Break up but still be friends? NO WAY!

[bridgetjones74]

I just got dumped 2 weeks ago by a man I've spent almost 2 years with...we had our share of problems towards the end (last 4 months) and it's understandable that maybe some time and space was needed but to throw everything away over something that could have been worked out..why? He has admitted that I love him more than anyone he's ever been with and that I am special and beautiful and worth so much yet he continues to do this. I have finally decided to do the no contact thing as my pathetic begging, crying and pleading wasn't working but I have to say the idea of remaining friends..his suggestion...was just too much to take and I'm ticked off about it at this point.

 

How can you possibly remain friends with someone who basically tells you you're not good enough to stay with. After sharing your body, heart and soul with someone and being told repeatedly that they can't imagine life without you how can you comprehend that suddenly you are not the person they love or want?

 

If someone can walk away from something/someone they once claimed to love so deeply because of something minor that is indeed fixable why in the world would you want to be friends with him/her? How can you trust someone who strung you along for such a long time and then threw you out when the going got tough?

 

I'm confused at this point and don't understand the logic behind all of this friendship stuff and having my heart ripped out by the man who claimed to be my best friend....friends don't screw each other over like that.

 

Any words of wisdom or advice? I sure could use it right now.

[Athena]

I'm with you Bridget - I don't get it either. I think it really comes down to trust. Isn't trust the foundation of friendship? I think it is, and if it is, how can you trust someone who tells you one thing and then does another?

 

I think alot of the "let's be friends" thing after a breakup has to do with the dumper seeking absolution from the dumpee. By being friends it means you forgive them for what they've done (hurt you).

 

I've recently been through the whole friend thing. After 6 months of it, I finally told him that there has been too much damage done. Rebuilding trust in someone is very difficult to do and it takes a concerted effort. I don't trust him enough for him to be my friend. I remain friendly but not friends (according to my definition of what a friend is).

 

You don't have to participate in what he is proposing. You can simply explain to him that the damage done is too extensive. I would encourage you to remain friendly (character), but you don't have to be friends. You've taken an emotional hit and are wounded. Continuing to be "friends" is like having the knife reinserted day after day after day - no healing can occur under those circumstances.

[sparkler624]

I'm sorry about your situation. What I would do would be the usual girl thing, eat chocolate and pig out, then make a list of all of the wonderful times you've had and of all the horrible times you've had with him. Make your pros and cons lists...then throw them out. Have a good cry. Then take up a new hobby and focus all of your time and attention on it. Spend some time with friends and family. Eventually you will pass this milestone. Two years was a long time, but I guarentee that you will meet someone even better who will not play with your emotions like a yo-yo. Basically, use this as a great excuse to pamper yourself. Good luck, I hope what I said makes sense and helps.

[sk8bmx]

Maybe the guy got scared of the commitment. Being with a girl for two years gets serious. So maybe he wanted to free himself from a commitment so he could have time to think about it. He asked for you two to stay friends so you dont lose touch with each other and he lose you forever.

[ilios69]

hey im sorry for your situation,but i must tell you as someone that went through the same thing.being friends with someone you still have feelings for is impossible.because as soon as you see or hear about there new significant other you just reopen the wounds.and i feel like i was getting strung along for the ride till she met someone new.and i had lost all trust in her.which like someone said when you dont have trust in this person how can you be friends.good luck to you

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I agree that it is nearly impossible to remain friends with someone you genuinely loved and they dumped you. I don't understand how people do that either, maybe their relationship wasn't really "love". But if they can, then more power to them. Don't feel awkward about his request, just take control of your own life and don't allow him to play with your emotions anymore. Maybe he just wants to keep you on the back burner, which is rude. My guess is that he feels really guilty for dumping you because he knows how much you love him, so he thinks he'll get a better response from you if he just says "But we can still be friends" because that's kind of an "out" for him.... he most likely KNOWS you'll say Hell no. This is his out. Whereas, if he just ignored you, you would call him repeatedly and ask why, and he'd have to deal with the guilt.. This is his way of taking the guilt off his shoulders, cause he can say to himself, "well, I told her we could be friends so I didn't shut her completely out of my life". That's his justification. I wouldn't allow this either and I think you are doing the right thing.... I wouldn't even call it "no contact" because that is a good way of getting someone back... I would call it "moving on". I am really sorry he has done this to you and I can imagine your pain. You are supported here, come anytime. Good luck girl.

[emptiness]

I'm right in the middle of this issue myself.

 

But I decided a while ago that it was no contact all the way, and certainly no being friends. In a way, if I could just "be friends" with him it would mean that I was over him and that I wasn't still in love with him.

 

But I am, and although our breaking up process has been long and drawn out, I know that what I felt was real and that he certainly could have been my "one".

 

I love him, and understand that he doesn't love me. But I dont want to settle for second best. If we try to be friends, how will I not feel sad every time I see him, the great guy I no longer have?

 

I've lost a love, the its not much to ask him to lose a friend.

 

Maybe, some way down the road, things will be different. But for now I'd prefer to not be constantly reminded of what I have lost. Trust me, this is going to be easier said than done - we share the same group of friends and have only a few other "outside" friends (who don't live near us). We naturally don't want to "split" our friends but we'll work it all out in time.

[Athena]

Empti,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You sound like you have a good head on those strong shoulders, and I;m thankful that you are willing to share so much, I found you post very helpful.

 

"I've lost a love, its not much to ask him to lose a friend"

 

I LOVE that! It says it all.

 

Thanks again.

 

-A

[qwark]

HI,

I loved this girl in Class and was her friend. Then I started getting close to her and she signalled that she only wanted me as a friends....just like her other 'friends'.

 

I had to make a choice. I decided to stop being friends with her....I wanted more than friendship with her. I already have a lot of 'friends'.

 

The decision was hard and she now hates me. Thats what I wanted.....but today after 2 years ....I sometimes feel I should have remained friends...

It hurts to see her hate me....

I feel being friends at least you can talk and be together......

take care

byeeee

[wandering]

Bridget,

 

I TOTALLY agree with you - thank you.

 

I have been kicking myself for not even attempting to remain friends with a guy I shared a part of every day with the past year and a half. I too shared my heart, body, and spirit with this person and was always there when he needed me - including 2 am in the morning most Friday and Saturday nights. We had so much in common and for the first time I felt like I was best friends with the guy I was in love with.

 

He dumped me for a girl 11 years younger than himself OVERNIGHT - literally. He stopped calling me because he thought I was mad so for two weeks I wondered what was going on. Finally, I broke down and called him and he told me that after trying for a year and a half he loved me but was not "in" love with me and that he and this girl really hit it off. The girl slept with him after knowing him for 24 hours and has spent just about every night with him since. I don't get it.

 

Anyway, I couldn't have ever been his friend after he did this to me anyway. I miss him, but he wasn't a good person or he would not have done this to me. What would we talk about? I slept with him on a Thursday night and by Sunday night he was sleeping with a girl he just met? He is a user and the person I thought I loved is as good as dead in my heart. It still hurts, almost on a daily basis. I have started running - I went from not exercising at all to running almost 50 miles a week. I just feel so sad most of the time and I constantly have to fight it. I try to distract myself so I don't do anything crazy like confront him or her - I want to keep the dignity I have left as hard as it is to keep my mouth shut about who he really is. I just hope what goes around comes around and that this guy is left with all that he deserves for using so many people.