Now what? I want him back

[girl0096]

wow....this will be a long story so i hope you hear me out. My guy and me broke up for the second time about 6 months ago. the b/u seem a bit hasty at the time (he b/u with me btw). we had been going out for about almost a year prior to all this. anyways, when we got back together the second time, he promised he would try to make things work and i said the same and i believed that i did. after three months of being back together, he suddenly decided to end things with me again, saying that he just doesn't feel the same anymore. then, We did the n/c thing ever since then and about one month ago, i just couldn't take it anymore so i IM him. conversation seem pretty normal but awkward at the same time given the fact we hadn't talked for 6 months....anyways, more recently my friend told me that he had brought a new girl to a mutual outing. my friend is not sure if they are official but why else would he bring her? Obviously i am upset with this news and having a hard time dealing with it all. The thought of him finding someone new is hard to take on so many levels, as i am sure you understand.

 

after speaking to friends, i realized that despite the fact we had gotten back together, we never did identify the problem we had. I realized that we were so busy trying to "make things work" that we didn't ID our problems correctly. We were essentially solving problems that weren't even the problems. and i am thinking that is why he left again...due to the lack of progress. knowing all this now is eating me up inside. I feel strongly that i should tell him all this, but i am scared of the consequences i may be faced with. especially now that he may already be seeing someone new. i feel like if i don't say anything, he will never know and perhaps make a difference and change things or maybe if he is able to confirm my theory that it will give me some sort of closure as to why things ended. The only other reason why i SHOULDN"T say anything is that i want to see if he would return to me on his own and to see if he had really already moved on.

 

but i am also keeping in mind of the "givens": he had already made a decision to leave once before and decided to try it again and he did and it failed and he decided to leave again. Needless to say, he is very reluctant to try this again. 2. he is seeing someone new. I guess i am wondering if there is still a chance for us because once again...i can see how this can work. Am i wasting my time or is this worth a chance. any thoughts on how to get him back?

[raider5]

that's what I'm saying!

[Athena]

Hi girl,

My opinion is that you should take all your wonderful, conscious, heartful abilities to work through relationship problems and find someone with whom you can effectively use them with.

 

I would not contact him anymore. I know it's hard to hear that first time that he's found someone else. I think you are reacting emotionally to that hurt. Maybe you could try directing your energy to pampering yourself rather instead. Try and let it lay for a few days.

 

I remember the first time I heard my ex was seeing someone else, it's very hurtful, but you need to stay strong and stand your emotionally safe ground. I often wonder what it's going to be like when I hear he's getting married - scary thought - hope I'm 100% before then!

 

-A

[ForAnother]

I wouldn't go back to the guy. Just think that when things don't work out the first time, then they won't work out the second time. It always seems to fail. Your not wasting your time, you have feelings for him... so you must learn to ignore them. I hate it when my friends tell me about my ex. I would rather not know anything about her, not see her, or not talk to her because then I get curious... and its stupid to be curious.

 

ForAnother

[girl0096]

thanks for all the advice.

 

I have been removing myself from contact so i won't be curious. One problem still remains is that he checks my webpage at least several times a day. I haven't done any update on my page for about alittle while now and am reluctant to post anything because of several reasons:

 

1) he doesn't deserve to know how i am doing, if that is the reason he checks

2) if i do update it, it will just show him that its ok for him to move on. kinda like giving permission...."look i am fine, go on, and don't feel guilty".

3) i want to remain mysterious so that he will see what he is missing out, show that i am independent, that i am worthy

4) if i continue posting, then eventually, he will be able to get over me with all the tools he needs. he just visits my page to continue to know how i am doing because that helps him get over me. he will do this until he no longer feels the need to do so.this way he is able to have me without working for it too. right now, on some levels he still wants me, thereforeeee he wants to know what is happening with me. and if i continue to feed this need, why would he come back

5) but if i don't post anything, eventually, he wouldn't check and wouldn't care since i am not feeding him no more. over time, he will just get use to the fact that i no longer exist.

 

It obvious that he still have feelings for me, but what is a girl to do when he is seeing someone else. as much as i would like to confront him with it, i can't.

 

i am not letting go as you can see. i want him to check and realize that it is me that he wants. i know what it sounds like. i am disappointed in myself too. sigh. but all i could think about is this.

 

so the question is to post or not??

and anyone shed any light on why he checks?

[kate111]

I think it might depends on the reasons that you think you broke up over. Some things can never be reconciled while others may be fixed.

 

Try to describe what they are and I will try to work out whether it would be worthwhile.

[girl0096]

 

 

does this help or would you like more information?? let me know on what i can provide. i appreciate your advice in advance. thanks.

[Jerseygirl]

i think that if u know he is reading ur posts, then ur set up into a perfect situation. You use it against him. Only post thing there to make him jealous, and still seem mysterious. Provide little info about other guys, and thats all. But you're right, he cannot know what you're up to, or else he won't miss you really. You have to be like a mysterious creature, while adding a touch of jealousy.

[girl0096]

so are you saying stop posting all together ?

 

or post but just make him a little jealous?

if i make him jealous, doesn't that just drive him more to the girl that he is seeing? (or am i thinking too much)

 

any suggestion on what i can say to be "mysterious" and lightly make him jealous??

[Jerseygirl]

well either u stop posting all together, or u only post things that will make him jealous and nothing more. (the only risky thing is that if he knows you know he reads it, it may be obvious). I'm not sure waht these posts are..is it like an online journal? B/c you could be like talking about some awesome guy u met last night at a party, u exchanged numbers..etc.. stuff like that..

I'm in the same situation u are...my ex is seeing another girl. I was told though to make him jealous, ignore him, and act like i dont care. Making him jealous will make him want you more, not pull him closer to her. Guys like what they can't have, they need challenges. I understand that u may be worried like 'ok if i talk about other guys, he'll realize im not interested and just be all into the new girl' but it doesnt work like that, im telling you. Once he sees you also moved on, it'll affect him. That's what im hoping to do as well. It's all about their ego. Right now he prob thinks he has u and that other girl crushing on him, but u have to make it clear that u dont care.

Be mysterious in that , u dont call, talk to him, i even block my ex so he doesnt see my sn online (but i have another sn to see his name)... disappear..and now im thinking it would maybe be smarter to stop posting..make him REALLY wonder. In my situation, i sometimes put away messages like "at larry's house" when really im at his house but for a huge bbq with tons of other ppl... but my ex doesnt jknow that...and then sometimes i just block my ex so he doesnt see any awya message at all. its the same story with u and ur posts. play it like that..mysteriously..

[girl0096]

does it work? has it been proven....

 

I don't want to mess this up because i really have had no contact either way for a while now, so my next move is important so to speak.

 

is this considered as playing games??

 

(btw, i have removed IM. i can't see if he is on and surprisingly its keeping me saner.)

 

and are you sure that making him jealous won't draw him closer to her?

am i fighting a losing battle?? so many questions and doubts and so little time.

[girl0096]

so what do you think?? post or not post?

time is ticking and i could really use some good advice. thx

[girl0096]

I just can't let go....does that make me weak?

am I in denial?

[BrotherD]

girl

 

Take it from me, the best thing you can do right now is NO CONTACT. It will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But you must DO IT. Why? Because you have "played ball" with him and he knows your weak. Any sign that your willing to put up with this game translates into he "has you"

And when they know they have you, you radiate a certain kind of stink that says, PLEASE MESS WITH MY LIFE, HEALTH, AND WELL BEING! The only way to cure this is to dissappear! Make him miss you...Will he come back because of NC? PROBABLY NOT! But that's not the point. Put an end to this right now! In my ridiculous situation, the more I hung in there

the nastier and weirder it got. It was like I was in the middle of a hurricane...I know now that NC would have spared me months of incredible pain. Do NC now and make him crawl on his knees to find you.

If not, MOVE ON....Sorry to be so harsh...Good luck

[girl0096]

I don't think you are being harsh at all. I heard it all before and i understand. thanks for the advice.

 

I am doing the NC now (and now wished that i had all along) But the questions remains do i post on my page(its been about two weeks now), knowing that he checks every single day?? Is it considered NC if i post on my page?

 

I guess i am trying to do the disappearing act to see if it result to anything. will it work or should i use my page to give him something to continue thinking of me with?

[Athena]

I think you should resume your normal activities. If posting to your web site is something you've done and enjoy doing, do it.

I would not use it as a tool to try and hurt or manipulate the feelings of someone else. I'm assuming your postings are about you and are a creative outlet. Anything that you put on there that is contrived will be obvious. Don't disrespect yourself.

 

 

-A

[fantasia2004]

I agree with Brother D