Made the hardest decision of my life

[ElChup]

It's now three months since my breakup. Up until now I have maintained contact with the ex. I never bore her ill will, our break up was civil and we maintained very good relations. Our engagement of 3 years just wasn't meant to be. No matter how hard we tried to make it work, we just couldn't quite get there.

 

She made the decision to end. I didn't like it, but I understood and accepted it.

 

Everyone here talks about no contact. Well, for me, leading up to Xmas, no contact was not possible. I was a wreck immediately after the break up. I was missing her so much that I needed to wean myself off of her. We met up about ten times over all and had even had breakup sex from time to time. Both of us knew we could not move on before then. But, I knew at the same time she had joined eHarmony and was looking to date again. She readily admits that she hasn't even begun to get over me and cries everyday about the fact that I am not there. But, at 37 she has convinced herself that her time is running out to get her family and children and so she sees herself as not having much choice. I know that this year she will start dating and that is not something I wish to know about. I therefore met today and told her that I would, from today, be going no contact. I have dreaded this day, but I knew that this had to be done before she started dating other people. She wanted to be friends, but in her heart she knew this will not be possible until such time as we have both fully moved on with our lives. There were a great deal of tears on both sides and it was difficult to walk out. But I had to be strong.

 

I have no anger or ill-will towards my dear girl. I hope she finds what she is looking for.

 

I am posting this thread because I have long since challenged the NC rule. I'm here to say that it has been a lot easier for me to move on gradually in stages that taking rash steps such as destroying photos and going cold turkey. NC was a decision for me to make when I was right, and I think people she not be forced into believing that it has to be done from the word go. If your ex is a decent person then I would encourage people to do what seems right in their gut.

 

I'll probably need a bit of support on here once NC really sinks in. But do you know what, as I walked away from our old home together this afternoon I saw a couple in love and holding hands, and for the first time I didn't look at such a couple and feeling annoyed and ill. I looked and them and smiled a smile of genuine warmth.

 

I am moving on.

[HouseKitten]

Good for you. It's a difficult decision to make, but if you feel this is the appropriate time then I hope it works out for you.

 

I have also had no NC with my ex. But we have gradually seen less and less of each other. That worked for me - there was no way I could have gone NC with him, we had mutual friends and hell, I was still in love with him for some time. But we now see each other less than once a month.

 

NC works for some people, in some situations. Like everything in life, it can't be applied to everyone, and even when it can it doesn't have to be straight away. I'm glad you've reached a point where you can make this sort of decision and be happy with it

[I_Speak_Jive]

This is a wonderful post.

 

It's been such a short time if you think about it (in the Grand Scheme of Break-Ups, 3 months is not long) and yet you have come so far already. Being able to look at the situation with this level of warmth, maturity and understanding says a lot about you, and you're going to be ok.

 

As for NC, well... Look, in the nearly two years since my big bad break-up we both tried all sorts of things. There were long periods of silence, there were times when we were short with each other to the point of sounding rude and uncaring, there were very intense and lovingful conversations... Disentangling yourself from someone you love so deeply is a messy, dirty, non-linear process, and you do what you have to do and what makes sense at the time.

 

I do know that staying in some sort of touch, erratic as it was, with my ex helped a lot in getting rid of a lot of demons in my head. Otherwise in my mind I would have probably turned him into this giant scary blob of rejection and inhuman unattainability. Now, after all this time, he's just a dude. One that I care for immensely and a great one at that, but... a human.

 

And now we are both very happy and moved on and it's great.

 

You'll get there, probably sooner than I did.

[ElChup]

 

I do know that staying in some sort of touch, erratic as it was, with my ex helped a lot in getting rid of a lot of demons in my head. Otherwise in my mind I would have probably turned him into this giant scary blob of rejection and inhuman unattainability. Now, after all this time, he's just a dude. One that I care for immensely and a great one at that, but... a human.

 

 

This is why I hope that once we have moved on we might then be able to rekindle a friendship.

[JonasWaingaro]

I do know that staying in some sort of touch, erratic as it was, with my ex helped a lot in getting rid of a lot of demons in my head. Otherwise in my mind I would have probably turned him into this giant scary blob of rejection and inhuman unattainability. Now, after all this time, he's just a dude. One that I care for immensely and a great one at that, but... a human.

 

.

 

lol Very well put! Lots of us are struggling with that scary blob.

 

ElChup, a really good post. This is how it should go down. In a mature thoughtful way. Two human beings caring enough for each other to make sure each is okay after the break-up. I envy you. You will do well, both of you. Always here to help in the new NC journey.

[ElChup]

Course, my post of triumph didn't stop me collapsing into a sobbing mess at the thought of not seeing her again once I got home.

 

But then, I guess I always had that coming.

[quirky]

aaah...Elchup. It will be hard, I know. I have actually found mutual breakups very difficult because you can't really hate them for much. Sometimes the anger helps. Accept that it will hurt for a while.

[Kaytie]

Course, my post of triumph didn't stop me collapsing into a sobbing mess at the thought of not seeing her again once I got home.

 

But then, I guess I always had that coming.

 

Awwwww....I'm so sorry

[ElChup]

aaah...Elchup. It will be hard, I know. I have actually found mutual breakups very difficult because you can't really hate them for much. Sometimes the anger helps. Accept that it will hurt for a while.

 

I wouldn't exactly call it mutual. We've just been mature about it is all.

 

To be honest, it shocks me sometimes to read threads in here where one or both of the parties in a break up acts like a real child, yet is in their thirties or older. It's such a shame.

[ElChup]

NC Day 2

 

Well, the pain is coming in waves now, but curiously I feel a sense of release now. I think the NC helped me to regain some power and bring a finality to all this that properly allows my mind to focus on other things.

 

It's strange to miss her, but be free from the constant futility of hoping for reconciliation.

[ElChup]

Oh. Not so good now. Please take way the pain.....

[HouseKitten]

You can do this.

 

If nothing else, there are hundreds of posts here from people who were once in exactly the same place as you are, who have now put it all completely behind them and moved on with their lives.

 

I hate to be a cliche but you just have to give it time. But it will get better!

[ElChup]

I know. It's just knwing that I, myself, have now rejected her. It's tough to reconcile.

[HouseKitten]

Think of it not so much as a rejection as something you felt you had to do. It's what's best for yourself, and right now that's the most important thing.

[ElChup]

Perhaps it is. But it's the most curious feeling I have ever had. Getting rid of that which is most dear to my on the premise of it being self benefitting.

 

I'm going mad.

[quirky]

I completely understand how you feel. It was like I was almost going against my intuition, like I was emptying inside. And just relying on faith, that it's for the better, absolutely no evidence. Give it a bit of time, you will both gain different perspective.

[BlueRizla]

I wouldn't exactly call it mutual. We've just been mature about it is all.

 

To be honest, it shocks me sometimes to read threads in here where one or both of the parties in a break up acts like a real child, yet is in their thirties or older. It's such a shame.

 

 

I'm going mad.

 

Now you're maybe seeing why sometimes those in their 30 and 40's have to let that inner child out. That inner child is going mad. It will pass.

[ElChup]

Now you're maybe seeing why sometimes those in their 30 and 40's have to let that inner child out. That inner child is going mad. It will pass.

 

The inner child may be going mad, but I would not let it affect my relations with others.

 

Anyhow. Today is NC day 3. It's funny, as much as I am upset, I am also feeling somewhat more confident than I have in ages. It truly feels like I have stepped away from things holding me back. It's like an acceptance that even though I am upset, the road is clear for me to seek new horizons.

 

The most curious thing is that she has suddenly started playing much less of a role in my dreams. It was almost as if the hope of reconciliation was causing her to pop up in mhy subconscious all the time.

[minou]

I have a feeling she will approach you. Even though it's been 3 months and she ended it, she still cries about missing you every day? How will you react if she does? Good luck.

[icarus27]

ElChup,

 

I remember your post on a previous thread of mine. If it was the same situation in that thread as here, then there was a bi-cultural issue?

 

Wishing you the best. NC is for you, your health. It will feel worse before it feels better.

 

Icarus

[ElChup]

ElChup,

 

I remember your post on a previous thread of mine. If it was the same situation in that thread as here, then there was a bi-cultural issue?

 

Wishing you the best. NC is for you, your health. It will feel worse before it feels better.

 

Icarus

 

Well, if there was a bi-cultural issue it was down to perhaps a different interpretation of values. But ultimately I don't think that was what caused our personality clash. I think the clash simply came from the fact that when all else was brushed aside we were, at our core, almost the same person in both the good and the bad elements. The bad side of me basically found itself difficult to live with and I think it was the same for her. For instance, we are both very stubborn and very dominant. Therefore both of us would clash before compromise was reached. It was these sorts of things that lead her to feel that whatever else happened in our lives these sorts of clashes would still be there and therefore it just wasn't "meant to be".

[ElChup]

I have a feeling she will approach you. Even though it's been 3 months and she ended it, she still cries about missing you every day? How will you react if she does? Good luck.

 

I don't think she will approach me. I know how her mind works and once she has convinced herself that it won't work, and that she is running out of time to find a husband, she'll push on as much as possible, even if her heart says otherwise. She will be the first of the two of us though to break NC, as she had wanted to stay friends, but that won't amount to anything more than a "how are you?".

 

The only scenario I could see is that if she goes out with other men and realises that really aren't up to scratch compared to me, then perhaps she might ask to give it another go. But for that to happen she'd have to swallow a whole load of pride, which for her would be difficult. She's always been a fan of putting on a tough face and letting her emotions go behind closed doors.

 

If she did, well I don't know. Up until NC I would have gotten back together and told her as much. But there comes a point where I will not sacrifice my dignity and that is why from Thursday onwards I am going forward on the basis that she is a part of my life that was great, but is now behind me. Plus, I'd have to get past the fact that she would have dated other men by then, as part of her "biological clock" plan. Not sure if I could as it'd feel as if I was being settled for as nothing better had come along.

[Lugh]

Elchup we too had a mature breakup, she wanted out .i didnt and did everything to try and change her mind, i was very emotional about it and when i eventually came on here i railed against NC, thought it was stupid.

 

like you i sat down and told that for my own sake i had to go NC and i did for over 3mths, i thought i was ready to rekindle a friendship but while she said she wanted to be friends ,her actions said otherwise.

 

I think youre wise to go NC now, you dont want to know or see your ex with someone else .my ex -a month after telling me she wouldnt be coming back to me brought her new lover to my workplace to "drop off " some stuff. boy did that hurt.

 

you will have the bad days , but the NC will speed up the process, it will give you time to sort yourself out and thats important. you need to focus on you now, its ok to let it all out and become a blubbering mess now and again, just get up and get out as well. be good to yourself , treat yourself ,do new things.

 

youve taken a big step, trust me that its the right one. stay strong.

[ElChup]

Thanks Lugh. Appreciate it.

 

Again, I'll say that immediate NC wasn't the way to go for me. I needed the climb down and closure. I needed a few extra happy memories and to leave with great fondness and appreciation for her. But, at the same time, there must be a cut off point. However, fact is that I had to move on from the relationship enough to put myself in the position where I was emotionally ready for NC.

[quirky]

Well, if there was a bi-cultural issue it was down to perhaps a different interpretation of values. But ultimately I don't think that was what caused our personality clash. I think the clash simply came from the fact that when all else was brushed aside we were, at our core, almost the same person in both the good and the bad elements. The bad side of me basically found itself difficult to live with and I think it was the same for her..

 

This sounds exactly like the situation with my ex..Which is also what creates that really deep bond.