feel like an odd man out

[LAYAAN]

I don't drink alcohol and don't eat meat. I never did. I'm also quite shy and reserved/anti-social types. It doesn't bother me much when it comes to my personal life, but when it comes to my professional life I wonder what's gonna happen to me when I get a job.

 

1) Drinking and meat-eating habits - I am interning at 2 different pharmacies where the culture is very diverse. I get along fine. I mind my own business. People organize parties often, dance at parties, consume alcohol, eat meat. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt my chances of not being considered as a part of group/likeable/fitting in/considered "old"/not considered for a future position, promotion, etc. What should I do? I am hurting my chances of advancing in career, getting noticed etc. by not attending these parties. I really dont want to drink/eat meat. I don't feel comfortable. I am also very quiet about my habits/choices. I don't say anything to anyone, I just politely decline if they offer me anything that I don't consume. I want to attend and mix with the crowd and show that I'm a part of that crowd, but lately I've been making excuses not to attend because I make sure that I've to eat at my place and then go because there isn't much there that I can eat (unless they have salads)

 

2) Personal life discussion - I am very quiet about my personal life or lack of it. Honestly, I'm not proud of myself that I don't have a bf or that I'm not married. I feel sad about it inside. But even if I had anything going in that area, I still dont' want to discuss anything related to it at a workplace. That includes my school and these 2 pharmacies. People at these pharmacies discuss their dating life, breakups, cheating, etc. very openly. Again, I don't participate or pass remarks when they do this. I just listen if I'm sitting there because physically going away would look rude. I overheard some technicians discussing about me "she probably hasn't even had her cherry popped yet" and they laughed. They probably thought that I didn't hear it or even didn't understand what they meant. I felt very hurt. I felt like confronting them. Why is my lack of sexual life a topic of their interest? Just because they are in a live-in relationship? What should I do? The other day a technician and a pharmacist asked me "Why can't we know about your personal life?" I smiled and said "There is nothing spicy to share and its called personal for a reason." But this bothers me. How should I handle it? I don't want to talk about my personal life. I dont like it. I think, it gives power to others to pass comments on you and gossip about you unnecessarily and things just get messy. I confide in my friends with my personal life, but not at workplace. I am friendly at workplace but I don't make friends there.

 

Thanks.

[ButterflyWrists]

You can go out and not drink alcohol, also you don't have to change your food habits, if people will judge you on your norms and values then they aren't worth knowing/working for, also it would be classed as discrimination. Be yourself, you can join in and have fun without having to conform to their norms and values.

[HouseKitten]

Can you be a little more open about certain things?

 

Not that you should start discussing things that make you uncomfortable. But there's no reason you can't go out to a party and when someone offers you a drink, tell them you don't drink. It doesn't need to be awkward - if you're proud of your decisions then smile and be pleasant about explaining it.

 

About your workmates, people do tend to gossip. And the problem with being extremely private, while you're completely within your rights to be so, is that if people know nothing about you, they're going to speculate.

 

It's tricky. If you want to be friends with these people, part of friendship that they will expect is to discuss your lives outside work. I understand that you have your reasons not to, but i think if you absolutely can't open up more then you might have to be resigned to not being close with any of them.

 

I suppose from their point of view, what else are you supposed to make conversation about? There's only so much you can say about your work before it gets boring. Maybe you could try bringing up neutral topics like films you've seen or places you've traveled to?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I understand what you are saying. I get it. I guess, I just need to identify topics that I'm comfortable sharing/talking and neutral topics like you mentioned. Food, travel, films, music, etc. and steer clear of other topics.

 

The reason why I'm so careful now is because when I first came to this country, few years ago, I was battling with many issues of my own, didn't have friends, was much more anti-social than I'm now, so I ended up sharing too much information with my boss and every word that I said has been used against me so far. I don't gossip about people but surprisingly my boss told me that 2 other people have confided in him that I'm a gossiper. My boss talks about other people with me (he doesn't consider that gossiping, ya right! when he shared that some professor here decided that she wasn't going to remain virgin before she got married, no no, thats still not considered gossiping according to my professor). Previously I had terrible emotional ups and downs. I felt the need to talk to someone. Ever since I've been put on Lexapro, I'm doing much better now and don't feel the need to talk as much. Also, before I didn't know about ENA. Now I can come here and seek advice from people. I've joined meetup groups to do various activities and that makes me feel much better. But I still can't retrieve the information that I've shared before with my boss and I don't want to go down that road again ever. I don't talk to him now much. I am just afraid of sharing anything.

[ElChup]

I think when people are our age and are educated they aren't going to give a crap if you don't drink or eat meat. My ex was Iranian and as such western drinking culture was not something she warmed to, Whilst she drank it was just one or two here and there, whereas I would drink, from time to time, more than her, especially if we were with my friends. But nobody ever held it against her. She was fun enough or interesting enough to be around that she was included in everything.

 

Plus, I am a lawyer, and I can tell you that cliques form jn professional environments, irrespective of if you are in the party scene or not. Each environment is different from the next and in one you may feel really part of it and included and in the next you might think that you are some kind of freak because nobody seems to want to get on with you. It's just the way it goes.

Screw anyone who makes comments about your personal life. It is really none of their business. In western culture it is common for people to talk about their business, but I am from that culture and I feel very guarded about my personal life. I do not see it as anybody's business but my own. Hell, when my ex and I got engaged my friends didn't even know about it for months. I'm just not the kind of person who feel comfortable revealing my personal business to others for them to then conduct an autopsy over.

 

 

Bottom line it, there's nothing wrong with you, accept maybe that you are letting these anxieties run down your confidence a bit.

[ElChup]

 

About your workmates, people do tend to gossip. And the problem with being extremely private, while you're completely within your rights to be so, is that if people know nothing about you, they're going to speculate.

Then let them speculate. It's better than them passing judgment on real info.

 

It's tricky. If you want to be friends with these people, part of friendship that they will expect is to discuss your lives outside work. I understand that you have your reasons not to, but i think if you absolutely can't open up more then you might have to be resigned to not being close with any of them.

I don't believe she said she wants to be friends with them. She already said she confides in existing friends about her personal life. She seems to just want to be able to get on with people on the workplace.

I suppose from their point of view, what else are you supposed to make conversation about? There's only so much you can say about your work before it gets boring. Maybe you could try bringing up neutral topics like films you've seen or places you've traveled to?

Christ, there are so many things one can talk about. You're elevating the important of personal life discussion to a level that it doesn't deserve.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you ElChup. Your reply was helpful and encouraging.

[HouseKitten]

Then let them speculate. It's better than them passing judgment on real info.

 

I never said it wasn't.

 

Christ, there are so many things one can talk about. You're elevating the important of personal life discussion to a level that it doesn't deserve.

 

It obviously has some importance or this wouldn't be an issue for the OP at all. And sure, there are other topics of discussion, which is where she should focus her energy if she wants to get more involved with her colleagues and feel like less of an outsider, but if people in her workplace tend to focus heavily on discussing their private lives then in this situation it is certainly important. They are judging on her on the fact that she doesn't 'share' and while I don't think she should make herself uncomfortable for their sake, she obviously isn't happy with how things stand right now.

 

You're right, it shouldn't be so important. But to her workmates it is, so why pretend otherwise? Just saying 'well it shouldn't be like that' does change the fact that it is.

[ElChup]

I never said it wasn't.

 

 

 

It obviously has some importance or this wouldn't be an issue for the OP at all. And sure, there are other topics of discussion, which is where she should focus her energy if she wants to get more involved with her colleagues and feel like less of an outsider, but if people in her workplace tend to focus heavily on discussing their private lives then in this situation it is certainly important. They are judging on her on the fact that she doesn't 'share' and while I don't think she should make herself uncomfortable for their sake, she obviously isn't happy with how things stand right now.

 

You're right, it shouldn't be so important. But to her workmates it is, so why pretend otherwise? Just saying 'well it shouldn't be like that' does change the fact that it is.

 

Dear god, you act like you know these people. How do you know it is important to them? That it is a deal breaker?

 

I don't discuss my personal life with colleagues, haven't for years. But I get on well with them perfectly fine. There are other ways of building relationships in the workplace than "towing the line" on one subject.

 

I'm concerned that your advice to the OP is that we must all be sheep following one another if we are going to make ourselves popular, that we must bin our own individual values to conform to what is "normal". I don't accept that for a second.

[HouseKitten]

My advice to the OP was not 'toe the line', it was to find alternative things to talk about if she wants to get on better with her colleagues. I've said several times she shouldn't start sharing her personal beliefs if she doesn't want to, but being more talkative might help her fit in if that's what she wants.

 

I'm sorry you're finding my opinion offensive. I'm only offering my point of view the same as yourself - the OP is more than capable of deciding who she agrees with.

[penelope13]

It's really not necessary to be drinking or eating meat, to be socially acceptable. I hardly ever drink (maybe every 10th event). Nobody looks at me twice because of that. If you are really concerned about being judged for it (I guess a professional event is slightly different than partying with your friends) you could always accept a glass and never actually drink from it, just pretend to sip. As long as you have a glass in your hand that is not empty nobody will bug you if you want something to drink.

 

The important thing is not to make a big deal about it and not to make others feel that you are judging them for their habits (even unintentionally).

 

I love hosting events not just for my friends, but also for my colleagues. Although I like to cook and provide most of the food, the format that is working well is that everybody is also bringing something. It's a great way to learn something about each other and the different backgrounds that we all have and in this way i know there is at least something that everyone likes. As the host I prefer that people tell me about their preferences beforehand (being vegetarian, having a food allergy, not wanting the kids to drink juice etc) so that I can plan accordingly.

 

Talking about yourself at parties/ at work: you do not have to talk about your dating life at those occasions either. True you need to talk about something other than work, if you want to be a sociable, but your relationships don't have to be that one and only subject. It makes you seem more approachable as a person, not just a hard worker. I never talked about my dating life either, and nobody considers me boring because of it. However I talk about some of my activities and my little niece. At the same time I take an interest in the life of my colleagues and try to remember what is going on with them. - As I said, there is nothing wrong with not following the crowd, if you don't give the crowd the feeling that you judge them.

[Batya33]

I agree with Penelope -find topics that are not work related but are also not too personal - movies, music, books, young nieces/nephews/cousins - I used to talk to the secretaries I walked by every morning (who were not my secretaries, but I did want to appear friendly) about things like that - an anecdote about one of the children I worked with in my volunteer work, a funny story about someone I saw during my commute - something short and sweet. I also made sure to remember what they shared with me - that her mother was ill, that her inlaws were visiting, etc and to ask about it not in a nosy way but in an acknowledging way.

 

If it was something "bad" I would ask "how are you doing?" in a way to show that it wasn't just the throw away "how are you" -- why ask about something negative and trigger bad feelings. This post is long because I want to show you that it took work and effort to establish rapport with coworkers in a positive, productive way -- that also didn't compromise my privacy.

 

At least, you have to try - if it turns out that the only topics these people will talk about are gossipy personal stuff, then you will have to keep your distance - but you'll be surprised at how you're probably not the only one who would secretly welcome conversations about other sorts of topics.

 

And big deal you don't drink/don't eat meat - fill a cup with seltzer and a splash of cranberry juice so it looks like a drink, and nibble on whatever it is you can eat - people are far more caught up in their own drama than checking out what you do or don't eat (as Shes2smart would say!!). And I would say, short and sweet, "thanks, I don't drink". If the person presses as to why, ask nicely with no tone "why do you want to know?" If the person continues to press change the topic to the weather (or perhaps change the topic right away). You will have to be a little more flexible than you are about your close-mouthed style.