I don't know what to do anymore...

[Cece1011]

Ok I will start from the beginning...

 

My boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother since April 2009. Been completely together since May 2009. Well we found out in August that we are expecting a baby in April 2010. I already have a 20 month old little boy whos father isn't in the picture. My boyfriend is quite a bit older (11 yrs) and has a 10 yr old little boy from a previous relationship that he can't have contact with on account of his son's mother and her husband. And has a 4 yr old little girl with his ex-wife, who doesn't allow him to see her either. This is where the problem lies.

 

His "ex-wife" isn't quite an ex yet. They are still technically married. Even though they have been separated for the past 3 yrs, its still on my concience that I am having a child with someone that is still married. And on top of it all, she is being the biggest pain in the world. We want to get married as soon as possible, and is now telling my boyfriend that if he wants her to sign any divorce papers at all he has to sign over his rights to his daughter, which is unfair and is weighing in on his concience. I have had my words with her also, because about 3 months ago I found out that my boyfriend was looking at a cell phone carrier site on the internet that he had the log in information to her account and was looking at the pictures she took of their daughter, and also of her NAKED PICTURES!!! I hit the roof when that happened, but he keeps assuring me that she repulses him, and wants nothing to do with her. But also had sex with her in December 2008, he says just because he could. He says its revenge sex, I guess. But I have no idea how to feel about all this.

 

I already have 1 little boy that I love more than anything in the world that already doesn't have a father in his life, besides my boyfriend. I don't want the same with this baby. But if I have to leave, I will. I have already told him if his divorce isn't done by the time our baby is born, that I will take the kids and leave until he gets enough motivation to get his divorce done.

 

Am I doing the right thing??? I hope all this makes sense, because its driving me insane having to put up with everything, especially being pregnant!!!

 

HELP PLEASE!!???

[thebluest]

Firstly, I want to point out that you started a relationship with this man knowing that he had not separated from his wife with any finality. Now that you're pregnant, and I presume it was unplanned, you feel it weighing on your conscience. Now, even if you leave him and have this child on your own, it is still the child you made with a man who was still married. If you stay or if you leave, there's really nothing that helps clear your conscience here if your conscience feels weighed down in the first place.

 

I'm saying that without any criticism or judgment at all, just linking up the facts and seeing how your decision to stay or go will affect your current predicament. It certainly sounds like you're having a horrible time, and my heart really goes out to you.

 

Because you mentioned the problems with your boyfriend and him accessing his wife's account, I get the sense that you're unsure of his commitment to you alongside his wife's refusal to sign the divorce papers. Even if he gets the divorce from his wife, do you feel as though he will be committed to you and your family together?

[Cece1011]

Yes, I completely went into this fully aware of him being separated from his wife for 3+yrs & knowing that he was on the track to becoming a divorced man. Still on that track, just has taken a few detours along with it, obviously. lol I take no offense to that because, you are right thebluest. If I still have a concience about it I always will. I do know that he is committed to me and will be to our family, because he already is. He has taken my son in that has had no father figure, besides his grandfather. I don't have to work right now because he is bringing in the income for all of us, besides the child support I get from my son's absent father. But you are right, I am unsure somewhat of his commitment to me in general. The fact that he is STILL married, and continues to talk to her and obviously from looking at her pictures I get insecure in a sense. Like I have said, I have been left to raise a little boy alone, and don't want the same, but if it gives him any type of motivation to finish it then it gives me hope. It also makes me a little uneasy when he isn't so worried about it or puts it in his category of "out of sight, out of mind" type of thing. It really does hurt, and makes me feel as if our family isn't enough for him to move on with something so much better than what he has had. I'm here and the kids are here. Its all right in front of his face for the taking. I'm just waiting to see if he does what is right...