effect of no Contact on dumper?

[terry210]

Just wondered what stages the dumper goes through when no Contact is applied.

ie: Shock, Confusion? intrigue? relief? etc.

[Belle]

well, I don't know if it applies to me since I broke up, went back, then asked him to break up so I wouldn't have to. I went through shock, anger, total confusion, despair, missing him, thinking I made a huge mistake, thinking I made the right choice, almost hating him, almost loving him, and again more anger. I ended up calling him again to see if he would want to get back together once I had 3 weeks to go through all of those feelings. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened so I guess the emotions now are more anger and sadness and about ready to move on. I'm at the point where I realize that he doesn't know what he wants and I can't really sustain feelings for him when I need someone who knows they want me.

 

But to answer the question I think you were asking subconsciously, do they regret it even if they don't try to get back with you? Most may wonder if they have made a big mistake. I've broken up with every guy I've ever dated seriously and I can say that I have wondered each and every time, even if I never gave them another chance. After a few months I realized that it was for the best though. I think that's where the window is. 2-3 months. If you don't hear from them by then chances are they believe they made the right choice.

 

Belle

[disEnchantid]

really? I have had guys contact me after six months or sometimes over a year! I don't think you can ever guage a person's feelings by a span of time that has passed, sometimes it takes a person a long time to sort out their emotions. This is not to say that everyone will call at some point....I broke up with someone and when we finally stopped talking it was a relief to me because it was getting harder and harder to hide the fact that I was seeing someone else from him. I was trying to protect him from getting hurt worse, and it was making me crazy. I haven't spoken to him since thanksgiving, although I received a letter and birthday card from him. I do think about calling him, or writing him, but I am not emotionally ready to handle the guilt that I know will come with any contact I have with him. It was very hard on me when we broke up and I think that had a lot to do with why I rushed into a relationship with someone else. So to answer the original question, yea, I think there is a lot of relief that comes when the person you have broken up with stops contacting you. If you are a caring person, it is very hard to deal with knowing you are hurting someone you care about and hearing the pain in their voice and knowing the only way to fix it is to sacrifice your own needs and wants.

[Belle]

disenchanted,

 

Perhaps I spoke too soon. Yes, I've had exes come back even years later trying to figure out if I was open to getting back together. But they were generally the same guys who tried within a few months. After about 3 months I've made up my mind as the dumper. Since I haven't really been dumped in a serious relationship, I don't know if the dumper comes back 6 months to a year later. They've got to know that the dumpee isn't going to want to go through it a second time around though. I wouldn't be stupid enough to call any of them back. I think for women that once you let a guy go (with the exception of my current situation) it's really hard to go back. you have made up your mind that the guy is no good for you unless he was willing to make an overture to change and without that, he's kind of lost any value. Guys on the other hand, ALWAYS seem to come back for more. Even if it's just for sex. I think this is why I disrespect the guys that come back. They should have figured it out the first time that whatever they did or didn't do wouldn't work and no second chances. I'm in a distinctly different situation at this point however, because my guy didn't do anything that bad and I blew itout of proportion. But the rest of the time it's been over things I knew I didn't want to live with.

 

Belle

[The Morrigan]

An answer you won't like - it depends on way too many variables.

 

How certain the ex was when ending the relationship, if the feelings had really died or if there were just issues that made things seem impossible despite the feelings, if they get into a rebound relationship, it all comes into play.

 

For example, I've known several dumpers who got involved in rebound relationships that seemed terrific at the time - but when they failed for various reasons, the first reaction was to contact the ex. To feel things out? First person thought of for support when the new relationship was gone? Any or many reasons possible there.

 

When the dumper really is certain - it's a relief at first, and even then there's a bit of nostalgia, from experience. For me, at least in part, the issues directly FOLLOWING the breakup solidified my feelings even more than the issues during the relationship - the relentless pursuing and pressuring for months put the nails in the coffin so to speak. Now, I can't say for certain there WOULD have been a chance without that, but I know it really affected my attitude and outlook.

 

I can say in most cases, at the LEAST, breathing room is necessary, because without it it's a constant battle feeling a need to justify your decision and a horrible awkwardness and pain having to reject someone repeatedly when you're already hurting from initiating a breakup - it's generally not that easy for most, though some may find it so. You feel guilty for saying no, the dumpee feels like crap from hearing no - both parties walk away from contact like that feeling horrible, which does nothing to make the dumper WANT more contact.

 

I've been the dumper once in certainty, and once was more a technicality - in the first case, there wasn't "no contact" til recently, and I can say it's made recent contact much easier revolving around the kids - not so much easier to move on as no longer actively trying to escape.

 

In the case where it was issues and I still deeply loved my bf - I'd have had him back in a minute if he would have had me, even knowing his faults and how he had neglected me and many many months later - and that would've been twice, I went through grief, anger, sadness, wondering if I'd done the right thing, if we could possibly have worked on things, etc. As it happened I had moved back in with my parents at the time, and they decided not to tell me when he called, and he'd moved and I didn't have his number.

[Finch]

Like someone else has said, it really depends on the relationship.

 

I can vary a lot for everybody's. It just depends on why you broke up, how long you two were together, how much in love you were, etc.

 

When I broke up with my girlfriend about 2 months ago it was a long, turbulent, and sometimes stressful relationship. Don't get me wrong, there were some pretty great parts too.

 

After breaking up I felt relieved. I felt so much happier that it was over, but just because I was relieved didn't mean that I didn't care for that person anymore. I still cared/care for her very much, it's just it was a relief to not have to go through all that BS anymore, or so I thought. Even after the breakup we still fought and acted like we were going out, but finally that ended just recently.

 

Now I miss her a little bit more, and become jealous when she goes out with other guys, but overall I believe it's just a good thing that we broke up.