Midlife Crisis?

[asheamed]

I know by posting my situation I run the risk of sounding very naive and ignorant, but I'm going to anyway.

 

Just some background......

I've been seeing him for around 3 years now...Of course it was UNBELIEVABLE "in the beginning" and of course it is NOT now.. There is 14 years between us...I just turned 25. The age thing is not an issue with me AT ALL, but I don't know if it may play a roll in our current situation.

He has three sons by a previous marriage who are all Excellent kids! I love them all so very much...

 

During the course of our relationship we have hit "snags" along the way as many do.. He has cheated on me a couple of times, actually moved a 19 year old into his house for about 3 weeks until I found out about it..(I know stupid huh?..He lived an hour away at the time) I had been living w/him for a few months and all of a sudden his middle son wanted to come spend a couple of weeks with him so I moved back home so that it wouldn't be weird him having someone live with him not less than a year since the divorce...(It was a respect thing on my part) Soon after that was when she moved in...Anyway to make a long story short...I found out, went to the house really late that night and found that she was in "my bed" and he and all 3 boys were in the living room.. Went back the next day and packed the rest of my stuff and left. I didn't call him and he didn't call me for about 3 weeks.

 

i found some pictures in my car of the kids so I went to the job site where he had working to drop them off and he was there...wanted to talk..wanted to be friends...said his doctor had put him on medication that altered his mood/personality and that he was no longer taking them..realized he was an idiot and wanted to have me in his life if at all possible.. etc. etc..after a couple of months we ended up back together. didn't know he was still talking to the 19 year old...She turned psycho (didn't help he kept calling her but I didn't know that at the time) and she stalked us for a long time and so he moved in October of last year. At first i didn't stay with him...but eventually moved in...Things were fine at first,but I always felt that i cared more about the relationship than he did. I made him my priority (my 1st mistake). I made him my focus...I wanted to do anything and everything in my power to make him happy, and I when I saw that it just wasn't working that made me unhappy...He would get agrivated at work and come home and snap at me. Not want me to touch him or bother him in anyway. There were times when we would go 2-3 days without saying more than three words to each other. I started getting more involved in my church and realized that in order to have a relationship w/God the way I wanted to, I couldn't be living with him and us not be married. Especially since we were intimate! In the beginning of our relationship we talked about marriage alot and I got VERY excited!

 

(( By the way, his opinion changes like the weather in Tennessee. When i found out he was cheating and moved out the first time, he looked me straight in the eye and told me he didn't want to get or be married and he didn't want any more kids. Which absolutely broke my heart because there was a chance at the time that I could have been pregnant.))

 

Anyway~ I realized that I shouldn't be living there and we both agreed that I would move back home once again. We were NOT breaking up, he understood and was very supportive of my decision. He had started going to church as well and we had both come to the conclusion it would help our relationship if we were trying to do God's will.

 

During the time that we have been apart(Since the middle of March) I came to a conclusion. After many times of trying to call and him being just as hateful to me as he always was, and him never putting any effort to make time to see me.. We would still sometimes go for a day or two w/o contact. He was always too busy to talk, and when I would joke and say, "Do ya miss me?" He would come back with "I really haven't had time to be honest with you." I decided that if he wanted to see me then he could come see me, and if he wanted to talk to me that he could call me so I stopped chasing after him... I made "ME" my priority and I did what made "ME" happy instead of always worrying about him.... I didn't drop what I was doing anymore to drive over there and watch a movie. He didn't seem to like that very well....

 

Now all of a sudden in the last two weeks he has decided that he doens't want to be alone anymore. And all of sudden a baby w/me doesn't sound so bad anymore....He asked me what was going on and i told him I just didn't know what I wanted anymore that i needed to figure some things out ....10 minutes later he asked me to Marry him, when a less than a month ago we were joking and I said, "so ya gonna marry me?" and he got really mad and snapped at me "No, I told you I don't want to be married" (Honestly I was only joking with him) Now he wants to start saving money for the future (hear it before, but he never followed through) He has recently developed a jealousy issue because I am not there all the time. And now he keeps trying to get me to spend the night over there all the time and told me that HE wanted ME to start staying over more.(Knowing good and well that that was the reason I moved out in the first place) All of a sudden he just doesn't understand whats so wrong about it. I don't understand him AT ALL. I guess i'm supposed to throw MY morals away casue he up and decided that I was worth having around...

 

I was honest with him and told him that I couldn't answer his proposal right now. I told him I wanted to see if things got better between us...I feel like things are so different now, and I feel that I deserve better than what I've got with him.. Who's to say that he wont change his mind again, and cheat. Who's to say that he is just not saying all this because he realized he was loosing me and he wants to keep me close.(He is known for him Chameleon personality....he adapts to whoever he's around at the moment and says what he needs to to apease them) I love him, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy. Of course I don't know if I would, cause he is trying to do better (in his own way) after all....he does make the effort to pick up the phone and waist the breath to ask me to drive over there all the time now(instead of making the effort to come see me).... I guess my problem is....will it ever be any different than what it was when I lived there? Is it possible for him to change? Will I run the risk of being unhappy for the rest of my life? I just don't really know what to do....I'm not one to give up on people, I am the type that trys to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and trys to see the good in people.. I just don't know if I can trust his intentions.... I don't want keep getting Hurt like I have! I don't want to get excited of the possibility and get let down again. I don't want to be the victim of yet another broken promise. I may have answered my own questions, and If I have PLEASE let me know..... I need input!!!

 

Sorry it was so long, but thank you for taking the time to help!

 

~asheamed~

[CandleInTheWind]

First of all, you are not ignorant and naive....you are human. You love this person, and love can often make you blind. It's a reality for all of us. (Trust me I know, I've been in fool in my own relationship before) But you have proven that you are strong and intelligent by having the courage to post your personal experiences here.

 

It sounds like this guy is very emotionally unstable. He's mature in years and immature in his heart. He can't figure out what he wants from one day to the next. It seems he can't be trusted. I think this is part of his PERSONALITY and not his AGE There are plenty of men who grow older gracefully without the "mid-life crisis". I think "mid-life crisis" is just an excuse people/society use to hurt others and try to get away with it. Don't ever except his manipulative behavior as being the result of a "mid-life crisis". It's the result of conscious decisions he makes to be selfish and hurtful.

 

This is just my opinion: I think you should end it with him. I know it's not easy but you have to GET RID OF HIM. I'm sure you've heard this before, but you're 25 years old, there are a lot of fish in the sea. I don't think you should waste any more of your time with this one. Most importantly, I don't think you should have a child with him. He already has 3 kids of his own, and has shown in many ways that you are not a high proiority in his life. He is playing games with you. If he treats you like this now, I dont' think he'll be a supportative partner and father if you have his baby. Get away now, while you still can. If you have a child with this man, you will be stuck having him and his selfish behavior in your life FOREVER. Worst of all, an innocent child will be the one who suffers the most.

 

You deserve a good man who genuinely wants to marry you and have a child with you. They are plenty out there...you just have to untie yourself from this one and give yourself a chance to meet a good guy. the more time you waste with this one....The more you limit your opporunities and lose years off of YOUR life. You don't want to up troubled like him when you are older. Create a good life for yourself now. You deserve no less.

[laurag78]

Candleinthewind,

I couldn't have said it better myself. I tottally agree with you.

GET OUT! Stop wasting your time. You deserve better. I know from experience that it takes a miracle for men like that to change. Never settle for less. life is too short. You need to take a stand and leave him.

Don't think about it anymore and like Nike says "JUST DO IT".

 

Good Luck!

[Brownsville Girl]

asheamed,

 

Yes, I agree with the above postings. Of course this man may have many good qualities that aren't evident in you post but..... Treating you the way he has, is completely unacceptable. You do not deserve to be given the silent treatment, you do not deserve to be lied to. I think being in a relationship like that must take an enourmous toll on one's self esteem. You sound like a wonderfully caring person, there are people that will appreciate that and reciprocate. I strongly suspect if you go back to him, that sooner rather than later, he'll start taking you for granted again. I understand what you're saying in regards to loving him and not wanting to give up on him. I would initiate 'no contact' for a few months, continue focusing on you. Obviously he misses you when you pull away, he needs to know that you will not stand to be treated poorly no matter how much you love him. I really believe this will allow you some perspective to think if this person is in any way deserving of any relationship with you. I would do no contact for at least three months. It's going to be terribly hard, but the results will be worth it. Again, use the time to focus on yourself, meet people, expand and improve yourself. If after that time you still are interested in him then consider making contact, see where he is. Think long and hard if you want to re-involve youself with him, it sound to me that he doesn't deserve you.

 

Good luck,

BVG[/b]

[Brownsville Girl]

One other thing,

Like someone else has mentioned, I don't think any of this has to do with his age, the age difference between you, or a mid-life crisis. He probably has treated people poorly his whole life.