gp913 Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 Background: Ex (together 4 years) and I reconnected in October and started dating again... Saw eachother/talked almost every day... November, she said that she wanted to date someone else also, which I went along with for 3 weeks since we're "just dating", no committment. I never really asked about it, but it kept eating away at me. Anyways, last week, tried to talk to her to tell her how I felt and she thought I was attacking/pressuring her. Things blew up and didn't go very well. She was upset and said she'd talk to me later. There were a lot of misinterpretations and things came out wrong. I sent an email the next day clearing up the misunderstandings that I wasn't trying to pressure/attack her and that I just don't think it's good for us to date anymore while she is dating someone else also... I told her that I don't think it's healthy and feel it's added stress to the situation. So we've been dating again for the past 2 months to this point (4 year relationship, 2 month break, 2 month dating again). Situation Still haven't heard from her... It's been over a week now... I had given hope that I would hear from her when the semester is over or when she talks to her therapist (both this upcoming week)... Anyways, what do you think will happen in this situation? Did I do the right thing? Do you think she is going to continue to see what is there with this other guy and do you think that may help/hurt me? Do you think I'll hear from her soon? She knows that I'd like to talk about it and she did say she'd talk to me later... I don't think my email stopped that... Did I do the right thing in stopping us seeing each other while she wants to date others? Anyways, still a lot of Facebook interaction I see between them. It hurts to see it, but she's still "Single". She just met him in November and they're constantly talking... They could be really good friends, but blah. She still said that she wanted to date someone else also 3 weeks ago and she didn't say otherwise when I was talking about how I was feeling and we both got defensive... I never asked about her dating others because what right did I have? Never asked who or anything... We weren't committed and she kept saying things that nobody needs to know what she's doing all of the time. I think she just wants to be independent right now... I felt like I was standing up for myself, something that I wouldn't normally do during the relationship... I feel I may brought this all up at the wrong time as well last week, since we had just had a really nice evening the night before, she stayed over, and I brought it up in the morning. But she felt my heart pounding and I was really stressed and it just came out... I feel we could have worked on things and things could have been great... but she still feels hurt by me... I wish I had known that she still felt hurt by me... but we haven't had a chance to discuss things... I think it is good for us to atleast discuss this since last time we talked $#^t hit the fan and one of the reasons for our breakup was me not being open with my feelings. I really want us to discuss this so we can understand what really happened here. Still a lot of misinterpreting things... I always hear that both parties should be fully healed before trying again... I had no clue that she still felt hurt by me... I could understand being cautious with things, but I wish I had known... She said that I'm working on everything that needed to be worked on. She told me she never would have thought I'd actually change and told me that feelings had come back for me, but she still feels unsure about things... Do I still have a shot later? Is she maybe just enjoying the attention now and wanting to explore? Why do this after bringing me back into her life? She dumped her rebound guy for me immediately after a discussion we had about some business... where she saw that I had been working on things and was doing well (or to her, atleast). Is it possible that she may be hurt still that it took her breaking up with me for me to suddenly start being more proactive and doing things? Please, some advice... ](*,) I don't know where this is going and I keep questioning what I did... atleast then I was seeing her again... but I didn't want to keep feeling like I was a comfort for her... But I feel like this was needed for anything successful to possibly happen in the future... I know I'm risking losing her, and I told her that in the email, but I felt that this was the right thing... Opinions? Sorry, my mind is all over the place and I really need some insight. Link to comment
JBaker Posted December 5, 2009 Share Posted December 5, 2009 You can view dating her while she is dating others as an exciting chance to restart your relationship. You have to compete for her all over again like when you first met. It is difficult thinking of your ex with another man, I am sure. But showing that it doesn't bother you, that you are secure with your place with her, could work in your favor. If you could get back to that place with her then you might consider giving it a shot (if you think you can handle it). How to get back to that position, I have no idea. From the opposite side, if you feel like you cannot handle thinking of her with another man then you probably did the right thing. If it is something you aren't sure you can handle then it may be the best thing for you to have broken things off with her and moved on. Link to comment
gp913 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 See, I've seen this situation from both of those angles... Since I haven't talked to her in a week, I've rethought things and wondered, really, we aren't committed... why encourage her to date this guy... I want to first address what are the things that she still feels hurt by. Should I really have to compete? I was with her for 4 years... Add in the fact that she still feels hurt by me... I really wish I had known that so we could work on it... Maybe it isn't too late? I would be able to do this, but I would ask her to definitely keep me in the loop this time with things... she had said 3 weeks ago she wanted to date someone else, but nothing since. The stress mainly built up because of that. I'm so confused. I know of one way I MAY be able to get back to that position... really that night and the days before, my emotions had been running high... The night before we talked, we had a movie night... in between movies, she asked if she could go on my computer and email a friend she was holding a class for... well, it was the guy I've suspected her to be dating... She was replying to a long email and she didn't just acknowledge it and send the email... I could just be honest with her and tell her that I felt a little hurt that night... that even though I said it was okay to use my computer and send the email, that I still felt a little hurt... Just be honest with her perhaps? Because I was able to do this for 3 weeks... but they started talking more and more over those weeks until it got to be too much. This past week, I've done lots of thinking. I feel secure in my place with her, only if we clear up why she feels hurt by me and have an honest discussion. I'm pretty sure this is why she still feels so unsure about things and is holding back... We have been doing couplely things otherwise... Otherwise, I will stick by what I did... This past week, I've felt like I've gotten stronger... which is why I'm wondering if I did the right thing... Really, as you can tell, I'm still very confused... mainly because I want to still have the discussion that I MEANT to have last time we talked (except it blew up). I bought tickets to see the Nutcracker in 2 weeks, so I could suggest to take a break and go to that together... that would only be if I did do this again, which is where I'm confused... I definitely want to be with her though, no doubt. We had discussed marriage not THAT long ago. Sorry for my long responses! Link to comment
gp913 Posted December 6, 2009 Author Share Posted December 6, 2009 Any other opinions? Insight? Advice? I definitely want to talk to her... but I would only do it later this upcoming week if I am going to initiate it. It's her exam week this week... Link to comment
gp913 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Please help. Anybody have any advice or opinions on this? Was my post too long? Link to comment
gp913 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Thanks. I'm agreeing with you guys. Yeah, I sent her a quick message this morning wishing her luck on her exam week and asking if we could find some time to talk later this week or weekend. A week ago, I told her I don't think that I should be dating her while dating others... but this past week apart, I know that I could do it and I just need to chill out. A lot of this stress, I created myself... I didn't chill out and maybe appeared pushy and clingy at times... I feel I made a horrible mistake with what I told her, but I need to address the fact that she still feels hurt by me... I'll just have to see when she replies... Do you think me telling her that I feel that I need to chill out and start fresh is okay? That I didn't mean to appear pushy at all (I was better in November)... I know she may not want to do this again, since I think she got frustrated during the 2 months, but she may see that I am serious. I know she has feelings for me -- she hasn't outright rejected me... She had been patient with me for so long... We're both trying to be independent and I just want to be open with her. Can I recover and date her again from what I said? Girls, how would you feel if you were her? By saying that I created a lot of this stress myself (she knows I have an anxiety problem) and I just want to chill out, start fresh for real this time, no pressure, and get to know her all over again... Ideas on this? Link to comment
gp913 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 So I know she's seen my message asking if we can get together and talk sometime within the next week or so... but no reply immediately (didn't expect it, will give it some time), but since then I've seen loads of interaction between this guy and her on Facebook... they keep posting quotes from a British show on their pages... He's got her hooked on this show... When she was with me, she always told me she didn't like British comedies, so I never bothered her with the shows that I liked like that such as Monty Python, etc... She always refused to watch them. She never confirmed that he was the one she was dating, or if she is really dating anyone at all, but they seem to be really good friends if they aren't... I really hope that I hear from her so that we can discuss what has happened. Really there was a lot of confusion and I had hoped we could clear things up... It didn't happen... Any ideas on this? Any opinions from a female perspective on this? Link to comment
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