Thinking of breaking NC

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone,

 

I know this is not what I should do, but I've been thinking about it for a while now. I'm just wondering how she is doing, and what she's up to. I miss her alot.

 

I have been doing NC for 5 months. We were together 2 years and 3 months (3 months LDR). Initially, when she broke up with me, I did NC for 2 weeks, and then she contacted me again. Back then, I was determined to move on, and in those two weeks, I actually was feeling better. When she IMed me after 2 weeks of NC, she just wanted to see if I was okay, and I bucked up and managed to type "yes, I am okay". As I was determined to move on then, I said that I had to go, but then she said she still wanted to talk to me, and I asked her "what for?", and she said she wanted to try one more time. So we agreed to talk to each other in a couple of days, at a certain time, but then she never showed up the day and time we agreed to IM each other. So that just broke my heart again.

 

When she did not appear, I felt tired and fed up of the whole situation, and sent her one last email saying basically that I thought it was a mistake that she told me she wanted to "try one last time", and put my hopes up only to disappoint me again. Also, I said to her its not healthy for both of us to try to contact each for a while, and then I wished her good luck with everything, and that was that. We haven't been in communication since then (beginning of January).

 

I guess I'm feeling kind of nostalgic for the things we planned together for the future. Yesterday, I went to a colleagues house warming party, and saw his wife and kids, and they were really happy. It just kept reminding me of the potential future my ex and I could have had.

 

Am I being stupid?? Is this just a momment of weakness, and I should just bite the bullet and just move on?? Should I risk my 5 months of healing just to see how she's doing?

 

I know if I was stronger, I wouldn't even be thinking of this, and just doing my own thing - but I can't help but think of her. Can somebody please tell me I'm being stupid??

 

Kung fu

[Adom]

I don't know if you're being stupid or not. I'm thinking about contacting an ex myself. The biggest issue regarding how smart this action would be are the reasons why the two of you split in the first place.

 

If I may ask, what were they?

[fusionoflove]

I've been in the same situation that you're going through. Remember, she broke up with you and not you with her. She probably thinks that you'd jump at any chance to get back together. So stay with the n/c rule. She's the one with the power because it wasn't a mutual break-up. Meaning she thinks she has the power to decide if she wants to get back into a relationship with you. By getting a hold of her, you'll only reinforce that false sense of power she has over the relationship. Who would want to be in a relationship where things aren't mutually shared.

 

Also, from personal experience, no contact works on different levels as well. It allows you to heal, but more importantly it allows you to regain your sense of self.

 

It shows that you can move on with your life. Everyone wants to be seen as a choice, that someone has chosen to love them, instead of,"Well there's no one else around, so I guess I'll love him/her." She doesn't want that and neither do you.

 

Now, I'm only speaking from experience. My ex-girlfriend moved away to finish college for two years. After the break-up, I stayed with the n/c rule. It worked like clockwork. Every couple months, bingo, email or phone call. I even got an email from her the day after Valentine's and I know she has a boyfriend. Do I love her, with all my heart. But I love her so much that I'm willing to look out for myself. To make myself a better person. You should do the same for yourself.

[neallo82288]

If you feel like you have truly moved on and have no more feelings for her but want to be friends then feel free to contact her. I assume that you still want her as your g/f and if that is the case all the healing you have done will no longer be there and you will start back at stage one. Friendships with exes can be tricky because they will have other relationships in their lives and it is how you feel and react to these relationships that define yourself. How have you moved in your mental self? Have your forgiven her for breaking it in the first place?

 

Now, remember that she broke it off with you and you have been tearing yourself apart for 5 months and now you want to hear her say that she made a misstake, but that probably will not happen and you will be destroyed. I would like to contact my ex, but I do not feel that I am ready, because I still have feelings for her.

 

Kungfu, do you want to feel like garbage again? Are you ready to hear that she has someone else in her life? Are you ready to hear all your worst nightmares and still not be heartbroken? Can you live with the consequences of talking to her again? if you can answer yes to these questions then go for it. But if you answer no to any of them then wait till you are ready.

 

Feel free to pm me and I will try to help you more.

 

Neallo

 

Hope this helped

[PatientZero]

3 months after being dumped I'm still in hell and I figured that no contact wasn't helping me heal - it was just festering within me. I kept wearing myself out wondering what had gone wrong.

 

I just sent an email to my ex girlfriend asking how things were going, and that I still wanted to be friends (she had suggested we just be friends before but I said no I would always be wanting more than that, which was true at the time).

 

So she replied - apparently they are not going so well for her (nothing to do with me though - just that her life is not good at the moment)... and even just reading her reply helped a bit...

 

So I replied again and said I was really sorry to hear that and tried to give some advice, and kept it fairly cordial and low-key... and sent that email...

 

...and then about an hour later, I thought "£"!$ this" and sent her another email saying that I still really miss her and how every time something good happens to me I only think about how much better it would be if I could share it with her... mainly because I figured, there's a chance that she is regretting what happened, but she's too good a person to "give it another try" and risk hurting me again...

 

So I made it clear that even if we dated again for a short while and she again ended it that I would feel better about things, and I still wanted to be her friend if nothing else could happen...

 

I concluded my email by saying not to worry, I was OK no matter what happens after this - and I suddenly realized that this really was true!

 

I think the reason is because I figure, there's a chance she will reply and try to explain to me what happened... but even if she doesn't, I think I had to do this... because now, if she doesn't reply, I know that she's sure that it would never have worked.... so I can stop worrying about what might have been, and all the "if-only's" can be finally laid to rest.

 

And I went to a party that night and met a different girl that night who I actually liked - the first time since being dumped that I was able to seriously consider a future with another woman.

 

So... I guess for me, I think it has helped for me to break No Contact... it must be pretty obvious that I'm still not fully healed yet - but I think this was a necessary step for me. You see, the key piece of information I needed 100% certainty on is that this was not the right woman for me, and now, I'm either going to get that certainty, or she's going to reply and want to get back together again (but the latter is 0.000001% likely I'm beginning to realise).

 

I'm finally beginning to understand that to really meet the perfect woman for me, I had to fall in love with the wrong one first, and experience this pain... It's been a hard lesson but a necessary one.

 

So... I guess, depending on your circumstances, breaking no contact might help you too (but not necessarily to get them back).

[melrich]

Ask yourself honestly what your motives are. If you just feel nostalgic as you say and you feel you are not going to be hurt by making contact, go for it. Don't worry about who has power and all that rubbish, I can assure, people involved in a break up on either side do not think in those terms, that is just macho crap. Do you really think she will be sitting there when you contact her thinking, "i've still got the power". Contact her if you want and you feel you are ready. Some of your best friendships will eventually be with exes, I know mine are.

[Hunney Pooh]

Dear Kungfumaster,

 

I agree with richgabe, I think you still remember my case, don't you? (the topic "Until When Do I Need To Suffer"). Actually one hour after the phone conversation with my ex that night, I texted him saying that I have realised we are only meant to be friends (which is true) and wished him all the best.

 

Now I feel so much better that instead of wanting him back, I'm taking him as a friend who I can concern for. I just feel as if I've put down all my burden and I'm no longer crying before I go to bed. He starts to forward mails to me again and I did forward back to him. Now I can see there's no "push" or "pull" situation between us. If there's any opportunity to be together again in the future, well that's destiny. Otherwise, we can at least still be friends.

 

If you think you are prepared for the worst to happen in which she doesn't want to come back to this relationship and you are prepared to take her as your friend again, just give it a try. Please take time to think thoroughly. Good luck to you, me and all the people around.

[fantasia2004]

Dear KungFu,

 

 

I agree with most of the posts here, I think you should take time to review the five months of no contact and what happened recently with your ex . Don't let that happen again Because she is going to test you and make you feel like a fool. Leave the clowning for the circus. You are a man with great qualities and potential. If She can't see that then forget about her and move on and deal with reality baby. Otherwise you will destruct yourself like a bomb.

 

Love

 

Fantasia

the energy Booster!!!!!

[Scout]

Five months of NC should be enough time to have figured out some things about your ex and the relationship. If you think the positives far outweigh the negatives, than contact her. And tell us what happened!

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone,

 

Thank you very much for your advise. I tried to call my brother and a couple of my friends last night, but no one seemed to be around, and I was going nuts. Its good to know that this forum has alot of good people who are willing to take time to give advise - so THANKS ALOT EVERYONE.

 

Adom - yah - it would take me a while to tell you my story - but to make a long story short - I moved to another city for a job - we had issues before - issues were magnified during LDR - stress in the new city for me, and her issues with her dad projected onto me + LDR just tore us apart.

 

fusionoflove - I know what you mean. Ever since she left me high and dry that day she didn't show up for the IM to talk about a possible "reconciliation", I have felt helpless and powerless in our relationship. Now that 5 months have gone by with NC, I feel at least that I've gotten myself together (good health, good job, vacation in 1 month, etc - wish I could work more though - that's about it). So in that sense, I have gotten my self control back. Yah, if I get back in contact with her, she will have power again.

 

neallo - thanks for your great advise. I have always read your advise in the past, and they were all great - this was no exception. Yah - you are right. Do I really want to feel like garbage again?? Am I ready to hear that she's got a new bf? I guess, honestly, I am not ready for that yet, so I'm going to postpone it for a while until I'm ready - maybe I'll never be ready - who knows??

 

Patientzero - thanks for your story. In a way, I sort of feel that way sometimes too, but I'm always the type of guy who is "safe" - maybe that's why my life is always going so slow. I always take the safe route. I know what you mean - maybe in breaking NC, and indeed finding out she's got a new bf or she's been with some men (although my guess is no, but then again, I thought we could have made it through our LDR, so who knows what I know now - sorry, confusing) - it will help me get over her faster and realize she's not the one. But to be honest, in my most calming moments, I think maybe we aren't meant to be together. I think if she did choose me, she would phone me, and that's it, period. Since she doesn't want me, she has no reason to phone me or contact me - so why should I pine for her if she doesn't want me. Tough to swallow for me still, but its getting better everyday, bit by bit.

 

Richgabe - thanks for your input too. I envy people who can be friends with their ex's. I've never managed to be friends with any of my ex's, but then again, all my ex's are far away in different cities, so maybe that's why I don't have a friendship with them - I'm too lazy to keep anything going in terms of a friendship. I hope though, maybe with my recent ex, in a while (I don't know when), I can re-contact her, and we can be friends - but that's a real big hope though - not sure if I can do it. I mean, honestly, your right, my motives last night when I was thinking of breaking NC was to infact see if she might be "not alright" because of our break up, and see if we can try again. I'm so glad I had the strenght to not break NC, because those would be the wrong reasons to break NC. I think neallo and you are right. I have to REALLY have the motive of just wanting to be friends again to break NC - and I'm not quite there yet I guess.

 

Hunney - thanks your support too - glad you're feeling much better. Yah - I will definitely sit on my thoughts for a bit longer before I decide to be proactive.

 

Fantasia Thanks for your compliments. You're ausome! I will leave the clowning to the circus, and not try to self destruct myself like a bomb. I love sayings

 

Scout, unfortunately, I will think I will keep up the NC for a while still until I feel comfortable to break it - but I'll let you know when I'll do it

 

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE - you have helped me immensely. I have decided to remain on NC until I have healed further.

 

Take care everyone.

Kung fu

[disEnchantid]

hey kung fu!

I just read your post and I am SO relieved you decided not to contact that girl, if you had I might have done something stupid like figured, hey, five months is a good time to break NC I guess, and tried to call my ex and then we both would have been back at square one, more than likely. I know other people have had success with it, but you and I are probably not ready for the possible consequences yet, and frankly, it is more important to me to forget about him as much as possible rather than try to contact him to see if the feelings were really gone or not. Even though I feel like they probably are, actually talking to and hearing the other person's voice can be a very powerful thing. Believe me, I would love for him to know how far I have come these past few months, all the accomplishments I feel I have made and the growing up I feel I have done. Would he really care though? probably not. Would it change anything? my guess is no. My advice to you, stay strong, and stay away from the ex, she's in the past, leave her there ;-)

 

all my best

 

dE