Race against your ex

[INeedHelpFast]

Why is it that I feel like I'm in a "race" to find a new partner before my ex does? It has been 6 months since we broke up, and truthfully, I enjoy being single sometimes, and sometimes I would LOVE to have a partner to share everything with. However, I get caught up in the fact that I'm in this "race" to win and find someone before she does. I broke up with her because she was emotionally cheating, and then a few months later I went back to her and she called it quits for good. I just want to find a new special someone before she does, I don't know why but I do. I feel anxious all the time, and every girl I meet, I think to myself whether or not she would be gf material, weird I know. I feel like me doing this, or having this mentality makes me come off as desperate or something. What should I do? I keep running ideas through my head of how great it would be if my ex initiated a conversation and I ended up saying, "ive moved on" , just to get the satisfaction of seeing her reaction after she hurt me over and over again. Any suggestions? I meet girls but I don't pursue anything I don't like. I don't want to settle for anything less than what I deserve, but this race against her is killing me! I've tried to reason with myself that I don't need to base anything in my life off of her, but I just NEED that satisfaction.

[Theblueman123]

Dating someone new doesn't mean that you've healed and moved on. In fact in some cases it can mean quite the opposite. Just work on healing yourself and don't "race against your ex" in order to find someone before they do. This only hurts you and the other person involved.

[INeedHelpFast]

Dating someone new doesn't mean that you've healed and moved on. In fact in some cases it can mean quite the opposite. Just work on healing yourself and don't "race against your ex" in order to find someone before they do. This only hurts you and the other person involved.

 

How do you tell when you are completely healed? Its been 6 months and I keep telling myself that it shouldn't matter anymore. I've had 1-2 month phases where I didn't think about her at all, and then suddenly a week ago it hit me again, just not as bad.

[Hobbes]

How do you tell when you are completely healed? Its been 6 months and I keep telling myself that it shouldn't matter anymore. I've had 1-2 month phases where I didn't think about her at all, and then suddenly a week ago it hit me again, just not as bad.

 

That sounds pretty healed to me, honestly you shouldn't have to spend your life doing this and 6 months is a good period as any. You will always think of an ex from time to time but if you spend say a month or two not dwelling on it, you are there. I still think of an ex from ten years ago maybe once every other month and I am healed. You are healed if you say you are and believe it.

[INeedHelpFast]

That sounds pretty healed to me, honestly you shouldn't have to spend your life doing this and 6 months is a good period as any. You will always think of an ex from time to time but if you spend say a month or two not dwelling on it, you are there. I still think of an ex from ten years ago maybe once every other month and I am healed. You are healed if you say you are and believe it.

 

I feel like I just need to move on before she does. If I dont, and she ends up moving on before I do, I feel like I'm going to feel even more lonely again. I try not to associate anything with her anymore, but is this feeling of a "race" normal??

[Superman87]

I feel like I just need to move on before she does. If I dont, and she ends up moving on before I do, I feel like I'm going to feel even more lonely again. I try not to associate anything with her anymore, but is this feeling of a "race" normal??

 

I'm 4 weeks NC. I dont proclaim to be healed, but I feel as though I am more than on my way. After 6 months I can assure you that I will be. If you're still feeling like this now I'd have to question what you have been doing since the break-up?

 

Sure you're bound to still think of them after 6 months, that's natural, especially if you have shared so many happy memories together but you should be healed.

 

I can only tell you what I've been doing and hopefully this might help? I iniated immediate NC, it really does help YOU initially remove the hurt and thoughts from your mind. I went out and bought ALOT of new clothes, to the extent where when I go out now I feel like a model/celeb and I know I look good. This gives you confidence, gaining confidence then makes you feel happy because other people around you notice this. I am out with my friends throughout the weekend, I am busy in the gym or at football throughout the week. See the theme? I keep busy busy busy busy.

 

The stage you're at I'd drop the ex a message. Something like "Hi, how are you doing? I hope your well x" this gives them the impression your not bitter, stubborn or mad at them. This will help you to because it tells your brain you forgive them and you arent bitter, stubborn or mad.

 

One final thing, going out looking for love will end in tears. Sure you might find something decent but it wont last. Just go out there and begin to enjoy your NEW life. Let love find you. But in order for it to find you, you need to be out there.

[BlueRizla]

I agree with most of this though there is no timescale to healing. Everyone has their own pace. And I have been doing all the right things and still I havent healed in the way you have so far, therefore again I suggest that we all have our own timeline on this kinda thing. Good post none the less. I like the bit about dropping them a message. Maybe asking a friend to say hello wasnt such a bad idea. Cheers.

[Superman87]

I agree with most of this though there is no timescale to healing. Everyone has their own pace. And I have been doing all the right things and still I havent healed in the way you have so far, therefore again I suggest that we all have our own timeline on this kinda thing. Good post none the less. I like the bit about dropping them a message. Maybe asking a friend to say hello wasnt such a bad idea. Cheers.

 

 

Your right there is absolutely no timescale, every single one of us is different. I am not proclaiming to 100% over my ex, far from in fact, but I am beginning to feel healed and enjoy my life again.

 

Asking a friend to say hello probably wasnt a bad idea. It is all dependent on what you actually want? I like the idea of reconcilliation at the moment, so I want my ex to know I am not bitter, sad or mad at her or the situation (because I am not and remaining in NC would put that message accross).

[rapunzel]

I understand this "race" and I've already come in last. He's dating someone new and I'm still alone. And I've had to see her, and watch him kiss her and it's not easy. It sucks. I have to see him tonight at rehearsal and I'm dreading it; this is a new relationship for him and he's in the honeymoon phase, probably loving it and his head is swelled up as he's 50 and she's 35...he got what he wanted: a much younger woman. Well, I made that last stuff up, I have no idea how the rel'ship is going. Making stupid assumptions again!

 

The challenge is to tell yourself that you're fine without a partner. You were OK before you met her and you'll be just fine without her. Another person does not define your worth or desirability and it's all in the way you THINK about it. This is what I struggle with but it's true. It's all in the way we THINK and it's not about who has somebody new first. It's all about whether we value ourselves enough to know that just because our ex has a new partner, it does not diminish us in any way.

[susie198]

HI I need help

 

I think you're not over your ex yet. You still seem to have some issues regarding the split. Are you angry with her for dumping you - hence your desire to find someone new so that you can show her you've moved on? And did your self esteem suffer in a way that you are perhaps denying even to yourself and you think that having a relationship will show you, her and the rest of the world that you're this confident guy who can get yourself a lovely girl?

 

Think what feelings you have that you feel would be alleviated by winning this race you've set yourself. Anger, inadequacy, lack of confidence? Which is it? Once you identify the emotion, you're half way to understanding what motivates you and fixing the problem. Once you know what the emotion is, then consider what caused you to feel that way? Was it simply being dumped that did it? Or was she abusive during the relationship such that your self esteem took a battering?

 

You need to understand the effect the relationship has had on you in order to understand how you can get back to being yourself. If you have confidence issues, I'd suggest taking up a new and challenging hobby to boost your confidence. I don't suggest dating as a litmus test of your healing. I think you could potentially hurt people that way and then you'd just end up feeling worse about yourself.

 

I'd also suggest doing some reading on relationship issues so that you can develop a better understanding of the dynamics of what happened to you. It is really quite amazing what reading the right book can do - it can give you a perspective and an understanding that will really help you see the relationship for what it was. It may also help you to identify what went wrong - hence help you avoid the same thing happening in the future.

 

This isn't a quick fix, but it's not necessarily going to take that long. I think its normal that she pops into your head from time to time and you experience a resurgence of the sadness. These incidents will lessen with time, as they have done up to now.

 

Wishing you lots of luck

 

Susie

[INeedHelpFast]

thanks for the input everyone, I really appreciate it. I'm not exactly sure, I guess I'm not over it then. I defriended her on facebook, and she set it to public profile now, but whenever I come accross her name, my heart drops and I just can't click on it in fear of seeing her moving on. On one hand, I never want to have any connection with her ever again but at the same time, I still miss her I guess. I'm angry that it was her fault but on top of that, I gave it my all, and yet she was blind to see it. I regret getting back with her the first time she broke up with me because she wanted "space". Space to hang out with that other guy who kept butting in our relationship, which caused me to break up with her. I'm angry that she didn't care at all about how I felt, and that I put her feelings ahead of mine. I'm angry that she chose another guy over me, and that I always felt second best. At the time of breaking up, I thought I did myself some justice by leaving someone who didn't deserve me. I was genuine, respectful, caring, and things didn't turn out in my favor. I guess I'm having trouble "being myself" again. I know what went wrong in the relationship, but oh how it would feel SO good to show her that I was with someone who was deserving of what I had to offer; someone who wouldn't treat me like I was second best.