Codependent And Healing

[blueangel]

I'm not blue or an angel. I've achieved an answer out of sorrow, and I've accepted I'm only human. Perhaps the reason why I was sad and thought of myself as selfless was because I was codependent.

 

Codependency is many things. Irrational behavior are the symptoms. That's because something in you- or me- is traumatized and seeking help through helping others. Yet, at the root, you cannot stand yourself and if someone rejects you, you internalize it and believe in the rejection more than you believe in yourself.

 

It comes from altruism- living through helping others. The cause is lack of love in childhood such as abandonment issues or low self esteem. Either way, a learned behavior like this usually has a root.

 

I feel something like peace. It's hard to describe, and I'm afraid to open up because I don't want it to go away. I just found it. It is focusing 100% on ME, my wellbeing, my needs and wants. This has nothing to do with others. That is the complete opposite of codependency.

 

I have voices in my head- not the kind you are thinking, but my own traumatized ones which hear someone saying to me, "I hate you!" and "Leave me alone!" I've internalized many of the negative treatments I've had and used its pain as hope that I can better myself and others. But the others part has always stung me.

 

Self focus. Self focus. Self focus. It pulls me out of this depression and into a new kind of state- one vulnerabe. I'm healing. It's safe to say.

[Mauxly]

This is an awesome post! So true. So very true.

I sometimes wonder if most of the folks on here aren't somewhat codependent?

I guarantee you that my ex is not suffering to the point of needing to reach out to a bunch of strangers to heal, and I'm the one that ultimately ended the relationship. However, I bet ya that he's tried more than once to drown the pain in a bottle of Crown Royal. What does that tell you about me...?

[blueangel]

This is an awesome post! So true. So very true.

I sometimes wonder if most of the folks on here aren't somewhat codependent?

I guarantee you that my ex is not suffering to the point of needing to reach out to a bunch of strangers to heal, and I'm the one that ultimately ended the relationship. However, I bet ya that he's tried more than once to drown the pain in a bottle of Crown Royal. What does that tell you about me...?

 

The crazy part about codependence is that you just want positive reinforcement and love but you go about it unhealthily. It is not a want any longer. It is a need. That's when it becomes a problem- where you cannot survive without and are emotionally unstable without it.

 

As for your boyfriend, don't wish such ill thoughts on him! I'm glad you got away and aren't going back but relishing in the thoughts of him drinking you away isn't much healthier. Don't get value for yourself from those thoughts either! You know why? They are still codependent and through someone else