realtionship break in secret adds.............

[gizza]

hi

on the surface its another relationship issue , but theres a twist or two ...i've been having a 'thing' with a woman at work over the past 6 years , we have always kept it quiet though ,shes married but separated & the secret element made it fun & i thought brought us closer .

 

Over the last 6 months she has made excuses about seeing me at times that we would have normally spent together .

 

On her birthday i went round with some flowers ....only to find one of our company directors Mercedes in the driveway! I thought for a moment , but still knocked the door, she came to an upstairs window & said i could'nt come in because her son was i'll & the doctor was there , and his car was only left there while this guy was away on business as it got scratched at the airport carpark ! Now i confronted her later with this & she said that she was not having an affair & not to worry .

Not easy.... I tried but it kept cropping up, we are now at a point where she still says i was wrong but wants to finnish because i've hurt her by doubting her , the issue now is i have to see them both at work everyday !

 

Work has suffered , no concertration , constantly heart pounding , sleepless nights & depression has really set in .

All this would be just another relationship break-up with a twist , if i had'nt had a another relationship where my partner had gone off with a 'friend' which took along time to get over , its been at the back of why a reacted how i did , but i still feel it was reasonable to confront the situation even if i didnt have something similar happen before .

 

Now i'm wondering if anything did go on , if so is that why shes been distant with me & have i played into thier hands by not ignoring it , and even if nothing ever went on between them could anyone NOT have suspicions !

 

i feel destined to be a lonely old man ( im 39) & the worst of it all is i can't tell anyone as no friends ever met her & work pals didnt know we were in a relationship !

 

thats what brought me here , i do feel really desperate

 

i've read a few posts and look forward to hearing from anyone who has an opinon

[woopsydaisy]

Hi gizza yes its a really hard situation to be in.I think it was only natural to be a bit suspisious...you carnt just be ignorant to feelings you have inside...and because you was let down in the past you have all the more reason to tread carefully.And i know this is not a nice thing to say because every new person you meet should be given a clean slate...and i have been on the recieving end of not being trusted for no reasons and its not nice.

 

What she was saying could be true about the boss being away on business.Isnt there anyway you can ask around at work finding out if he really did go away?.If you dont find the truth about this you may never know and the choice is yours if you believe her or not.And yes it is bound to hurt her if you have been accusing her of things that didnt happen.If you were honest with her about your past she should understand that you may be a bit insecure and are wary of not getting hurt...if you said that you want forgiveness off her and your sorry thats all you can do.And if you dont find out if he was truly on business..then its going to be hard and your going to be questioning for a while.

 

All you can do is find out if you can wether if he was really away on business and hope that she forgives you.But one thing for sure is that you wont end up an lonely old man.

 

Sorry for not giving you more advice its all i can give im afraid just thease thoughts above,..good luck

[gizza]

thanks

i cant really find out any other way hes not based in the office full time so comes & goes as he pleases , without asking him outright its just down to gut instint , i believe theres something going on , it might not be full on as hes married ( i konw that means nothing really ) but even so she didnt tell me about this arrangement . I asked her why and she said because you would have got all hissy ! i mean even if i was'nt over the moon at least i would'nt have the dreadfull memory of driving round the corner and see his car , i mean can you imagine the shock & then the whole you cant come in thing !!

 

these other little incidents like when her car broke down & she came in with him , i asked how he knew where she lived , she went red & said he did'nt but picked her up at the shop ! i said immedaitly i was sorry for asking & she said she went red because she knew i would question her . I mean she s making out its all in my mind !!!!

 

thanks for the vote of confidence even though its from a stranger even hearing it makes a difference

[woopsydaisy]

Hi gizza......i hope it goes well and thanks for replying...funny question but have you decided what your going to do?

[gizza]

sorry what was a funny question ?

 

well all i can do its play it as cool as i can , ive no idea how its going to go , if i cant just let it wash over me or not , i appreciate your reply & will keep you posted if you like .

 

thanks again & let me know if there anything i can help you with !

[woopsydaisy]

sorry when i asked what was you going to do about it ..i presumed and i know its wrong to presume ....that you was going to let her go.Anyway well done for having the courage to hang on in there with her...and thanks for the offer and yes keep me posted if you would please.

 

good luck

[gizza]

if anything its getting harder ! i ve tried be cool , ive tried ignoring her , which is just about bearable . But its the times that thigs guy is around that really floors me . The other day i had to make an excuse to leave the building for 15mins just to calm down . It kinda worked but i saw her when i came back in , & she said where you been ? i could'nt help myself but said its that man i hate him when his with you i lose it ! she got all defensive and said this has got to stop . believe me i want it stop but its just raw emotions i cant turn them on & off . i have taken sometime off next week to try to distance myself from the situation but i know when i get back nothing would have changed. i just cant see a way around this , leave work would help in someways but any new job would suffer as i would feel pushed out & apart from all this **** its a good job & i have alot of friends there . I would have to cut off everything in case i heard from them something about her. I dont think that realistic , its just so tough . i feel like life is on hold and all i can do its take it day by day , but for how long aweek , amonth , 6 months etc its never gonna be really ok again . sorry to post on a downer but that the way it is, i am exhusted keeping my emotions under control eevry second , will there ever be a time iam truly relaxed ever again ? may sound dramatic but really thats how i see it ! thats it updated

 

i have read your posts & did say id keep you posted

 

Thanks

[woopsydaisy]

Hi man............dont worry about coming accross all down...its what your going through right and this is a good place to vent.Yeah its difficult and a tricky situation seeing that you see them at work..and it comes accross that you shouldnt leve work just for this situation alone.When you mentioned it to her before did she calm down on the contact with this guy.?..is she still seeing this guy out of work?.I can understand that she might see it as unreasonable if the only time she sees him when its at work and your still getting angry.

 

She seems like a tougth one this girl of yours, and shes standing her ground...and if she insists that they are just friends and they just get on well then maybe thats all it is.It would take a hell of a brave girl to have the courage to have some sort of affair with this guy right under your nose when you have questioned there relationship.Its hard for men at times as well when women want to be friends with other males.There is nothing wrong in this, and they dont see it as a problem, but for us males we know what men are like and how they work right>>>...but not all men are like this.

[gizza]

i'm not sure if the fact that there just friends really helps anymore , even if i was totally wrong , she decieved me about that anyway . If there not having an affair she has cleared the way for it to happen now . This guy is so seedy , i cant believe he would'nt given the chance .

 

yer see i think if she was having a fling she would keep it from me at all costs , so every denile is tempered by that thought . She would say that ! would'nt she . it just round & round in my head , all the possibles & what will happen if i keep to mad at work , surely one day it will all come out , which i know wont help anyone , least of all me . But its just dominating my life . Ive been doing a course at work and have an exam , ive done no work on it & will fail , stupid but i cant concertrate on anything else but her .......

 

i know its stupid & immature but i cant move on , even if i do find a way to make it work in my head all this has ruined the memory of a nice person & good relationship . If we'd have just split up becuase of other reasons i could have seen some logic. want different things , grown apart etc .....but this way is some seedy sales guy has turned her head , made me look stupid and i'm the one hurting while there just having there 'friendship' thing

 

i could talk all day , post all night ! it does help & i do look out for yer response , i know you cant change the situation but i do take head of your words & thank you for time & imput .

 

gizza

[woopsydaisy]

Hi ...and vent away im glad i can be of some comfort.i carny really understand fully what your going through but if i can help you in any way im glad to do it.It must be so hard with all the doubt in your mind, about the motives of both your partner and this sleazy guy.I couldnt stay in a relationship like that..it would be to much stress for me.But are you definetly sure that she wants more with this guy?..in a lot of womens mind they are nieve and they dont know what guys are like.But the thing is you have displayed how you feel about thease two...what are you going to do..cause the way your going if anything does happen its going to totally brake you.Ive been in a relationship when there wasnt no trust there and it eats away at the relationship over time...if no one makes a descion soon as to whats going to happen it carnt go on for long

[gizza]

i guess i really am at my wits end with this one , the relationship is pretty much over now anyway , shes been very clear that its nothing to do with him its just run its course. I want to move on i really do but theres still that demon inside of me saying theres something that just doesnt add up about all this , shes been very honest (if i believe her ) and has said that she doesnt want to cause me any pain , and that although she can understand why i flipped out over this there was never anything between them . She added that she would'nt put the burden on her 12 yo son , he comes into to work now & then and we talk football and stuff. I can see that would be a hard on the lad to keep secrets. Still its just the toughest emotional situation i ever had to deal with . She added i would meet someone else & she would as well in time & i would have to deal with that. it hurt to even think like that , i'd be happy just to get over this one at the moment . i told her i did believe her but would like some reassurance when this guys around , again she said there nothing new she can say , nothing ever happened! but would try to be consirate to my feelings . Thats it i just have to believe her , have to trust that she been telling the truth , except the relationship is dead & buried and concertrate on getting sanity back . I would still like some sort of divine moment when i have more than just her words to go , i mean everything she says could be a pack of lies & i dont suppose i will ever know 100% I do think sometimes that ive nothing wrong in any of this and life has away of sorting these things out . if only i could be sure ????

[woopsydaisy]

Hi gizza........im sorry it has worked out that way..and maybe she was telling the truth maybe she wasnt...and you may never know.But i would imagine it being hard on her son.The only way you will find out is by seeing if anything happens between them in the future..and i hope that doesnt happen for her sake.Maybe you and her after some time apart can reavaluate the situation..and give it a go..who knows.Its just sad it has worked out like this.But now at least you can concentrate on your own sanity..and healing yourself...relationships aye..are they worth it?

[gizza]

well just an update , she has pretty much convinced me nothing was ever going on now , but in a way that dont help , there was still the way it all was hidden from me , shes said she knew i would react badly to their friendship , but would have told me eventually , but that our relationship was coming to an end anyway . She added that we would both meet new people & propmtly told me that she already had . I must admit that even though i'm still jealous its easier to be jealous with someone i've never meet , shes been such a bitch though , saying it was never serous with us and it was just a friendship thing. Shes tried to be friends but i relly dont know how to call someone thats lied to me so much a friend .What really hurts now is seeing her all dolled up and meeting this new guy for lunch .....although in a way he has my sympathy as at this stage he no idea what a bitch she can be !

 

even though all this ,, when i see her i still fancy her , i really wish i did'nt ,we even had a laugh the other day about all this - this is why i still have feelings for her she can be fun !

 

i've told her how messed up this has made me & she seems to be in denile about her role in all this , saying - why ? what else has happened it cant just be this that has sent you crazy ...it is

 

now with new guy on the scene its just a case trying not to let this situation mess me anymore , what a bitch !

[woopsydaisy]

Hi gizza...she moves on quick!!.Yeah you have a right to be annoyed ..she should of been straight with you from the word go.Its a shame when people arnt like this , they just have to hide things only for stuff to come out in the future.Shes doing you a favour by moving on so quick..i know thats no consolation to you, but its better to know now than in a years time that she wasnt serious.It may of been some consolation for you to know that nothing was going on in the end with this guy..she did try to tell you..but it didnt help her hiding things, and only wound you up in the process.I suppose its just a case of you learning , and even though it sounds hard now im sure there are positives and things to be learnt from this situation.I hope you heal well..and she doesnt muck you around any more.

[gizza]

thanks for reading and replying , its funny now when i see her its almost like a bad dream that happened and i've still no real idea what went so wrong so quickly . Though all the little lies & mistruths its like its not easy to except she could have done that to me , now all this were just friends and it was'nt going anywhere stuff !

 

i wonder whether at some level she knows all this is rubbish and is jusitfing her behavoir that way . I know i'll move on now , i know it wont be easy and seeing her so much will always be tough but i would rather not have all this anger & jealousy to deal with ....it is subsiding slowly

 

i would like to keep you posted as it helps , although i never helped you with anything so please let me know what brought you here

 

gizza

[woopsydaisy]

Hi gizza..im glad that your finally can deal with what happened now as you had closure.Its got to be hard when you know that she lyed and what not to you..i would find it hard to ,keep her as a friend myself and completely trust her.But you now know what she is like and i know its not much of a consolation to you.As for me being on this forum ..well i dont know..i found this sight because i was finding it hard coming to terms with my own problems with a relationship.When i joined i had just finished with my ex..and again that was down to trust issues(read first post).To be honest im now only just over her..after five months and ive finally healed i think.Although she will never be gone completely from my mind.Anyway keep me posted by all means..its going to be hard ..but you can do it..and i dont want to sound corny but you can grow from this.