WHY GET BACK WITH THE EX?

[raider5]

This is the most interesting thing.

 

I've always thought that a soulmate is the only person in the world that is right for you.

 

Before we are in love we know there are probably tens of thousands of people who are right for us, that we can fall in love with. But after we fall in love we share something with a single person that we don't share with anyone else in the world: true love.

 

It is this reason that this person now becomes your soulmate. It is this reason that even if someone better in EVERY way came along you wouldn't leave the person you were with to be with this new guy/girl. Because the "better" prospect will never have what you have with your soulmate. They will never have your true love.

[raider5]

OK aobut this "meant to be"!

 

When your ex (mostly women, but men too) say something like this they either haven't thought things through or they mean something almost trivial. What does this mean!? Is everything predetermined? Should I be a fatalist?

 

I will not believe that babies dying young, the Holocaust, and many other horible things happening are just meant to be. It doesn't make sense, or if it does make sense, then I wonder sometimes what I did to deserve this pain. Every year people commit sucide because of broken hearts. Was that too "meant to be"? How aobut dying alone?

 

The people who talk in such worthless idealistic terms are usually those in relationships already--who want to believe that God brought them together with their mate, that it had to work out this way--or it's someone sympathetic to fatalism or someone who just hasn't thought things through. They don't want to believe that what's "meant to be" is completely within their power (our ex's attitudes in particular shocked&dismayed/Hoping&praying).

 

Every choice we make is half chance and life is just not fair.

[spatzcolumbo]

...haven't been on the site for a while now, but jsut saw this thread, and felt i wanted to post...but then i decided to just copy and paste Dikaia's post - it seems to fit how i feel about why i want my ex back pretty perfectly...

 

I've never felt more comfortable with someone like I do with my ex...

She's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and I would do anything to spend the rest of my life making her happy...

Unfortunately she's not ready for that...but maybe one day she will be and maybe i'll be lucky enough to be the one thats there when she does....

Simply put...I am amazed by her and everything she does, seeing her smile and making her laugh make me happier than I ever thought possible.

maybe thats why it's so hard to let go....

 

Cheers Dikaia!!!

[ziggystar]

Here's an extension to the question:

 

say supposing you do have a chance to get back with the ex? would you want it immediate and instantaneously or slow and bumpy?

 

the reason i'm asking is that, it seems that all of us here are going through some anguish and pain and if the ex came back instantaneously, it would for sure quell that anguish immediately, but for how long. i think the original issues that led to the breakup would still need to be ironed out and then there's the matter of regaining trust. eventhough slow and bumpy is wreaked with a painful process, i think that would be a more secure process. if you agree, then that leads to the question: are you up for that?

 

just trying to complete the necesary line of questioning we all have to face.

[DaisyB]

I like your questions, ziggystar. . .

 

Of course I would prefer instantaneous with no problems (who wouldn't?) but I can't see that as a realistic option. I don't see how it would be possible (at least for me) at this point. Even if my ex and I do end up back together, we'd have a lot of issues we'd have to work out (separately and together) before that happens. And after it happens, I can't see things being instantly wonderful just because we're dating again. We'd still be aware of our issues and problems, and be constantly working to improve ourselves and our relationship.

 

That's not to say that the relationship would be all work -- of course it would be fun again -- but I don't think getting back together equals instant good times. And I think that couples who get back together too quickly (without addressing the issues that broke them up in the first place) are destined to break up again.

 

So I guess I've signed up for slow and bumpy. Pretty unsettling ride, but the journey is worth it.

[Mix Maxster]

Why?

I feel it's because she's the very physical reality of my mental image of my perfect soul mate. Everything; mind, body and soul. Anyone can make me happy, but she makes me feel safe, happiest, loved, myself and more importantly, it's like me and her are the only people in this world and that even though we only knew each other for 4 years (gone out for 2) it's as if me and her grew up together because we know each other so well. I can feel her at all times, like I can tell where she is and how she is feeling. I can act on what she was thinking, even though she didn't say it. we were different enough to compliment each other and the story of how we came to be has been made jealous by all her friends. When they saw us together they felt we never would part. It's like me and her were destined to be together and as corny as that sounds, it's how I feel about it or else I wouldn't be taking this as easy as I have been. I feel that me and her can grow old together in happiness as we would do that that for each other. If I didn't love her so damn much I would have given up by now.

 

As for how quick I would want it? I wouldn't want it fast at all, afterall I would have the very least a lifetime of love with her, it wouldn't make sense to rush it or it would just as quickly fall apart. Slow and painful isn't the choice I would pick, as the relief of having my ex back would give me hope and I wouldn't want to lose her again all over again. That is why I would I would want to take thigns slow, as it can't be expected to be rushed as there are thigns to be worked on and nothing happens over night, however it has to start somewhere. I hope that answers your question.

 

I forgot to add that my post may be misread as it sounds like I haven't thought this over or I haven't felt the shock of it all or accepted that she may never come back. It looks that way but I have not looked at it this way. I have been through hell and back, really when she said she wanted to break up I knew it was over. Afterall she said she spent months at a time thinking about everything, so it's not like it was exactly rushed. Now I believe that she was having a hard time dealing with some of the bad things with me. So instead of addressing them, she allowed herself to dwell on these thoughts and then when something new came around she jumped on the chance. I found out about all of that and trust me it was enough to get me really emotional and I said a lot of stupid crap during the break up, but that's because I wasn't aware of anything. I'm young and all, but yet there's a reason why relationships with people who are a lot older than me don't work either. So with that knowledge I feel there's a good understanding as to why I would want her back and my feeling about "soul mate" now is a term used to find a real purpose to stay with someone instead of just commiting. Almost as if there's a checklist and a final "click" that will make the person think "ya they're my soul mate." when in reality that's a good reason to always look for someone else. Now I talked to the older members of my family and all of which agree with my view on soul mates, that it isn't so much that they're your soul mate as it's the person you feel and share so well that it's NEAR impossible to find someone else like that. Now that doesn't mean that you can never be happy with someone else, but it's so hard. Eventhough there's so many people out there, there's such a NOMINAL amount that will actually work and a next to nil chance of finding that "soul mate". So in reality when the ex says they're not sure they've found their one, they really may end up looking forever some are too afraid to ask to come back as they hear how bad they treated you during the break up and it would almost seem to them like you wouldn't consider it. It's a difficult thing relationships, they're confusing and very hard, usually one of the most challenging things in life. Looking for a perfect person is a dream for those who cannot settle with someone, no matter how great they really are, as it's not settling for second best as it is realizing that you're chasing a dream. Why continue looking when your perfect mate is already there? I can truly have anyone my heart desires, but I would pick my ex out of anyone.

[ziggystar]

I hope that answers your question.

 

it's a question to everyone out there as oppose to me looking for an answer. we all have to decide for ourselves. it's a question designed to inspire thought beyond the simple achievement of getting back an ex.

[shockeddismayed]

Good follow up question Ziggy...

 

My EX and I were talking about that last week. She was worried that I would never get over the hurt that this has caused... and that it would just lead to the same problems again.

 

I agreed that it was a big risk.... but then tried to remind her that there is going to be risk in EVERY new relationship. There is always risk when you lead with your heart. What makes it more noticeable with an EX, is that the feelings are already there... you already know what is at stake.

 

Then I followed up by telling her that after everything that happened, we "are still here". I hope she'll see that as a willingness to try together.

 

I'd take the slow and bumpy road.... I'd need the challenges in order to make sure that I am going to be able to get over our past... and I think I'd want to know that she isn't going to jump ship again at the first sign of trouble.

 

Even a second honeymoon phase will never last forever.

 

Mixmaster: That is a nice story about being soulmates... it is a nice way to look at things. I know there are people who don't see things that way, but I do believe that there are souls that just seem to click on a level that is a touch out of this world. Maybe it doesn't mean that they are the only ones "meant to be together", but it is certainly a nice idea to say that they could be.

 

My EXGF and I have had MANY experiences where we'd actually read each other's minds. Even a few since the breakup... I'm hoping these are having an impact on her.

[ziggystar]

another reason that i have for trying to get back with my ex is, that it was never officially a break up. that being said, the tether is thin at best. but there is a pattern of issues that have plagued my relationships in the past and unlike my past relationships that didn't have anything for me to hang onto and was very final, this one still has a chance. and it is worth working that chance as it will ultimately help me grow, whether or not, my ex and i ever do really get back together. and for me, the 'NC' rule is not an option. The 'NC' rule doesn't address the issues of interpersonal dynamics. meaning being able to handle yourself under duress (anxiety). anybody can go to the mountain and feel at peace, but the challenge is to be able to feel at peace in the thick of it. i'm not saying 'NC' isn't a good tool for some, but not in my case.

[ziggystar]

Oh The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Suess

 

sometimes it's the simplest things that makes much bigger sense.