LOST, BROKEN DOWN, DAM DO I NEED HELP!!!! PLEASE!!!!

[Bendogg04]

I don't know what to do. The most beatiful and wonderful I've ever girl known, who I had an extrememly close relationship with, told me she doesn't quite feel LOVE for me. I had always pictured us going to the next level, but she thinks our relationship is too close and that becoming an item would mess it all up. But me, I can barely breath after the long disscussion last night when she told me this info. I'm going to lose it!

 

 

I did everything and more for this girl! I sent her roses on valentine's day, we went to movies and did stuff for 8, count them, 8 consecutive weekends, I wrote 3 awesome poems on how wonderful she was and how she made me feel. She even stayed the night last nite since my parents were out of town! Hell, I gave up mastubation, which is still going strong after three months, because i felt that if i did masterbate, i wasn't worthy of someone so perfect. I also paid a guy at work 15 dollars to take my shift so that i could be with her one nite.

 

 

So, not being able to have this girl IS and will continue to tear me a part, an I have no clue what to do. Any advice would be great!

[sergio]

STOP BEING A NICE GUY MAN! you're too nice, that's you r fault...sounds twisted? well who said that life isn't ..this is the best pice of advice you can get. you did too much for her.

[jujigatame]

Although I disagree with Sergio's rude approach, I think he's got a point - girls don't like guys that fawn over them. This is a hard fact for many people to swallow, myself included. But it's something I've come to realize with experience.

 

For a lot of guys who crave intimacy and a truly close relationship (again, myself included), it's easy to be tempted to dive headlong into the great chase. All too often it goes like this: You pick your target, go to every expense to woo her, send her flowers, wine her, dine her, et cetera. She seems to enjoy it, but then, suddenly, you get rebuffed, left to wonder what you did wrong. There's no way you COULD have gone wrong, right? Isn't this what happens in the movies?

 

Isn't this what women SAY they want???

 

Now imagine this: A genie grants you a wish. You wish for what you've always dreampt of having. It's great, for all of a month or two. Then it gets hollow. There was no challenge in getting it, so what does it prove? It's meaningless. Now you have what you've always wanted, but where do you go from here? You wish you'd never met that genie.

 

Lottery winners, heirs to gigantic inheritances, lucky gamblers... Take a look at studies of this kind of person and you'll realize that the euphoria of their sudden windfall of wealth wears off very quickly, and comes to be replaced with a sense of hollowness, even major episodes of depression. They leave their friends, leave their job, and disappear from society. They've hit the ceiling by sheer luck - so what they really crave in life, the sense that they've actualized their inner potential and gotten such riches of their own determination and tenacity, can no longer be gained. It's the end of the road. Can you imagine how empty that must feel? Same story for love.

 

Too often, nice guys finish last. But that doesn't have to be the case. Learn how to keep being a nice guy while at the same time remaining challenging. At this early stage in the relationship, you need to remain somewhat elusive. Keep her guessing. This is easy to do: Work your shift. If she wants to go out, tell her she'll have to arrange another time. Take a guys' night out when you feel like it. And put her on hold if she comes up on call waiting! All there is to it is to still go about doing what you did while single, treating her as what she is - icing on the cake of your already perfectly-happy life. Girls love the feeling of not quite having control over you. That way, when you DO get her flowers, or take her out for a big fancy dinner, she knows it's meaningful. She knows she deserves to be with such a wonderful man. He didn't just fall out of a tree and beat her over the head with a bouquet of roses.

 

The bottom line is this: It really is the journey that counts, not the destination. Keep that in mind and it'll help your love life immensely.

 

Also, as for what you can do now...

 

A. The relationship is not over. She says she needs some space. I think she has every reason to request that. She can get a break from her pointless romance, and you can get a chance to convalesce from Nice Guy Syndrome.

 

B. Keep the little soldier close at hand, if you know what I mean. You're your own best lover... And your right hand can't ever leave you! Well, unless you operate heavy machinery or work as a backstage assistant for Siegfried and Roy - then it's possible.

[Destroyer516]

hey dude I know how you feel!!!! What you need to know is that you do not need to obsess over things like women till you are older, I had to learn that the VERY hard way. I know it feels great to do things like that for girls but just think about it!

[mr_ripley]

Let me just say that jujigatame's advice is pure solid gold. It's true, women simply do not want the perfect man, no matter how much they may talk about it. This is something I've only recently learned (and I'm 29 for Gawds sake ).

 

Make yourself less available to this girl. If you just let her do the chasing for a while I have a sneaky suspicion that this might just work out for you.

 

 

Best of luck.

 

-Tom

[reborn]

Hi there,

There is enough testosterone going on in this particular posting, so I thought I give you a girls perspective to balance things out a little.

First of all, I could tell you are totally crazy abou this girl. And from what you tell us, even though she says she is not "In love" with you she does seem to spend a heck of a lot of time with you and I believe for her you are an extremely important friend. I am sure she spends more time with you than with any other friend and greatly enjoys your company.

 

I don´t know how much this will help you, but I was once in the situation of that girl, and you in the situation of my ex boyfriend. Yes! I was not into him in that way and we did go from being friends, to best friends and yes he did win my heart over. Every situation is different, but here I am telling you that it can happen cause it did happen to me, or to him.

 

From the first time we met he went head over heels for me. I din´t realize how much he liked me at first. I guess he realized that i was out of his league or something (his thinking not mine) and that I was just a really friendly person not just to him but to everyone. In any case, point is that he just didn´t think there was any chance between us. And the truth is there wasn´t.

For a while he was my best friend. Though I liked him a lot as a person he just wasn´t my type, and at the beginning I didn´t even like his kisses. It all sounds so funny now. Actually i had the same arguments as your girl friend, and he was much like you. He thought I was perfect, a goodess or something.

Well, I will cut to the interesting stuff here. First of all don´t listen to those guys. Open your mind to a woman´s perspective

Women and man are very different. A way to a woman´s heart is really through the emotional intimacy you share with her. Before being lovers many people are friends first. It does happen. Sometimes you end up developing loving feelings for a guy you are really close to even if you don´t realise it.

This is how my ex won me over. First of all, he didn´t persue me like crazy, but he was my best friend and he was always there for me. I felt very special around him. Because he felt I was very special and this showed threw. He did write to me love letters, but actually never gave them to me until after we sort of started going out.

It was so friendly that at one point I would even introduce him to girls and stuff. Also I was dating someone else, and physicallly felt more attracted to him than to my ex. But emotionally I had to be honest with myself and I just felt really accepted and my self with my ex. And at the end that weighted a lot more. My ex knew that I was seeing this other guy. He didn´t say anything. He continued being my friend, though the poor thing was suffering, he just asked me not to talk about the other guy--which sometimes I did any way-not be insensitive just because my ex was at that time my best friend. At the end even that worked on his favour because I realized what an amazing friend he was to me even putting his own interest to the side at some point to be there for me. Again, this is was not good. But I couldn´t make my self have feelings for him when I wasn´t ready. It just sort of grows on you.

Well, turning point came when I started realizing that other girls noticed my ex. One of my friends actually hooked up with him one night. For him it was just a one night thing, cause he liked me--though he didn´t admit it at that point to my face yet--. Well my friend got obsessed with him. And I started thinking--what is it about him? there must be something there.

Yet still I was in my own turf. Then a friend of mine visited. He was really nice and took us both out, then I noticed her telling me how cute he was, and she wanted to hook up with him, even though she knew he was my special friend. And in my mind I was like well, if they hook up I don´t care but deep down I knew that if he hooked up with her I just wouldn´t be able to be with him after. It was not a posessiveness thing strictly but I noticed I was interested, and didn´t want to loose him to another girl.

At one point I was talking to him about another guy I liked and he just kissed me. I pushed him away and told him he was my friend and that I couldn´t have a relationship with my friend and ruin the friendship. But I just stayed hanging out with him anyway. Cause I really loved being with him, and really enjoyed his company. He later told me he kissed me that day cause he needed to stablish that he was more than a friend, so that I saw him as boyfriend material. To come out of the friend mode.

He didn´t push it that much after that. We jsut stayed friends. Sometimes I would warm up to him, sometimes I wouldn´t. This will drive him nuts, and make him desire me more. But I dind´t do it on purpose, it was just that my feelings were growing on him.

Then it got to the point where he couldn´t deal iwth it anymore and told me to forget it. Faced with the thought of loosing him for ever I realized that i did want to give it a try and be with him too. LIttle by little he had grown to be someone very special to me, indispensable in my life at the time. Not out of jealousy, but out of what he had become for me I would just not have been able to deal with not having him as special part of my life. I knew at that point that if he was to get a girlfriend he would not be spending this time with me or anything, and I wouldn´t be able to deal with that or not having him around in the way that he had been.

I don´t know if this makes sense to you or if this was helpful. I am not some horrible female and i didn´t set out to make my guy suffer on purpose.

But there is something as winning a girl over. Some girls are worth the effort. Feelings develop little by little. It takes time and effort. But sometimes it is really worth it. I won´t say don´t listen to her saying she is not in love with you, but it does sound to me that her actions show you are very special to her, by the amount of time she is spending with you. Perhaps there is a chance that once she realizes how desireable you are desierable to others and that she could loose you and being special to you for good she may let her feelings flow. It takes time and persevarance from your part.

Also don´t overwhelm her or make her feel pushed or guilty. Just persistance, patience, will help you at this time. YOu may have to play a little bit the martyr-sorry, but this is how it works. It is up to you if she is worth it.

I would suggest you stop the poems and flower sending for now. That may push her, or make things too unbalanced now. But do give her the speacial attengion as far as when you are together. Don´t tell her your feelings, just let her know in how you treat her that you think the world of her. She probably will notice the difference with other guys. Also don´t over play the competition of other girls stuff. But if other girls do like you and want to go out with you and she could find out about this it will denefetly help you out. Let her know and see that you are desireable to others.

One more thing, nobody is perfect. I always used to tell this to my ex when he was in that point you are in now. You may think she is perfect but she isn´t. People that are as raptured as you about someone else often find this out as they get involved in a realtionship with the person of their dream. At one point sometimes early on, sometimes later on they do realize there is a tarnish to that what they thought was perfect gold.

Relationships are about ordinary people being with and loving with ordinary people. Try to keep that in mind to get some perspective on your infatuated state.

Good luck to you and enjoy. No matter wether it feels she loves you or not, what you are experiencing is a high. A natural high. A high of the heart.

Good luck and hope this really long posting helped some.Writing it certainly brought back some beautiful memories for me. Thank you for reading this far.

-Reborn