He has me baffled and numb...

[AnotherChick]

I've been dating this guy for 15 months. The first 11 were not good. I was in a bad place because I had just got out of a long term relationship. He was a commitment phobe. In his 30's, never been in love, ADAMENT he loves his space. Since I had somehow forgotten to speak up for myself, he managed to walk all over me. I finally had enough, and said "get lost". It sucked because I still cared for him. I cried. A lot. Then something happened, he came back to me after a month (3 of those weeks I implemented the no contact rule) and said he realizes he was a jerk. Poured his heart out to me about how he needed to change things and I had every right to be angry. I agreed. Told him I don't hate him, and appreciated the heartfelt apology, and thanks. He said he wanted to try and be friends. Hang out on neutral ground. I told him I would reluctantly try it. I did. It failed. I can't be friends with someone I want more out of, knowing all the while I'll NEVER get it. So, on the second outting, I made it clear this was NOT going to work. I tried. Thanks for making the effort, but I have to move on. After a long, heart felt, apology coupled with some slight begging, he said I deserved a man who made me feel like I mattered and he wanted to try and be that man. I reluctantly said, I'll try. I was clear, my trust was blown, so he wasn't in a good position, but that I did care for him and that was all he had on his side.

 

Believe it or not, things were going well for the following 2 mos. But we were never getting to the love thing. You can just tell when that doesn't feel like it's ever going to happen. But, given everything, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured, our biggest problem has been communication, so I'll bring it up. I did. The convo went well. He pretty much said, "yes, this seems slow. But the pace seems to be ours and that's ok" Great Answer! He waited a few min, then said "Just so you know. You've always said you never want kids. I've said that too, but I'm deciding that in the next 2 years I want to have kids". But he added something about the fact that two people don't need to stay together for the kids, and that people can raise children on their own. It was like a train wreck. I would have preferred a kick to the chest. I'm glad he decided to address this with me, but now I'm left with the ultimatum "Stay with him, and have kids in a loveless relationship. Or Spin my wheels until he, or I finds something better to come along"

 

Great! I've posted a couple of things abou this guy and this situation. I really have never posted the whole story. I'm still processing slowly. My heart broke in someways, in others, given our past, I'm just tired and worn out.

I've tried to understand his possible motives:

1) He wants to scare me away

2) He has feelings, but doesn't want to get them stepped on so he trying to understand to what level of commitment I'm willing to get involved with.

3) He's just that selfish, that he is fixated on his biological clock and could give a damn about the innocent bystander who will carry his child.

4) He just wanted to get that on the table, but didn't think how horrible off the timing was.

 

I guess I'm not just asking for an answer, but a miracle. Someone one with a crystal ball to come and tell me if it's worth it. If he's the one. If I'm really an idot and should see the answer.

[kate111]

It does sound to me like he has commitment problems. Or he could be selfish.

 

It annoys me that when you break it off with him because you are not getting what you need he runs after you trying to get you back, but clearly without thinking about whether he really wants you or not.

 

If I dumped someone I would make sure I really felt strongly for them before I got back together because I wouldn't want to put them through the whole dumping thing again.

 

It sounds like he is still unsure. The comment about kids shows that he can't really commit to becoming a family even though he might want kids. That doesn't sound good.

 

After 15months and he still hasn't said "i love you". This spells warning bells for me too.

 

What exactly HAS changed since you got back together?

 

I think you need to discuss with him a few things about YOURSELF. Tell him what you want out of a relationship. Don't be embarressed if you want kids and a picket fence just be confident in your ideals and dreams.

 

Instead of keeping things at his pace, make a few demands of your own.

[AnotherChick]

Thank you so much for your response. Your statements are echoing a lot of stuff running through my mind too. I hear you on the part about making my own demands. I'm there. I really just feel like I should do that because I'm not concerned about it making things more difficult between us or even if I scare him off.

 

The stuff that has changed. To put it briefly, he has been calling me and he wouldn't do that before. He makes time for me on the weekends and during the week when he can without making it sound like a drain on his time. He actually talks with me. Not at me. That was a big change that I figured he just didn't have in him. So, to his benefit, he's made some strides. However, maybe it's just not enough to make "us" work.

 

I'm addressing whether this has a future. I'll come to a conclusion fairly soon. I'm not one to let things lie too long. The only problem is that for some reason I care for him.

 

Thank you again for the advice.