Why won't he answer my question?

[lil_mamarains13]

Yesterday my boyfriend called me finally. It has been a week. I had sent him a letter that he received and read. I ask him where I stand with him, and the only thing he would tell me is he is chilling out. I kept asking him different questions like what does that mean, do you know what you want, etc., and he just kept saying I am chilling out. I don't understand why he won't just answer my questions. He eventually just hung up on me after telling me he is going to hang up so don't get mad. Why won't he just tell me where I stand?

[Scout]

He is telling you exactly where you stand. You don't see that?? Come on, the guy refuses to engage in an adult, honest conversation with you, and finally hung up on you when you kept persisting. This is not a guy with the skills needed for a healthy relationship based on communication and honesty. Move on, and find someone more mature and worthy.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I am sorry he's doing this to you. It sounds to me like he is just taking a break right now from commitment. He may have gotten too close to you and got scared of being vulnerable.... maybe one of his friends said something, who knows..... it happens all the time, unfortunately. In my experience, men hate it when a woman has any kind of control over their feelings - i.e. falling in love, and some guys resent the woman for that and react in different ways. Some become violent, some withdraw from everyone and you, and some just bail out completely and start being a jerk. Still others are more mature and can manage those feelings better than the other guys, and they look at the whole situation as a choice and not as something they "have to do"... i.e. "I'm stuck with this girl and I can never have anybody else now".... instead of thinking, "I love this girl and I don't want anybody else right now". Know what I mean? Sometimes they don't trust the feelings of love they have because they dont' recognize it, they've never had to deal with it, etc. It is very, very difficult to speculate on this guy, after all, you know him and we don't. Use the knowledge that you have gained about him in the past and make a general assumption from that, and, really right now that's about all you can do. If he has been honest with you in the past he is probably being honest now. It sounds like he just wants to mess around and be a single guy for awhile with no strings.... I know that really hurts to hear but if you try to look at the whole thing from a different perspective it might help you learn something about him and yourself. Don't take it personally, or it's going to eat you alive..... I know this is easier said than done. Again, it's difficult to know what this guy is thinking but most guys, in my experience, it's pretty much what you see is what you get so right now I don't think analyzing it too much is going to yield anything. You can always say, "it could be this, or it could be that," but only he knows what he's thinking and if he's not willing to share any more than that right now, the best you can do is just tell him how you feel in a non threatening manner, like you did hopefully, in the letter, and then just respect his wishes. Try the no contact rule for awhile and see if that helps. If you still don't hear anything, I'd say it would be in your best interest to move on and find someone who is thinking on the same level as you, about relationships. Hope I've helped some. I know that nothing really helps much right now except the phone ringing and it being him....Hang in there girl.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

He sounds like he has some hidden anger he is dealing with. It could be anything. it could have to do with you, or it might have to do with something he is unhappy with and going through. I don't like the part about hanging up on you, I think that is pretty rude. To tell you he is chilling out, is his way of telling you he needs some space. I was never sure exactly what space really meant. But it seems to lead to many differences that were not able to be worked out. I think people just sometimes for whatever reason need that space to work things out for themselves. You have went a week already, I suggest you give it some additional time. If you really care for the person, what really do you have to lose. If you press the issue, he will run. He told you what he was doing chilling, so do what he is doing and chill. And that may not mean with him.

 

Good luck

 

Kuhl

8)

[Athena]

Hi,

My experience with people who don't answer questions with straightforward answers is that they are not comfortable saying what they really think. They are assuming it will cause you to be angry or sad, or it will cause them to feel vulnerable.

 

No one hesitates when it comes to saying something happy and joyous to all involved. I suspect he knows what you want to hear and cannot give you those answers so, isn't, but, in fact, by not answering, he IS answering. When you feel doubt or unsureness about something, there really is no doubt.

 

Often times there is more value in what people DON'T say, than it what they do.

 

-A

[laurag78]

I think he is being an ass (pardon my french) by not being up front with you about his feelings. You have 2 options, you can let him chill, until he decides what he wants or you can move on. How long have you guys been in a relationship?

 

I honeslty think that if guys could just be open and honest about what's going on in their little heads, we would all be happier. It's really confusing when they just leave you in the air. It's not fair to you and from what it sounds like he is just avoiding you completely and maybe he's just afraid to hurt you by telling you upfront, so he's acting cold and distant until you get the picture on your own. Little does he know, he's making you feel worse and he's wasting your time. You need to talk to him and set him straight, that you are not made of glass and that you aren't going to break, he's not the last fish in the sea and that' you don't want to waste your time or his. You want the truth, so u know what you have to do. Best bet, move on, he's probably not even worth it. Good luck girl.

[lil_mamarains13]

Thank you for all the replies. I guess all I can do now is just sit back and wait. I have not made any contact with him since I sent the letter. I have left all the contacting up to him. I think he made need some time to sort his feelings and get his life back together. Not much I can do about it because I can't ignore the feelings I have for him. Maybe if I stop asking questions one day he will answer my questions when he is ready.

[tiger_lilies]

He sounds really immature for hanging up on you and not answering your questions. He's not ready for a relationship. He obviously doesn't know how to communicate and that's what is really important if the relationship has any chance of working.

 

Drop him like a hot potato. It's easier said than done, but honestly, you don't want to be with someone who can't communciate or is afraid to. It will only lead to disaster and lots of heartache.

[lilazngal]

Yes, I agree with Laura. I think he's actually playing some sort of control game because he has you in this position of *wondering* what's going on and leaving you completely vulnerable because instead of being straight forward with you he's just being vague, taking his time to respond, etc. etc.

 

Of course everyone needs time and space to think, but if someone does care they should be able to be straightforward enough to let you know where you stand. Someone who really cares and isnt afraid, will be able to do that. He sounds like a little boy, playing games.

[Scout]

Athena, I couldn't have said it any better. That was a really good post.

[lil_mamarains13]

I can't just leave him and act like I don't love him or want to be with him. If I do I will wonder always what if it was just a phase he was going through to better himself, and didn't know how to deal with me at the time, and other things like that. I just have to wait to see if he comes out of this one day I guess. I told me he was going to hang up because I kept asking him that same question. OH well I guess it was my own fault. I am to self destructive for my own good.

[lilazngal]

most people post because they intuitively know that something is wrong. if things were smooth, there wouldnt be a need to post, right?

so his hesitation, as mentioned by others and as you probably have figured out right now a signal that things arent OK. but the key is for you to get that off your mind, dont blame yourself. keep yourself busy and just see what happens. good luck.

[laurag78]

Do not put the blame on yourself, that's exactly what he wants. He doesn't want the blame to go to him. I understand that you love him and that you are afraid of "the what if", but you know what if he really loves you, then he will come back to you when he's ready, but you can't wait around waiting for that to happen. Move on, maybe after he knows that you have moved on, he will realize what he has lost. Give yourself some good worth, and he will see it too. Life is too short to waste time, you could be missing out on finding something better. Never settle for less.