Boyfriends sorta jealous of gay friend

[r_u_happee]

I recently got back from a long trip away from my friends and family. Im planning on having people to my hosue friday, just as like.. hey im home we can all hang out sorta thing. One of my friends cant come.. so he asked if i could hang out satudrday afternoon.. i wasnt asking my boyfriend permission to do so.. but i asked if it would bother him, he said he couldnt stop me... but that it would probably bother him. My friend is gay, and nothing would ever happen between us.. i told my boy that, and he knows that.. but he still said it sorta bothers him..or worries him... is therer anything that i could do to make him reassured that there is nothing to be worried about?

[Mar]

Quite honestly, no, I don't think so......I'm not sure what it is about men, but the fact that they're even threatened by a GAY man is sometimes amazing to me. Obviously you're not going to cheat on your guy with your gay friend, so that problem is solved. If he's worried about all the stories you hear about girls being close to their gay friends because they're so easy to talk to (and yes, they are!) then that's something he'll just have to deal with.

 

I think it's just that primal "she's hanging out with another guy" thing that bothers him the most, or the fact that he's not comfortable with the idea of gay men in general. That's not your concern; he wouldn't have a problem with you hanging out with a girlfriend, would he? Well, this is a neutered girlfriend, of sorts.....(no offense to any gays out there, it was just a simple way of putting it......lol)

 

Just reassure him that this guy is only a friend, is most assuredly gay, and that he can relax.......the only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to hang out with him like you would any of your girlfriends, with about as much potential action! If he's still threatened, well......you can't change his beliefs on sexuality, so you'll have to figure out with him if this is going to be a future problem, if this is someone you hang out with somewhat often.

Mar

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

Hey

 

Well it's not his fault for being insecure, he's letting you do it so he's not just being selfish. Major chances are that he just feels a lot for you and that he doesn't want to loose you because of whatever he feels for you and that's why. When you like someone heaps, the thought of loosing them is overwhelming.

 

Any guy you get close to he'll feel jealous, its natural. And when you say "nothing will ever happen to us" you'll never know and a lotta things happen when they least expected to.

 

You can reassure him, tell him what you feel. When you're with the other guy, call him out or something and talk to him infront of the gay dude like you're totally into him and that he shouldn't worry about things etc etc.

 

Heb

[vitalcoaching]

I mean, don't attack your bf on that but take a special moment together to go deeper in it and find a real answer to your question.

 

It's true, his reaction is primal. It is an instinctual response he does not really control. I believe he can look at it from another angle.

 

Here is what you can do:

 

tell him something like: "I would like us to grow together and understand what is happening here. I need freedom and I want you to 100% trust me with that. Let's take a moment on Thursday to have a chat about it..."

 

If he aggrees, fix a moment, not more than 30 minutes. Open a bottle of red wine and simply aggree together to talk about this specific topic for just this given time. Whatever result or conclusion you reach after 30 minutes, simply leave it for that. Don't prolong it. Shft space and go do something else. If you need to come back to this topic, do it one week later by fixing another "forum time". Don't talk about it again in between, simply give it a rest and let it be processed.

 

Creating space to talk about this is essential for you to express what you feel. It's an opportuity to grow together. It's a forum space just for the two of you which gives you the occasion to talk about this and express your feelings.

 

Jealousy and control are relationship killers. If you you let it happen even once you set up a pattern which is self destructive for your couple. On the long term, it simply kills you.

 

The alternative is to find straight away a way of growing beyond that. Dialogue and open communication is the solution.

 

Create this "forum space" for the two of you and tell him what you feel. It could sound like: "Look, I am faithful to you and I don't want to hurt you but I can't let go of this good friend. It matters to me and I need this in my life. I need you to support my friendships and encourage me in that. Feeling your resistance creates something between us that I don't like. I want to find a way of handling this now. I am sure we can do better..."

 

Your partner obviously cares for you. Now what would he do for someone he cares for? Wouldn't he support that person and be a complice in all aspects of her happiness.

 

His emotional reaction does not match his real wish for you.

 

This is not an ideal dreamy and unreal wish. I fell truly that in this simple challenge, you can bring your relationship to the next octave.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Good luck

 

Francisco

 

PS: if you want extra support or simply want to share, feel free to contact me directly email removed

[guitargirl]

try inviting both of them to hang out sometime altogether...it may help!

[gogol]

maybe he's more botherd that you're going to visit your friend and not him. I'm putting myself in your bf's shoes. If my girlfriend was out on a trip for a while, I'd miss her like crazy! And it would hurt that she'd visit a friend before she'd visit me. Even if he comes to this party, he still probably misses you. Maybe he feels that you're not paying enough attention to him. Either that or he feels that you didn't miss him all that much, which hurts.

 

 

I didn't read all the posts, so sorry if someone said this already.