Well, my hubby is up to it again with the porn and lying

[alilbitworried]

Hi, well I posted before about my husband looking at porn but we asked about it he lies right to my face. This happened again last night, I seen that there was some nasty porn website in his computer history and I asked him and he just flat out lied to my face!

 

Well, the next thing you know he won't talk to me and yells at me when I try to bring it up! What is his deal? Is he doing more than just looking at it? I am not at all a bad looking girl, and I just don't see why he thinks he has to look at this smut when he has me at home.

 

I have never cheated on him and I am just wondering if I am going to have to go look at some male porn just to see how it makes him feel. Is this the right thing to do?

 

He and I sat down the other day and talked about it and I thought we had a great undestanding, he gave me his password to his computer and everything, he told me to check up on him. But know it seems he was just sitting there and letting it go in one ear and out the other! I need some serious HELP, I don't know how much more I can deal with, its got this bad!

[Happy_Go_Lucky_Heb]

You have every right to be worried. It's arguable wether this stuff is considered cheating and I have seen this topic arise plenty of times before.

 

My best bet is to talk 2 him about it, calmly. I have a feeling this isn't going to work as boys will be boys and they need their porn.

 

I suppose you can try to get used to it because seriously, there's not a lot you can do unless you want to improve your sex life with him. However, there's a chance that he's just not "sexually attracted" into you anymore.

 

Either way, talk first.

 

Heb

[buffalosoldier]

Hello alilbitworried,

 

I think you need to have another discussion with him about this. Like heb said, it is arguable whether this is considered cheating or not, but either way, it is obviously upsetting you so maybe that is not the issue.-If it is upsetting you then you both need to find a happy medium.There is *no* point in pretending you are ok with something in the relationship if you are clearly not. From experiance i have learned that this only causes resentment, and he will end up thinking you are fine with everything when you are not.

 

I know how frustrating this must be for you, i have been there myself. I mean is it the fact that he is looking at porn or just the fact that he is lying?- i know when it affected me it was because i was a little jealous but also because the bf i was with at the time made out like he wasnt interested in it at all and then i would see things that suggested otherwise.-highly annoying. But anyway, please dont feel inadequate, alot of men do it,but that is no excuse for the way it makes you feel.if it hurts it hurts. So please talk to him again,you could do the male porn thing but it may be better to just be honest and plus you may not get the reaction you are looking for.

 

One positive thing that you can gain from this is that he is not physically cheating on you, and im sure he is with you out of his love for you. But i understand your situation so please tell him again.

 

I wish you luck

[iabu_com]

You're checking his computer?

...no real man supports lack of freedom. A relation should be based on understanding and compatibility. Each one should feel confortable and relaxed in a relation.

 

If you found porn in history, that could be from unwanted popup pages. Doesn't necessary mean that he wanted to browse those pages.

 

If he looks for porn, he could be frustrated by his current sex life. Maybe he wants something you don't do. If he can't go over the frustration with virtual porn and you don't let him view porn or provide other compensation, he will probably find other ways - cheating.

[Rangoo]

Why are u checking up on him....? What is so wrong at lookin at porn. I have said before, I have done it in the past because it is a lot better then cheating on your spouse. Why is he lying....he is embarrassed at having been caught. There is something else going on, you say that he has you at home, but how is the sex life. Is he happy R U happy.... Just because you are happy with the sex life maybe he is not.....It's time that you sit down with him and talk to him about everything but the porn and find out what is realing going on....The porn will just make him go into a defensive mode. Good Luck. 0X

[sisterlynch]

He is behaving like a child and he needs to face up to the harm that it is causing you. You dont deserve to be treated like this, he is basically laughing at you by doing this. You need to shock him somehow, to help break the cycle--this is abuse, emotional, verbal abuse. Or get ready for the abuse to continue if you do nothing. Seek out advice, don't expect him to change on his own.

 

Actions speak louder than words.

[CandleInTheWind]

Your husband lying to your face is NOT good.... however.....I don't think him simply looking at porn is a sign of cheating. He's looking instead of doing.....

 

I think he's really embarrassed that he looks at it (which I think is a good/healthy sign). This could explain the lying- but it still doesn't make the lying right.

 

All I can say is I used to get mad at my husband for looking at porn. I did everything from search for it and destroy it....to taping over it with Disney movies.... (hehe) It used to make me jealous and insecure that he looked at it.

 

Then I tried another approach.... I asked him what he gets out of it...... he said most of the time it's just a source of humor or amusement....a chance to get to see things that "he'd never do"..... if you've ever seen porn you'll know how incredibly corney and outrageous it can get. Men are just visual and curious sometimes. I would be more concerned if what he was looking at had violent or criminal undertones (i.e. porn that hints at rape, or at underaged girls) But if it is relatively "normal" sex acts.... I don't think you should worry too much....again I think the lying is the real problem here....not the porn itself.

 

Anyways in my case I noticed that once I stopped pestering my husband about it and trying to control him, he didn't lie to me about it anymore.... Sometimes my husband will be on the internet with me in the room and he'll go to adult sites, I don't say anything about it anymore. You have to try to keep the lines of communication open so that he doesn't feel like he needs to lie. If you make it taboo it is just all the more attractive to him.... he'll want to view it even more.

 

There is also some porn that is tasteful....(rare, but it does exist). Maybe the 2 of you can watch it together.... or if you want revenge maybe you should view some porn of your own and see how he likes it. It might get him to better understand your feelings. However you go about it- you have to keep communication open at all times. Good luck!

[Jimeee]

I started looking at porn because my wife told me she didn't ever want sex again after our second child was born. It was very difficult to deal with and even though she's over it now, my difficulties still continue. She has occasionally done things that really help, but she isn't consistant, and that frustrates me.

 

I did discover, hovever, dispite her denial, that if I just stay naked around the house, she gives me more attention (meaning some, as opposed to generally none). On thing that I really enjoy, and helps tremendously, is to just lie naked in bed and let her caress and rub me. Even if she avoids my penis I enjoy it, but when she treats my penis like the rest of my body I enjoy it the best. Note that these intimate moments don't unually lead to sex, just to a relaxed body, and feeling that our relationship is really something special. And, yes I try to return the favor, but unfortunately I often get too vigorous and she tells me to stop.

 

I would really like her to regularly approch me nude when I'm at the computer (no porn now, but I still like to look at nude art, which really doesn't turn me on) and give my upper body a massage and other attention. When she has done this before, I was very responsive, and we had some very intimate sex. As you might guess we still have some communication problems after 30 years of marriage. And, while I've explained this several times, she just doesn't seem to understand how importand body communication is to a man.

 

A woman seems happy when a man says that he loves her. But men need to physically feel love. I think that's why it's become so common for unmarried people to have sex. Men aren't very responsive to "I love you" and might even have doubts about what that means. And women aren't taught the art of physical communication without sex, which I think was more common when families were dependent on each other. And, men aren't taught the nature of non-sexual intimacy. So it appears that the only way to get to a man's heart is with sex.

 

As pointed out above, the porn references you've seen might be innocent spam or unwanted popups. It might also be as you suspect. I disagree with the person that said that you shouldn't be looking at his computer tracks. You should be interested in everything he does. Not to check up on him, but to understand him, and to join him when appropiate. His willingness for you to do this shows that he trust you, and perhaps that he needs your help but can't ask for it (if he really is lieing).

[alilbitworried]

Thanks to some of you with the kind advice, and to others I don't want to be jumped on for what I do or believe.

 

Our sex life is great, I asked him about that and he said that he could not want any better. I am happy with it, but he explained that it is something that he has been doing since he was like 14,and that it was hard to stop. That sounds like an addiction to me. I have read that a lot of women feel the same way I do, we don't have to sit around and oogle over porn. I am plenty happy with just my husband and he says that he loves me more than life. So I don't know what is going on.

 

He also says that is a way to learn new things, and frankly I don't know what else that we could learn. Thanks again for the advice. But I guess the best thing for me to do is, let it go, screw it, nothing is going to change. I will just have to find myself an outlet.

[Xandra]

A relation should be based on understanding and compatibility. Each one should feel confortable and relaxed in a relation.

 

If he can't go over the frustration with virtual porn and you don't let him view porn or provide other compensation, he will probably find other ways - cheating.

 

You've basically contradicted everything you've said. If a relationship is based on understanding, then a man who truly cares for his woman will understand that she's not into certain things sexually. As long as she's willing to discuss it and is open-minded to things, what's the problem? I'm tired of men using infidelity as an explanation for not getting the kind of sex that they want. Most men know what they like, if the woman isn't sexually adventurous in the beginning or shortly after, she probably isn't on the same page sexually. Just GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP if it doesn't meet your standards and expectations. Blaming your partener for infidelity because they won't consent to kinky sex is cowardly and immature. Cheating is so destructive.

[alilbitworried]

I AM NOT SAYING AT ALL THAT I WANT TO CHEAT!!! I AM TALKING ABOUT FINDING MYSELF AN OUTLET!! I AM NOT THAT LOW!!

[sisterlynch]

maybe he could cut back on it a little just to make you happy sort of...

 

I think that you should look at the porn with him, just to make sure that it isn't too weird or anything. There are always ways of improving -- even the best sex life, isn't there??

 

Does he down load the porn or just look at it? Also try to get a measure for how often he does it and for how long. If it is just five or ten minutes here or there -- it is a lot different than if it were three or four hours, everynight, right?? Are there children home when he is doing it??

 

Maybe you two could plan some alone time to make up for the porn time, sort of a tit for a tat. Or charge him in some way, buy yourself a new outfit every hour that he spends looking at babes. Do you ever order games or toys that the two of you could play together? New stockings or high heels??

[alilbitworried]

hi, yes there are children in the home. No, he doesn't download it. I don't have any idea how long and how often he looks at it, I just know when I go to the store or out anywhere else, he hops on the computer and starts looking at it.

 

When I return he shuts the computer down.....so he doesn't look at it when I am home, just only while I am out, or in the shower. I just think that I am not the only one that should have to change things around here, he does too.

[April458]

Im in the same boat but my husband does it in fron of me and doesnt care how i feel. Our sex life is excellent and he cant say that we never try new things. We have gone to swinger parties and i have (since im BI) let him receive oral from a girl i was playing with at the time. So nothing he sees on them porn we havent done or seen live b4. I feel porn can become an addiction just like drugs. My hubby is addicted. He said it is a necessary need he gets off periodically during the day. Even if we have really good sex b4 i go 2 work he needs it an hour later again..so he "wacks off". It's not the video's that bother me it's the live cams he sees on the internet. He C2C with people and i hate the fact he's havin that 1 on 1 intimate experience with others. Do u know how many people have seen my naked hubby on cam. I dont like the fact of him chatting with other women and them doing what he asks to get him off. I cant be here 24-7..we have 2 girls 4yrs and 9mo and for them to not be able to walk in the dining room cause daddy is on the comp with some naked cam lady..thats disrespectful 2 me and them! Porn is ok when shared with ur mate but doing things that they feel disrespectful, can cause alot of trouble in your relationship. There is a limit and if u cant respect the others wishes than thats y i call it an addiction.