First time poster, a month in. Struggling badly still

[matador1972]

I split with my wife of 16 years (been together 17 and a half years), 4 weeks ago today.

 

We split 3 and a half years ago and got back together, when she told me she still loved me it was the most amazing thing ive experienced, like a hollywood movie.

 

Rewind 4 weeks and the talk went exactly the same "im not happy", we had just moved a few months before into our dream house which im now in alone with my kids (my eldest is 15 and wont stay over at her mums, my youngest 13).

 

She said at the time we dont have things in common (we do), and that she was under appreciated (she was). I dont blame her for the breakup, i blame myself for not being a better husband. My youngest daughter is very trying and put a huge strain on us all the time.

 

Anyway, the first few weeks were terrible, she has rented a flat for 6 months which is a pretty clear indication that there wont be any quick reversal, im still desperately in love with her and finding it hard to stop that.

 

Im still running around after her like a complete loser, she was going to a concert tonight and i took her and her pal up, i sat and waited in the house for her to say if she wanted picked up too, but she is going out for a drink. The last couple of nights when dropping off my daughter she has came in for a glass of wine and a chat, i keep inviting her to do things, and its almost like i cant stop myself, we are going out for dinner on Thursday.

 

I dont know if she knows what she wants yet, or if she dosent want to tell me its definetely over for good this time, and i dont want to force the issue, but in a lot of ways it would be good to know if it is completely over as i feel i cant move on until i do.

 

Im really struggling tonight, i was excited about seeing her, and as always, just feel deflated afterwards.

[coolchick64]

Sorry to hear about all of this. I think in a long marriage like that, it's a little hard to claim you don't have anything in common (!) I suspect there's something else to this situation that she either can't or won't express.

 

I have two suggestions for you. One is that you get into marriage counseling with her so you can both get to the bottom of what's really going on. I don't care if she's moved out. She should be willing to do that much. You've got kids. You're married. This is serious.

 

Second, it sounds like you've fallen into the trap of being too submissive. As the man in this relationship, you need to be strong and in control. It's gonna make you feel better. It's gonna make her more attracted to you. You should read David Deida's books on the male-female dynamic. It might really help you. There's no reason you can't keep trying here, but if you make yourself seem weak while you're doing it, you're only undermining yourself.

 

Hope this helps!

[matador1972]

Thanks for the advice, i suggested councelling the day it happened and she wasnt prepared to do it.

 

Its hard, she has said that she still does love me (a couple of weeks back) and the day she moved out i said something about her not having to and she said she nearly didnt, i sometimes feel i can see that she would just love for it all be over, but she is so strong willed (she's a psychotherapist) that she feels she has to see it through.

 

I dont know if its a massive test for me to do more around the house, and have a better relationship with my daughter, but at the same time, my eldest wont stay at hers, so she is damaging her own relationship with her.

 

I will check out that book though, thanks for that, I know that i am being submissive and feel completely powerless at the moment, its horrible tonight knowing she is out on the town, we have been together since we were about 20, had kids early, she's 40 in 6 months, so i dont know if that has anything to do with it.

 

Some of my friends and family say its happened once before, i should cut her off and let her go, but i feel we have too much going for us to do that but at the same time im just setting myself up for a massive fall by not letting go of her either, she's always willing to do stuff, spend time with me, but again i dont know for whose benefit this is, i love seeing her but hate seeing her go.

[atelis]

why not be honest with her and yourself by telling her what you are scared of? It sounds to me like you are scared of real intimacy so you've kept her at arms length in your marriage? Now that she has pulled away, your own abandonment fear has kicked in and suddenly you have dropped all your own boundaries.

[matador1972]

why not be honest with her and yourself by telling her what you are scared of? It sounds to me like you are scared of real intimacy so you've kept her at arms length in your marriage? Now that she has pulled away, your own abandonment fear has kicked in and suddenly you have dropped all your own boundaries.

 

No, thats not it all all, i am a very loving and close person, i gave her everything i had, but i let myself down on practical things like cleaning around the house and not appreciating her.

[coolchick64]

she's 40 in 6 months, so i dont know if that has anything to do with it.

 

Yeah, that could have a lot to do with it. I'm surprised she hasn't been better able to communicate with you, being a therapist herself and all, but it can be hard to see your own situation for what it is, even if you have all the right tools. I'd take the initiative of finding a marriage counselor, make an appointment, and ask her to come along with you. If the time doesn't work for her, you can always change the time.

 

In the meantime, I wouldn't be thinking along the lines of what you might be able to do better around the house. Again, I think that's going to come off as too submissive. I may be projecting some stuff here, but your relationship reminds me a little of my marriage, so . . . I'd just be careful about seeming like too much of a pleaser. But definitely don't give up. No reason to cut her off at this point.

 

Best of luck to you!!

[matador1972]

Well, ive sent her an email asking her to come along with me to marriage councelling, saying it would be beneficial regardless of whether we get back together or not.

 

Ill see what she says, i dont imagine she will say yes, my problem is im reading into every single situation. Last night when i picked her up to take her to the concert, she noticed i had bought a new jumper, and as we were driving along i said my hands are freezing, i put my hand out, she took it, felt it and rubbed it, it was nice but im obviously just looking for any kind of contact.

 

I feel terrible today, i feel like im letting myself be a doormat, and even though she isnt asking me to do things, she does still accept them.

[susie198]

I think asking her to go to marriage couselling is a great idea. You will get an immediate sense from her reply whether she is really thinking, at this point, that you might have a chance at reconciliation. If she says no, I think you need to accept that in her mind, there is little chance. That might be just how she feels right now and might change, but we can only deal with reality today, not imagine what might happen tomorrow.

 

If she says no, then I'd go no contact (apart from absolutely essential contact you might need to do to deal with children issues etc). You need time to heal. This was a long, long relationship and it will take you a while to recover. If you keep contact with her, it will take much, much longer. Its brutal at first, but in the long term, its the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

 

I wish you good luck and peace in your heart.

 

Susie

[matador1972]

Well she has said we can talk about it when we go out on Thursday night.

 

unfortunately, ive just found out she has signed up to an online dating site, so she is definetely moving on, maybe its time i did too.

[susie198]

Don't get too worried about the online dating site.

 

She possibly thinks at the moment that the grass is greener elsewhere or at least that she would like to get out there and see if it is. But online dating is a minefield for a start. And secondly, there is no way that she can meet someone and have the same kind of connection that she had built up with you over 17 years together. You two have history and bundles of happy memories together.

 

Let your monkey swing on this one and don't worry about it. The fact that she has joined a dating site is an indication that right now, she feels the need to explore her options. It is no indication of how she will feel three or six months from now. Anyone she dates will just be compared with you mentally for a long long time. Whether she tries to prevent that or not.

 

You need to work on you, get focused on you and looking after you. Have you got hobbies, projects, things you can use to distract you? Have you got a good circle of friends you can rely on? Start getting out from time to time. Instead of driving her to concerts, why don't you grab a mate and go to one yourself? There is a reason she was with you for 17 years. Try and remember the person you were when you met her. Have you changed? Have you given up your hobbies? Have you become a negative person? It's a great opportunity to work on you and on making yourself a stronger better person. Your wife doesn't need to be told you're doing this. She'll see the results and that's all that matters. But make sure that when she does contact you, that you are pleasant, but too busy to talk, you're just running out the door. Then she'll start to wonder more about what you're up to than what she has planned to get up to!

 

Oh and the fact that you're still in pain a month in is normal. I think if after 17 years it would be abnormal for you to be over it to be honest.

 

Susie

[matador1972]

Cool, thanks very much, im starting to see that, i was just in shock yesterday.

 

Ive been very pro active, started hitting the gym as soon as it happened, ive lost about 20lbs in the last month and i feel and look great.

 

I had become a negative person, so im trying to change that, anyway, she knows what i want, ive told her, i also told her when we broke up she does need to see other people so that she can explore her options, i know she wont find anyone that loves her like i do.

[matador1972]

We are out for dinner tonight, she said we can chat about the marriage councelling thing, although i fear it will only go one way.

 

Since this whole internet dating thing ive really been crushed, and whats worse you can check when they are online, she has been online a lot, so its harder than even the first few days, i know i shouldnt check, but i do and every time i see she is on, it crushes me.

 

Two nights ago i lost it, started crying uncontrolably, so much so my daughter heard me in her bedroom (i was in mine), and i got a text from her saying "daughter says your crying, are you okay?" i said "yeh im fine ) and she asks why i was crying, i told her i was missing her, she said sometimes she misses me too.

 

We have quite a lot on over the next few weeks, next weekend is my daughters 15th birthday, so we are out for dinner on the Friday, then have an activity day on the saturday, but i really dont know if i should just cut all this contact and give her a chance to miss me, the thought of her chatting to other guys is horrible, but i know its going to be so much worse if she takes things further with them.

[susie198]

Keep your cool tonight.

 

Don't beg, just ask the question, sit back and listen. If she says something you don't like, ask questions about it, don't attack. Get curious and stay very, very calm. There will be a time for letting your reaction out, but tonight isn't it.

 

Don't worry about the online dating thing. Remember, she's just exploring her new life. That doesn't mean she'll do anything with it. I've done this before during a split with an ex, even dated a couple of guys. But, if you're not over your ex completely, it just becomes a ridiculous exercise in going out and comparing a slightly scary stranger against something that is comfortable and well known and safe. So keep your cool on this issue.

 

Susie

[matador1972]

Well we had a really good night, i got to find out a bit more behind the reasons for the split, we got on like a house on fire actually.

 

Im a bit more positive about the future, although ill post tomorrow when ive had a sleep and had time to digest what was said, basically though, she said we both had issues to work out, its clear we still both love each other, whether thats enough, who knows.

[matador1972]

Well im starting my counselling today, quite looking forward to it actually. She dosent want to do joint counselling, but does think that we both seperately need it.

 

Im quite positive about the future right now, whether its together or apart, ive got a few deep rooted issues i need to get rid off that have affected our relationship for years.

[matador1972]

First therapy session was really helpful, its made me really quite hopeful for the future.

[matador1972]

Had a good weekend with her, we were out for dinner Thursday, went to the shops and for dinner on Saturday before seeing my daughters show, and then she came back for a glass of wine. On Sunday we went to the gym together but yesterday she phoned to ask if i could have the kids on Thursday so she could go out but i had already organised something so we got into a big long argument.

 

Anyway, she was saying that i missed loads of things in the marriage, that she was always on her own and what not, this is partly true, but not so much in the last few years, she's obviously very angry and cant see the good times we had together, im hoping she can get past the anger stage, ive decided to go no contact but its going to be very tough, especially as its my daughters birthday this weekend and we are all set to go out on the Friday and and activity day on the saturday.

[matador1972]

Well, tough night tonight, she is out on a first date (im assuming its a first date, all indications are that it is).

 

I am totally panicked over the whole situation, but im trying to keep my cool and not show that to her.