No contact, does it really work?

[tiff8434]

Ok, so I have decided after like a month and a half I have not called him or talked to him. We had decided that we we try and be friends. Well, much to be surprise on Thursday he called my cell phone while I was at work and I actually answered. He seemed freaked out because I answered and when I ask him if he needed anything he said he was just calling to leave me a message saying hello. So my question is do I try to pursue a friendship? Or do I continue to only talk to him when he contacts me. I am still in love with him and really want him back. What to do!

[Suavemantotherescue]

Well theres nothing wrong with a friendship. I think no contact can go on for so long before it becomes 'dangerous' to a relationship. Staying away for too long, you might become scared to talk to him or the other way around. You should only not talk for as long as it takes for the other person to cool their jets or vice verca. Remember the old saying, the longer you stay of the horse, the harder it is to get back on or something, well basically staying away for too long will do that to you. Basically, what I'm trying to say is go ahead and talk to him, just remember not to stalk him or bug the fudge outta him, just take it slow.

[matt11b5]

Friendships dont work after a serious relationship. At least not till long after the break up. Your still in love with him and by talking to him your hoping he brings up the subject of getting back together and you always will until your over him. He obviously cares about you and misses you, but wants his freedom from you. He's basically taking advantage of you, controlling you. Stop making yourself available to him. Theres no reason for contact anymore. Its a sad thing to think about I know it is. You think of all the memories and everything the relationship consisted of and then its gone in an instant. But thats way it has to be. You talking to him is not helping you. Cut off communication till your over him and then maybe you guys can be friends. Even if it means you two may never talk again. You need to think about yourself now. Remember he broke up with you, so theres nothing you have to feel guilty about. No contact may help him realize what you were to him and send him running back to you. But whatever you do dont count on it. Let time decide and let yourself heal. Good luck and take care.

 

Matt

[SteveNaive]

No contact is something that is supposed to help you heal, but it is not necessarily for getting someone back. However, you should try it in order to get your thoughts and feelings sorted before you get in touch again. There is no point in having contact with him as long as you still love him and he does not love you back. You will be constantly hoping for a come on from him which he may not want to give you. So, try to think clearly and evaluate your position. No contact might indeed help YOU. It might not necessarily bring him back, though... I had that problem before...if he doesn't want, no contact won't make him come back either... Sorry...

[ziggystar]

i think alot of people on this forum believe in black and white. well, sorry to say, it's not black and white, but grey. people want to believe somebody is responsible for the hurt they are feeling. they want to blame people for there pain. but what good is that? they're bad, we're good. we're bad, they're good. we all have a hand in our own pain.

 

just talk to him when he contacts you. no relationship talk, just be cordial and friendly. because really, all the pain and anguish is in your head. how many times has you emotions swang on a typical day, but yet there was no interaction between you and him? there's a difference in how you feel and the reality.

 

as far as pursuing a friendship goes, i think we define all these concepts too rigidly. he's not really going to be a friend like your other friends. at this point he isn't your lover. so why not put him in his own category, "the guy you would like to get back together with that you are friendly with, but if it doesn't happen, you'll be okay anyway." i know people will balk at this concept, but it's pretty damn mature if you ask me, as opposed to getting angry and blaming the other person, only to find a new person later and have this residual anger transfer into that relationship.

 

however do move on with your life. you don't have to burn the bridge to keep moving forward.

[Jen23]

tiff8434

 

I think that you should look out for yourself. If you can't handle being friends with him than don't try. There is no need for you to try to be nice (even if it is easy to be nice because you want him back) or try to be his friend if it's going to make you feel awful afterwards. I am 24 and i still have a hard time controlling my feelings. If you can't control your feelings then it might be better for you to just stick with no contact. Only you know yourself. You have to make this decision. But ask yourself if you are the type of person to read into things. If you are then everytime that he calls are you going to think that he wants to get back with you? If he doesn't call are you going to feel awful?

 

I cannot talk to my Ex-husband (we haven't finalized it yet). I asked myself if i could handle it and i decided that i couldnt. I stopped trying to play nice for his sake because in the end i needed to look out for myself.

 

I hope that in the end whatever you decide you are deciding for yourself and noone else!

 

Jen