rich 1517 - struggling AGAIN. advice

[rich_1517]

hey.

 

if you know the story skip this part.

 

she left in january saying i need time alone, i need time to decide. during that time she called all the time. i had to actually ask her not to for a week while i looked for work.

 

i know that i blew it not committing and moving in twice over the three years. she knows she blew it by not expressing her needs better.

 

so she came back and said lets date, but i see you more as friends. lets go on some dates and see.

 

so i have been working on me very hard. showing up for her, trying to make things fun, keeping conversation to nothing about the relationship, except to say i need her to show interest or what are we doing?

 

this is sooo hard to have less than half of what i had. i am in fear now. she is not dating anyone else. (trust me i know). we haev fun together but the longing is very hard, we barely kiss, she invites me to stay over on the couch, she does include me in many things with her and her son. but it feels all wrong.

 

she is not a "feeler" so she is just winging it. but she is not moving from her spot, tomorrow we are supposed to go to a theme park to "add excitement" but my feelings of not being wanted are big now. its not so much self esteem as i dont deserve so little of what i once had.

 

we are actually in some ways much closer, we are wrestling a lot, hitting, and i have massaged, light kisses, lots of flirting.

 

but her attitude is indifferent it seems. kind of cocky, wont reassure me, etc, etc.

 

heres the question: is there some middle ground between being a doormat and walking away. or is it time to place my needs on the table and say if you cant, you cant, but i cant do it this way.

 

ideas?

[Mix Maxster]

well from what i can see i think she wants it to go again and i think you want it to go again too, but from what i can tell you're both trying TOO hard for it to work instead of just doing. There's this fear that things have to be done a certain way and dealt with a certain way or you risk messing up again. You shouldn't be so hard on yourselves because you will both fall under the pressure and stress. From what I can see there's a lot of uneasyness due to the past, the reason why it feels wrong is probably because you know you two split again and are fearing it would happen again. I could TOTALLY be wrong on this one, but I just think that the two of you are scared to lose one another but are also scared in doing all the wrong things when you're trying to do right. You two can't expect thigns to go back to the way it was and maybe that's another reason why it feels weird, that after all of this it seems like it should feel good again but it feels weird. You can either break from it completely or try to get an understanding. Admit that it could just be because of the pressure involved or it could be because you're trying to hard. If the uneasyness continues, it would be a good idea to see if you can get an understanding and to see if you can compromise with each other.

 

Let the other person know why it is you want it to work and what you feel you should do to make it work and what you're hoping the other person can do to make it work. Don't force it in them, but let them know and then see where it should go from there. If you need time, tell them it's pretty damn big thing and you understand the need to take the time to think everything over.