How do you deal with LC

[butterfly0424]

My ex fiance and I have been broken up for 2.5 months. We dated for 3 years. After a year of dating we were engaged and I became pregnant. He decided to end the relationship a month before our daughters 1st birthday. During our time together, we only had 2 major blow up fights that was in the first year. After the second one we decided to talk about what was upsetting us instead of letting it build up to to blow up.

 

During the last year of our relationship, I had the baby and I was trying to balance a full-time job, motherhood and keeping up the house. He was also working 10 to 11hr days. Both of us let our tiredness get in the way of intimacy in the relationship. He felt like I wasn't giving him enough attention sexually. Instead of talking it over with me he started talking to our female friend. They had an emotional affair. She gave him the attention he craved so he started to spend time with her. Eventually it led to him ending our relationship to be with her. I never stop loving him. There were times, where I wasn't happy.

 

We have LC because of our daughter. I cannot go to NC because of her. LC is hard on me. I am miserable until I hear from him. I broke one of the rules of the LC. We started talking about our relationship today. It all started because I wrote "love ya" at the end of an email I sent him giving him information he needed to pay the car tax on the car we share. It wasn't intentional. I did it not thinking and I tried to stop it before it was sent. She saw the email and she got upset. She thinks I am/will be doing things to get him to come back to me. I dont know what kind of signals he is giving for her to think that. Maybe she isn't secure because she knows he left me for her and if she can take him away, anyone can. He has and is still telling me he cannot and will not ever date me again. He said he cannot take the same road twice. He has done too much damage to come back to me again. If he is telling her this. I asked him a question. I asked him if she didn't give him attention would we still be together? He couldn't answer the question.

 

Before this episode, I have been letting him call/text me first. Which he does on his way to work in the mornings everyday. If he can't call in the mornings, he calls during the day. He has been jealous for a few weeks now. A few examples: once I was meeting some girls from work. I was on the phone with his sister and told her I had to go because I was meeting someone for lunch. She calls him right away to let him know I was going on a date. He calls me later to see if I was home so he could bring our daughter back. Three hours later, he brings our daughter home. I ask him why so late? He replies back "well I wanted to give you time to get your clothes on and get the man out of the house." It didnt phase me. I just shook my head. One hour later he calls me to ask if he left his sunglasses in my house. A second time, we got in a heated discussion. I was upset so my male roomate (his friend and co-worker) takes me out for lunch. The ex finds out about it. He makes this comment to me "I'm glad you have someone who cares about you." Then he mentions something about us dating. The same evening, he found out I went out with some friends. My ex calls me 2 times within 2 hours. He calls me again Sunday morning to let me know he has something important to discuss. I text him back letting him know I can talk whenever. He calls me an hour later to let me know he will call me back later when he has time. That afternoon he finds out I didn't make it home and he starts calling me again. If he finds out I cook on the grill he automatically assumes I am hooking up with his friend and makes a jealous comment of us being together. I mentioned this to my roomate and he chuckled and said he can't stand to be around him anymore because of the comments he makes about me to him. He said, he was told by another person my ex was saying last week he was having 2nd thoughts.

 

I may be reading too much into this, but I think he still has feelings for me, but doesn't know how to express them. Or thinks we cannot work on us and our issues.

 

I dont know. The only thing I know for sure is if his current gf is this insecure now, how is she going to react months down the road? Maybe he is giving her vibes. Women's intuition can be dangerous.

 

Sorry this got long, and confusing. I just needed to write all this out for someone to read.

[coolchick64]

 

Uh, yeah! She SHOULD be feeling that way because it's absolutely true. IMO, there's a special place in h*** for anyone who would steal someone from his newborn child's mother. I sincerely hope she gets exactly what she deserves.

 

As far as your ex's feelings, I wouldn't read too much into it. There may be something, but it's too far beneath the surface to matter at this point. I'm deeply concerned that he didn't man up when you had your baby. He seems immature and irresponsible. If I were you, I'd have a hard time getting past that even if he crawled to my front door over broken glass. Still, he is your baby's father and will always deserve more consideration than the average ex. At this point, there's no reason to expect anything though.

 

Re. LC, I know how that is when you've got kids together. You end up talking multiple times every day and it's hard to have boundaries. In this case, you need to try to set some. It might help to stop talking and use email instead. Keep the messages short and businesslike. Try to create some distance---have just enough contact to manage the tasks of raising your daughter and no more.

 

I feel for your position. It must be scary and difficult to raise that baby pretty much on your own. Plus, you're suffering through a break-up and watching him skip away with the other woman. You have to put all of your energy into taking good care of yourself. Your daughter needs you at your best. It may be tempting to use LC to keep a connection with the ex, to look for openings for reconciliation, but I think that's what's causing you all the pain and frustration. For your own good, it's best to stop thinking about it that way and let him go as much as you possibly can.

[AutumnBorn]

You didn't really mention in this post how you feel about him now. Are you angry? Would you take him back if that was an option? Is he a good father and provider for his baby? Is he a good man (other than the whole emotional affair thing)?

 

I feel sorry for his new gf, in a way, but am glad she's insecure, too! You'll never be completely out of his life and it must be tormenting her. I hope he's using condoms. Some women will stop at nothing to keep their man and create the kind of bond that will keep him in her life forever.

 

LC is hard. No doubt. It takes a lot of strength to maintain your cool. I'm absolutely new to it, but find it's the best way. Not hearing his voice twice a day (like I need to hear about his cats or how his meeting went or whom he had to fire) has helped me feel more distance from him. I imagine him dead - then he does call or email and I'm brought back to reality.

 

I told my ex not to call unless it's something important that I need to hear ASAP. Otherwise, it's email or texting. He didn't quite get it at first, but he's catching on. For example, he called this past Monday and I didn't pick up. If it was really important he'd leave a message or call back right away. He left a message saying our daughter had lost her cell, and if I needed to speak with her, I'd have to call his phone. No need for a response, so I didn't. He called back four hours later. No message, so I didn't call back. The next day I sent him an email asking if she'd found her phone and he responded with "not yet" and sent another a few hours later saying it was found on the ferry.

 

Last night I sent him an email asking him to contact a friend about a co-worker of hers who is stuck in Korea due to I.N.S. issues as he has had to deal with this sort of thing in the past with his underlings. He called today to ask for details, I told him to call her, I had none. He said "oh, O.K. Well, that's all I wanted to know." I said, "thanks for calling her. Bye." In a most disappointed voice, he said "sure. Bye". It was obvious he wanted to talk more and was using the I.N.S. issue as an excuse to call.

 

He comes over to help with the house every couple of weeks, but we don't talk about anything personal. He's seeing someone (or someones) and I don't care to hear about it. I defriended him on facebook. (My friends wouldn't dream of treating me like he did.) I don't even ask what her father made for dinner the night before.

 

He knows that of the last time we spoke about anything personal, I still had feelings for him. I also told him I'd never take him back, that his actions were unacceptable, not only to me but to any woman. Not that it mattered to him.

 

I think I'm getting better now, thanks to L.C.

[LillyLooWho]

Butterfly, since he's your child's father, you will have to talk to him once in awhile but you can control what you'll talk to him about. He does sound kind of jealous and maybe he is having second thoughts but until he is unattached, I wouldn't give him your friendship because then he gets stuff from the new woman and stuff from you. Two for the price of one. If he leaves the new woman, then you two can see where you stand. Based on what you wrote though, he does sound kind of confused. I'm not trying to give you false hope because who really knows what goes on in his head (or any ex's head). Keep posting if it helps. I wish you luck with your situation. It must be tough with a little one.

[butterfly0424]

You didn't really mention in this post how you feel about him now. Are you angry? Would you take him back if that was an option? Is he a good father and provider for his baby? Is he a good man (other than the whole emotional affair thing)?

 

He is an excellent father. He loves his daughter very much. This man was so good to me. He took care of me and provided for me and our daughter. He even helped out with the housework because I was learning how to be a mother while working a full time job. He didnt see a need for me to be stressed out trying to do everything.

 

If the option arose, I would take him back. I love him. When I think of him I get butterflies and a nervous stomach. When I have to see him when he picks her up all those feelings come back to me. I remember how impatient I got waiting for him to come home. It felt like time was standing still. I couldn't wait to see him. Then some days, Im angry he didnt chose to stay.

 

We talked yesterday after the email with the "love ya" in it. He said and has been saying he can never date the same woman twice. Some reason, I can't believe that. I think he still loves me and has feelings for me. At the same time, it could be me just telling myself that.

 

I really hate this rollercoaster I am on.

 

Also, I forgot to mention. If I dont answer my cell when he calls, he will call and call until I answer. Never leaves a voicemail. Last week he did it I never picked up the phone. I sent a text asking him what he needed. He replied back and said nevermind. That was kinda weird. I never did find out what he wanted.