lookingforhope Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Hi all, My girlfriend of eight years just left and I am devastated. We met in college and have lived together in several cities. We've had many ups and downs, and she has left before, but always come back. This time, she is moving back home accross the country and I believe it is for good. She says she still loves me and as recently as a few weeks ago she was acting like things were good. The main problems were two-fold: 1) she hates the city we currently live in to the point that she was in therapy to try and find a way to be Ok with it. 2) My passions for my career have begun to take me to the beginnings of success, while she feels utterly lost in her purpose in life and needs to discover what she wants to do. She has said time and time again that it is not because of what I do or say, but that she just needs a clean start, where she can stretch her wings and discover what it is she wants. The last time she left, she came back and said she had made a terrible mistake and now knew she wanted to be with me forever. And we got back together on the condition that this time was for real, no trial and error, the ring, the full nine yards. I needed time to regain trust with her and after a year of her proving her devotion to me which was so wonderful, talking about marriage, babies, etc., things started to slip again. She hated her job and more than ever hated living in this city. When she finally left her job a couple weeks ago I was sensing her pulling back again. I had finally saved up to buy the ring, had it picked out, and had the proposal all figured out, and she started pulling back.... I could sense history repeating itself, and we talked about setting a timeline to leave the city together. After everything that had happened in the past and the fact that she came back, and everything she promised, I thought we could work it out. She quit her job and took a trip back home and was still saying "i love you forever" and we can figure it out no matter what as long as we do it together. By the time she came back, she had made up her mind. She was leaving the city and needed to go alone. The hardest part is how quickly she made the decision, without talking to me about it at all. We had talked about how she needed to get out of this city, but it was always under the setting of us leaving together. It's also hard because things were so good between us. i felt that our relationship was stronger than it had ever been as a result of all the healing we went through together after the last time. Unfortunately my line of work has forced me to be in the city I am in and it also forces me to work long hard hours. But I moved my work to home so we could be together more, and for a while that seemed to help. In the end she said she didn't want to live the rest of her life in my shadow and needed to find something for herself. She feels stifled by me, not by what I do or say, but simply by virtue of the fact that I am so driven. I think she feels that that she wants to start fresh and become perhaps a new person, and with me she thinks she will always be that other person. What is doubly difficult is the fact that I have recently been having apprehension about continuing my current career. It is very isolating work and I have become more and more aware that what has gotten me through my last few projects has been the idea that I could spend time with her at the end. She has effectively been driving me to the finish line, not the work itself. So when I take her out of the equation the idea of doing the work without her support seems utterly meaningless. But then i think, if I was going to pack it in and shift directions I should have done it with her 6 months ago and we'd still be together. So i feel obliged to stay here and dig in to this isolated lifestyle, where I don't meet many people, least of all other women, and can't foresee being truly happy without her being a part of it. I apologize for the length of this. I needed to get it all out. I am desperately looking for advice on how to heal. I realize that the last times we broke up, what got me through it was the hope of getting back together. Now I don't see that as a possibility and the idea of going on without her seems hopeless. After eight years, you become dependent on so many things about the other person and you don't even realize it. She was everything to me, and in spite of my "driven" persona I feel completely lost without her. Please help. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Call her up and see if she's got room for you both figuratively and literally! Link to comment
lookingforhope Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Ha, wish it were that easy. I asked her if she wanted me to come with her...."no." Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Wasn't that at least six months ago? Ask her again so you don't have to wonder. Link to comment
lookingforhope Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 No, the breakup happened yesterday and I asked her then. The "six months ago" hypothesis was based on the fact that she was still here with me, we were still together, and we could have left together then, and stayed together. Sorry if that was unclear in the original. Link to comment
waveseer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 Oh, sorry I misunderstood. Well, I suggest you give her a little time to find herself. While she's doing that it would be a really good idea to find yourself. Link to comment
larryburst Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 wow, seems like a movie plot. You have to decide for yourself. If you cant have your career and her, whats it going to be? But its not all up to you. SHE needs to figure out what she wants, what she needs to be happy. Dont be needy about it or force her to make decisions. Whats the end goal here for you? Is it to grow in your career? Is it to be with her? is it to move on? Take some time, calm yourself down and think about it. ENA is a great place to learn to heal and get advice but only you can make decisions about where you want to go in life. What are your goals? What are your priorities? Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years? She needs to answer those as well. If communication is open, see what she has to say and give it time... Link to comment
lookingforhope Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 Thanks everyone. Up until yesterday I thought I had it all figured out. I wanted us to stay here for a time and see if 1) she began to like living here more and 2) by then, I would have a better assessment of whether or not I will be able to have a successful career. And if the answers were no, we could leave together. Otherwise, I envisioned a happy life here, growing together. We've spoken some more today. She still loves me and says if we're meant to be together, we will be in the future. But right now she needs to do this. I have to get to the point where I can reestablish my own identity apart from her. This is going to take a lot of time. i can't count on us getting back together this time, so I have to find a way to be happy without her. The idea of meeting someone new, after 8 years, seems nearly impossible, but I can't even think about that right now. I think i need to take the time to heal and not try to pressure myself about new relationships and the future of the old one. Link to comment
larryburst Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 very good, exactly... i think you need to understand where she is coming from, her reality, appreciate it and forgive any hurt. This will take time, but time is a gift and its on your side right now. now, i think, you should cultivate whats there, not what yo think is "lost." and theres alot there if you open up to it. remember: "love is whats left when you let go of everything you don't need." Link to comment
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