Here's a tricky one for you ...girls be particularly interested in your opinions

[1927city]

Hey Guys/Girls

 

Bit of a quandry and I think I know the answers ...although be interested in other opinions.

 

Ex split with me way back in May 2008 following a year long relationship in which she wanted me to move away with her initially and left city (graduated) without so much of a goodbye (odd breakup that didn't seem to involve me at all).

 

Was gutted. Didn't then hear from her until around Nov (indirectly - my mate said he was at a party with her and she said she still loved me). Thereafter she texted me at Xmas, then NY - the latter saying she wanted to meet up.

 

I agreed (I had at this point moved to a different city myself with work) but it took her until April to visit. In between, we had numerous texts (100's) - 'miss you' texts on valentines etc.

 

When we did meet, she was all over me, said she'd made a mistake, made things hard for herself, she'd missed us - we got it on and slept together. Next day she stayed, borrowed a dvd etc - and then went back home (about an hour away) and then continued with the text bollox.

 

This went on for about another 3 months or so (July 2009) - no effort on her part to meet though. Evfentually we got another meeting set up for August 2009 - she visited me in our old home, she did much as the first meeting - we got it on again, she told me it was unfair how she was during our break, it was external pressures placed on me unfairly - there was nothing i could have done etc.

 

Next day, I asked if we were going somewhere - she said yes, although take things slowly as distance would make it hard. She'd call me when she got in ...she didn't.

 

SHe then went quiet for about 3 weeks, didn't reply to the few texts i sent her. So I phoned her up and said that 2 meetings in all of this time was unacceptable in light of what she'd been saying. I deserved better.

 

She agreed, confirmed that we were not going out but that she didn't want an open relationship either as she wasn't a 'slag', and that there was no other guy if thats what I was worried about. Quite a productive and honest (i thought) convo that lasted about an hour. Felt a lot better about things after it.

 

I had been invited the next week to go camping with a few mutual mates and the ex and asked if she was happy if I went as I was planning on it, in light of the above. She said yes and then was really cold the whole time, no warmth or wanting to be near me at all it seemed - completely different to the last two 1 on 1 meetings.

 

She had said, she was worried about what her mates would say (they all gave her grief when we split) and that she wasn't going to stay in the same tent etc, but still, this was no effort at all at any time. As we left, she said the usual, will call you.

 

Since then its been 5 weeks of silence - i've not contacted her either as she's seriously * * * * ed up and I'm being used (probably unintentionally), but used nonetheless.

 

I still love her ...how I don't know, but I've been invited to their new housewarming party in a few weeks by her best mate (not her) - I am not planning on going, but would like some help here as I am sure she still loves me (shes not that good an actor), but isn't letting it happen for some reason.

 

I've gone past logic, its very weird - I want to save it but its impossible to do it on your own if the other person either doesn't want too or has issues stopping her from doing so I guess...

 

Help!

[Bella20]

Honestly, I think the only way to resolve this is to be mature about the situation and ask your ex for a face-to-face talk.

 

You need to ask her what she feels, what she wants, and you need to tell her what you feel and want. Tell her that you need an answer, because playing games like this doesn't work very well.

 

That's really all I can say... Spending time conjecturing about what's going on in her head is not productive.

 

Good luck!

[1927city]

Thanks Bella

 

But I was under the impression we'd done this.

 

She dumped me, I was gutted but mature about it and let her have what she wanted - a stress free break up. She then re-started contact. We've met 4 times in total since we split. Once initially at my leaving do after NY and ended up together although nothing happened, but it was just us for a long time.

 

Then twice 1 on 1, where she confessed (without prompting) that the break was down to her, her issues and nothing to do with me - both times indicating that she wanted to reunite.

 

Then an hour phone call by me trying to work out where this was going.

 

And then her being odd/cold and distant during our next meet.

 

Problem is everything she says seems to differ in how she then acts - it makes it impossible to know how she'll be or what to do yourself. As such, I'm not going to her party for my own sake.

 

In all of this time I've not been tough with her ...how do you think the tough stance will go - ie,

 

you're too inconsistent and I'm fed up of your immature games. If you don't know when you're on to a good thing then that's your problem not mine. If you really want to give it a go ...a commited go, then I am open to talk. Otherwise, I suggest you give me my space.

 

??

[Bella20]

Ok.. in MY opinion... she is very confused. This happened to me and the reason why I acted this way was because I did love the guy but I knew he wasn't good for me -- for a variety of reasons. So while I still had feelings for him, my head made me stay away -- I had to get away from him.

 

Now, this happened to me, and it doesn't mean that the same thing is happening to her... but maybe it is. Maybe single life turned out to be a little more complicated than she thought it would be and returning to the familiar sounds appealing.

 

I think that you shouldn't address her with violence / disrespect. Just say to her that you really want her to be honest with you and tell you what she feels and what she wants. If she wants more time to think, that's fine. If she doesn't want you anymore, that's fine. And if she wants to give it a try, that's fine too. But she needs to tell you, because you can't deal with the uncertainty, and you can't read her mind. Ask her why she goes from being nice and affectionate to extremely cold and non-responsive.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you need to talk to her as well. However, given the fact that she ignores your contact, I would wait until the next time "her Royal Highness" decides to give you the privilege of talking to her. Next time she calls that is when you should address what is going on, why she is warm one minute and then ignoring you for weeks on end after that. Tell her that is hurtful to you and just not an acceptable way for you to be treated and that if she can't figure out what she wants from you then it is best she leave you alone until she is sure she wants to reconcile. I wonder if you will hear from her after she notices that you are not at the party.

[1927city]

Cheers Bella

 

Well I refuse catagorically to chase her ...again - its up to her to get in contact (its about time I started giving myself the respect I deserve and not pandering to her and any excuses I can make to fit the picture).

 

She's confused ...well fine, so am I and as she split us, its down to her to sort it - not Me.

 

I agree violence is never justified (or even thought of), but anger will make me look weak. I like your wording - basically if she does contact again, be calm and reply with my questions in your style.

 

I really do think she has deeper internal issues, that have caused this and it really wouldn't matter who I was or what I'd have done - we still would have found ourselves here.

 

Point is, I'm not interested in reuniting with her unless she can sort herself out as I will not accept this happening again.

[anya1607307555]

you're too inconsistent and I'm fed up of your immature games. If you don't know when you're on to a good thing then that's your problem not mine. If you really want to give it a go ...a commited go, then I am open to talk. Otherwise, I suggest you give me my space.

 

??

 

I understand your frustration but there is no real need to point fingers here, simply verbalise to her what you need/want out of a relationship with her. Give her one more opportunity to show her intentions, with her actions being consistent with her words, and then move on/walk away (if she still offers nothing). You are free to step off the merry-go-round at any point.

[Bella20]

Ultimately, you will be the bigger person by maturely addressing these issues and inconsistencies.

 

Best of luck!

[uhohlala]

Sorry but I don't think it's as mysterious as it seems (although I do understand how frustrating and unfair it is). The OP would like to resolve the nature of his relationship with his ex, and she's giving him the run-around. She's confused. Great. Why must he hang around while she takes the next four weeks/months/years to figure out what she wants? Why is it incumbent upon him to continue to initiate fruitless conversations, to continue to be patient and understanding while she darts in and out of his life at will? Why isn't she responsible for handling her confusion in a way that minimizes the negative effect on him?

 

OP, you've tried to have mature, constructive conversations but they haven't yielded anything. I have been in your shoes, I have waited patiently for a flaky partner to make up his mind about what he wanted. And waited, and waited. And when he finally did make up his mind, guess what he wanted: to break up! If I'd stuck with my wish to have resolution, and had ended things when he couldn't get over his indecision, I would have felt a lot better about it all. Wouldn't have been so emotionally invested, wouldn't have been so frustrated, wouldn't have been so surprised and hurt when he finally decided, "You know what, I've decided I don't want this." See, people like that are often quite capable of making up their minds unilaterally, with no discussion or mutual understanding, when it suits them.

 

You want an answer, she can't/won't give it -- isn't that an answer in and of itself? It's not what you want, true. It's not mutual but that's probably not possible. She says she doesn't knoooooooooowwww what she wants. She says she knows she's not being faaaaaaair to you ... but she continues to be flaky and unfair. So why continue?

 

You don't even need to tell her, although that would be the polite/mature thing to do I suppose. My advice: a text or short email, something like, "Hope all's well. I've decided that we're a non-starter but hope we'll continue to be friends. Good luck!"

 

And then start checking out other girls.

[1927city]

2 very different views on here (and I have them both playing around in my head) - I think you're both right and there lies the problem lol.

 

Anyway, I think we're all agreed its not for me to contact and when she does, it shouldn't be easy one way or the other for her. She needs to prove to me that she's trustworthy /worth investing time in from here on in.

 

Re: this party - I had decided to not go and not let her know. As we had agreed to cancel our party last time we met (so there was no conflict), I also decided not to restart it so to speak (would make me look petty). As such, me and my housemate have organised a fancy dress pub crawl with only a few people ...this has subsequently grown to quite a lot, so should be a lot of fun.

 

However, the ex's mate was texting my housemate last night asking him what he was dressing up as for there housewarming party. He tried stalling (he's slept with her and the other housemate - not the ex) and in the end confessed that he wasn't going.

 

Next text back was 'the girls are wondering why?' ...I thought this was my ex bringing me into the equation, he didn't - am I being paranoid?

 

Anyway, his response was 'I've got a gf and planning on doing something with her and I think J (me) is coming back that weeked'.

 

So, he's declined on my behalf, which in some ways is good, in others bad. But still didn't prompt a response from the ex.

[1927city]

...& apparently they've cancelled it now.

 

Probably coincidence, but strange.

[1927city]

...& now she's disappeared from the face of the earth.

 

Reckon she's decided its over for good, or is this the usual girl putting her brave face on and not backing down (being stubborn) - when the tide turns / she feels down, I'll get a contact again?

 

What do you guys think?

 

J