I'm confused

[happy_camper]

Am I being too demanding or am I right to feel the way I do?

 

My boyfriend and I are long distance. He lives an hour away, and we both have very demanding jobs. I work between 60-70 hours a week, and on top of this, have to travel sometimes over an hour to get to various workplaces. He works in the one place, usually monday to friday, but has lately been called in several saturdays and long evenings due to an important audit coming up, which may or may not spell promotion for him. lately we've only been able to see each other for a few hours each week, and this is mostly because I call into him on the way to or from work because I pass through where he lives. we're both from the same hometown though. I work most saturdays unfortunately. we've both admitted we didn't know the meaning of hard work until the recession!

 

anyways...........last year, around the same time last year actually, I began to feel a little neglected. I had very little work this time last year, my dad had had a fall and I was also needed at home to help out. I spent most weekends at my boyfriends place, because i had the time to travel down and see him. however, I began to get down in myself, due mostly to my circumstances. but I also began to feel like I was doing all the running in the relationship. we had a massive fallout over a small understanding..........and I hadn't let him know until the fallout how neglected I'd been feeling, and everything all came out at once. He didn't know how to handle it, and broke up with me, saying he couldn't be the boyfriend I wanted hiim to be.

 

back in february we started seeing each other again. I initiated contact (yes, i know, someone's going to beat me with a stick for that one) but we decided to give it another go, and up until the last month or so, even though we see each other even less now than we did when we were going out before, things were going way better. we have been talking so much more, that was one of my gripes before. we speak every night on the phone, and he'd been travelling home to see me way more.

 

however, lately, even though I've been working most weekends, I've been still travelling down to see him on a friday or saturday night, if I know i have the next day off. even though I've been doing so much work and driving, and been so busy that from one week to the next I i have trouble remembering where I was certain days, or what i was doing. I"m finding it quite hard and I want him to travel up here to see me more because I need a break. Yet every weekend, I feel there's a different excuse. one weekend, he decided to run a marathon, only the week before, a two hour drive in opposite direction from where he lives. last weekend, I went down friday night to spend the night, and he had work sat, and had told me earlier in the week he'd come home sat evening to spend the evening with me. sat morning he tells me he has a rugby match after work and won't be home (same thing happened two weeks prior). he told me he'd come home after work this saturday coming. on phone this evening, he said he's not sure about that anymore, because the audit is next week, he may have to work late saturday to get a report done, and has a rugby match sunday................needless to say again, I'm disappointed, and like this time last year, I feel there's an excuse for every time. I know we're both under pressure. but I feel completely taken for granted. and unlike this time last year, i've been letting him know instead of bottling it up. and he keeps apologising. And I don't know if I'm being too hard on him or not, but I don't want to throw this away again. please give me some perspective on this.

[faithful14]

I think you are giving way too much in this relationship and you need to stop. First and foremost, take care of you. You've been running around chasing after him that you don't leave him any room to let him come your way. It seems as though he's focused on his job, then he gives his time to sports, and then when there is time left over, it's with you. It never feels to good to think that you are being neglected so what I have done in a similar situation, is to just stop giving so much and just focus on myself, and I think that's what you need to do. You need to give him room to come your way. Spend time with your friends, your family, focus on work. He needs to put in the effort also in this relationship.

[happy_camper]

thanks faithful. when we broke up last year, it was over a similar situation, and I feel we need to nip it now before it gets to breaking point. but at the time, I blamed everything on him. I said to him that i travelled so much to see him because I felt if I didn't, he wouldn't travel to see me. however, in the months we were apart, a little hindsight and a lot of overanalysis made me realise that I did need to step back and let him come to me instead. I just find that so hard to do, because it's so hard to see each other, that I will always travel when he can't. and I might resent it when I'm away from him, but when i'm there I'm always glad I did it. he knows how much it upsets me when we don't see each other. more so when I know how hard I work at it, which is definitely not easy now I'm travelling so much for work. I do see my friends already as much as I can, but with the demanding hours of work, I don't have time to join any clubs, which is something I'm normally pretty active about. I'm going to loads of concerts with friends soon, and on hols, so I'm looking after that in the next few weeks in that respect! also something I'd worked hard at, because I know I concentrated so much energy on the relationship the first time round, i lost touch with friends........................I'm finding everything pretty draining at the moment, and I know he's stressed over the audit too, but god, I just want to feel like more than just that person he fits in if he has the time.

[Ms Darcy]

So if I were to tell you that you are quickly spiralling to a repeat of last year, what would you suggest that you do (given the new knowledge you gained) to decrease the liklihood of another breakup?

[catfeeder]

Fighting for equality doesn't work. If you find that you're the one holding up a relationship, stop and let it go. This permits you to see whether the other will step up of his own accord, or whether he's of the mind to let it go.

 

Allow enough time for him to self-adjust. He might drop things at first because he welcomes the temporary break--keeping up with someone who tries to live at full throttle all the time can be plain exhausting. Either way, letting go without manipulation gains you valuable information that you cannot gain when you're running the thing.

 

If you assume things will fall apart if you don't hold all the pieces together, you're building resentments that don't serve you. Either you're wrong, and you're denying him the opportunity to show you otherwise, or you're right, and you need to question the value of what you're holding onto all by yourself. This would be information I'd want to find out early.

 

In your corner.

[faithful14]

Of course it is hard, but sometimes you have to do the opposite to get what you want. If he really wants to see you and spend time with you, then he needs to get off his butt and make the effort. He assumes that since you are already putting the effort nonstop to make time for him, it makes him not do any of the work. and And all you got to do is just give him space and then see what happens. He will either readjust his schedule to make time for you or you will soon come to see that he is not going to make this relationship a priority. And this will all fall on him because we all know you are already putting in the time and energy to make this work.

[happy_camper]

in response to Ms darcy..............having learned from my own mistakes, I see that I should step back and let him do the chasing. and that also seems to be the response from everyone else! as to whether that will stop us breaking up...................it depends on his response then, doesn't it? the thing is I didn't even see it coming, because in spite of all the work, and how tired I've been lately, I never see going to meet him as me making an effort, because it's something I want to do, because clearly I value this relationship, and I want us to work. but the same thing happened last year. at least now, i feel i'm catching it sooner. it scares me that it's come to this though. in ways i feel bad about it on my side too, because when we started meeting up again, he religiously made the effort to come home almost every weekend for three months nearly. because he knew he had to to make it work. but that doesn't mean that just because things seem ok now, he should stop?

 

 

catfeeder, I agree with you. when you say letting go without manipulation, do you mean I should step back without saying a word about this too him and watch how he behaves? I wondered should I say it to him, but I don't want to turn into a nag. and that was part of our problems before was that nothing was said. on the other hand, I think not saying anything and allowing him to react of his own accord is probably best because then I won't always wonder if he's only doing it because I said so. I want to see him want to make the effort for me. again though, and not to offend any males, but so many other friends of mine have said in the past you're better off spelling things out, because men aren't mind readers! gaaaah!!!

 

 

horribly, I do assume if I don't keep things together, he won't. and resentments are building very quickly, possibly because of the background to the breakup last year. but I can feel it building, and I'm so scared I'm going to blow. and when I do, I will let fly, without any thoughts for the consequences. I did it last year, and he ended it. while I know it's the best thing to do, just to step back and watch the reaction, I find that so hard. I hate not seeing him, and I hate wondering what he'll do. I know I can't control his actions, and I'm sure it's an insecurity of mine..............the feeling that I feel more for him than he does for me. Maybe I"m wrong, and if so that's fine. but if I'm right, what a horrible way to find out. i'm scared. partly because it's taken so long for things to begin to seem normal again, only to have things sink again. And I'd only begun to relax back into the relationship again.

 

how do i stop this resentment growing while I wait to see what happens? I'm not very patient in this respect!

[Ms Darcy]

how do i stop this resentment growing while I wait to see what happens? I'm not very patient in this respect!

 

You have the answer within you: "in response to Ms darcy..............having learned from my own mistakes, I see that I should step back and let him do the chasing. and that also seems to be the response from everyone else! as to whether that will stop us breaking up...................it depends on his response then, doesn't it?"

 

It's just that you don't want to face that this relationship may end. The truth is, if he's not interested in making an effort, it will end anyway. The question is will you go down fighting or walk away. And then if it doesn't end and he steps up, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you truly 'righted a wrong' by behaving the way you wished you had in the beginning. Best.

[happy_camper]

The question is will you go down fighting or walk away.

 

I don't know how much fight a i have left in me. he kinda gave up without a fight last year. for that reason I want to see him fight for it. It's not that I don't want to make the effort................it's clear I have been so far. I just want to feel it from him

[catfeeder]

[...] catfeeder, I agree with you. when you say letting go without manipulation, do you mean I should step back without saying a word about this too him and watch how he behaves? I wondered should I say it to him, but I don't want to turn into a nag. and that was part of our problems before was that nothing was said. on the other hand, I think not saying anything and allowing him to react of his own accord is probably best because then I won't always wonder if he's only doing it because I said so.

 

You just answered your own question. Nobody is saying you can't accept his calls and have pleasant conversations--this doesn't need to be a hardcore NC situation. Just stop short of being the one to make any plans. If he doesn't, don't get huffy or manipulative. Gently close your conversations with a "Talk soon, love you..." and leave it alone.

 

Over time he'll either step up and suggest getting together, or he won't. If he asks why you don't come to see him anymore, just say pleasantly, "Well, it's been running me a bit ragged on top of work," and leave it at that. Be stupid and cheerful, and leave all the work to him. (You'll clearly drive him in the other direction if the price of doing business with you is a guilt trip.)

 

I want to see him want to make the effort for me. again though, and not to offend any males, but so many other friends of mine have said in the past you're better off spelling things out, because men aren't mind readers! gaaaah!!!

 

You've already been down this road. You've talked, suggested and even fought with him about this, and it didn't 'work'. So why not let him show you the pace he'd prefer, and if it turns out to be something you can live with, then you've just found common ground. If not, then isn't that something you want to learn early? It's not as though you'll ever get back any time you invest in a relationship with no legs. Don't you want to know if this thing has a future?

 

horribly, I do assume if I don't keep things together, he won't. and resentments are building very quickly, possibly because of the background to the breakup last year. but I can feel it building, and I'm so scared I'm going to blow. and when I do, I will let fly, without any thoughts for the consequences. I did it last year, and he ended it.

 

You get to decide whether you want your fears and resentments to continue to drive you, or whether you want to drive a dignified drop of effort. If he doesn't lift a finger to fill the void, then you'll have an answer as to where you stand. Otherwise, you'll just blow the top off the thing and lose it anyway--and you'll have never gained the information you can otherwise learn by letting go.

 

while I know it's the best thing to do, just to step back and watch the reaction, I find that so hard. I hate not seeing him, and I hate wondering what he'll do. I know I can't control his actions, and I'm sure it's an insecurity of mine..............the feeling that I feel more for him than he does for me. Maybe I"m wrong, and if so that's fine. but if I'm right, what a horrible way to find out. i'm scared. partly because it's taken so long for things to begin to seem normal again, only to have things sink again. And I'd only begun to relax back into the relationship again.

 

how do i stop this resentment growing while I wait to see what happens? I'm not very patient in this respect!

 

Decide whether you want your impatience to kill this thing, or whether you want to learn BF's comfort cycle and make some informed decisions about where you stand with it? You'll get to choose whether this relationship is good enough for you or not--and in your own time and way. You'll deny yourself that private chance at assessment and decision-making if you keep running the show and then blow, or if you set him up with ultimatums.

 

Adopt some courage, and vent here if you wish, but try breaking the old pattern and see what evolves from this experience while you're both under work and long distance stresses. It's better to have a choice than to allow your impatience to make the choice for both of you.

 

In your corner.

[happy_camper]

thanks catfeeder. so much of what you're saying makes sense. especially about avoiding the guilt trip. thats something I have a tendency to use, mostly unintentionally. whenever he says he backs out of visiting, i can almost feel my heart hit my stomach i get so disappointed, and it's very visible. maybe i need to curb that too and appear more nonchalant about it.

 

I do want to know if this has a future. being truthful, the future is something we've never really spoken about. in total, we've been together just over two years, he's 27, I'm 25. sometimes this bothers me, other times it doesn't, becuase neither of us is in a position to talk about future when so many other elements are unpredictable at the moment, namely careers. before we broke up last year we had been planning to go travelling around now, for a year. but with recession and uncertainty with work, those plans were quickly laid to rest.

 

I know I'm better off to find out now if this isn't the relationship for me. but this is also the first serious relationship I've ever had, and his second, and it hurts me to know how much I've invested and know that it might not be right for me. I know it's nothing wasted............but it really tears me apart to think it might not work. I begin to beat myself up then, because I've always been one to think that you're better off alone than in a relationship you're unhappy in. I just keep hoping this is a rough patch we can smooth over. I found the break-up so hard to accept last year, i became really depressed. partly due to the fact that I had no job to distract myself, and my dad was really dependent on me in a way I wasn't prepared for that scared me too. I know I'd have handled things a lot better had I been working and busy.

 

you're right though, I do need to break the old patterns. I thought that was one good thing that came from the break, was that we both really examined our own behaviour and what led to the breakup, and talked about ways to improve things, and we've been working on that. it hurts to see it slip backwards. i definitely need to step back though. but i can't see it being resolved any time soon to be honest, because we both have plans every weekend for the next 6-7 weeks. next weekend, I'm going to visit friends from college because I haven't seen them in 6 months. following two weekends, he has two fundraising events for a charity he's going travelling with for ten days in november. i'm going on holidays with friends last week in october, because I've been working 5-6 day weeks for nearly 4 months and I really need the break, and the minute I get back, we're both away the next weekend, and then he's off with the charity for a week.............???? I know I'm busy for those weekends, maybe that will work to my advantage, but he's also busy, so probably not much! i just don't know..........

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know how much fight a i have left in me. he kinda gave up without a fight last year. for that reason I want to see him fight for it. It's not that I don't want to make the effort................it's clear I have been so far. I just want to feel it from him

 

At what point in this past year has he in fact changed permanently for you?

[happy_camper]

well one thing I took issue with before was that we never spoke enough during the week, he'd ring occasionally, but always have to go after few mins to do something else, and I'd ring him, and same thing would happen again, I used to feel like he wasn't bothered. he has since phoned me every single night, bar one or two. and I know it's not the same as meeting in person, but it has made a massive difference. I've literally only had to ring him once or twice myself. and we stay on the phone for ages. and while it might not seem like a big thing, it has made such a difference to me. for a while after we got back together, I was wondering if it was worth it. He was definitely fighting for it a lot more than me. what really changed things for me was when he went to canada for two and a half weeks in june. I thought I wouldn't hear from him, which was the norm when he would go away like that. he phoned me every single day from canada religiously, no matter where he was, or what his friends were doing. that really meant a lot to me to see him do this.

 

In ways I'd like to know what he'd say if he was to post here in response. (Without knowing it's me posting?!) I spoke to him on the phone tonight. He is extremely stressed at the moment, which is most unlike him to be honest. he has a lot going on at the moment, under pressure to raise money for charity he's with as well as meeting deadlines for this audit. for that reason I don't want to pressurise him, so I will step back and see. I'll be there for him and talk to him, but I won't go out of my way to travel to see him.

[Ms Darcy]

he has a lot going on at the moment, under pressure to raise money for charity he's with as well as meeting deadlines for this audit. for that reason I don't want to pressurise him, so I will step back and see. I'll be there for him and talk to him, but I won't go out of my way to travel to see him.

 

good plan.