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10 year itch.. (this is a long one)


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10 years ago I was 14 and met a girl. We dated for a very brief period and then I moved away. We kept in touch off and on, and my feelings for her never changed. We saw one another a scattered time or two after that, and it always felt the same, like she was that 'one'. We lost contact and she moved to the other side of the country, following that we spoke off and on for the next few years. 1 year ago I had the chance to see her, which she was also quite pleased about. We hung out for the whole night, talked and fell asleep holding hands. I asked her if I could make plans with her to see her again (as I was only in town for one day) and she said yes. A w.eek later she emailed me and said no. I broke contact for 7 months. (She later revealed to me that she wrote said email due to a manipulative ex-boyfriend, but did actually want me to come)


After 7 months I broke the silence, my band was going on tour again and I had a chance to see her I asked if we could hang out and she said yes. It would be 3 months until that date and so I started to work on it to see if perhaps I could open something bigger with her again. I text messaged her most days from the road, explaining my excitement, sharing small road stories, just generally trying to be sweet. She was mostly receptive however she had tendencies to 'go off' stating that we hardly knew one another etc.. One night we had an awful argument and I stopped all contact until she wrote me to apologize stating that I was a 'light in her otherwise dark days' and that she missed when I didn't message her. We continued talking until we actually met face to face for a grand total of 3 days.


During the 3 days she was incredibly receptive and very intimate, I had used the words 'I love you' on a few occasions until she asked me to stop as it was scaring her. While together she said it to me first. I said it a day later. She lived on literally the other side of the country and we decided we wanted to be together (much to my delight).





Long story short:

I moved here to be with her. 4 days into being here she said that she is not ready for an intimate relationship with anyone, that she loves me but she does not love herself and she does not want to put me through that. that she's 85% sure she wants to be with me forever but the little doubt she has is still too much she must be 100% sure. I have expressed to her that I think she's 'the one' on numerous occasions I believe strongly that she was overwhelmed by this. She has intimacy issues, is easily stressed out, I was aware of this before I came here, but I was willing to take it slowly (I realize I kinda shot myself in the foot on that one). Now I am living in her room, I have little money, am looking for a job. I move into a room downstairs next month but we'll still be in the same house (there are 5 other residence). I really want this to work. Suggestions?

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Have been trying to keep LC as NC is absolutely not possible. 2 days ago I left and did not come home until well after she was asleep. Yesterday she told me she was worried when I was gone so long. She has not changed our "in a relationship" status on facebook (though she does not frequent it perhaps it's just an oversight on her part)

Last night she asked me if I wanted to 'talk' I said I had better sleep, had a busy day the next day. She looked a little sad about it. I said goodnight and then walked face first into the door. We laughed together and I left.

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