iamgrl30 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Ok... so I don't know where to turn. I feel like even tho my friends are great and wanna be there and support me, i feel like i am nagging them because my relationship issues are really just consuming my life and causing me so much anxiety. but yet i don't want to break up so i am wondering if anyone can offer me something... I met this guy about 3 mos ago. and we hit it off. had a lot of good times. it was just right. and well we jumped into this relationship so fast that we didn't get to know each other. so here i am about 3 mos later finding that we have been fighting so much lately. i am not by any means and angel, but he isn't very open with his feelings or emotions. he has a stressful job as well as i do. he used to call and text me all the time and it's really just gotten a lot less. and we don't spend as much time as we should. i have said some hurtful things to him and he has too. BUT we always manage to stay together. we have decided to take things slower to get to know each other, but i feel that certain things bother me more then they should and i don't know how to tell myself to back off so that i am not stressing. he tells me that he cares about me. but it's the little things that he doesn't do anymore that hurt me the most. i feel almost like he changed and i dont' know why. i want this to work but i can't feel like this everyday. we were so good and now i feel like we are holding on for a miracle. when we are together its nice. but it's the time in between that the problems come out. i agree that i am needy. but for the emotional. not material. and he thinks that i can read his mind. he does things that he says proves he cares, but because i don't know him, i don't see the effort he swears he is making. he is hot and cold and it's frustrating and it hurts. does anyone have advice for me? i could really use some. he tells my friends that he cares so much and doesn't want to lose me. but what can i tell myself so that i can function daily. i have a full time job and a child at home and i don't want to have these feelings take over. he actually said i need to give him a chance to miss me and to chase me. but how does one do that?? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 If your honeymoon period is over and you're in major strife after just three months... Do not resuscitate. Link to comment
iamgrl30 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 really? so it's over? then why does he want to stay with me? and call so much and tell me all the time how much he cares for me? it's like he is hot and cold. but when we argue, i have broken up with him a lot. he says that has hurt him so much. so now he's taking it slow to avoid this. wouldn't it be ok to assume that he cares enough to wanna work things out? we are from 2 different walks of life and he isn't used to a girl like me and vice versa. i don't wanna give up, but i don't wanna feel like this all the time... Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 really? so it's over? then why does he want to stay with me? and call so much and tell me all the time how much he cares for me? it's like he is hot and cold. but when we argue, i have broken up with him a lot. he says that has hurt him so much. so now he's taking it slow to avoid this. wouldn't it be ok to assume that he cares enough to wanna work things out? we are from 2 different walks of life and he isn't used to a girl like me and vice versa. i don't wanna give up, but i don't wanna feel like this all the time... Honestly, it's not impossible that you can find your way together, but after everything you've said... I mean, it's not impossible that Zach Quinto is going to take me home and throw down with me, but it's (unfortunately) improbable. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 You do sound very needy hon. It sounds like you get anxious when he's not around. Then when he's around, you expect him to treat you like a princess instead of realizing that the courting phase is winding down a bit. You are expecting him to be responsible for your feelings. He's not. He is not responsible for your worries about the relationship. YOU are responsible for those feelings. Especially when you are talking about a guy who is trying to tell you gently that he needs a little space so that he can court you a bit more. If you don't shape up a bit, hon, I doubt this relationship will last. It's only been 3 months and there's a whole lot of drama and insecurity. So ... Here are some specific suggestions for what you can do: 1. Lead a meaningful life -Think of one or two activities that you love and really get into them. Plan to attend related events and to improve your skills in this area. 2. Get busy -Spend lots of time engaging in those activities when you are not with him. 3. Spend time with friends -Hang out with your friends. Have fun. Avoid discussing the relationship too much. 4. Exercise -Not only will this keep you healthy and fit, it will also keep your mind off of him and lift your mood. 5. Give yourself a "Two Week Challenge" -Do not call him -Do not text him -Do not ask him how he feels when you are together -Do not fight with him when you hang out -Do not expect him to say lovey dovey things to you -Do return calls -Do create happy memories when you are together by having lots of fun -Do share with him one or two of the interests that you have -Do let go of minor frustrations and resentment 6. Mediate for anxiety relief -Look up how to mediate on the internet; it's a world of resources -Learn how to calm your mind when you start to feel angry and anxious 7. Understand how men communicate -Look up resources about men and communication. They can give you great advice as to how to talk to your bf. ... so that's a start! Link to comment
iamgrl30 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 thank you. that is just what is going on. he isn't willing to let me go, but he wants to chase me. ok... so how do i allow myself to back off a little and let him miss me? it's so hard because he gets so crazy when he can't get a hold of me. calling and texting and sitting in my driveway for hours at a time. he seems to really care. he's been thru a lot in life and i have been too. i want it to work. in some way or another. but i have to really learn have to take a breather. i can't expect him to be open with his feelings. and i can't expect him to be all over me. he is sweet when he wants to be. but he is complicated. he thinks i need to calm down and relax. but is it wrong to want to feel like he cares about me? or feel like a priority? its the anxiety that's causing me to feel so insecure. i feel like i am so good to him and he knows it. i don't really text or call him it's usually him. how can i bring the spark back or will it never come back? should i just let it be? Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Sitting in your driveway for hours at a time? That's creepy. Link to comment
iamgrl30 Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 why does a man try so hard in the beginning and then shut down and cause unnecessary stress for the one they are with? why not break up with me? i have given him an out. and he doens't take it... Link to comment
hexaemeron Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 why does a man try so hard in the beginning and then shut down and cause unnecessary stress for the one they are with? why not break up with me? i have given him an out. and he doens't take it... Because men aren't women, babe. There's a difference between courting someone and having them. The behaviors are different. Link to comment
iamgrl30 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 i don't get the mixed signals. i don't get why he won't just let me go then. i offered him an out several times. he has no problems telling my friends how he feels and that i have hurt him. but won't open up to me. it's over isn't it? like honestly, he says one thing and his actions don't back up his words. he's so hot and cold. and it's only a couple months. you think that i should leave him? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 I think you need to decide what you want and then do it. We can't do your thinking for you hon. Link to comment
iamgrl30 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Share Posted September 17, 2009 we broke up. he wants to clear his head. doesn't want it to be forever but doesn't want to string me along until he can figure out what he has done wrong in the relationship. he doesn't want to hurt me. tells my friend he doesn't want it to be forever. but that he can't string me along until her can realize his errors and fix them. i deleted his # but he refuses to delete mine. and he still wants to see me this weekend. do u think that he is going to call? he seems to be as sad and hurt about this as i am. he is very religious and believes that God has a plan for all of us. I too am religious and put this in God's hands. but i wonder if he will miss me enough to call. or just let it be. i won't go back with him at this point. no reason to. even tho he thinks he is doing the right thing by letting me go so he can clear his head without hurting me anymore, it's just hard because i am a big girl and can make my own decisions. he feels that he is the man and he doesn't want to hurt me while he works things out in his head. is he going to call? and please tell me how the NC rule works or even helps... Link to comment
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