Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Well, some may have been following my past threads. My age-gap long distance relationship. We've had ups and downs, and last weekend was a downer because she felt "betrayed" that I had gone so quickly back to my parents' so shortly after she left, after how hurt I was by them, and my girlfriend considered going there cheating. I was pretty appalled and tried to tell her that I was not happy with what they did, and it was far from forgotten (and, when feeling stronger, I will bring it up again), but that I refused to feel like a villain. I mean, I can't hold a grudge against my parents. So I told her that I wouldn't break up with her because of my parents, but I can't break up with my parents either. Anyway, when she had said all she had to say, I told her that I was so sorry she was feeling that way, and that I definitively do remember my parent's actions, and will talk about it again, and sent her a song saying how much she meant to me... And I really meant it. So today, my parents came by my place, which they pay for, not me, so I guess it does give them the right to come. And they saw that my girlfriend had left a good amount of stuff behind, and they didn't like this at all. So my father saw it as encroaching and it's just too much. In the end it's up to me. My father said: "tell her your father didn't lend you the apartment to store other people's stuff. She's just trying to have a hold on you and "claim" her territory." But at the same time, despite feeling sad at looking at her stuff, I kinda didn't mind her stuff too much. I'm so torn... Who do I side with on this one? They told me to tell my girlfriend to find a hotel next time she comes. But I didn't mind her coming here last time, which is why I let her, but then again, I didn't know she would leave so much of her stuff behind... I feel like my head is going to explode. So I told my girlfriend today that something had happened, but didn't have the guts to tell her that my parents came by, etc, so now she's probably feeling all anxious and I feel like stabbing myself in the gut... so sick with myself for doing this to her and to myself... All this after she giving me, what she thought, was the nice surprise of her coming back here in between our next planned meeting, which would've been a long month away. What am I doing? I want to stay committed (because I love her so much) but I'm afraid to commit (because sincerely, I know it's not going to last forever, and ending it further down the line might be much more trouble). It's too much torture. Please help me, urgently. Some think that what she did over the weekend was reason enough to break up (expecting me to hold a grudge against my parents and calling it cheating)... And I know if I tell her what happened today with my father, she will most likely dump me, especially if I tell her I had to hide her stuff and that she should take it with her next time... It's too much... I am seeing my psychotherapist twice this week.. I already saw him today and it didn't help much, I'm feeling so hopeless and sad. I told my girlfriend I would write an email after I sorted the thoughts in my head... What to write? Surely it will not end well. She will most likely dump me, I will still have her stuff here and has two trips planned for here already, and she's in friggin europe, says she'd have to pay a penalty fee to cancel/change, and how will she pick her stuff up? I want to die a quick death now... Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 it hurts so much... she has made so many positive changes in my life, and over the weekend I couldn't believe what was going on with her being so angry at me for going back to my parents and I thought if she cooled off, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker just because everything else she has done for me would make up for it... when she cooled off, it was such a relief to me: maybe she had come to her senses. I was thinking maybe things were going to get better. But now I'm feeling so much ambiguity in my head and I don't know what to believe anymore... I'm so sad, scared, alone, hurt. I don't know what to do. Again (I think I already said this), I told her I would write her. Don't know what to write, though. Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Guess I'm on my own... writing the email already. Don't think I will sleep and will just cry all night... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 Can you just clarify something for me? Are you saying that she was mad at you for going to your parents after she left? Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Can you just clarify something for me? Are you saying that she was mad at you for going to your parents after she left? Yes... I know, unreasonable. But except for that, she had been the best thing that had happened to me in my life... she has brought so many good things to my life. I decided to forgive her if she would cool off. She was mad because I took her to meet my mother, and my mother just hid in her room and wouldn't even receive her as a guest. I was hurt... But then I had to go back and drop off a book for my brother. I didn't want to come in to be hurt again. My mother took it like i was running off with some woman I had barely just met and my father called really angry and I had to go to apologize, which my girlfriend found humiliating and depressing. I did, however, tell my mother I was hurt. I already sent the email and talked to her... She insists on coming here sooner than planned, even though I told her that I needed to focus on my grades. She insists that she didn't hurt my grades and said "So you're breaking up with me?". I said "no"... And I just didn't have the courage to tell her that i kinda need space and need things to slow down a bit too... I expected to get dumped... I don't know what to do. Help... She suffers, I suffer. Sometimes I think I should just straight up say "I think we have to end it" because she would be happier, I would be happier... Please help! Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 It's too much... When she said "So you're breaking up with me?" because I said that I needed to focus in school more and that it would be best for her not to come before planned, I couldn't say 'yes.' It's so difficult. I'm more destroyed now than I was before... so horrible. I feel so horrible... She's suffering now, and blames it on my parents, because I told her that they didn't want her stuff here, and that she couldn't stay here anymore if she came back, etc... Who is right? Are my parents really brainwashing me? Or is it her? I feel so horrible... What do I do? My father's last words during our last conversation: "She will insist on coming, but you have to stand your ground. And whatever happens, I will do anything for you. I will fight for you." I went with what he said but if I had stuck to it 100%, she would've "broken up with me" (although the way she put it "So, you're breaking up with me?" it sounds like it's me dumping her... I just wanted her to consider that i need to focus on school and i'm still dependent on my parents, and if she couldn't understand, she could dump me, but I don't want to be the one "dumping" here...). I don't know who to trust. Part of me says that for some reason, I trusted her, and before telling my parents about her, it was unreal: a dream come true. But I dunno if my parents are giving me a reality check, or if they just oppose our relationship because of the age-gap. I don't know... I feel like I want to stab my brains out. I wish I could just turn to stone and not think anymore. Just for a few minutes at least... Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I just had a panic attack and don't know what to do anymore... I'm so sad I couldn't sleep, really. It's so cold... everything is so cold. I feel so horrible. What do I do? Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 Omg, what do I do? It is so horrible... Will I have to flat out break up with her? Kill the most beautiful thing in my life and end up as a villain? But my motives? My motives are that if I don't end it, both of us are going to just keep suffering and suffering... Would I truly be the villain? I wish I could just turn to stone or drop out of the face of the earth... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 I think this is a very weird and unhealthy situation. I do think your parents are overreacting a little but I can understand why they are concerned about you. Considering this womans age, she is very immature and unreasonable. I don't know of any stable, healthy adult who would act like that. I think you know that deep down the best thing to do would be to end things with this woman. For a relationship that you know isn't going to last forever anyway, it is causing you far too much stress. Obviously her coming to visit again soon with have an effect on your grades because she will expect you to spend every second with her, her unwillingness to understand this suggests to me that she really doesn't care about you at all and is just thinking of herself and her needs. What happens if you fail? You will be left with nothing when the relationship finally does come to an end. If you can't find it within you to end this now, then at least stick to your guns and don't allow her to come down until you have the time to spend with her. Focus on your schooling right now. Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 15, 2009 Share Posted September 15, 2009 dude you are worrying waaaaay too much!! I think more people would reply if you werent posting so much on your own threads. You definitly need to stop believing everything your parents or anyone tell you. How are you supposed to live your life without experiance. You need to stop living through your parents. If your happy with this woman, you live your own life. You cant have your parents decide everything for you or you will be miserable. If anything, all of your insecurities and depression are because of your parents influence. You need to be an adult and make up your own mind. Your stressed out so much because your letting yourself be stressed out. Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 drew: You're right, I am stressed out because I've made myself stressed out... However, my parents do kind of have a point: something I felt since a month ago: this relationship moved too fast. And it's still doing it. She left stuff here, basically as if she were to move in, but we've only been together for 3 months... At the same time I love her and want to keep the relationship, but it was too much too fast... I think I will have to end it, like theshoefairy said... theshoefairy: It's scary, because my parents think she might be too obsessed with me. My psychotherapist said that all new love relationships have a degree of obsession, but after I told him that I'm worried this woman constantly shuns her job, he thinks it might be more on the too obsessive side. I sent her and email and there has been no outburst so far. I'm guessing either we are negotiating successfully, or she's trying to convince me that I'm wrong... but it's not ALL of what my parents say... it's not. Some things I felt in my gut (the moving too fast thing). And I told her this on my email. Yet, I think even if she wants to try to negotiate, something else will happen. I already doubt myself on how much I can trust her being so far away so long, especially both of us knowing (or at least I THINK she knows) that it's not going to last forever. I'll get myself into another std paranoia fit or maybe a cheating paranoia fit... And maybe it's best to end it before then... Hope she'll see it this way. Even if we try to work it out and looks successful in the beginning, something will go bump in my head. I'm just not relationship material for ANYONE, let alone an age-gap, long distance relationship. Not right now... not before I get some serious psychotherapy, and maybe even some meds... Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 More bad news: My father called and asked if I had given my girlfriend a key to my place. I told him the truth: "yes" and he said he would change the locks and I told him I didn't think it was necessary and that we should wait first but he said that it's better to do it now than regret it later... I just don't think my girlfriend would harm me... this is too much. This is so horrible. I am on the verge of falling into madness and there's too much conflict around me and inside me... Around me it's my parents and my girlfriend, both pulling and pulling, and I know damn well that it's up to me, but sometimes I'm to torn apart inside and don't know what to believe. I think I will have to break up. The reason isn't my parents. The reason isn't my girlfriend. The reason is me: I am in no condition for this and I guess I'm not strong enough. Not right now anyways... Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 talked to my father. It wasn't about her being crazy. It didn't even come up. But I am convinced that I must end it. From what he said, I 100% agree with one thing: it's the best for both her and me, and she will thank me one day. He doesn't know all the reasons why I agree with this (the fact that I constantly drag her down with me when something in my personal life goes wrong, for example). It's the best for both of us... Link to comment
drewciouS281 Posted September 16, 2009 Share Posted September 16, 2009 well do what you gotta do man. First off though, just cause a relationship moves fast at first doesnt mean that it can slow down and still maintain a healty relationship. My girl and i moved really fast. she practically moved in after 2 months of dating, now she stays half the time at my house, half the time at my parents. Some time and space is good. If you want to back things up, just tell her you need some time to figure things out. Link to comment
Stinkweed Posted September 16, 2009 Author Share Posted September 16, 2009 well do what you gotta do man. First off though, just cause a relationship moves fast at first doesnt mean that it can slow down and still maintain a healty relationship. My girl and i moved really fast. she practically moved in after 2 months of dating, now she stays half the time at my house, half the time at my parents. Some time and space is good. If you want to back things up, just tell her you need some time to figure things out. Yeah, I know it could slow down. With this woman I could see it happen, but so many effed up things have happened (with my parents and all) that I think it will just be more suffering for both of us. Link to comment
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