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What to do, I am honestly confused (very long post)


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I will begin by apologizing as this will be very long, but the back story needs to colour my relationship and explain its present state (which is that it is no longer standing).


I met my now ex-girlfriend while we were at university in Montreal. Both of us are American. She was a Sophomore and I was a Senior. We met in February and really began dating in April. As this is going to get very personal, I will begin now. I took her virginity. In June, without having a plan after graduation and a really big (but lovable) dog to care for, I broke up with her. I had no idea where I was headed and I didn't want her to wait or for me to be tied down.


We spoke a few times over the summer of 2005. She was living with her grandfather in Florida at the time. On her drive back, she stopped in Maryland and we spent sometime together (about a day) and she progressed to her father's house in New Jersey. Soon there after Hurricane Katrina happened and I volunteered. I ended up running a shelter kitchen for about 200 people. While there I realized how much this one woman meant to me. We spoke a few times while I was down there and at the end of my tenure, I told her I loved her. Immediately after my stint, I took a bus from Gulfport, MS to Montgomery, AL, a plane to Washington DC, and a train to Montreal. I spent about a week there with her. I absolutely fell in love with her.


The next month she got drunk at a party and slept with someone I knew. It took me a long tome to accept this, but I did. From then on we spoke everyday. That summer (summer of 2006) her father would not let her stay with him and her stepmother, so she stayed with my mother and I in Maryland, rent free with no obligation for expenses. As a matter of fact I paid my mother extra for her to stay there.


She stayed the summer and then went back for her senior year. The long distance relationship continued. Every long weekend or vacation day was either her planning to come down or me coming up. I would count down the days until we would see each other. Finally, when she graduated, I had moved from Maryland to Staten Island with a few college friends. I moved her in with me. After 6 months we moved to an apartment together (with the dog). We lived in Jersey and both worked in Manhattan at this time. Last summer she tried to break up with me, saying "I want to see and meet other people." She knew (and knows) I am all-or-nothing. We were very emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially connected to each other.


That was a matter of a really bad night, but a great morning. We reconciled and were stronger. A few months later, she kept saying how she wanted to move to a better apartment. She wanted a washer and dryer in the apartment by her 25th birthday. So, like moving from Staten Island to Jersey City, I found an apartment, paid the security deposit, initial rent, etc. And we moved. I fully expected to be there for a year. We were now in a 4 year relationship. The first thing I did when we moved into the new place was carve our names into the basement support saying, "XXXXX & XXXXX's first real house. Many more to come. I love you XXXX"


Well, 2.5 months into the new lease, she flew out to California to meet her brother. The day she came back she said she was no longer my girlfriend and she wanted to meet other people.


I did not handle this well. I was so in love with her. Literally the next day, she was promoted at her office and I found out my mother's boyfriend was arrested. (Seriously, who gets arrested?) - He eventually got off, but the timing was awful. Then three days later I find out I have basel cell carcinoma (for thoses keeping score that is skin cancer).


As I had my dog, and could not afford the rent alone (The dog does not take to strangers well and he is big.) So she kept the apartment. We had to live together for 6 weeks together, no longer as a couple. I was a needy mess. I was physically ill from the stress and the sickness and I know that drover her much further away. I just couldn't believe how after 4.5 years it was over. Especially after we just moved! I antagonized her a bit as she began staying out later and later (to avoid me and enjoy her new life) and often not coming home. This killed me. We went from emails everyday to her avoiding me. She was honest in the break up and said she just wants to be single and free and be on her own.


However, she let the new roommate move his stuff in the weekend before I left as all of my stuff (half f everything we bought together) was piled into the kitchen. The last two weeks were miserable. I just wanted to be with her, but she began dating. I had politely asked her to at least wait until I was out of the house (I know this may have not been fair, but knowing she was going out was killing me). The tension was got worse. She was flaunting going out and even asked me how she looked as she went on a date (asking if she should wear this dress or those shorts!). A few times the tension was so great that she came and hit me (quite a bit). There was some provoking, but the first time she did this was on her birthday, which was about 2 weeks after "the talk". I had planned this whole getaway, flowers, cake, beach side bed and breakfast. Instead, she went to work and went out drinking with her office. I had no problem with this at all, but then she came home and demanded pizza. I made her pizza. I sat on the couch and she proceeded to call me a "big sissy fagot" (that is what her brother calls me apparently.) Then she proceeded to call me worthless, a failure, weak, pathetic. I know she was drunk, but I demanded an apology. She never gave me one.


Then I asked again and she brokedown saying I would not leave her alone. She called her father at midnight crying hysterically. I called back to diffuse the situation. I have never hurt her and NEVER will. I spoke to the step mother for 45 minutes explaining that I had to move, that I no longer had a home (as I could not live home with my mother - I could not live with friends (because of the dog)) Everything I had, was in this house and I needed to make some logical decision to get out, but was bound by a lot of factors.


Well moving day came and my mother came up to move the dog in her car. She did not come home until 5 am. This is after the nights that I had to sleep on the new roommates futon as she was sleeping at a guys house that she said and I knew she was interested in. My mind had gone crazy thinking of what was going on. The movers came, and just before we left my mother spoke to her for a few minutes (I had asked her not to, but she did and saw my girlfriend as a bit of a daughter as we had been together for so long and she had lived with us for that summer). By the time I went to say good bye she was crying a lot. I sat down and said I didn't want this and that I really did lover her. Oh man, did I cry too. This was the love of my life that had taken that love away from me.


We hugged and kissed and hugged again. I walked down the stairs and said "I love you." She responded by saying "I love you too". That night, in my new apartment, she texted me saying "I feel guilty how everything happened" I didn't respond. The next night she called me. I didn't pick up right away, but called her back a few minutes later. It was the same thread, "I am sorry how this all happened....." A few days later she texted me again saying, "I am really sorry how this all happened. I wish your mom didn't come up. Want to go to dinner on Tues?" I was very unsure at first what to make of this, but realized that she wanted to feel good about herself and not feel like the bad guy and almost get my blessing and acceptance of it being over. I was and am really hurt. The next day she emailed me asking if I got the text. I said dinner is fine but Tuesday is bad. She responed quickly saying how about the weekend. The weekend came and she emailed me saying that she didnt feel well so eating was out.


I was honestly busy (I had a date on Friday - don't really feel comfortable dating, but it gets me out of the house, a long doctors appointment on Saturday, and a funeral on Sunday). She responed to me saying I was busy by "I don't need your too-cool-bothered-attitude, I was trying to stay friends, but you don't seem interested." DAMN right I can't be friends now, you tore my heart out and to not be with you romantically and intimately would kill me now. Sunday we texted about bills that came in and the money she owes me.


Then After the Sunday "Business call" she called back and said, "I don't understand why you need space. I just want to clear the air. What you did to me on my birthday was horrible. It was the worst I have ever had. Those six weeks made me miserable and stressed and sick (she was so stressed that a condition she has flared up). I am so resentful of you now. I was looking for closure but this is it. We;re done I have no interest in being friends. You and your white trash mother. I yelled back that to never call my mother white trash, that I never said anything about her mother who was unemployed most tof the time I knew her and lived in her car at one point. Once Christmas, the now ex went to florida to visit her grandfather and her mother stayed with me so she wouldn't be alone. (I am Jewish, si I just liked the day off). But this was some audacity.


I guess with this ridiculously long passage, I don't know what to do. I still lover her. I am not sure if I am in love with her (but if I see her I will still be.) I need to do what is best for me, which is something I have not done in years. I ALWAYS put her first (even above my dog- shame on me - I love my pup). I know I am not ready to see her for me. I know she just doesn't want to feel guilty. We meant a lot to each other for a very long time, but I can't just be friends. I told her, we could be friends when emotionally I am at the same level she is in this acceptance. Once that happens I would love to have lunch or go to a museum or whatever, something as friends. I am just not there yet. It has only been two weeks since the official move out and I have not physically seen her since. I miss her every day, but why has she become so resentful, so mean. I know people grow apart - although I wish we could have grown together, but I am slowly accepting this.


Why can't she accept that I am still hurting and need to recollect myself? Why is she so mad? Because I have almost trained her that I would always do what she wants/needs to feel better? And I am not doing that now. i know the guilt hurts. She really would not be where she is without me. She has done a lot on her own, but she could not have moved or found a job, or paid the bills without me. I really am proud of her accomplishments, but she is not the same person.


If anyone has read this whole thing, fantastic, can you comment. I just want to read anonymous comments - my friends are tired of this.

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Wow, that's one helluva story. It really sucks that all of that happened to you in such a short period of time, and what's even worse is how she abandoned you when you needed her most(I mean hell, you were diagnosed with cancer). You don't need that kind of BS in your life, clearly 4.5 years means nothing to her, or she is pretending it meant nothing.


But flaunting her new "life" in front of you, while you're still there, is just complete and total disrespect. If she truly loved/loves you, then she would have tried and at least made it less painful for you, but obviously she doesn't care or is pretending not to care about you. But honestly, she is purposefully hurting you, and that says a lot.


The best thing to do would be to move out, delete EVERYTHING to do with contacting her (so you don't get any urges to), and try and pick up the pieces with the people who are always there for you (your family).


You deserve better than that. A lot better. It'll hurt like hell, but things will eventually get better. For now, never contact her again once you move out. Give her what she deserves, nothing.

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being friends after a breakup that isn't mutual (and they rarely are) is not healthy.


it is not a friendship - it is her trying to string you along and keep you interested while she goes out and plays the field. then she can run back to you whenever things get rough. it would only be you wanting more and her not, and that doesn't sound like a good friendly time.


it's unfair of her to ask, and you should not oblige.

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Wow, what a nightmare.


Yeah, forget the whole friendship thing. I think you need to get some distance and try to process everything that happened. Some of what you described sounds downright abusive. She had no reason to be so mean. I predict (and hope) that when it all sinks in, you'll feel good and angry about it because this will help you get beyond the mourning phase.


You asked why she's having trouble understanding why you're hurting. First, she seems to have trouble with empathy in general. (Has she always been like this?) Second, she's probably trying hard not to feel bad about herself and admitting that you have reason to be hurt would make that more difficult. Third, she's afraid to be alone (even though that's what she wanted) and she'd like to have you there for security---she's tantruming a little because she's not getting what she wants. The best thing you can do is let her go and see how much she enjoys the life she's chosen for herself. My guess is, she won't. But I hope you've already found someone who can treat you right before she figures that out.

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She has emailed me a number of times and called a few times now. Usually when she calls we argue. I have not initiated any contact. She is now demanding that we meet each other to "clear the air." I have told her that "at some point I would like to be friends, but right now I can't. I need to be at the same place you are to accept this. I still love you and am still in love with you, and seeing you would set me back. I need to get over you before I can see you." She doesn't seem to accept this. She found that I am moving back to the city (lived with her in Hoboken, moved to Brooklyn and hated it - so now I am moving back to Hoboken), and said she is sick of MY games. I didn't feel I needed to tell her that I was moving back. It was not for her, but for me to feel comfortable in an environment that I liked and for my dog, who has dog parks and other 4 legged friends again.

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