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Not sure if I should be upset with my long-term boyfriend.. Please read

tanya12

By tanya12
in Relationship Advice

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tanya12 Newbie

tanya12

Posted
Posted

Hello all, I've been with my boyfriend just over 2 years. We live together and have been talking alot about getting married and having kids here lately, so the relationship is very serious.

 

His birthday is on Tuesday and he was thinking about going out yesterday with 4 of his cousins to celebrate. Usually when they go out together, it's only for a couple hours and he comes right home. Yesterday, we were working around the house and his cousin called to see if he was coming out. I told my boyfriend that I did not feel like going out and that he should go without me. So he did. I expected him to be home by 10ish like usual, but he was not. I did not feel like getting all dressed up to just go out for a couple hours. I feel asleep and woke back up around 1:15 am, he still was not home. I knew the place they were going to closed at 1, so I called him to see why he wasn't home. When I called him I heard a girl in the background, I asked who it was and he said it was "Diana". All of his cousins had went home except 1. So he was at another bar with his one cousin and "Diana". I guess he had called her after the other cousins left and asked her to come hang out with him.

 

He didn't call me and asked if I wanted to come. Had I known it was going to be an all night event, I definitely would have came out.

 

I know of Diana, but have never met her. They have never dated or anything, always just been friends. She is now dating one of his good friends, so I know nothing is happening between them and nothing would.

 

He finally came home around 2am, didn't talk to me, just came to bed.

 

The reason I am upset is because I have never met this girl. He was supposed to be home after a couple hours, but instead he was out all night and in the company of this girl. Didn't even ask me to come.

 

Am I wrong to be mad about this? He and I have always been very respectful to each other and I never hang out with guy friends without him and he has never done this before without me. I'm very mad at him for this but he seems to think he did nothing wrong.

 

I'm just looking to get some unbiased advice.. Thanks!

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_Asti_ Community Regular

_Asti_

Posted
Posted

Did you ask him specifically if he will only be a few hours, or did you just assume?

 

For him, you said you didn't want to go out, did you not? Whether it was a few hours, or all night, to him it was clear you didn't want to go out.

 

He did ask you go out, you declined it.

 

I don't see whats wrong here.

 

You could have clarified things better before he left, questioned how long he was going to be, if things changed, to phone you..etc.

He can't read your mind.

To him, you didn't want to go out, so therefore he left it alone.

 

I see nothing wrong.

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lady00 Grand Master

lady00

Posted
Posted

Well, he did not go out with her alone, right? He went out with her and one of his cousins. Unless you have reason to doubt that one of his cousins was also there, I don't see the problem. He probably didn't call you because you had already said you didn't want to go out and he probably did not want to wake you up.

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HouseKitten Contributor

HouseKitten

Posted
Posted

I'd agree with the other posters saying he most likely assumed since you'd said 'I don't want to go out' that you actually didn't want to go out. Perhaps if the conversation had been more like 'I don't feel like getting dressed up just for a couple of hours, if it's going to be a long night though then I'll come!' then there wouldn't be this misunderstanding.

 

If your relationship is otherwise smooth then I see no reason to worry. Again as others have said: he can't read your mind. If you say one thing, expect that to be the thing that he assumes is what you mean. Don't expect him to try and double-guess you.

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pinkrobot Collaborator

pinkrobot

Posted
Posted
Well, I'm a little confused because he would be fuming if I had went out and called one of my guy friends to come hang out. Whether we were by ourselves or not.

 

This isn't about what he would have done had you swapped places. This is about what you're doing now that it's happened with him.

 

If it upsets you, the only way to resolve it is to talk to him about it. However, I do agree with most of the other posters here. You said yourself he "usually" only goes out for a couple of hours with his cousins, showing that you only assumed that was the plan without actually asking. And if you have nothing to worry about as far as trusting him, why does the presence of this other girl bother you so much?

 

If I was going out with a group of people and my boyfriend said he didn't want to go out, I wouldn't call him up later in the night and ask him to come out--that would feel like pressuring him or pestering him. Maybe your boyfriend never called you and asked you for a similar reason.

 

Anyway, I think you're overreacting a little. Like I said, if it really bothers you then you have to talk to him about it. That's just how it works. But if you really think about it you might realize you don't have much of a right to be upset.

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HouseKitten Contributor

HouseKitten

Posted
Posted

Why does this girl bother you exactly?

 

I mean seriously - I do understand and sometimes suffer from irrational jealousy so whatever you say is not a big shock to me. I was at my worst with my ex and I hated most of his ex-girlfriends, no matter how distant, and I could be crazy over any girl he knew being slightly too affectionate towards him for the smallest period of time.

 

Luckily after we broke up I managed to grow up a bit and work on that side of myself, but I still get how stupid and angry it can make you feel - you can't fully explain exactly why you feel the way you do, and in some cases you find yourself fishing for real reasons to cause problems over another girl just because you can't pin down the actual reason you dislike her.

 

So is there an actual reason she makes you uncomfortable? Or is this jealousy of the undefined type?

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_Asti_ Community Regular

_Asti_

Posted
Posted
Maybe I'm upset because he has never invited her out on the nights we have went out together, but the first time I'm not with him, she is the first person he calls. In the 2 years we have been together he has never tried to hang out with her.

 

And have you told him that?

 

What's done is done. Talk to him for further reference, and maybe make a point to meet her with him.

 

If this is a first time occurrence, speak up and set the 'boundaries' on what is acceptable and what is not for the two of you.

 

She's dating one of his friends, my guy has spent time with his buddy's girlfriend..and even when they broke up..he still goes out and meets her. It's a friend. I've never felt threatened or jealous, or bothered by it.

There's a level of trust in our relationship to know that she's a friend, and only a friend.

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_Asti_ Community Regular

_Asti_

Posted
Posted
Hmmm.. I have no reason to be jealous... He texts her and talks to her on the phone sometimes.. I'm fine with it. I don't know, I just feel like it's not right for him to hang out with her when I'm not with him especially since her and I have never even met.

 

Well you and him have different views on what is acceptable and what isn't then. So figure out what is and isn't.

 

So if suddenly you met her, it would be fine if he hung out with her? So make it happen, let him know, and go out the four of you.

 

If she's a friend to him, and he sees nothing wrong with it, the problem lies on your side, and something you need to figure out.

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