Help, Please read!

[dveillon]

I met this woman last year and we have been dating and we stopped seeing each other in December. We have kept contact and talk almost every day. Well 2 weeks ago I suggested that we go out to dinner and she happily excepted.

 

We went to a very nice dinner and as we were eating she made a comment that she wished I was sitting closed to her. We held hands and from there we went to a really nice cool bar to have a few drinks. She kept telling me ho nice I looked and kissing me. I took her back to my houes and she made the comment that we were incredible together in bed. We left it at that and she went home.

 

Since then I have asked her out and she has rejected my offers. So I talked to her on Friday and mentioned that some friends and I were meeting at a bar. I did not think she would even show up. Well I got a call from her when I was almost there and she said that they were there waiting on me. So when I got there we sat and had a few drinks, just like friends would do and then she said she had to go see some oether friends at a club accross the street. So I gave her a hug and she kissed me good night. Per her conversaion with me she only wants to be friends so I did not read into it anymore more than that. She did not ask me to go to the other bar with her.

 

So after that I girl I had met a few weeks ago called and said she wanted to come meet me. SHe came out and we were drinking and having a really good time. We ended up kissing on the dance floor.

 

Later that night on my way home I got a text message on my phone from my ex that stated this.

 

"Hey we went back and u were kissing on a brunette. So we left. Be Careful"

 

So when I got the message I called her back at 3am and told her that it was just a kiss and I am sorry she seen it. She said she was a little upset over it.

 

The next day she called me and said she should have not been mad and that she had a few drinks in her. I said again I am sorry she seen that because I was not trying to make her jealous that I did not even know she came back.

 

My question is this. I really like her, but I have came to the realization that I am not what she wants. I would like to get back together with her. We are friends because we work in the same builing.

 

Should I play the non-contact game with her? I do not want to read to much into her actions. Somethimes she can be super nice to me, touchy feely like dinner 2 weeks ago and getting a little jealous over like over the weekend, other times she can be cold as ice and just be very short with me.

 

I am 32 y/o and she is 36 so i do not wanna play this game of does she like me or does she not. BTW I also told her how I feel a while back and she was just as cold as is.

 

Please give me some advice.

 

Thanks,

D

[lisaria]

Hey D,

Heaven forbid if things should run smoothly in life.

Has she ever told you how she feels? In my humble opinion she seems to be playing with you. If she's hot one minute and then cold the next she's certainly keeping you on your toes. I would advise the No Contact rule. I know it's hard, but it's the only way to step back and look at this whole thing and try to get a hand on it and take your power back.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would you feel that you had to call her because you were kissing on some brunette and she saw? Do you have some kind of agreement? Have you ever asked her how she feels? I know you told her how you feel but what does she say? Either way, try no contact for at least a month.

The important thing is to look strong. Women respect strong men and it is easier to love a strong man than a weak one. Same with men, they don't want a clingy, needy woman/child hanging on to their pants leg and we women don't want that in our men. And if you are not a couple DO NOT call to explain why you are with another girl. Better yet, let her see you with another girl and don't explain it for pete's sake. But don't use the other girl either, be honest. You'd be surprised how understanding we can be when you're honest. I've done it for a friend. Been out and saw their ex g/f so I just put my arm around them and just acted like they were the best thing to happen since airplane travel. It's fun actually. And I've had it done for me too. Ahhh games....

I hope that things work out the way you want them to. If you feel the need to rant or rave, we are always here. It's a great site to come to instead of contacting her.

Lisa

[clarabel]

You need to find out one way or another how she feels as you are obviously getting very mixed signals from her. If you feel you have spoken to her before & she went cold then is there a mutual friend who could talk to her for you - just generally - & find out if she wants friendship or more or is it that she just doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you either.

 

If it is the latter then you must be given the chance to move on with your life & find happiness with someone else as you deserve to be happy.

 

You may not like what you find out but you need to know one was or the other otherwise you are going to go mad & it could mess up your work relationship.

[dveillon]

Thanks to both of you for replyng. Well the first thing is I broke my rule of never dating anyone at work. We see each other , but not often. So I could use the no contact rule. Let me answer some of your questions first.

 

1) She told me how she felt in December when she broke up with me and that is I am not for her but she said I am an incredible guy. She has also said that she has missed me several times over the last few months. The way I look at it I do not want to ask her again how she feels.

 

2) Our agreement was that we are not together so we can do whatever we want. I made it a point to not have any girls around when she was out as to not make her feel uncofortable, but when she left I assumed it's ok since the other one was bored and she did want to come meet me. I am not playing 2 woman either since I have just met the other one.

 

3) I told her how a felt right after our date a few weeks ago. That is when it went cold again. Her simple reply to me was thanks for telling me.

 

I can do the no contact, but she likes to call me and see how I am doing, she will IM me at work since we work for the same company. So should I just avoid all IM's from her and if I pass her just ignore her?

 

I also think she has a big trust issue since her ex physically and emotially abused her. She has been divorced for 5 years. She has told me before that it is hard for her to love again.

 

She will also not confide in me in anything. She does have a guy friend that lives 4 hours away, which is fine, that she confides in, but I am left out in the dark in less I specifically ask about something.

 

OK Sorry that was long. I guess I am just at a loss with her. So is no contact a good thing still and what happens if she does try to contact me?

[dveillon]

Well what do you do when you are not supposed to contact them, but they contact you in less than 24 hours. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM Does anyone have any insight. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SteveNaive]

Well, I will make me some enemies with that, however I think no cantact does not mean no contact at all. It just means do not initiate it. If she wants to contact you, let her...you set the conditions however.

Then again, no contact is not a sort of sorcery that will make her come back automatically... It is supposed to make her miss you and to give you some time off. But seeing as she already does miss you...

Well...put it that way, you set the rules for hte contact.

[dveillon]

OK So now I am just being very polite when she writes and acting busy. Well I went to lunch but did not put my away message up. So she sent me an IM and I did not answer because I was not there. So she called me on my cell phone to ask me a very simple question that really could have waited until i got back. I did take the call and was very brief. As soon as I got back to work and signed in she hit me again.

 

It's kinda hard to play this no contact when they are calling you and IMing you.

 

She I just be nice and relaxed and not mention anything about us or what I am up to these days?

 

I must say it is really nice to be able to talk to total strangers and fell very open. It was really nice to find this site.

[Hannibal]

In response to your question, I would try to aviod taking her ims all together, if its really urgent then she will come and talk to you. When she phones you i would suggest telling her that you cant talk right now and ask her to phone back later. This way she becomes the one making all the contact while you appear to be busy all the time and fine by yourself. I would avoid talking about the two of you at all costs, its hard i know (im doing it right now myself and it drives me nuts). Instead just come on here and let it all out or go out with a friend and talk to them about it, sometimes i find that i want to talk to her about our relationship but i know i cant do it because then it makes me seem to needy and pushes her farther away then before. instead of doing this i just try to get it out as much as possible to either here or to someone else.

[dveillon]

I think that is some great advice Hannibal, I don't think I wanna ignore her though on IM, maybe just be short when she ask me a question, but nice.

 

I do not plan on making contact with her first anytime soon. I will let her do all the contact. I told her after our last date that it is her turn to ask me to go do something, I will pay of course but she needs to say I want to go do something.

 

As for as the phone I totally agree. I think it's great to just tell her I am busy at the moment, but I will call her back.

 

Thanks for the advice