I am an EXTREMELY jealous girlfriend..and it's ruining everything =[

[Bethanyliz]

First and foremost, i have ocd, no not the kind where i constantly wash my hands or need to step on the stairs a certain number of times or something really bad will happen. The kind where my thoughts overcome EVERYTHING. anyways, i thought i would say that first.

 

Now, i am also extremely jealous. I come up with things in my head that my boyfriend "must" be doing. He must be off at some girls house when he tells me he is doing something else. I get extremely jealous when he even talks to any girl online. I try to just hold it in, but anyone who knows anything about anger knows that it's almost impossible to keep it bottled up, so i end up asking what he's saying which results in him not showing me, which then makes me think he's got something to hide, which turns into a huge fight. I'm alway afraid that he's staying up talking to people after he gets done talking to me and says he is going to bed, which makes me thing, "well why isn't he up talking to me? why are they special? why is he talking to them?" like he is up purposely talking to them when i feel I should be getting the special treatment and if he is up I should be the one he talks to first. (Keep in mind i don't even know that he does this, it's just something i'm worrying about today and am going to worry about it until I get to ask him when he gets home from work...blah =[) I've even been jealous of his sister.

 

Today a girl he knows was getting kicked out of her house and he wanted to let her come stay in his, with just him and her, while he pays for most rent for her to stay there, which made me FURIOUS. I'm sure that most girlfriends would hate that too, or wouldn't be okay with it, but it made me so angry...Why would he even consider it? I told him that if he let her then I was done with him because I can't handle that. Anyways, he ended up saying no (thank god because I probably would have had to admit myself into the hospital so i didn't freak out) But now i sit here and wonder why he talks to her so much, and what they talk about and why he feels the need to talk to her when i'm there, and why he checks so often to see if she says anything and if he stays up late talking to her. It just goes on and on....and it drives me crazy..

 

helllp?? =[[[

[oh.so.lonely]

Is this girl a good friend of his? Otherwise, why else would he be spending so much of his time talking to her or chatting with her, and not you? If she is, then I wouldn't consider it to be a problem and it's safe to say, that you are over-reacting. But... if this is just some random girl that he's been talking to lately, then I'd be mindful.

 

Most people will tell you that you're over-reacting... but only you can gauge the situation. Follow your gut. If you think he's going behind your back, then chuck him out the window. If you care enough for this guy, and he treats you like this, even when he knows it bothers you, then you deserve someone better.

 

From what you've said, it seems to me that your jealousy is all attributed to anger, because you don't like how he's "going behind your back", etc... Before you even waste your time getting angry, make sure he's actually doing that. There's no point in ruining your sanity and a perfectly good relationship if this is all made up. Sit down with him. Have a talk. Tell him about your concerns and if he's sincere, then he'll assure you that you can trust him - and that sure be good enough. Unless you have trust issues... and that's a whole other story. But for now, have a talk with him. The best way to resolve situations like this is through communication.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[SapphireNoir10]

Are you recieving treatment for your OCD or seeing a therapist? Perhaps you could talk to your counsellor/therapist about your jealousy issues?

 

Normally I'd tell you to relax, that hes with you, not these other girls and if he wanted to cheat/play the field he'd be single.

 

Does he treat you well?

[Meow18]

I guess it would bother me too if my guy lived on his own and offered for a female to live with him. But, I could also understand if she was having serious issues at her current place and couldn't find anywhere else to stay.. that's a tough one. I guess it would just depend on the friend..

 

As you know, if you don't get over your jealousy issue, you will lose your boyfriend. It's ok to be jealous to an extent, but if your mind is making you crazy and you can't trust him just based off of things you are creating in your mind, then you will go crazy.

 

Why do you think you are jealous? Do you have low self esteem? Were you cheated on? Have you always been like this?

 

I think that this is something you need to straighten out on your own. Obviously you can't expect your boyfriend to follow strict rules..

 

Obviously you have an issue that needs help. Have you thought about getting counseling??

[Bethanyliz]

What i forgot to say is i KNOW why I'm jealous, I'm not afraid that he's cheating...because i know he wouldn't. What I'm afraid of is him paying attention to someone else (ahem, girls..and sometimes guys) other than me. I want to be the special one, and I want to be the person who he wants to talk to all the time.

 

And yes i know he's goes behind my back to talk to people and other things, I would rather say, hiding it from me. He's told me because he knows i will get upset, which is true, but it hurts more that he hides it. This girl I guess is someone he's been friends with for a long time. He's assured me that he's not even attracted to her, and she has a boyfriend and I have nothing to worry about. But it doesn't make me feel better for very long. Feeling like I'm less important than someone is the worst, and I'm scared that when I ask him if he as ever stayed up to talk to someone other than me, even if he hasn't tried to hide it, just talking casually to someone...he's going to say yes. And to me that would mean that there is someone that he sees special enough to talk to when he's not talking to me and could be talking to me if he wanted to. That thought is the one driving me insane at the moment. If he says yes, I will want to know who, and why, and what he talks about. Why would he talk to them before he talks to me? Either that or he's going to get really angry...

 

 

Yes i have tried to get help with my OCD. They told me it was depression (when i told them i thought i had OCD multiple times) and gave me Wellbutrin. which i dont take anymore since it makes things 10 times worse.

[SapphireNoir10]

Is it worth getting a second opinion? seeing a different doctor? Because it sounds like your OCD is affecting your everyday life and relationships in a negative way.

 

But you have to accept you can't be the only person in his life. He is entitled to friends of both sexes.

[Meow18]

Yes, get a second opinion!

 

And wanting to feel like the most important person isn't really a reason to your jealousy.. There is probably another reason that goes deeper than that as to why you think and feel the way that you do.

[Bethanyliz]

But am i right in the fact that your significant other should be the person that you would want to talk to first and such? like i said, he'll probably say that he doesn't do any of the things i stated that would me feel less important than any of these girls or this girl or whatever, but I can't help thinking that he will say yes...or lie to me about it just so he won't hurt my feelings...i don't know how to just let it go..or even if i should.

[Bethanyliz]

yes you are probably right, but i don't know what it is. He's never cheated on me, and i've never been cheated on in general. I think it's because i'm afraid he'll act like i act or think like i think. Because i've done some major things that have to do with exes that have really hurt him. Then again i've always been this jealous with everyone...

[Bethanyliz]

Sometimes i think, "well so what if he has talked to some people before talking to me..." hes made it clear that I'm special to him, and he loves me and he wants to be with me...but then i keep thinking about it, and thats when i get mad. Those other people must be more important if he goes out of his way to talk to them, and i feel like he shouldn't go out of his way to talk to them, they shouldn't be that special...lol again, i'm rambling about * * * * that i don't even know that he does....i must sound so crazy..

 

ramble ramble ramble =P

[SapphireNoir10]

You dont sound crazy. Just worried. And getting a second opinion could help you solve this.

[Bethanyliz]

Yeah...i just hate the stupid therapists. lol. I honestly feel like if he is doing things that i think he is doing i should be upset...and right now its bothering me to the point where i am resisting the urge to call him at work to ask him about it and have him reassure me....=\

[SapphireNoir10]

It isnt his job to constantly reassure you. Thats very draining on him and the relationship. You need to find a way to calm your mind and reassure yourself. Write down a list of why he loves you or why he wont hurt you and read it every time you feel like this.

[Crazyjealous]

Hi, Im probably the most jealous person i know. I have had a few relationships that have been completely wrecked by my jealous behaviour. I am at a total loss of what to do now as my current boyfriend is getting very fed up of my behaviour. I dont have low self esteme, i have loads of friends and attention from people. I just dont know how to stop it!!

[carolinemayou]

I'm not sure what it is, but I am just like you. The sad part is that I know I'm jealous, and I know it probably drives him nuts, but I just can't control it, and I'm scared that my jealousy might ruin our relationship. For about a month he considered us dating, yet didn't label me as his girlfriend. This girl happened to be at his house when I came over once, along with his best friend. She met me, saw me kiss John (my now, official boyfriend), and saw me sleep at his house while she went home. Yet with this knowledge, still leaned in for a kiss the next week which he apparently rejected. She now knows we are officially together, yet texts him I miss you, about once a week. They haven't hung out in three weeks, and I trust him, but I do not trust her and I find her completely disrespectful! I don't want to be the jealous girlfriend who tells him to cut her off, but my anxiety levels are being driven up from this. A good friend of mine texted me the other night saying good night hun and John's reaction was to ask me to tell him not to call me hun. I make efforts and he doesn't? I understand that it's important for a guy to have friendships, and I love all of his girlfriends very much and wouldn't mind them saying I miss you to him. But he's known this new girl (SHaron) for a month now, and I just don't find it right. He won't tell her to stop saying I miss you, claiming it to just be a friendship, yet won't take me to hang out with her and won't answer her calls in front of me. What do I say to him?

[Ihavetissues]

Hi, Im probably the most jealous person i know. I have had a few relationships that have been completely wrecked by my jealous behaviour. I am at a total loss of what to do now as my current boyfriend is getting very fed up of my behaviour.

 

I am to ruining my relationship with my boyfriend with jealous its a killing, its hard cos my bf doesnt get jealous so doesnt always understand it. He says its me his with and the only one he wants to be with. he does reassure me and it helps for a bit then after a while I let the bad thoughts come back in. So at the moment I am trying my very hardest just to push the thoughts out of my head as soon as they come in.

 

We can all do it, fingers crossed!

[Angelisa67]

BethanyLiz you have said exactly what I wanted to say... I feel the same way with my b/f and its driving me crazy. I'm afraid to ruin the relationship and try very hard to keep my mouth shut but its so hard. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, I have met all his family and friends, we went on vacation together last summer, when I'm with him we go out on the town and out to dinner and shopping - he's not hiding me from anyone. I have nothing to worry about and logically I know this... but my mind just goes wild when I don't get to talk to him every day.

 

I know he doesn't tell me much about his female friends because he is afraid I will get upset/jealous. But like you said it is worse that he doesn't tell me because it makes it seem like he has something to hide. He will even tell me 'don't be jealous' we're just friends and I do believe him; he told me from day 1 that he had female friends... but I have never met any of them. I have met his male friends. A few times he has mentioned he bumped into a friend whose a woman at the mall and stopping to have coffee with her.. I don't think I reacted in jealousy. i'm always casual about it.

 

i know we need to sit down and talk about it but he is very sensitive and its hard for me to bring up sensitive topics with him. I'm psyching myself up to do it this weekend before I lose my mind. BTW I take welbutrin but it doesn't seem to be working very well, I think I'll see if I can get something stronger/better. I've got alot of other crap going on in my life now too.

 

Feel free to send me a private message if you want to talk. You're the first person I've seen with the exact same issue as me.

[hockeychick]

I hear you....sometimes my mind goes crazy too. I am on prescription for ADD, it makes you over analyze everything!!

 

I honestly think if you started to date another guy, the same thing would happen, eventually. So, the issue is with you, not the guy, which is great 'cause you can control it.

 

Why don't you live in the moment and just enjoy the relationship? Unless he has cheated, and you have proof, you have to get your mind off of these bad thoughts. Maybe go for a run, or get busy at work.

 

Take up a hobby, walk your dog, visit a relative. I think if he finds out you are jealous he won't like it.

 

I have exactly the same problem...my boyfriend worries are now taking up most of my spare time thoughts. I hate it too. I even asked my doctor if I could adjust my medication because I am always paranoid-especially about the b-friend. He didn't have very good advice.

 

Personally I have done many little tests to see if my b-friend was cheating and turns out he is not. Maybe he is just the type of guy that wants to help someone ....a damsel in distress.

[Ihavetissues]

Im the same really, but sometimes I think is it me or the bf I am with, again his doesn't do anything to make me mis trust him, he hasn't cheated or anything, so why do I think like this, does he bring it out in me?? I try my hardest to keep busy and not think the bad thoughts but they still get in all the time.

 

so what little tests did you do to see if he was cheating.

 

And i also feel like my bf is doing the helping a damsel in distress thing too.

[hockeychick]

Hello Ihaveissues,

I checked his voice mail, and text messages, numerous times and nothing. I have never caught him in a lie, and I have a memory like an elephant. And to be quite honest, if he wants to cheat he will...there is nothing you can do. If you are confident and let him chase you a bit, he won't want to cheat. If you are having worries, just post something on this site for relief. If he thinks you dont trust him, he will really be pissed.

 

Men are wired differently than women. I have absolutely no desire to cheat, but men have to try not to cheat.

 

What do you do when you worried-provide details??

[Ihavetissues]

Hello Ihaveissues,

I checked his voice mail, and text messages, numerous times and nothing. I have never caught him in a lie, and I have a memory like an elephant. And to be quite honest, if he wants to cheat he will...there is nothing you can do. If you are confident and let him chase you a bit, he won't want to cheat. If you are having worries, just post something on this site for relief. If he thinks you dont trust him, he will really be pissed.

 

Men are wired differently than women. I have absolutely no desire to cheat, but men have to try not to cheat.

 

What do you do when you worried-provide details??

 

I have checked his phone before don't ever find much but sometimes txt from one of his "girl" mates who he tells me theres nothing in it but I think the way i read them they can be taken in different ways. I just worry what his up to online mainly.

 

he knows i dont trust him totally and he does hate it, and gets annoyed bout it.

 

when i worry I just lets my thoughts get away from me making everything much worse in my head. I do talk to my bf about it and sometimes he can listen and reassure me and other times it just drives him crazy and does he head in. Recently ive been trying to talk about it and post on here instead, which is better i think.

[hockeychick]

Do not let him know! Call a girlfriend, post a post.....if he is not cheating and he thinks you think he is, he will really be mad. If there is no proof...do you spend weekends with him? A text from one girl does not mean anything...is he generally an honest person?

Besides the girl text, what is going on in your head???

[Ihavetissues]

Do not let him know! Call a girlfriend, post a post.....if he is not cheating and he thinks you think he is, he will really be mad. If there is no proof...do you spend weekends with him? A text from one girl does not mean anything...is he generally an honest person?

Besides the girl text, what is going on in your head???

 

I think its to late for that he already knows. as I say he does get annoyed at the way I think bout things, he doesn't understand why I think like it. I more or less live with him, so he cant get up to too much, i might not be there one or two nights a week, but he has asked me to move in with him. its just when we are apart i worry bout what he gets up to online really, i know he chats on forums and stuff and I have seen some of the stuff, mainly its just everyday chit chat and music but I know he does chat with girls on there, and probably has abit of a flirt. its just what he does and looks at when Iam not around that gets to me. I want to think he is an honest person but do you ever really know??

[hockeychick]

Hey! Fake it...dont let him know you think he is cheating. I honestly think you can prevent cheating by being confident and having a life of your own. Then he will be worried! Let's say you have a girls night and he has a boys night out.

There is nothing worse for a guy, nothing will ruin his mood more than being worried about you. If you are paranoid (and we all are at one point or another) and you still have not caught him, chances are he is not cheating.

Be a tiny bit mysterious......take up a hobby of your own when he is chatting on line...buy a sexy running outfit and go for a jog.

[Ihavetissues]

Well I blew that cos when he got home he knew something was up with me and i got upset and let my feelings out not all of them just that i worry he doesnt want to be with me anymore, then he said i wouldnt be then would I, which I guess is a fair point. and he didnt get mad at me just gave me cuddles and said i had nothing to worry about. I dont ever think he is going to cheat on me but just he has this whole secret online life (if you get what I mean)

 

He always says to go out and have fun with my girlfriends, he doesnt care that i go out cos he doesnt get jealous one bit.

 

I think iam past being mysterious now, its to late in the relationship he knows what iam like we share most things now, I feel. and I wouldnt even know how to be myseterios!!

 

I just think at the mo he is being bit off not so touchy, and sorry for the too much info but we havent had sex for days now and thats just not like us. I did ask him earlier and he just said he stressed at work and got things on his mind, and not feeling horny then he did say dont think its anything to do with me. but of course I do.