lost the 'one' to jealous exgf

[lonelyone09]

Not sure where to start but here i go..

My boyfriend and i were perfect together, when we first got together it was unbelievable how happy we were. everyone always told him that theyd never seen him so happy before. and he even told me hes never been so happy. we were perfect together, we did everything together and he told me i was good for him and kept him at his best. we liked everything about each other and there were tons of little things we liked in each other that we both had never found in anyone else we'd ever met. it was amazing. he was always scared i was going to leave him or that something would happen between us to break us apart but i told him that would never happen unless it was him. i told him no matter what if anything ever happened we would be able to work through it. he said hed never been this happy with anyone else (specifically his ex, who really broke his heart).

after getting in a car accident together (he was driving) i always told him he needed to be extra careful because i needed him and wasnt ready to lose him yet and he told me he always would be especially when im with him cuz hed never want anyone or anything to hurt me. that when we wrecked he was only worried about me being okay.

he moved out to live with his sister which was significantly closer to where i live. he was so happy everything was working out so perfect and often told me he thought we were meant to be and was so happy with how everything was going in favor of us. he always told me if anything was ever wrong or if i didnt like it we could talk and figure some way to work it out so we would both be happy. and thats what we always did.

just absolutely everything was great, i dont have a single complaint about him, he treated me like a princess and i cherished him dearly. he told me as soon as his sisters lease was up in 2 months we could get a bigger place together. he even jokingly asked me to marry him a few times because he was just so happy and couldnt ever see us apart. my parents liked him, his parents liked me even told me how good i was for him.

 

a few weeks ago we went to court together to settle something between him and his ex (they had a house together and were still working to settle everything). she had cheated on him numerous times and invited men into their house when he wasnt home. she is crazy (literally has a few mental disorders but refuses to take medication). hes told me several shocking stories that made me wonder why he had stayed with such a girl. i was often scared he'd leave me and go back to her considering everything they once had together. i even told him i was afraid to fall in love with him because i didnt want to be hurt. he told me he would never do anything to hurt me and that he wants me to fall in love and not to be scared. i trusted him because he never gave me any reason not to. he said it was too late for him and his ex and hed never even want to be with her again. after seeing him in court i guess she decides she misses him and is jealous seeing him with me, so she calls him several times which he ignores followed by a text the next day asking why HE called her. she then proceeds to call his sister several times in the middle of the night and his parents a few times as well. he told me shes probably trying to get back into his life but not to worry because that would never happen.

 

and then this past weekend comes. he's distant, doesn't call like he usually does while he has breaks at work, when i call him hes short with his responses, doesnt hold the conversation and is quick to get off the phone. im panicked thats something wrong and i ask him several times if everythings okay and he reasures me that everythings fine hes just stressed because he'll be working nonstop this weekend. i believe him but something still seems wrong and its on my mind constantly and all i feel is anxiety. he has a long drive home from work late at night but he always calls me when hes home to let me know he made it alright. but this weekend he didnt call or text at all and it took me several times to reach him. sunday night i text to see if hes off work and he replies an hour later saying hes off but had a very bad day and does not want to talk. i ask him whats wrong but he doesnt want to talk so i let him know that im sorry he had a bad day and if he changes his mind im here for him.

i ask him if hes tired of me and we text back and forth for a few until he finally calls and reveals hes been with his ex all weekend and wants to be with her again. i am completely shocked and blown away by this after everything hes said how much he disliked everything about her how theyd never work out and just werent compatible. now he wants to leave me for her. i asked him why hed do this, what happened, how much it hurt me and why he said all these things but is now doing this.. we talked briefly but he seemed very confused and answered mostly with 'idk' and that its only because hes still in love with her. i told him okay but id still be here for him no matter what he needed and he said thank you and that was it. we have exchanged maybe 6 texts in total since then but i just dont understand and still dont believe what happened.

 

what do i do? i dont want to forget about him, he was everything to me. there was absolutely nothing wrong i was never unhappy about anything and neither was he. i have no bad memories with him.

it was just his ex girlfriend who showed up at his door to get him back. i just want to see him, to talk to him give him a hug.. anything. ive never met anyone like him and we both truly beleived we were meant for each other.. what do i do? should i try and talk to him? she is bad for him and im always worried about him ..any advice please i need it..

 

i dont know anyone in my area, i have no friends, no one to talk to and im completely alone. im extremely shy and find it hard to meet new people. im in college but i hate it, i have nothing to look forward to and nothing to be happy about, everything is just wrong and i dont know what to do.

[Thornbirds18]

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm compelled to respond because your story is so similar to mine. I lost my love to his ex, who showed up when we were talking about marriage...I know how much pain you have but your bf leaving you is not because of jealous from his ex. If he truly loves you instead of her he wouldn't go back to her. All the good memories sounded too good to be true, which is my case too and which made the breakup is an extreme shock. It's not exaggerating if I use Post Traumatic Disorder to descibe my initial reaction. Five month down the road I'm half healed, thankful to his cruety and NC. He made his decision, clearly, and he acts like a jerk. You can't do anything to get him back at THIS moment. So maybe just accept it, wish them luck, and ignore him? I know it's painful but contacting him might push him further away. He won't value it if you're still in the picture. People panic when they truly lose something or somebody. So keep your chin high and your dignity intact, no matter how hard is going to be. Just my two cents. Hugs.

[Ms Darcy]

How old are you both? How long since he and his ex broke up? How long were you together?

 

Did you take the relationship slowly or rush headlong? I'm afraid he was using you, perhaps not on purpose, to get over his ex.

[lonelyone09]

19 and 20. we met maybe 6 months after they broke up and its been just over 6 months that weve been together.

we definitely took alot of things really slow but we grew fond of each other quickly, couldnt really help it i guess. if that makes sense.

 

i feel like he doesnt think im upset, like he was expecting me to cry and break down but instead thinks just im mad. when he told me what was going on, i didnt cry because i was just so shocked and in disbelief. and i feel that he thinks im okay over the situation and that because im okay i didnt care that much to begin with which is the farthest thing from true.

i just want him to know that i am upset, really hurt and not ready to move on at all. i just want him back and i think no contact would make him think im fine and dont need him anymore. (the whole reverse psychology thing never worked on him)

[rigguy]

I am sorry you feeling so sad, lonelyone09. Thornbirds is probably right, although your ex may be confused and just does not know what he is about to lose. You seem like a loving and caring person and he would be a fool to lose you, remember that, You don't want to be with a fool that treats you like that. You definitely should not wait around for him, if he doesn't know what he is losing, he does not deserve you.. Do not be a fall back relationship from his ex, go NC if you need healing. With time you will know if you want to be with this person again. However unlikely it is, he may turn around but you should be thinking whether you want to be with a person that let you down. It sucks but it may happen again, do you really want that? It ain't much help, sorry. All you really can do is work on yourself, try to make yourself happy on your own.

[Ms Darcy]

The tough thing about getting back with a guy who leaves you after 6 months of dating is that he left right around the time the 'honeymoon' stage ends. Instead, when his feelings of excitement (naturally) waned, that probably added to any doubt and confusion about his ex.

 

You should not give one hoot about what he thinks. It should not matter to you anymore. But I think that's a lesson that will take a little time for you to learn. Sorry honey. Best of luck.

[vertigoxo]

This really sucks... That's why I'm never going to date a guy who has crazy ex girlfriends in his life, or is in the first year of breaking up from a long-term relationship. No matter how much a guy swears he's over a particular ex... In reality, it may be far from the truth.

 

Right now, it's best you go NC and take care of yourself. This story really hurts to read because I sorta had this happen to me, but he didn't end up leaving me for her. We are broken up anyways so whatever.

[susie198]

Wow, your story is sounds so hurtful, I can almost feel how upset you are. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You sound like an incredibly lovely person and definitely like someone who does not deserve horrible things like this happening to them.

 

Its very, very hard when your relationship has been good. Sometimes, we look back at relationships and we can see the faults and we can see why we broke up. Although that might not make it easier, it makes it understandable. But in your case, you did genuinly sound happy together, so its completely understandable that you're in a state of shock and disbelief right now. I think I would be too. I know that you're going to be running through all the great times you had together and trying to pick them apart, seeing if you can spot, retrospectively, clues that might help you piece it together. Because when something as unbelieveable like this happens, our brains try hard to make sense of it, to get a handle on it, to bring it all under control. We wonder what we could have done differently, we bargain, we plead, usually all to no avail, in the short term at least.

 

I have no idea why your boyfriend has done what he has done. It sounds as though this girl had a real power hold over him and he cannot see it. But I suspect that it won't be long before he realises his mistake and comes back to you. And in the meantime, you have some thinking to do. Try and take away the emotions of abandonment, disorientation and loss that are swamping you right now and think about the hurt he's causing you. Did he end it with you respectfully? With love and care? Did he consider your feelings and try and take them into account when he made his decision? Or did he slink off and leave you to form your own conclusions or make you beg for an explanation?

 

What he has done should be raising a red flag for you about him about his character and his suitability to be in a long term relationship with you. If he did come back, could you trust him if he said he loved you? Or would you be constantly wondering when the next sudden and timely departure would be? Because if you think you couldn't, then you then have a long battle to build the trust that he has now broken. How would you react if a friend abandoned you like this?

 

I think this guy will be back, I'm pretty sure of it. Maybe not next week, but he'll be back. What I'm not so sure of is whether it is right for you to take him back. Ultimately, only you can answer that question. In the meantime, if he tries to contact you, I'd thank him for his message but say that you're very hurt by his actions and so you're taking some time out to think about things. Then take that time out, rest, recuperate from the blow he's landed on you. Look after yourself. Eat, sleep, go for a walk. Get in touch with friends you've not seen in a while. And think. Its your life and you get to dictate the quality of the people you share it with. You sound adorable and the kind of person who deserves someone really lovely. Its your call. Is he good enough?

 

Good luck

[LivingToday]

Wow, I too became saddened by reading this. You sound like a very sweet and special woman, I could only be so lucky...

 

Ms Darcy is right, honeymoon stage comes and sometimes BAM. Happened to me, I was too blinded to see it.

 

Vertigoxo is wise, I'm going to take her advice on that too.

 

He may come back to you but I don't think it is a good idea, he could leave just as before and as quick. What if his ex returns again, the cycle would continue and your heart could crumble (I pray it doesn't). Thank the Lord you have us (ENA) to help put things back as they should be.

 

*And continue in school, you'll be glad you finished!

[lonelyone09]

thank you for the advice everyone i really appreciate it =)

 

im not so sure it was because the honeymoon stage was ending because i dont think it was, we were still both just as excited to be together as ever.. he had come over just the night before and the whole night he had the biggest smile on his face i had ever seen him with. i asked him what he was so happy and smiley about several times because i was just so baffled and he said it was because he had a hard day at work and couldnt wait to shower and come over to see me..

i just wish he could see his mistake in going back to her because i think it was for the fact they had spent alot of time together and had many material things together. not that they were good memories but JUST memories. because he constantly told me how they didnt get along and werent a good match. they had only lived in their house together for a month before he caught her bringing other men over while he wasnt home. and before that she had cheated on him on several occasions and even caught an std and gave it to him.

LOTS of couples move in together and share holidays together and go on trips but i guess he just looks at that and sees it as something huge thats keeping him coming back to her. and they had a dog who he misses and talked about all the time which i think is another big thing for him.

 

its getting easier in that i dont burst out in tears every 5 seconds (although this morning has proven otherwise) and i can sleep through the night now but i still desperately want him back and would do anything. hes everything i ever wanted and as much as youve probably heard this before, i dont think ill ever find someone or feel the same way as i did for him. do i settle for less now? as much as i think hes coming back i dont think he will at the same time. i texted him last night that i was upset, missed him and just wanted to talk to him as much as i know i shouldnt and that i was sorry.. no reply.

 

another thing- his ex and his sister had been good friends when they were together but hadnt talked for months since they broke up. his sister was her way back into his life and she had tried to use his parents as well.. since he had just moved in with his sister she had called her to try and hang out so she could come over and see him.

and thats exactly what happened. she came over with his sister and talked to him. invited him over to see the house and dog that was once his and things went from there..

this girl does NOT deserve him.

[Scylla]

this girl does NOT deserve him.

 

..but at the same time, if he was that quick to turn around and hurt you after all he had said to you, then he doesn't deserve you.

 

You deserve a guy who -in spite of the tempting ex-g/f- would choose to be by your side, and not leave you alone like this. Maybe he enjoyed the drama of the ex, who knows? You will sooner or later realize that maybe they deserve each other.

 

I wish you well. You seem like a very strong girl, so I have a feeling you will gain strength from this.