Sorrento Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 Hi all, Just looking for the best way to move forward with this now... The bare bones of the situation are as follows - together for 8 months, he ended it citing "not sure we're meant to be together" amongst other reasons. Went straight into NC. A week later he initiates contact and I only reply if he asks questions etc. He still appears unsure, until we bump into eachother on a night out. I left early and woke up to a message saying he wants to meet me for lunch the next day. So we meet, he asks if we can begin dating again. So we do. Three weeks of dating (although looking back it was just like the relationship was before anyway) and he says he is confused and needs some time to figure stuff out. So we enter this "limbo" phase, with him calling and texting everyday still, still wanting to meet up, do things together, even if he is out with friends he asks me to join him. This has been going on for about three weeks now. I snapped the other day (not sure if it is my own uncertainty or friends of mine telling me what to do) and said I felt like I was being used. He called straight away and was concerned, asking what he was doing to make me feel that way and honestly trying to convince me that he wasn't using me. Since this point, we kind of went back to normal, and he tells me that his good friends who are getting married would like me to come to their wedding. So I agreed, seeing as at the time, we were talking a lot and getting on well etc. However, the day after this, I called him after work as I hadn't heard from him, and he was really snappy and short. I asked why he was suddenly acting strangely and he snapped "well I think its pretty clear our relationship is over" so I said ok I will leave you alone then. He called about an hour later and kept apologising for being snappy etc and explained how his day had been awful etc. The next day I got a message in the evening updating me on his day etc and now nothing again. The wedding is in two days time. I don't know what to make of all this. I don't understand why he is acting so much like we are a couple and yet tells me different things everytime we talk about this. I don't want to go back into NC unless it is 100% over, but I am also scared of pushing him into a corner so to speak, because everytime I do that, he cools off for a while before coming back? Also, I am going to treat the wedding as if I am there on my own, i.e. not his date. But I don't know whether I should try and confront him about all of this before the wedding so I at least know where I stand? Please help me, I am so lost on this... Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 10, 2009 Author Share Posted September 10, 2009 I know its a long one, and I am sorry just would really appreciate an outsiders point of view on how best to deal with this. I do want us to get back together....but am I on a hiding to nothing? Link to comment
rapunzel Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I don't think you should confront him as it will just make him feel pressured and will make him pull away further. You are going to let HIM decide if this is over? He has already dumped you, now you are in a weird limbo thing and you are waiting for HIM to make the next move and you are waiting for HIM to tell you if it's over for good so you can go NC? You are giving him ALL the power here. No, it is time for YOU to decide what YOU want to put up with. Do NOT WAIT for him to decide unless you want to endure more of this wishy washy type behavior. You will probably not get back together with him if you show him all your cards and if you give him all the power. If you CAN: Go to the wedding and ACT "as if" everything is fine, that you are just fine with or without him.....try to have a good time and ignore any weirdness/antics that might come from him. This is HIS problem and not YOUR problem. Decide you are worth MORE than the crumbs he is handing you. If you are unable to go to the wedding and have a good time despite what happened, then maybe you should consider NOT going. Link to comment
LillyLooWho Posted September 10, 2009 Share Posted September 10, 2009 I agree with Rupuzel. Go to the wedding and have a good time. If he is acting weird, ignore it. Don't drink too much though. You don't want to have "drunk confessional" with him. If this is all too much for you, decline the invitation. Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 11, 2009 Author Share Posted September 11, 2009 Thank you both for your replies. I know I seem pathetic by letting him decide everything. But to be honest, this has all confused me so much that I'm not sure what is best for me anymore, so I figured I will now do nothing and just see what happens. Throughout this latest phase of his, I have replied to messages that have direct questions, and if he asks to hang out etc and I have no plans then I will. But if I am busy then I don't reply, pick up calls or see him. I am going to go to the wedding seperately with a couple of people I know who are also going. I have made no reference to the wedding other than to accept going, and I will see how it plays out on the day. I am pretty good at acting fine and happy-go-lucky, so even if he is strange, I will make it through (although I will probably cry when I get home!!) I guess I just have to wait and see. He contacted me last night and asked me to come and meet him (he was at the pub with a few of his friends that I have met). I said no as I had plans. He then sent a few messages asking questions about my plans for the wedding etc. I just kept it lighthearted and jokey and left it at that. I don't want to give up on us, which is my main reason for doing nothing and seeing where it goes....is that a good idea? Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Update... Went to the wedding - ex kept complimenting me, stayed with me for most of the day, was lovely all the way through. After the reception we had a little bit of a heart to heart, with him saying that he got scared when he started to fall in love and now doesn't know what to do. Listed about a thousand reasons why I'm "completely amazing" and when I cried he cuddled me and kept saying "tell me what to do to make this better". Didn't resolve anything, and I have not heard from him since.... Do I assume he is saying this stuff to lessen his guilt? or should I make a move?! Link to comment
coolchick64 Posted September 14, 2009 Share Posted September 14, 2009 Hey Sorrento, Sounds like you handled everything really well at the wedding. My question about all of this is what's going in your relationship that's making you unhappy? What are your issues? Are you pushing on them at all? It sounds to me like he has a sincere interest in working it out with you, but maybe the two of you aren't communicating well about what you need. You're so close to sorting things out, but if he feels he can't make you happy, he's going to keep pulling back. I suspect this is more about communication than the underlying issues themselves . . . Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 14, 2009 Author Share Posted September 14, 2009 Coolchick - what you said about him feeling he cannot make me happy has struck a chord...when we first got together he used to say that all he wanted to do was make me happy. As time went by I think he felt less and less like he could do that. When we initially broke up (say a week or so before) I had started to seek help as I was depressed. I took a course of medication and went to counselling. He knows all of this (although I didnt tell him at the time). My question is how can i make him see that he does make me happy, and that the reason I was unhappy is because of the depression, not because of him not being good enough etc? We both have communication issues, we freely admit this to eachother. But we seem unable to have "the talk" without going round and round in circles... He has text me this morning asking if I called last night (which I did)... I really want us to work things out but I don't know how to even begin Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I think I may have been too hasty thinking we could work things out. Basically, since we broke up, he has pretty much been in touch everyday. However, since the wedding, I called sunday night and he did not respond until mid morning monday (when normally if he has fallen asleep etc he will call me on his way to work) and last night I called because he had text me something about being worried about a dental appointment and I didn't respond. He did not answer and I haven't heard anything again this morning. I don't want to walk away but should I at this stage? I didn't think there was anyone on the scene (he said no and his friends always tell me he isn't over me etc). But could it be that there now is?! Link to comment
Sorrento Posted September 15, 2009 Author Share Posted September 15, 2009 I'm starting to think I should make a new thread.... I just literally have no idea what all this means. Do I wait and see? Having waited for a month or so now and he is still (apparently) confused about everything? Or should I just give up hope now. I really don't see why he would now be ignoring me totally Link to comment
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