Sex Texts from the Ex?!

[amandamarie]

Background

My ex broke up with me 3 months ago, after 4 years together. We had just bought a house together last year, moved to a new area near my family after he got out of the military. After the move, I began to feel him pulling away, he seemed depressed, PTSD issues, and problems with really opening up and being emotionally intimate with me. He began not to be able to sleep at night, wouldn't go out to find a job, didn't know what he wanted to do with his life, no effort to make friends. He broke up with me citing that he didn't feel in love anymore, didn't think I was the one, and that he missed his family -- who live 15 hours away! So he moved up there to be with them. My personal feeling is that he sabotaged the relationship because of personal issues, and distanced himself from me,but like i said, that is just my gut feeling. Also, we did have some issues with him not feeling i was sexually adventurous enough. You have to understand, he was my first, and it took some time for me to come to terms with my sexuality. By the time I realized that i did want to be more adventurous, he had already distanced himself. I think at the end he felt more like friends than lovers.

 

So he has been in contact with me through texts and phone calls weekly, for about the last month. I have not been initiating this contact. We have always been enjoyed talking to each other. He knows that I would like another shot. He also knows that I am dating others, and has become jealous about this, even admitting to me he didn't like hearing about me with other guys.

 

So here's the problem...Am I crazy to even consider this?!

 

Well, lately he has been sending me some texts that are very sexual in nature. And I will admit, I have been responding in turn. Things like, he wanted to do me so bad, that next time he was in town we could try some stuff out, things like that. Now, I know this is dangerous terrritory. I don't want to be just "FWB." But also, if we don't have some type of meetup or "dating", how do we even begin to proceed with a reconciliation, when I live 15 hours away, and when I know NEITHER of us would consider just jumping back into the relationship since I live so far away without a test run? See the things is, he is living with his family because no job currently. I think he is looking at the distance, the fact he thinks I would miss my family, and the fact that he has no place of his own to live as a huge obstacle – when to me it is not. I also kind of feel like maybe we could awaken some of the desire if I was more adventurous in bed.

 

I am considering telling him I want to come and visit him and hang out, but I only want to do it if he woud consider dating again - not being exclusive right now, just dating. Am I crazy for doing this? Please be honest with me. I know that in theory the "easy" thing to do would be just let him go...but after putting so much time and heart in, and let's face it, we did just buy this house together that we need to keep a few years, I just dont want to give up without trying.

[AlphaFemme]

I think he really needs to deal with his emotional issues before you can establish any kind of healthy interaction. Moving to be with his family, to be where he feels safe, makes a lot of sense. If you really want to work on a relationship, you might want to consider renting the new place, moving back to his area, and entering therapy.

[amandamarie]

Thanks so much for your reply AlphaFemme. You know, the thing is I would gladly move IF I felt that he would be willing to work on the relationship with me. At this point though, I don't know if he is, so I am trying to think of what the best step to begin the reconciliation process would be from here where I live. Then, if we find that things are going good, I would move if need be. I have a good job though here and just can't see giving it up as well as my life in general here if he is not willing to put in the investment too. After all, someone has to pay the bills for the house since he doesn't have a job right now! I do think you are right though, he needs to work on himself emotionally. Sadly, I think I was probably the best influence he did have, his parents have even told me that since we broke up, and he has even told me that his friends there are not really good influences. So I just hope they don't end up making him spiral down even more.

[addictedblue]

This is what you SHOULD NOT do: meet up and just have sex. You clearly want more than that, so don't settle. I say visit him maybe, and make it clear that your body is off limits unless you are getting back together and decide to work out some kind of plan as to who is going to move and all that. If you guys "get adventurous" and then one of you goes back to where they live 15 hours away it probably isn't going to amount to anything.

 

To be completely honest, he may just be lonely. He's got some issues he has to work through and it seems like he's only got his family and a few friends to turn to. You guys were together for 4 years which is a really long time, and you guys have been both friends and lovers. He's reaching out and sending sexy texts and he's getting sexy replies back...it's clear you both want to try some sexual things. It isn't clear that he wants to resume the whole relationship. So figure that out first or you'll likely regret it. If you just want to have casual sex then you probably don't need to travel 15 hours to do it and you should only have casual sex with someone you have no feelings for anyway.

[Puckdog27]

I think he's horny. My girl friends can always tell when I am horny or drunk. I become the most loving human being in the world.

[amandamarie]

Thanks so much for the advice so far everyone. AddictedBlue, don't worry...I am not planning on meeting up with him just for sex! I have no desire to be just a friends with benefit...there is too much emotion involved for me to do that, I know that. It could be what you were saying, that he is lonely, or what PuckDog was saying, that he is horny...I don't know, that is the hard part, but both of the things that you two said are things that have crossed my mind, and that I am stil trying to figure out if that is just it. I don't know what he wants, and I don't know if even he knows at this point. I would be willing to visit him and take things very slow, but I don't want to even visit if there is no chance for reconciliation. Problem is, I don't know if there is going to be any chance for reconciliation unless I DO visit, and show him that we could take things slowly accross the miles, and reestablish that connection...if that makes any sense.

[amandamarie]

Any other suggestions for what I should do? I am SO confused about what to do next...if anything

[Tigerfan]

I think you should meet with him and try to find out his intentions. If it's just that he wants sex, then I would tell him you aren't interested in that. If he says he wants the relationship, then tries to get you in bed right away, he could be just saying what u want to hear to get you into bed. If he says he wants the relationship, and TRULY does, he will wait for the sex with you if he really loves you and wants you back. Make him wait though! It's the only way you will know if he's sincere or not.

[lotus26]

please DO NOT give in to his texts.

I did and got used and then dumped again, twice in 3 weeks!

You feel so cheated. ignore him

really NC is the ONLY way to go, i finally see that now.

[amandamarie]

I think I am going to wait until next time we talk to see how it goes, maybe see if he brings anything at all up about our texting fliriting and go from there.

 

If things go well, I thought about saying this next time I am on the phone - what do you all think about this:

"I would like to come and visit you and spend some time together. But only if you can see us at some point dating again. I am not asking for any committments right now, but I also want you to tell me if you know in your heart that you never want that type of relationship with me. If that's the case, I don't want to visit you."

 

How does this sound? Is is too much for me to suggest this - as I am the one who was dumped? Should I wait to suggest it for a few weeks and see how things go? Or not at all? Thanks everyone for your help, you all have really given me a lot of great advice.

[SnowFox]

Does he ever call you on the phone or does he just text?

 

I might try just ignoring any sex related texts and then just be friendly when you talk on the phone.

 

Give that a few weeks and see if he suggests meeting in person.

 

I'm guessing that if you stop reinforcing the texting behavior and just are friendly and casual when you talk, it will cause him to either just drift away, or talk to you about meeting in person.

 

basically, ignore the behavior you don't like (sex texts) and respond positively to the behavior you do like (calls).

 

This way, you are not pushing him for a reconciliation.

 

I personally think he is ambivalent - he misses you but realizes his life is not in order enough for him to be a good partner to you - so that is why the messages from him feel confusing to you - because inside, he is confused.

[amandamarie]

Thanks, yes he does call me on the phone. Although I haven't talked to him in a few days. It almost feels like he is backing up some now that we were flirting...so that doesn't sound good. I am not contacting him first at all. I did get a few texts today, asking how things were. Also, he told me he found a job this week - so i guess that is good, hopefully he will start getting his life together. I just wish I was still a part of it. Maybe once he gets it together he will realize what we had - but maybe not, and I can't sit around waiting. It hurts my feelings to know that he has had this job two or three days and just told me today - I use to be the first person he would go to, it hurts when you realize you aren't that person anymore.