Emotional and mental overload

[Nixee]

It is Saturday night and I'm feeling guilty right now because I got invited out to a BBQ tonight and I declined, choosing to stay at home and rest. I'm mentally and emotionally tired, and on top of that I have self-imposed guilt for being anti-social.

 

Normally I'm not so anti-social... but the thing is... I'm overwhelmed right now.

 

Just a couple of weeks ago I found out that my father has brain cancer. Not light and fluffy brain cancer either.... mean, nasty, grade 4 glioblastoma. He had surgery, which he has been recovering from very well, and next week he starts chemo and radiation.... but, the prognosis is never good. I've been on a nonstop emotional rollercoaster. I live 3000 miles away from my parents.

 

My brother has already moved home, because it was easy for him to do so. Me, on the other hand.... not easy. This all happened just as I was starting a new semester of school.... a very hard one at that... full of organic chemistry Between school and work, I'm at it from dawn til dusk 6 days a week... and that doesn't count homework, my dating/social life, or time to freak out about my sick father.

 

My dad, obviously, is very important to me. Right now he is doing well and feeling well, and that gives me strength. This evening we had a great talk and a lot of laughs. We manage to give each other advice, and I value that. It is funny now... I've had epilepsy for years, and with a brain tumor one of the first things they do is put you on seizure medication, which he has found he hates... so we can co-miserate about that together. But... no matter how perky he is feeling, I still find myself upset a lot, and I can't help it. These are emotional times, and it is tiring.

 

Yet I NEED to do well in my school, I need my job... and I don't want my relationships to suffer. .... I just don't know how to find balance anymore some days.

 

We lost my aunt to breast cancer last December. My dad already had prostate cancer (which we found out yesterday is going to make him ineligible for some clinical trials... which I think is ridiculous and I don't understand at all ), and my mother has bladder cancer herself.

I know you play the hand you are dealt.... and that is life. But sometimes it just feels like life is spinning out of control and I want to hit the pause button.

 

Even when I'm feeling 'neutral' and calm about things... nothing feels ok, because nothing really IS ok, and it hasn't been for a very long time. And I realize how horribly sad and defeatist that sounds, which I don't mean it to... but I guess it just feels like the facts some days. You get "used" to dealing with a string of bad news... and it is tiring. The hard work becomes forcing yourself to be positive, and to work hard.. and man... I'm just tired.

 

I guess I needed to vent. Any advice/pick-me-ups/comments/similar stories are appreciated.

[DN]

As it happens, reading your post, I think you are coping with all of this exceedingly well considering all that has happened.

 

You understand the risks, you are realistic, you talk to your Dad and cheer him, comfort him and do all you can to be supportive. You recognise the need (as will he) to study and get a good education for your career and you realise that all of this is going to be overwhelming.

 

"When going through hell - keep going" - advice from Winston Churchill which may help you.

[Nixee]

As it happens, reading your post, I think you are coping with all of this exceedingly well considering all that has happened.

 

You understand the risks, you are realistic, you talk to your Dad and cheer him, comfort him and do all you can to be supportive. You recognise the need (as will he) to study and get a good education for your career and you realise that all of this is going to be overwhelming.

 

"When going through hell - keep going" - advice from Winston Churchill which may help you.

 

Thank you DN.... I really appreciate that. And I do like that quote a lot, it about sums up the mindset I've been trying (consciously or subconsciously) to adopt for some time now....

 

I'm just so scared of breaking down, and of my grades slipping....and the crying so much is tiring. It is hard.

[DN]

Thank you DN.... I really appreciate that. And I do like that quote a lot, it about sums up the mindset I've been trying (consciously or subconsciously) to adopt for some time now....

 

I'm just so scared of breaking down, and of my grades slipping....and the crying so much is tiring. It is hard.

Yes, I know. It really must be. Crying can be an emotional release but there comes a time when it becomes too much.

 

Allow yourself time to cry - but limit that time. It will not be easy but literally give yourself two minutes, five, or whatever, to cry and release the emotions - and then make an effort of will to stop, clear the emotions from your mind and concentrate on the task at hand.

 

So what you so is cry, go the bathroom, wash your face with cold water, take a drink of ice-water to calm yourself and then go back to work.

 

This breathing exercise will help too:

 

Breathe in for a count of four

Hold your breath for a count of four

Breathe out for a count of four

Hold for a count of four and repeat as necessary

 

As you get used to the exercise the count of four can be slower.

 

This exercise regulates the heartbeat and therefore the amount of oxygen to the brain, which helps to relieve stress and relax tense muscles.

[Nixee]

Thanks.... I think I will have to try the breathing for sure.... and to make time for that. I've been a fan of the splash of cold water on the face since I was pretty young (let's just say I was an emotional youth heh), but breathing and calming myself down I'm not always good at making time for. I'm more the type to cry quietly then zone out in front of the tv for a bit maybe. ... Mostly I just stay quietly tense and swallow my pain.

[EJRG]

Not light and fluffy brain cancer either.... mean, nasty, grade 4 glioblastoma. He had surgery, which he has been recovering from very well, and next week he starts chemo and radiation.... but, the prognosis is never good. I've been on a nonstop emotional rollercoaster.

 

I have a friend with that brain cancer, she is doing well at the moment - but I, like you, am scared.

[Nixee]

I have a friend with that brain cancer, she is doing well at the moment - but I, like you, am scared.

 

I am glad to hear your friend is doing well right now.

 

My dad is also doing well at the moment (as well as can be expected, that is I suppose). But yeah, it is a very scary diagnosis with very little good to say about it, so the fear is understandable.

 

It has been less than a month for us and I'm already learning to take every day and every nugget of good news for exactly what it is worth.

[randomgirl59]

I too think you are handling things really well. Don't feel bad about declining the invite, you definitly deserve some time for yourself and rest after being so overwhelmed with things.

 

I also admire how despite all you're going through you manage to keep up. Its completely understandable that you feel so tired. I really hope that your dad pulls through, and best of luck to you and your family *hugs*