Actions Vs. Words

[cranberrymuffin]

I've been very happily dating someone for a year. He is wonderful in so many ways. We laugh a lot together, there is a lot of respect, kindness, thoughtfulness. We share many interests.

 

My boyfriend will definitely show me he loves me by his actions. This is so clear to me and I very literally feel it that way.

 

However, he is a little shy about verbal expression. So while I'm calling him "sweetie" and will let him know that I miss him when we aren't together and I'm feeling that way, he is too uncomfortable saying sweetie or that he misses me. For example, instead of saying that he'd really like to see me he will say "there is a good movie on I really think you should come over & see it". If I am teetering on the decision he will say "it's reeeeally good though, you shouldn't miss it." I might say "do you miss seeing me and would like me to come over"? Then he will say "of course". And if I were to email him something like "I'm crazy about you" he'd email "I'm crazy about you, too". So he will reply in the same on it but can't seem to ever initiate such phrases.

 

Background is that he grew up quite rough and learned to withdraw and not trust others easily for a lot of his life. In the last couple of years particularly after he and I had met one year ago, he has blossomed in so many was within his own self.

 

Point of message: I do feel his love for me so, so much no doubt but I am a person who enjoys verbally hearing "I miss you" "I'd love to see you right now" "I care so much about you" etc. I feel strange being the only one that says these things for so long. I do sense his inborn wall there but he is opening up more and more so perhaps he will in this area also.

 

Just wanted thoughts on whether feeling it in actions should be enough or if anyone might understand what I mean when I say it seems something is missing if I don't hear him say certain things.

 

Thanks

[sparkles4]

I'm like your boyfriend, in that I don't often say warm and fuzzy things but if I care about someone it is evident by my actions and the things I do for them. I've had a sort of "colorful" past and it has always been difficult for me to trust people and open up to them fully, and saying the words "I love you" just feels really awkward. It's very frustrating, because when I'm with someone I'll do many things to show them I love them, yet they often leave and when I ask why, the answer is always "you don't love me". I've also been with a ton of men who will go on about how much they love me and how I'm the only one and blah blah blah, while they're planning to leave me or are sleeping with someone else. To me, words just don't mean very much. People will say anything.

[nutbrownhare]

I've been very happily dating someone for a year. He is wonderful in so many ways. We laugh a lot together, there is a lot of respect, kindness, thoughtfulness. We share many interests.

 

My boyfriend will definitely show me he loves me by his actions. This is so clear to me and I very literally feel it that way.

 

However, he is a little shy about verbal expression.

 

To be honest, I think you just need to accept him the way he is, and stop needing to change him. In time, he may become more verbally expressive, or he may not. You will be much more content in the relationship, though, if you look at what you have got rather than missing what you haven't.

 

Many guys are shy of expressing themselves in words. And many guys who are wonderfully poetic, romantic and very keen to express their love for you in the early days turn out to be manipulative abusers in the long run. So, really, listen to the cliche 'Actions speak louder than words', or you are likely to end up feeling disappointed in a relationship which actually sounds really positive and healthy.

 

You can't change him - that's for sure. But you can change your attitude towards him!

 

Good luck!

[Imprecision]

Guys are typically like this.

 

By nature, women are more easily persuaded by words than by action. But a smart woman would learn to look beyond words and assess a man by his action.

 

Nevertheless, since women like words so much, a man should learn to be more expressive. I recommend that you get him the book What Women Want Men to Know by Barbara De Angelis. If he reads the book, then he will definitely open up more.

[cranberrymuffin]

Thanks very much, all.

 

Sparkles: I really appreciate hearing from someone in his shoes. Beautiful. Same with the trust for him and opening up fully.

 

Nutbrown: Focus on what you have. Yes. That is exactly what I will do.

 

Imprecision: I will check out the book. True in that the "trouble" seems that generally speaking (exceptions) the preferred "language of caring" between men & women differ. Many men seem to like to show it in their own personal ways rather than speak it, and women seem to be auditory and like to hear it.

 

I'm coming to the conclusion that in the end I feel it and know it, and so the medium I get it via need not be that important. And actually, it is also very nice to get it within his actions.

 

Thanks again.

[aldridal]

I'm in the same position as you. I'm one of those guys who likes to talk about stuff all the time, and call my gf "gorgeous" every once in a while in a text or something like that. Like I'll text her, "Hey beautiful, how's your day?"

 

She'll respond with, "Hey, going good, how's urs"

 

lol.

 

But she shows me she cares for me in other ways. She bought me a painting she had designed while she was away on vacation, which was very awesome. Every once in a while, she'll send me a text saying, "I miss you etc...

 

It's a tough transition - my ex was all into the lovey-dovey crap. I used to hate it, or at least so I thought. But now that I'm with somebody who rarely expresses emotion, it's been tough. But she doesn't seem to dislike it, in fact the other day she said, "you're cute when you say the stuff you do".

 

So just do what you feel comfortable with, and just treat the times when you get a positive response as a great gift. It's a pretty sweet feeling when you get that rare "I miss you" or "I want to see you!", so look forward to them!

[cranberrymuffin]

But she doesn't seem to dislike it, in fact the other day she said, "you're cute when you say the stuff you do".

 

Hey Aldridal,

 

Exact same with my bf. He seems to like it when I say those things to him.

 

So just do what you feel comfortable with, and just treat the times when you get a positive response as a great gift. It's a pretty sweet feeling when you get that rare "I miss you" or "I want to see you!", so look forward to them!

 

I really love the idea of looking at the rare times as a gift. Awesome way to view it. After all, imagine how much it took them to muster up saying it and imagine how much they must care in order to do what may seem to them like going out on a limb. There has been that very rare time and my heart has almost melted and I almost burst into tears lol But I didn't convey that outwardly in order not to make a huge deal of it and make him uncomfortable. Then he'd really never say it again lol... What I did say was "I really appreciate your sharing your feelings with me like that just now, sweetie". And left it at that. Or "I love to hear that, that's very sweet", and left it at that.

 

Thanks for sharing that.

[annie24]

i think he's just the 'stiff upper lip' sort of guy. that's not a bad thing. you know through your actions that he loves you. if you had to go to the doctor, would he rush you there? that is important. i've been with guys the other way - all sorts of flowery romantic words, very charming, but no real actions behind it. like when i needed to go to the hospital, they really didn't care or get concerned. not good!

 

i think you just have to accept him as he is, give him positive feedback when he does say something sweet. and when he says it, you know he means it!!!

[cranberrymuffin]

if you had to go to the doctor, would he rush you there?

 

He has actually, and is just always so supportive and caring in those ways

and when he says it, you know he means it!!!

 

Thanks Annie. So true. I'll realise what it took for him to say it and know he truly means it.

 

You guys are great. You've all really helped me a lot on this