I dont understand it.

[AlexToma]

This is my very first post on this forum, and I want to express my thanks to all the members.I already found some great advices and tips, but there's still something I do not understand.

I'm youre average 18 year old teenager and besides IT, music takes alot of my free time.I'm a guitar player, a singer and a songwriter.The trouble is, I am not mainstream.I don't like today's band at all, and prefer classic rock such as GNR, Queen, Pink Floyd and many others.I just can't stand today's music, lyrics and all the show that is displayed for...nothing?

But that's just me.I'm having a little problem with my self esteem that I am fixing it by singing in front of the public and such but one thing still bothers me:

I do everything by the book, and I always end up in the friend zone and sadly, it's not always my fault.I had like 2-3 dates, but no girlfriend, no kiss till this age. comparing this to my friends who date the same person for about 3 years+, it makes me wonder what am I doing bad.I dont dress to the latest fashion, I dont listen to today's music.How on earth am I going to find someone with the same interests?

 

PS:Sorry for my bad english, it's not my native language

[Alabama]

All I can say is branch out more. Really you may find someone not with the same interests, though that helps, but at different social events. I believe that is the key really. If you have time to socialize, do it. It can just take some time until you find someone to click with. And if you are interested in the person, tell them right off the bat, rather than waiting before you get friend-zoned.

[trezz]

i know lots of girls who never get asked out.usually the best looking ones as the boys think they're out of their league.

i once asked an eldely lady why she never got married,she looked me straight in the eye and said,"no one ever asked me."

have you asked many girls out?

no one can say yes if you dont ask. if you have asked and no ones saying yes keep trying.

also as previous post said dont wait too long before you ask for a date or you will be seen as a friend not boyfriend.

reasons i have said no to different invites when younger:

he had asked two other girls out within the last 20 minutes,

asked in front of mates who were all giggling,

thought he was pulling my leg-he was beautifull,

i never said no thinking he wasent good looking more because of bad timing.

[easyguy]

I'm 22 and have never dated anyone, so you are not alone. In fact, there are men who are much older than me who are extremely shy and have never had a girlfriend.

 

From what I have gained from insight from friends, interests are just icing on the cake. I feel that people who connect the most have similar personal dispositions, not necessarily similar interests, if that makes sense. In other words, it's what you talk about after the favorite music, movies, books, hobbies, etc. Someone can have a vastly different taste in music but be aligned to you in a deeper way. I play music, too, and am not hip to most of popular music of today. But I also meet people on a regular basis who like mainstream and so-called "underground".

 

Just continue meeting people and don't worry about the commonality of interests. Sure, some are great to have, but I personally don't want to get involved with someone who is identical to me. A singer I know once told me that she has been married to her husband for longer than I've been alive. She said it is always fruitful, because she is artistic-minded, and her husband is more grounded. In turn, his grounded nature has made her more grounded, and at the same time, he has gradually become more artistic-minded.

 

Hope that helps.

[LightbulbSun]

I'm almost 27, and still haven't had a first kiss or a girlfriend, so I feel your pain. I also don't see what the problem is - I'm nerdy, but plenty of my friends (who are nerdy) are in relationships. I think I'm good looking, I'm intelligent, have a great sense of humor, I'm caring and always there for my friends...I think I'd be a good catch!

 

I think sometimes love is just the luck of the draw. Some people find love early in life, and some find it later. There's probably a single 18 year old girl somewhere who's going 'why don't any guys show interest in me?', and she'd be really attracted to you.

[CrazyKing]

Quit that, not being "mainstream" ain't the reason, it's just how you take it...

I only listen to like - 3 bands that appeared after the early 90's and I know a plenty of people who don't like the new crap (sorry) at all...

 

BTW - singers and songwriters are damn attractive to girls, no matter if they like the stuff you play or not, just put enough heart in it and they'll be all over...

[trezz]

does anyone mind me asking how many girls they have asked out?

if your too shy to ask a girl out she cant say yes.

if you are asking girls out and taking the refusal to much to heart that must be painful.

maybe yous are asking when it's just not a good time for the girl.

dont go asking every girl in sight out as this is very off putting,if the girl finds out she's your fourth attempt she'll proberly say no just for that reason.

[AlexToma]

Thanks for all the replies!I don't think singers/song writers are so "hot" as long as long as they lose theirselfs when they start talking to girls

Not to mention, I dont want a fly-by relationship.All these girls want is to brag about me being with them and nothing more.

 

And to quote trezz: I asked about, hmmm 3 girls out? I know it's not much but they usually say I ask them too fast and we should know each other first.But I don't want to talk on a instant chat or by text, I want to meet them.

And if I talk too much with them,I get friend zoned...

[trezz]

keep trying. next time a girl says you asked to fast we should get to know each other first how about saying we could do that over lunch/coffee?

a day time meeting is not as loaded as an evening date much more fun and relaxed.

of course then you could get friend zoned again!

why is dating such a puzzle?

[AlexToma]

Heh, I might be too young to answer to this question...

[dr_styles]

I'm 22 and have never dated anyone, so you are not alone. In fact, there are men who are much older than me who are extremely shy and have never had a girlfriend.

 

I'm almost 27, and still haven't had a first kiss or a girlfriend, so I feel your pain. I also don't see what the problem is - I'm nerdy, but plenty of my friends (who are nerdy) are in relationships. I think I'm good looking, I'm intelligent, have a great sense of humor, I'm caring and always there for my friends...I think I'd be a good catch!

 

Talking about us hehe.

 

does anyone mind me asking how many girls they have asked out?

if your too shy to ask a girl out she cant say yes.

 

Well for me, not many. In the past it was because of shyness and (yes believe me here) I was never taught to. Anyway nowadays the barrier is because I never reach the stage of asking them out (if they even know I exist in the first place).

 

Well more to the original point, I know what I'm doing wrong (or more so what I didn't do or learn in the past), but still "I don't understand it" with what I have/done and I'm not a complete hermit. I can't blame bad luck that much, as promising as it would be to.

[trezz]

is this a stupid question? would yous be so horrified by a woman asking yous out yous would say no?

it just seems so cruel that decent guys are too shy to ask and the same goes for decent women who are too afraid to ask.

i dont know how to help.

i just think it's sad that opporunity is missed and so many people want to be a couple.

[Knight of Hope]

why is dating such a puzzle?

 

Dating is such a puzzle because people so strongly guard their own hearts. They don't want to get hurt, so they build up a huge system of defenses that a potential significant other has to make it past. If a person makes it past every line of defense, then he or she is obviously worth taking a chance on. If not, then it was never meant to be.

 

Heartbreak sucks (I've experienced it often enough), but we really don't need all the crap I described above.

[DaBladeRoden]

does anyone mind me asking how many girls they have asked out?

if your too shy to ask a girl out she cant say yes.

if you are asking girls out and taking the refusal to much to heart that must be painful.

maybe yous are asking when it's just not a good time for the girl.

dont go asking every girl in sight out as this is very off putting,if the girl finds out she's your fourth attempt she'll proberly say no just for that reason.

 

Interesting conundrum. The more women you ask out, the better you improve your odds. But also women don't want to feel like just another women you asked out.

[trezz]

that's part of the puzzle.

woman want to feel asked out because they are liked not just because 'any girl will do because i want any girlfriend.'

so do you start a new hobby where people dont bar crawl to get more drinks but to find a new room full of women to ask out(one invite per bar/gym/wherever?)

then over a night you could be rejected countless times and go home depressed.

i think it comes down to the choice of am i able to cope with the possible rejection or dont take any risk and never get the chance of a date.

there seems to be no answer to this one.

op i think you just have to stay true to yourself and your interests maybe look closer at the audience maybe theres a girl who keeps appearing but you havent noticed her yet. some girls are shy and stay in the background.

do you ever come off stage and hang around on your own giving a girl time to hover around you but not pushy enough to be under your nose? if she's out there already she may need an excuse to get close with out being pushy or frightened off by a group surrounding you.

[AlexToma]

I do come offstage sometimes but I always get assaulted by stage technicians with questions, and when I finally have some time to rest, I really want to just lay back.We do have some fans coming backstage but they are only there for some pictures and a autograph mostly.

Hah, I do remember a time when we finished and we were packing our gear when some girl just assaulted me and I couldn't get her off of me till I gave her my number.We talked for some time but nothing happened.

Trezz, you are absolutely right about this "woman want to feel asked out because they are liked not just because 'any girl will do because i want any girlfriend.'

I think I am trying too hard to find someone and I'm missing so much of life's beauty.I started out so shy on stage, but I build confidence to the point that I can actually feel what the public feels and it's a wonderful feeling.

I guess "fame" doesn't bring you total happines going to be in my seniour year at high-school and I just can't wait to go to college.I hope things will be better there.

[trezz]

college sounds good because you will be there long enough to get to know lots of people and they will get to know you.

glad nothing happened with the girl who assulated you! not a great start to a relationship?

look closer at the quieter girls who turn up often,they MIGHT want more then an autograph. would it be cheeky to sign and add- coffee sometime?

enjoy and relax sounds like thats the direction your headed in anyway.

[AlexToma]

Hey, I thought I should post an update here been talking to this girl I met on a social website for about 3 months and yesturday we had our first date.We ended up talking a walk at the Zoo and after we visited the animals there we started chatting on a bench there.We holded our hands, snuggled and at the end she kissed me haha.I was thinking how should I say I want to kiss here and then she just jumped in