Could use some advice...

[ladym]

I don't typically log into forums but...I just really want an outside opinion on this. Help?

 

I and my boyfriend dated for about a year and a half. For the duration of our relationship we had a few minor quibbles and only one real fight...our relationship was wonderfully. He'd remark about how perfectly we fit together and that he really loved being with me, that he wanted to do it for the rest of his life...we were making plans to take a trip to Florida to see some of my family this November and I was always around his family and we had a ton of fun together. There was so much love between us it my some of my friends vaguely jealous. We were together on a Wednesday and we'd been talking about our future...that night we took a nap before I headed home (we live in different towns, but saw each other twice a week) and when we woke up, I made some sort of smart aleck comment that he normally would have laughed off, but the next day he didn't speak to me and that Friday he told me he was mad with me, but wouldn't elaborate why. Needless to say, I was a wreck until I saw him that Sunday.

 

That Sunday he said he wanted to break up with me, but then changed his mind and wanted a week to think, he didn't want to make any rash decisions, so we stayed together for a week. The next Sunday he broke up with me again, and AGAIN he decided that he wanted to stay with me, but he wanted to take a sort of break and have us just take a pause (which I was fine with). We had established that he would call me on Wednesdays and I'd see him in two weeks (which was, of course, fine). But that Wednesday, he didn't call. He'd been sick, so I called him to make sure he was okay, but he didn't answer so I gave up. I called him the next day, again no answer. Over the next two months he spoke to me twice (when we found out that I may have cervical cancer (which I didn't))...never about us, but about my health and he would ask our mutual friends how I was.

 

In July, I'd finally had enough of the silence. I broke up with him, even though it broke my heart to do so because it wasn't what I wanted, and he finally talked to me that night. He told me that he missed me and regretted his actions, but that he didn't know what he was doing with himself anymore and he'd been pushing me away and he realized that it was wrong, but he wanted a break from me and from himself. That hurt, sure, but we decided to be friends because he said he still wanted to be my friend at the very least.

 

He hasn't spoken to me much and, in the short time we've been broken up, he bought two cars within days, if not only a week, of each other and has gone to this huge concert with his guy friends, which I don't begrudge him, it's just that it's not normal for him to spend his money so fast.

 

I don't know what to do. I've been giving him his space, only trying to reach out once every few weeks (which fails, so I don't try again until two weeks later). I've been going on about my life as best I can, trying new things, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm missing some very vital part of my life that I had when I was with him.

 

I just want to know what all of you think of the situation...do you think he'll come back? Is there some underlying sign I'm missing in our breakup? It's like one day we were talking about spending our lives together and planning out the holidays, the next I know he's going through what appears to be an early midlife crisis (he's turning 21 in a few weeks). Was it cold feet, you think? I honestly don't know what to think anymore...any positively worded input is welcome.

[waveseer]

You have a golden opportunity to become the person you've always wanted to be so you can feel good about yourself and your life with or without him in it. It's only natural to miss having contact with him, however, he is currently choosing other things so accepting that will set you free.

[larryburst]

Hey, i kinda went through the same thing (u can read my intro threads for more info)... it seems like you're doing all thr right things, i'd give him all the space in the world, but not for him, for you... it definetly sounds like GIGS (search for it on ena, you'll find alot). let him do whatever he likes for a WHILE and slowly back off and learn to love your own life again. there is no gaurantee to any thing but it seems like you're taking it allright... you're doing good so far. Alot of the times, when there is nothing fundamentally wrong in the relationship, people to get back together (Not ALL the time though) but usually only after the erson that has gone through the most hurt is living their own life, fine without the other. Give it space and time... he has to start to miss you.

 

from the sound of it though, you're doing a heck of alot better than many people!

[ladym]

Thank you, so much for replying.

 

I'm doing better now than I was...for a while, because of losing him and the cancer scare, I was a walking wreck. I couldn't function properly and all I wanted was to talk to him but he wasn't having that, so I moped about for a bit but ultimately picked myself up again.

 

I really am loving my life again, I learned to knit and am thinking about picking up salsa dancing but...I miss him terribly. I do understand that staying away from him is a good thing, even though it's not what -really- want to do, I'm restraining myself and trying to go out and have fun and not worry about him.

 

I dunno...I just wish things could be different. I mean, what was with the multiple, let's break up, let's work it out? Those were all his choices and I made the choice to break up with him, setting him free. I just often wonder what the heck he was thinking when he did those things.

[Chickenjuice]

I know how that feels, to be in limbo, not knowing whether it's a storm that will pass, or whether it's OVER. Usually it turns out to be a prolonged agony of an eventual breakup, but it could be just a rare case of actually "needing space".

But you are doing the right thing to have NC... keep up the good work! Every week gets easier (I don't say every day gets easier, because there are good days and bad days, especially for women, LOL).

 

(((((I had the cervical cancer scare too, a few years back. I had cryosurgery to remove the precancerous condition, and soon after, everything was back to normal.))))) Best of luck to you.