Divorce Unfolding

[cashan]

I have had a mostly normal marriage the last five years with it's up's and down's, we haven't cheated or anything of that nature. We have argurements about stuipd stuff but lately the fights have gotten more explosive usually ending up with my wife Throwing the D word at me in the argument.

Most of these fights have been about finacies, which i admit is hard for everyone, and not spending enough time with her which i admit i like to have some personal time to my self.

Yesterday i had a court appereance because i was suing a friend that owed me money. And during that court session i had brought up my wife is taking stress medication and the defendant responded, that how was he to know that she wasn't taking those before the above situation. So long story short was that she was asked to leave the courtroom. Fast forward to outside the court house her and her friend were standing outside she was yelling at her friend and i walk out i could see through the glass doors i almost didn't want to walk outside but i won so i thought everything was good.

She starts to yell at me saying "why didn't you stick up for me and the kids."

i repley nothing was mentioned of you and the kids. then she said. "you have ruined mine and the kids future's" i didn't know what to think i blocked everything out i was like at least we got something which is better than nothing.

She yells at me in front of the court house, which is not the first time i got a public a$$ chewing over something non excistant, stating that she is done and doesn't want to be with me. her friend gives me a idk * * * jesture. i start heading towards my vehicle and say he you coming she yells back "no i'm walking." her friend offers her a ride which she denys. so i drive around the block offering her a ride she yells profanity at me so i drive back home. I confused cause i won the case.

so later that night she returns home saying she is filing a D. she doesn't want to be with me cause i dont stick up for her and i am not to touch her cause she says she will call the cops. i am extremely confused.

i start to fall asleep, she keeps coming into the room yelling that i never stand up for her, which i always have, and that she is done with our marrige

and that it isn't about money from the court case. i figure whe just needs to vent.

the next morning i keep my distance make breakfast for the kids. She reminds me that our marraige is over. leaving me with mixed feelings and heads off 2 hours early to work.

[Esteller]

oh man. you are having a hard time.. it is stressful i can assume. have you just tried and sit there and let her talk. and listen to her. actually listen. and then work on things to fix the problem?

[InBruges]

Sounds to me like the court situation was just an excuse to do something she already wanted to do. What the real reasons are you may never get out of her and it may not even be worth it to try.

 

Just have confidence in yourself and your own actions. You can ask if there's anything you can do to help heal the marriage, but if she throws out shouldas and couldas or anything other than a straight answer, then it would be fairly apparent that her mind is set.

[cashan]

through out the day today she has been sending me umm can i say hatefull text msg's unprovoked. wondering if i should still keep my distance to let her vent or say something.

[cashan]

so last night the boys wanted to sleep in my room which i thought would be fine, since i was feeling down in the dumps. when the old lady got home she was upset that the boys had taken up her room which never bothered her before. so i got up and suggested we go to counciling as a friend of mine had advised the reply i got was YOU go to couciling in a some what hostile voice.

So this morning i call and the earlist appointment i could get is a week and a half from now. i'm just hoping that she'll join me or am i just chasing a white rabbit?

[cashan]

just an update for today.

went to my moms bday party with my boys, and my wife got upset sounded jeolus i'm not sure. i told her the counciler will see me tommarow morning as a spot opened up. hopefully all goes well i'll keep my distance and remain calm tonight. for some reason have the beatles song "alittle help from my friends" stuck in my head when i talk to her

[cashan]

so i went to the counciler by myself today. the counciler was a really super guy explained alot about himself and how it works. so at the end of the session the psycotherapist ended up saying that i could be to NICE, also the relationship was deffently salvageable since there hasn't been any abuse or anything like that. that the court case it self was a benchmark in our relationship, and on monday he would like for my wife to come. so fast forword through today things were going alright as i did all the yardwork while she took the kids to the park. i cooked dinner i metioned that the morgage payment was coming up. she replied in exact words "i'm not helping with the morgage and maybe you should leave, till or if you change and get back together." in my mind i was like what i gotta do cause physical harm or something. i replied if i'm taking over the morgage you have to move out.

let me fill you in. i work for a railroad and all the employees that get a divorce the other is awarded full custady of the kids due to the 24/7 completely random schedule you can go to work at 3am and then get off at 8am to go back to work 10 hours later cause thats is the mandatory rest period.

so after i told her she can move out she brings that up she'll automaticlly get full custody of the boys and keeps rubbing it in my face the rest of the night.

i'm just thinking atleast i'll be gone this weekend for work and hopefully on monday the pyscotherapist will put an end to her madness.

[cashan]

to add to the post above a good friend that has gone through a d word. said if you dont get a lawyer and plead no contest she is stuck with all her lawyer fees and court fees. not sure if it works but sounds like a good trick.

he also metioned that she might have been just after a green card and was with me for the money cause when i had the money the relationship was great.

[cashan]

Personality Disorders Appearing in Family CourtProbably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) -- more commonly seen in women. BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse -- or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse -- or attorney). Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) -- more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, which can appear similar to BPD, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger (such as in domestic violence or murder, for example the San Diego case of Betty Broderick). Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment

 

this is from another post on this forum i'm just wondering if my wife has "borderline peronality disorder" it discribes her perfectly.

 

 

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[Esteller]

well man i been watch u and reading your post on how you been doing.. looks like your hanging in there doing alll the right things you could do.. the question is... what are you going to do now? are you going to leave her? do you want your kids? whats going on..

[cashan]

friday afternoon when she got off work i was at the park with the kids. i started to receive text msgs that i was to return the kids immediately or she would call the police for not taking them home. i then said i payed the morgage she said "how you do that i took the money out of the checking account." i went home i told her she is sabotaging our home for us and the kids and that she needs to go to couciling with me on monday.

5 hours went by and she was calm cause i had to work over the weekend as far as i can see.

i still want to be together maybe the therapist will help on monday. if we need a seperation or divorce i'm worry about my boys cause there automaticlly defaulted to her due to my line of work.

[cashan]

so i got off work around 6am it was a long night on the train back home. i got up around 1130am i was hungry so i went to the kitchen i brushed my wifes shoulder asking how was everything the reply i got was dont touch me. i complety forgot that i was giving her distance. i said sorry honey. she replyed i'm not your honey. so i made my self some breakfast picked up the house alittle bit took out the trash which is impossible for her to do for some reason, and hung out with the boys for a bit.

 

i'm nervous about going to the counclier tommarow is there questions that i should bring up? i do want our marrige repaired or is it to late for that? i'm feeling really lonely is that normal?

[cashan]

on monday we went to the therapist which was kinda of funny really. She spoke the entire session mostly she was just stating facts and such on how i'm so horrible. so the therapist throughout the session would say your you stated your trial beutifully. then our time ran out, and the therapist gave some suggestions about putting the kids to bed earlyer and eating at the table regularly which we haven't done in such a long time.

so we have been working on these things even went for a walk with each other and the kids, last night.

throughout these couple days the old lady i think while enjoying herself with these moments kept reasuring herself that she was moving out sometime. at this point i'm mixed about that but after all the mental beatings from her i want her to physically but mentally i dont want her to leave.

tonight after getting the kids to bed things were going good for about an hour. then out of left field she says i want you out or i'm moving out. i reply i payed the morgage after you took ALL your money out of the account and you want me out. i say lets work things out. she says she can't stand the site of me and that i'm upsetting her.

a family friend of mine and hers wiser older couple. called me the other day and told me they thought she was crazy and asked about all the medications she was taking since it's a big point with her about the asformentioned court case. i told them she is taking 10 different medications and they told me to wright them done and give them to the therapist cause she might be a mental case. i dont want to see her hurt so this morning i left a msg. with the therapist his secretary returned the call and i gave him the list of all the medications, and haven't heard anything since.

oh i forgot the therapist, during the session she brought it up how she would like me to move out, the therapist quicky replied why dont you move out? she stumbled and and mumbled something i chuckled inside.

[John Bendix]

Cashan,

 

Sorry that you are going through all of this but I , as well as many others here, have been there.

 

The two parts in bold above were also said in the same way to me. "I can't stand the sight of you" was the exact phrase in a very hostile way and it was said "out of left field". We were just walking past each other in the hallway. My X would walk into my office at home and just blurt out, "So, when are you moving out?".

 

Just out of curiosity, if I may ask, where is she getting these 10 medications? Physician? Pyschiatrist? Many different doctors? Are they for physical, mental or emotional ailments? This does not seem very good. Does she have a glassy look in her eyes?

 

Hopefully the therapists is sharp enough to pick up on these things. A good one will take their and rush to too many conclusions too fast. It is hard to see somtimes what a therapist is trying to accomplish but they want to gather as much information for a better insight into the prolems.

[cashan]

she has gotten these medications from the same Physician. she says there for migrain headaches and sleeping probs. yeah i think i have noticed a glassy look in her eyes before.

[cashan]

well today i've been thinking. the last couple years she hasn't showed any affection or anything emotionally positive i'm about to show my hand and fold. should i keep going? i want the relationship to work but right now i'm emotionally beat down

[cashan]

she'll attend theraphy but the next session is sept. 17 it's quite awhile to till then. the last session she got the whole session to put things on the table.

[cashan]

glassy look/ hha, i wanna know how YOU would be feeling when your head is splitting apart and you wanna bang it on the floor , cant moove or see and wana kill yourself, because all known above mentioned meds are not killing it-and realizing how bad it is if oly hidrocodone can kill it all, if i"m lucky or just to numb it down- and all for no medical reason-clear MRI and neuro exam-they all say stress is the reason or dont know because the nature of headaches is still unknown-and not a rebound, because it gets severe every 2-3 days, and i have gone before meds for a period and still kept happenning, unbearable to live-when you feel like your head is a brewing pot of pain all the time-HAVE A HEADACHE LIKE MINE and then judje-----and oh yeah, by the way, not trying to find an excuse or explain myself----SHOCked reading and thats all after ME taking care of the kids 24/7, house, bills, supporting his school and building a perfect credit history to buy a bigger house for all of us----and getting NONE in response, -oh, come on-he says, its my day off i'll just play a little bit, 10 more min, 10 more, 10 more.....till its time to go to bed and then oh, by the way , i wanna * * * * too---did he ever wonder if i was tired AT ALL---never, NO help from husband or family-physically or mentionally, I THINK YOU WILL HAVE SUPER GLOSSY LOOK IN YOUR EYES-----and doing other HUSBAND stuff--mowing loan( not to mention )i never mowed over kids toys!!!! putting doors in----myself or me my mom and he showed up at the very end---need any help?---------------STUFF has just been growing and growing and finally bloomed, thats what you get for doing or not doing to be exact and saying, why are you tiered--been sitting on your ass all day-----RASING THE KIDS BY YOURSELF, hmmm, let me think----IT'S A VACATION , WHAT TO COMPLAIN about____FYI---never had a vac---high school, then college for 5 yrs, then move and work and work and work---oh, yeah, not to mention, wedding paid by my family, sending us money to help out, $30 000 if you think is a LOT of money in a remote town in Russia---my dad is not a mob----and when he asked his mom if they could help out to rent tux for our wedding--they turned around and said---oh, we dont have any money, we're putting new windows in the house------and thats when they were making 80K a yr (filled out paperwork for immigration)--yes i was illigal at a time, but marriage was not a point, could have done that right away in 2001 if that what was my goal----IT's NOT about the money---30K went to pay off OUR debts, including HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND'S DEBT, THAT WE'RE STILL PAYING OFF---------thank YOU VERY much, now i go to work and bring money and he is sitting on his ass all day long doing nothing---no, seriously if you would have seen what the house turned in to---snake pit, i'm sorry, i was raised in a clean apt. that was dusted every day, not like my in-laws, may be i just fell in love with the wrong person, who is too intelligent and bright to understand what i'm going through and THE GLOSSY LOOK-----and FYI, if i move out, he's gonna lose the house, the kids and a part of his income as well to a chid suuport, no custody battle here and i'LL get the kids or hi's gonna quit the job because ----THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME psycologically____that's if he knew and didn't have to guess now because every time i came from the doc's and told him about it he was too busy to listen, because it it way more important to BATTLE in a game world!!!!!

the conclusion----yeah i am really a psyco on soOO many meds ( prn or dc not count , ddaaa) and have a glossy look in my eyes!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, olga

[love-advisor]

I am sorry to hear the state of affair you are going through.Talk to your wife and see whats unfolds.