Unsure of current situation -long post- All advice welcome

[MJL]

Hi all, as you can tell im new around here. Before i start ill say thank you to everyone who has contributed on here, your advice and conversations have helped me to understand myself and others more fully in this time of confusion.

 

Thanks in advance for reading all this, it's kinda me getting this off my chest as well as explaining it to you all

 

Ok, so here's my situation. I'll give you all the information as best i can, but if you have any other questions that could help me/you understand better then please ask away.

 

I had been seeing my girlfriend for a year, and our anniversary was 1st of march, we did that to save confusion. I had booked us to go on the london eye and go out for a meal afterwards. I kept it a surprise and for weeks she was genuinely looking forward to it, kept trying to guess where we were going and stuff. So this was a major point in our relationship, her only other "serious" relationship lasted 6 months, and this was my first relationship of any form with a girl.

 

Now i'll give you a little background as to how we met. We went to school together, and sat next to each other in one class. She was a nice girl, and unlike many others at school, i felt i could approach her and talk. We chatted on MSN and briefly at school, this lasted till we went to college. A lot of her friends had gone to another college, so i was one of her main people to talk to at college. By this time i was really interested in her, and we went out a few times with friends. Anyway that new year, 2002/03 , we had our first kiss and in my drunken state i told her i love her lol. so few months after this after seeing each other alot, we slowly but surely got serious. she said she loved me, and once broke down in tears because she didn't want to lose me like her last love. i reassured her i will allways be here. fast forward until after that summer, and things were good, but this is where i now see things started going down hill. I had this problem with her smoking, but she had reassured me she had stopped. i knew she had, but anytime she went somewhere without me i got paranoid she was smoking. this caused a few minor arguments. the other problem was that i knew what some of her friends were like, and didn't love the idea of her going out, getting drunk and doing god knows what, whilst im sitting there being taken for granted. so as a result of this she hardly saw her friends, and we spent all our spare time together. this wasnt as much a problem for me because me and my mates hardly did anything anyway, ive allways been the sorta "loner" type i guess. me and my girl still loved each other dearly though.

 

Now nearer to the break up, i was staying at hers and when we were going to sleep i just sat up and started crying. Things at home weren't good for me, hadnt been for a while, and she was the only person who i could truly talk to it about. anyway that night she said to me " don't crush me". i now fully understand what she meant by this.

 

So both our birthdays come and go, as does valentines day, no problems there. Then our anniversary comes by. We agreed not to give presents/cards but we had this london eye thing booked for a while so that was my present to her i guess. We had college that day, was a monday, and in the evening, like usual, we went to her house because her parents were out and cooked dinner. It felt a little awkward, and i was probably annoyed with her for some stupid reason like i did sometimes. anyway she could tell something was up and said" look at us, its our anniversary and we're spending it like this". we had a talk about things and it was the usual about going out with friends and stuff. but we sorted it out, or so i thought.

 

ok so that wednesday was the major turning point, i knew something was up during the day at college, but on the way home came the problem. She started talking to me about how she felt trapped, she needed space. It got a bit emotional, but she said she loved me and would never hurt me. Actually quite a few times she said she would never hurt me, thorugh out our relationship that is. i think it's because we were good friends. she said we shouldnt go to london on saturday because she couldnt sit there with me feeling like she did. i said well atleast come with me as a friend, and she agreed.the week before one of her best friends had text her saying that the saturday we were going to go to london was her 18th and they were going out. she replied saying that me and her were going to london and she cudnt make it. anyway she said i should give her some space and i respected this.

 

the next day at college again there was something between us. on the way home i said to her i felt "torn apart" because i couldnt understand why she wanted this at the time. we talked a bit, and she mentioned taking a break, and i pointed out the difference between a break and having space. she also said she couldnt go to london again, this time i said don't worry about london, as it was clearly a problem for her.anyway i didnt talk to her again that evening, respecting her space.

 

then came the big one. on friday morning she text me, saying i need to talk to you. we used to meet each other in the morning and walk to college together everyday. we hadnt for a few days. so i was nervous as hell, expecting something bad, but not what happened.

 

she said that can i sell her tickets for a gig we had booked for may and april. then she said when she was walking home the past two days she felt free, like she could go anywhere she wanted, not like when we were together. i said i can give her space and time, but she had obviously made her mind up. i asked if there was anyone else, i didnt think there was and she said there wasnt. she's not that kind of girl. anyway after me crying and saying i ve got noone now, she gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek. i said i dont think we can be friends, i still love you, and that you know where i am if you want to talk. i couldnt face going to college that day.

 

we are getting there, trust me!

 

so i get home, have a cry and then go to the internet to find some advice. its allways been there for me in times like this. so i found an E-book and bought it, i needed advice and hadnt found this place yet. with that advice i sent her an email later that day basically saying that i would of done the same in her shoes and that ill allways admire the way she fights for what she wants. she text me saying thank you and that she was sorry.

i got a few mates together that night and went to the pub for a beer, as hard as it was to drink.

 

over the weekend me and the ex had no contact and i bought another ebook and found this site, at last!

i made the best of a bad situation and took my mum out to london as a mothers day gift, it was pretty emotional me thinking that the ex should be here and not my mum, but seeing my mums happiness, i was glad i didnt waste the tickets.

 

so the monday after the break up and its back to college. i see the ex and say hi, no conversation at all. same again on tuesday.

 

next big day is wednesday. dont make contact with ex again at college. get home and find out that my grandpa has died. Major blow, to think things could get any worse. that evening im online and ex comes on. i dont message her, then she goes offline instantly. 2 minutes later she texts me. says she wanted to talk to me today, but she understands if i dont want to talk. i said hi and that im allways here to talk, came accross as happy. she text back saying she was crying because i was talking to her. made bit of small talk and then she says does this mean we are friends? i said frineds is fine by me. she then says " God you've started me cryin again. That means so much to me. You mean so much to me. Im happy". i didnt mention my grandpa, and saw her at college the day after.

 

ok so thursday was our exam results day, so everyone was nervous. got mine and they were terrible, ex was there, hers were ok she gave me a hug and that was that.

 

So this is when i dubbed the past seven days the week from hell, which it had been.

 

That weekend ex was going abroad for college trip, basically an excuse to get drunk. she didnt speak to me on friday, so before she went i text her just to say have a good time. she replied said have a good weekend.

 

so week 2 after break up and seen her at college few times, then walking home one night with her mention my grandpa. she says im sorry. then the day before the funeral she says you know where i am if you wanna talk about things. i said thanks that means alot to me, which it did. on the friday, exactly 2 weeks after break up she had some problems at college, she was a bit upset, so we had a talk, and i gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek. she seemed happy around me.

 

that weekend i ask her how she is in a txt, and she says ok, but alittle reluctant to talk.

 

then the third week, she seems bit less interested in me, not talking as much. text her a few times and talked on net mind.

anyway so that saturday i ring her, and set up to go out for some lunch the following week. she agrees, so im kinda happy.

 

on the monday i text her saying that i know shes busy, she had alot of work on, but i believe in her. her reply was a bit cold, so from then i havent text her.

 

anyway, fast forward to the lunch meeting. im there on time, she is 5 mins late due to work. went to a local place, but then i felt like she had no interest. i was maintaing eye contact, asking questions about her and was happy. towards the end she opened up a little, but not much. at the end, bout 40 minutes, she asked if i was ok. i said im fine, and she hugged me, and i kissed her on the cheek. then i caught her eyes just after the hug. she had looked at me like this a few times since we broke. i knew these eyes, they had love and feeling in them. kinda bedroom eyes, hard to explain really lol. anyway after that i was decided on no contact, but do something soon.

 

briefly spoke to her on the monday after, but because we are on easter holidays im not seeing her, want her to miss me. earlier that day she saw my mum in the supermarket and made an effort to go say hi.

 

so from monday to thursday have no contact. thu i call her to set up this date. there is a free gig on near us and i know it will be ideal, because she is low on cash and loves music. its this wednesday. anyway she seemed like she didnt really wanna talk. then when i ask her to go out she says she's got too much work to do. if she really wanted to go she would of instantly said yes. i say oh go on its only for couple hours and then she says ill get back to you. its now monday/tuesday and she hasnt got back to me yet, ill let her make the move to talk to me.

 

phew! finally got that all out of me! thanks to anyone who's read this all, probably bored to death i expect!

 

now heres where im unsure. she says i mean so much to her, yet she cant see a couple of hours to see me. she gives me the look of love and affection, yet she is sometimes cold and not willing to make contact.

 

i know she needs to miss me, and thats what im trying to do, but she see's her friends so much i don't thinks she has time to miss me.

 

ive cried so many nights, but im also a changed much better person. i dont wanna say this to her, i want her to experience the change in me. god ive been working out everyday and i was renound for being lazy!

 

ive read some good books and have been improving myself, but i fear that she is slipping away from me.

 

im expecting her to say she cant come for our date on wednesday, it will come as no surprise.

 

so anyway think ive got everything down here now, just need bit of advice/support/ideas anything!

 

ive sorta got along term gameplan in my head, which can work depending on how she reacts to things etc, but still think i need some unbiased opinions!

 

thank you all so much in advance Matt xx

[bones]

Your story is really moving in it's detail. I don't know if your like me but I would really focus on the good stuff you've done. It sounds like you've taken some really positive steps. I would suggest you keep reading and thinking and exercising and looking after yourself. I would try to think a little bit less about her. Sometimes people get scared by that. You sound like you've really played it cool but try letting go a little bit. To me it sounds like you are doing a lot of giving. If you really need to talk to her, she'll always be there if she's as nice as you make her sound. In the mean time maybe let go a little.

It may be she misses you but is a bit scared of you putting so much hope 'in one envelope.' The best stuff happens when you least expect it and don't try for it.

It doesn't seem so good but there is truth in some of these cliche's.

Good Luck x

[MJL]

hey thanks for the reply. Yeah i have started to let go, has been 10 days since ive spoken to her and 2 weeks since i've seen her. I'm still unsure, as ive said in my other topic, what should i do if/when she contact me? play it cool? ignore it? this is what is confusing me at the moment.

thanks,

matt.

[nick23]

Matt, I am in a similar situation with my ex, she only wants to see me when she asks but when I make an effort to do something with her she brushes me off and doesnt talk to me for days. It seems with my ex she cant go a week without atleast speaking to me.

 

Continue working out and having positive thoughts, its only going to benefit yourself. Think of all the new girls you are going to attract more instead of trying to attract your ex back. It really is true that it takes time to get over someone, even though you may never fully get over them. Keep doing what your doing, its the right thing. In time if she truly loves you she will come back to you once she realizes how much of a good thing you are or once the first guy she meets treats her bad.

 

Nick

[shockeddismayed]

Hey MJL

 

I think you have been very good to this girl. Take pride in that.

 

I am curious what happened throughout May, but I'll assume that you were in periodic contact.

 

I don't really know what to think about your EXes behaviour... except that it seems that girls at her age really start to come into themselves. It is a period of self discovery. Unfortunately sometimes they need to do it alone.

 

I don't think there was much you did to bring this on... but you would know best. From what you've mentioned, there were some trust issues (ie you not trusting that she wasn't smoking... you not trusting what she'd be up to with her no-good friends when she was out). Think about that issue for a while (and any others you come up with) from both sides. How would it have made her feel? Why did you feel this way?

 

That will give you some way to learn and grow from this experience.

 

As for what to do... it sounds like she isn't dating anyone else.. so I'm unsure what you should do. However I don't think you should be too available for this girl. I think at this point it is a choice between strict NC and modified NC (ie you pick up when she initiates).

 

For the next few weeks, it is probably best to do strict NC. You can always blame it on exams if she gets upset.

 

After that it is likely summer break for you... so if she calls once a month to see how your summer it going, it shouldn't hurt you too much to answer it... but NO relationship chat. If there is distance involved, there is nothing to be gained by working each other up emotionally over the phone.

 

By the time September rolls around again, things will have sorted themselves out. If I had to guess, I'd say she'll call or email a bit over the summer... she'll make a date to see you in September... and based on that meeting you'll know where you stand.

 

In the meantime, study hard... your passing these exams is your top priority right now. Next, top priority is a summer job, and so on.

 

I think you are doing fine.

 

S&D

[MJL]

hey shocked, thanks for that reply, is really encouraging!

 

As you said, during may we had periodic contact, mainly due to being at college together etc.

 

As for her splitting, i think it was a combination of the "self discovery" you were talking about, and me being a bit too controlling. I think the "is the grass greener?" argument is in play here aswell.

 

As for no contact, i'll try my best, but it is hard. With the exams there's a huge chance ill bump into her, because we take similair exams, and they often put everyone into the same room. What do you guys think i should do if i see her, or she initiates some sort of contact? I allways find those kind of situations the hardest.

 

Thanks again,

Matt xx

[Sparky21]

Hey,

 

You say its inevitable that your going to see her which must be tough knowing it going to happen

 

I think the best thinnk for you to do is talk to her, make sure you arent coming accross as ignorant to her, you have done nothing wrong so far so why start now?

 

If you dont act bitter then she will see what she has lost and u will have no regrets about how u have handle the situation!

 

Sarah x