gabana Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 so my bf and i have been planning to take a weekend trip for a while now. i suggested a city that we both like, which is close enough that we can drive and just need hotel reservations, not plane tix. so he agreed and i confirmed w/ him again later b/c he can be kinda flaky. i specifically asked if i should go ahead and make the hotel reservations, since we might not be able to cancel last minute (this was last weekend, 6 days before the planned trip this weekend), and he said yes. so i did make them on a budget travel site and i told him about it. then last night i asked him if he was excited about the trip, and he said not really because he couldn't afford it right now, had a lot going on, etc., and i said that it sounded like he wanted to cancel, and he said yes, he really wanted to take a vacation with me, but now wasn't a good time and could we cancel? i said i wasn't sure because i had booked through the budget site, etc. anyway, long story short, i cancelled & we have to pay a full night's hotel fare plus tax as the cancellation fee. so...i tried not to get too upset last night, but i'm pissed!!! i feel like i was careful to doublecheck about the trip and reservations with him, he said last weekend that he was really excited about it, and i told him that w/ the budget travel booking sites we probably couldn't cancel for free. it took a long time to find a good deal on a nice hotel, so the entire planning effort was a waste of my time and money. also, i feel like the whole thing is really weird because if i hadn't brought the trip up, he wouldn't even have mentioned it- was he going to wait until the morning of the trip or something to back out? i asked him last night why he didn't bring up his concerns last week, and his response was that i knew all about what was going on in his life-- so presumably i should have guessed, read his mind, and seen through his "yes" response to his thoughts??!! i think part of my anger/irritation stems from his general flakiness, like he often doesn't follow through on plans, and i'm the type of person who's very detailed-oriented and follows through, like if i say i'll do something, i will. anyway, i'd appreciate your thoughts on this...am i making a big deal out of nothing? how should i handle this situation to express my feelings calmly but still convey how irritated i am? or should i just keep quiet?? Link to comment
savignon Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Well, depending on how comfortable you would be, you could ask him for half the money you lost as a result of the cancellation. Or, just mention that you yourself don't have that kind of money to lose and wish he had been more clear...maybe then he'd OFFER to give you half which would be ideal. Regardless, it doesn't seem to be so much about the money as it does about his backing out of a weekend you took a lot of thought planning. I would express those concerns in order of how much they upset you and if he's not receptive or appologetic or understanding....(read: if he thinks this is your fault for not reading his mind), then he's probably not capable of giving you what you need right now while all of these things going on in his life (whatever he was referring to when he said that) Link to comment
WindowTo Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Well if you want to receive sensitivity to feelings you should first seek to express that virtue. Try comforting your bf over his financial woes and stress level. Make him feel better and empathize, if both of you are givers then he will try and make you feel better about having to set up and cancel the trip. If not, then I guess you can bring it up. Why dive into negative things when you can get there with positive emotions first? Link to comment
alli Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Well if you want to receive sensitivity to feelings you should first seek to express that virtue. Try comforting your bf over his financial woes and stress level. Make him feel better and empathize, if both of you are givers then he will try and make you feel better about having to set up and cancel the trip. If not, then I guess you can bring it up. Why dive into negative things when you can get there with positive emotions first? Eh, I think I would just express my feelings of being pissed off. Why should he get sympathy for his money issue when he has no problem wasting his girlfriend's money? Saying he would definitely go, then cancelling after she already spent all the money. And none of his circumstances had changed! He knew 4 days ago what his "issues" were and he agreed to go then. It's not like he suddenly encountered an unexpected financial disaster. I agree, he is a flake. And that would drive me nuts, too. How he conducted himself throughout this whole scenario, then saying YOU should have had the clairvoyancy to know that his real answer was "no" even when he was saying "yes", so really I guess it's not his fault that you lost your money from his inability to stick to a decision. If I were you, I would still take the trip with a girlfriend. And depending on how often this sort of thing happens and he blames you for his mistakes that end up costing you, I would reconsider the relationship. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 If I were you, I would still take the trip with a girlfriend. And depending on how often this sort of thing happens and he blames you for his mistakes that end up costing you, I would reconsider the relationship. Oh, fun! Yes, go with a girlfriend!!! And I'd def. reconsider the relationship if I had to really strain to get him to see what he'd done wrong and his attitude was "well, you know what my problems are"....sounds like Eore from Winnie the Pooh....ick!! Link to comment
gabana Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 he was apologetic about it and actually has offered to pay for half the of cancellation fee on his own...he's an amazing guy, i didn't mean to give the impression that he's an insensitive jerk! i know that his good points (caring, fun, intelligent, etc) outweigh faults and i'm not questioning the relationship, it's just that i feel frustrated and disappointed about the whole situation...i know you can't "change" people, but i wish i could find a way to get him to be more direct and decisive about things so that i wouldn't end up feeling this way... Link to comment
alli Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 he was apologetic about it and actually has offered to pay for half the of cancellation fee on his own...he's an amazing guy, i didn't mean to give the impression that he's an insensitive jerk! i know that his good points (caring, fun, intelligent, etc) outweigh faults and i'm not questioning the relationship, it's just that i feel frustrated and disappointed about the whole situation...i know you can't "change" people, but i wish i could find a way to get him to be more direct and decisive about things so that i wouldn't end up feeling this way... That's good that he offered to pay you back half. But if he will do that, why wouldn't he just go through with the trip if he's already paying half for the hotel he won't be using? Depending on what you do on the trip, the hotel is often one of the biggest expenses. It's hard to decide whether to advise people to "just dump him" or "just let it go" because you can never tell if it is an isolated incident or just part of an even bigger problem the poster hasn't mentioned. Good to know he is a good guy, other than when this sort of thing happens. I can't really think of anything you could do to prevent this from happening in the future, but if I do I'll post it later. Link to comment
savignon Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 ^^^ Tell him that! If he's a great guy and can take responsibility for his actions, then surely he can understand where you're coming from. Sounds like he does if he's offered on his own to reimburse you for the money you've lost. Tell him when he's feeling better, you'd like HIM to plan something fun for the two of you Link to comment
lakeviewguy80 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I dunno but a flaky dude? thats such a chick move with the mind reading. i wouldn't care about the money i think if anything i'd have went with a friend and said f him. I knew/know a few broads that are dating or dated dudes that pulled flakey chicks moves and they stay because "oh well hes still a great guy, blah blah blah". Does that really make up for it? What happends when he forgets to pay the light bill and the power gets cut off? Does breakfast in bed make up for that???? Link to comment
SamiJayne Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I would have offered his half of the fun to someone less flaky. He has no right to say yes, then change his mind AFTER you booked it. I hope he's going to be giving you the money for the cancelation fees? You shouldn't have to pay anything at all, it's him that backed out. He should have told you from the start about his money issues. I really feel for you. In future, make sure he books/pays for everything. So if he cancels in future its his money he's wasted. Not yours! Link to comment
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