Finally Ready to Share....

[PinkLotus]

I've been reading here for weeks, getting a feel for this forum. I've read many of the threads, and posted to a few, so I think I finally feel safe enough to share.

 

My ex and I were together a little more than 2 years. Our romance was almost perfect in the beginning. So perfect that I felt like I was the lead role in a romantic flick. I used to call him "the manual" as in "You are the manual, from which all men should learn how to treat a lady." We had an intense chemistry from jump. He tried t kiss me within 20 minutes of meeting me. We fell hard and fast. In hindsight we moved way too fast, even though it was a situational thing that felt right at the time. We ended up living together at his mom's place for a year after we had been dating just a short time, at first because he got seriously injured and I was helping to take care of him. Then it turned in to an us vs. the world scenario where we saved to have a place, a HOME, of our own. Looking back, our time together in that small little bedroom was the best of times for us. Things really began to change for the worse and quickly once we got our own place together.

 

The fighting got to an all-time high for us, and sometimes he would get verbally abusive. My ex is 7 years younger than me, and though he can be quite mature I know he still has a lot of growing to do. He broke up with me a few times within months of moving in to our own place; which btw was suuuuch a beautiful home. I promise yall, I was a great girlfriend most of the time. I am a hell of a homemaker. I'm sweet and affectionate. I taught him everything I know.... even how to DRIVE! That damn car we got together in the beginning of '08 also added fuel to our breakup fire, I'm realizing. I could go on and on with all of my qualifications and reasons why I don't feel I deserved what I got in the end; but it'll do no good. The bottom line is that my guy wanted out of our relationship and living situation. So he got out, no holds barred.

 

He broke our lease 9 months in, and left with all his stuff one day while I was at work. And some of my stuff to, but I later got it back so I'm not even salty about it any more. This was the end of June. He had broken up with me for the last time at the end of May, but we were trying to remain friends and roommates, until one day something just changed with him. Since he broke our lease I've been staying with a friend and rebuilding some semblance of a normal life. Some days seem easy; others seem like pure torture.

 

Now, as far as WHY he did what he did; he told me a lot in the midst of an ugly fight; but I don't know what to believe and what to take with a grain of salt. The bottom line for him was that he felt tortured staying in a relationship with me because he wasn't attracted to me any more; and hadn't been for a while. Then he said he was never that attracted to me. Not even in the beginning before I had put on some excess comfort weight. You know, the beginning when he couldn't help but try to kiss me within the first 20 minutes. The man pursued ME hardcore in the beginning, not the other way around. This is what he told me, tough, and I had to accept it and move on.

 

A month later I came home to find an almost empty apartment, and my heart and mind simultaneously shattered. It was really bad. I don't even have it in me to go in to all the details, as I am definitely more over it than not and choose not to relive it again right this moment. I actually told him today that I forgive him. And I meant it. I am blessed to have good people helping me during a trying time, and I am making the best out of this breakup, and that is what is important.... right?

 

Well, I guess the reason why I am posting is this:

 

Recently he has been texting/calling me more frequently than in the beginning.... when everything was still about things/money/breakup issues. I took some time to myself, a few weeks, where I didn't make an attempt to call him or text him at all. He was the one initiating. We ended up going to an Incubus concert we already had tickets to 3 weeks after he left me for good. We had a wonderful time. Oh, and he admitted that I need to stop mothering him during our drive home, which verified what I had thought to be an underlying issue all along. Not that I tried to "mother" him per se.... it was just that I was teaching him everything I knew, as he had asked me to. I guess the dynamic got to be too motherly for him; but it wasn't my intention at all.

 

We did our little secret handshake at the end of what he kept teasingly calling our "date" and that was that. I left him alone and about a week later I heard from him again. He wanted to give me my ticket for another concert, so I met him briefly. Again, more good interaction. We made plans to look for each other at the show, and went our separate ways. It was at that point I decided to go NC until the show. It was easy knowing I'd see him 4 weeks later.

 

5 days later he texted me, asking if I had a memory card he could borrow for his camera for the weekend. Uh huh. A $10 memory card he could have easily bought himself. I chuckled to myself and called him. Mind you, I've been playing it cool since before we went to that concert together. We had a very nice 15 minute conversation before I asked him if he wanted it still.... meaning the card.... and he was all like "Do I want WHAT?" Obviously the card was never the real reason why he called.

 

Any way, in the past 10 days there has been a LOT of contact again. Most of initiated by him. I finally broke down and asked him where's he's been living tonight; and while he's not ready to tell me, he did start to talk about the breakup and his leaving the way he did. He said he knows it was bogus, but he felt like he needed to do it at the time. Which I had already believed for myself, but it was good to hear him admit that he didn't think it was the best way to end things. I have a lot of compassion for this man, and Lord do I love him so. Despite it all. I have faith that this man will grow and change in to a better human being, and if this situation can be the catalyst for that growth then I am all for it.

 

He told me tonight that he wants to be my friend and spend time with me, but he feels like a hypocrite. That he went through so much to "get me out of his life" to just turn around and still have me in his life.... and that it feels "weird." He said he never expected it to be this way, because he's never been able to even be on spaking terms with an ex before; then he gave me credit saying that it's probably because I'm the most mature woman he's been with. I asked him if he could just take things one day at a time, and not stress and worry about the "what-ifs" associated with our being friends, after he said he'd have a hard time talking to me about another girl, or even talking to another girl around me for example. He said he could just take it one day at a time, which was music to my ears.

 

I think this is where I made my mistake. I told him a little bit of the truth. That I miss him, and that he's still very important to me. I wish I wouldn't have, but I did. I don't like playing games, but after reading a lot of the advice here, I think I might have fed my bird too soon! BUT, a the same time, he seems so much more open to hanging out and talking to me.... to being a real part of my life again.

 

I dunno.... he didn't say he missed me to, bu I suspect he does....

 

I just don't know what to do or how to feel right now. I would eventually LOVE to reconcile. After we've rediscovered ourselves as individuals and our friendship.... maybe. I told him we made our big mistake by moving too quickly and he totally agreed with me.... I guess it's a start, right?

 

I know this is long, sorry!! I actually left a loooooooot out, as I'm sure most of you realize because of course relationships and subsequent breakups are so complicated, and none of us would be here if we didn't have quite the story to tell!

 

Anyway, tell me what your vibe is.... please?

[faithful14]

he's really confusing....he seems to miss your company but when you opened up on your feelings for him...he seemed to close up. To me it seems like a game and I hate that! Even though you you told him that you missed him, he's got to put the effort and hard work if he wants a relationship with you. I would still continue on with your life, even if it means dating other guys. If he wants a relationship with you, he needs to grow up and do the work to make things right.

[PinkLotus]

You summarized him perfectly! CONFUSING. I appreciate you taking the time to read all that and to give me some feedback. I feel like I'm going coo coo for cocoa puffs over here!

[PinkLotus]

Speaking of dating other guys.... I might have messed up there too because I told him that I'm "dating myself" right now, and that I have no interest in seeing anyone at all. I guess I view it as messing up because I want him to push instead of pull.... he spent the last few months of our relationship running away from me. Now I just want him to realize he's made the worst mistake of his life and come running back. It's what I want, ut he may never feel that way, so I do have to just keep trucking along.

[faithful14]

well if he really wants to be with you, he will come looking for you!