I was the dumper once - I'll try to describe exactly what I felt

[exback]

4 years prior to the recent break up I WAS THE DUMPER and dumped the exact same guy that did the dumping to me now...

 

I got to know that good-looking guy at the age of 19 (he was 21) and we both loved each other at first sight. I was his first girlfriend/everything and he was my first boyfriend and everything. I felt safe being with him and loved to get touched and to touch him and to be with him as often as possible. Life felt great during that first couple of months. After 4 months I started feeling awkward and I noticed that he always tried to touch me and to be with me and so on. I didn't want that - it was just too much and I started looking at him and getting angry. Even so he looked the same as before looking at him made me feel sick and I didn't want him to touch me and started thinking he was NOT good looking and I didn't know how it could have thought otherwise. I got pretty cold and distant and even so I slept with him and kissed him I did it because I couldn't tell him what I was feeling since he was just such a nice guy. It got to the point that I NEEDED to get out as fast as possible but I was afraid to hurt him and what my friends might be thinking and our families and so on. Finally I decided I have to break up with him and I called him to tell him that I need to speak to him. I think he already knew what I was going to tell him since he brought all my stuff with him. I told him that I want to break up because I feel it won't work with us and that we are to different. That was a lie since I couldn't tell him that I felt straitened and looking at him gave me the creeps. He asked me for reasons and I tried to answer by telling him why we are so different and so on and he asked whether or not I would change my mind. I answered all questions but I felt angry for him to "torture" me while all I wanted was leaving. Finally he left and the moment he left I felt SOOOOOOOO GUILTY about hurting him but at the same time relieved. The guilt didn't vanish and I wished I could go back and comfort him and be with him but I thought it would be best for me not to and I wanted back my old life. He didn't contact me but I contacted him since I selfishly couldn't stand the thought that he could live a life without me and be happy without me even so I didn't want him back the first days. He was polite but unapproachable every time I called ( I called to talk about stupid things like computer stuff and so on). Friends told me he was fine and that made me feel even worse. I started missing the feeling of being with him. I DID NEVER think about good times and past events - no memories popped into my mind and I never felt heart-broken because I thought I could somehow go back to him since he didn't break up with me and consequently must STILL love me. Knowing that made me feel: if I want to I could. From the moment I did break up I started second guessing but the first day I came to the conclusion I did the right think. I started missing him and he obviously didn't since he didn't call me even once. Then I met with my friends and he was there too. He was having fun and was laughing and I felt so HORRIBLE that he was able to smile without me. That was the moment I changed my mind and I wanted him back (2 weeks after I had officially broken up with him). Since I saw him smiling and living his life without me I lost the thought of being able to go back with him as soon as I want to. I thought about the possibilty that he might not want me back. And I thought about what my friends/family would say if I would go back to him after I had dumped him just recently. That's why I waited for a couple of days till I couldn't stand it any longer and asked him for meeting. He was cold. Nevertheless I swallowed my pride and told him I made a mistake and he told me he already knew I wanted him back for days and that he had sworn to himself he would never take me back but he loved me too much to not take me back.

 

If he would have begged and pleaded I think I would have felt the same but it would have taken a lot more time and I would have started missing him just as soon as he would have stopped that and went NC.

 

BUT if he would have IGNORED me and my attempts to get in contact with him I would have given up thinking he might not be interested in getting back together and I lost the chance to be with him...I would have given up.

 

Fast forward: NOW 4 years later he dumped me and I made all mistakes he didn't do 4 years earlier. I begged and pleaded 5 weeks long. Now I am the dumpee.

 

The difference: As dumper I never felt heart-broken but as dumpee I do feel that way since it feels horrible to get rejected and knowing that even IF I want to talk to him and be with him - he doesn't. As dumper I knew he loves me and I could go back. Just as soon as I got insecure about that I wanted him back since I couldn't stand the idea of him living without me (that sounds horrible and selfish - I know) and being replaceable.

 

I was in such a pain the last 5.5 months since he dumped me (after 4 years, I am 23 he is 25 now)) that I totally forgot about how I felt 4 years earlier.

[johnnyp]

Thanks Exback. That's a very honest post and I'm sure will be a great help to those of us dumpees trying to understand what our exes have been feeling after the break-up. Sorry for the pain you're feeling, but at least you can now understand his side of it better than most, since you've been on both sides.

[thedude27]

I've felt similar when I've been the dumper. Its werid how you can be so attacted to the person then be physically repulsed by them later on. I found that this was really strong when she wouldnt respect my wishes and kept trying. I saw her as pathetic bordering on stalking but when I saw her upset keeping her distance I felt sorry for her. I felt really really bad, for putting her through that. Part of me was like "Just leave me alone already" and the other part felt terrible to see her act that way. I'd try to be nice, but then that would just give her hope and start up her trying again. She won me back by moving on, when she really left I started feeling like I missed her(this was about 6-8 months after the break up). On 911 she was out of town and I knew she was supposed to be getting on a plane and I freaked the hell out. The reaction shocked me that I cared so much still and that prompted us getting back together (BTW this was my current ex, its kinda funny that I dumped her then we spend years together then she dumped me, lol). Once I realized how I felt and when we finally reconciled (It took a couple months) I never felt that way again. It took quite a lot for her to give me another chance and I thought it was hopeless so I gave up. It was about that time that someone left me chocolates in my office, come to find out it was her. She stopped seeing another guy and came back.

 

After reconciling I couldnt get enough of her it stayed that way till she left ~7-8yrs later. The reason we split had nothing to do with the original break up and it could have worked if it weren't for a new issue. So I believe its possible to reconcile successfully.

[barrakuda]

love this post. thanks for sharing.

[julian19]

I love this post!!

 

I would love other people to be able to read this post also!!

 

Bum bump bump !!