in a very sticky situation with my ex

[smiles314]

Hey guys. Its been awhile since i've posted on here. BUt I'm back again about the same probelms as before, my exboyfriend. And this time especially, a guy's input would be greatly appreciate among any of you women who also may have something to say.

 

To really know my history with my ex, feel free to read my previous posts. But for a brief update, over 2 yrs ago my ex and i dated for only about 6 mos when we were 18. We met in college, and pretty much fall for each other pretty fastl During the summer, we lived over 3 hrs from each other and things didn't work out so well. I would nag him a lot about the things he was doing, and he couldn't take having to answer to me i guess, so he broke it off. Mind you, I didn't ask for much but he really couldnt handle putting forth extra effort i guess.

 

So throughout the last 2 yrs after our break up we talk online a lot and see each other everytime we are in school together. I had tried to avoid him but he just never wants to leave my life, he always finds away to be in it i guess. So i go tmyself into this probably really dumb situation with him. Whenever we see each other, that look in his eyes is still there and i feel likehe still feels something. We just hang out in his apartment, watch tv, eat, talk. But the majority of the night is all physical. He says that he is just really attracted to me, and i do agree we have great chemistry. But its gotten to the point where we kiss hello, hang out together for a few hours and then end up fooling around and having sex. We have see each other about once a week, sometimess less. At school, he doesn't fool around with anyone else which i honestly believe is true because he's always forward with me.

 

The problem is that i'm in a bind. Ialways try to avoid talking to him but after awhile i just start to miss him and i end up talking and he ends up convincing me to come over and we do the same thing every time we are together- have sex. I still believe that i have a piece ofhis heart and that he still does care for me and has feelings for me. He talks to me online a lot and stuff, and he still supposedly thinks about me. But ofcourse i tell him i want more than this and i dont liek the way it feels to be with him for only physical stuff. And he always says the same things, that he is too busy with work in school, work at a parttime job, smoking pot, and that stuff to be able to give me what i want. He says he feels bad always telling me that but he just can't do it.. And basically i protest that i can't be with him anymore, he says the same usual excuses back to me and we start this whole cycle all over again.

 

I know i part to blame for this situation.. But if its been 2 yrs like this, is it right to think that he is never going to be able to give me what i want? I feel like he never really loved me, he just wants to have sex with me but i hope thats not true. He hates when i say that to him because he insists its more than that. But shouldn't he give me some of what i want? I mean take me out sometimes, just do more with me? So does anybody have advice about this guy? A way to maybe get what i want from him, I was wondering if theres something that would make a guy jump to you. I feel like if he knews i was happy with someone else he'd be crushed...But i also feel like he doesn't let much bother him, and hes good and hiding things up. So i guess its the question of just cutting all contact even though the thought of that hurts so much since we have become really close over the last 2 yrs.. or is there something else i should do? Schools over in 4 weeks...so i probably wont see him for 3 months ....is this guy really using me?

[Sn0man]

I would almost guarantee he's NOT using you. Sounds like u 2 have a good relationship already, it's just missing thos fine points.

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel about the relationship? That you want it to go further?...Do you really want it to go further, and does he understand this?

 

I feel confident in saying that, if he were just using you, it would be evident. You wouldnt spend any time talking at all, it would merely be a physical relationship. Keep that in mind.

 

Perhaps you need to have a talk with him about you past with him, and your potential futures....especially since you 2 have had this thing going for years. I can't guarantee the outcome will be what u wanted, but I can guarantee it will clear up any confusion the 2 of you may be having with eachother.

 

Best wishes

 

Sn0man

[The Morrigan]

Ok hon, it sounds to me like you've inadvertently gotten yourself into a close friends with benefits situation, which he is VERY comfortable with, and which you want more from.

 

From his point of view, he's not using you, you're close friends, he enjoys your company, cares about you, and not so incidentally enjoys your body as well. You, on the other hand, want to move into more relationship territory, not just "loving" in the caring sense, but passionately emotional to at least a degree - to where you prioritize each other in a wholly different sense.

 

I think you've already come to realize you're not on the same page. He seems to like things just the way they are - he has the comfort and companionship and sexual aspect of a relationship without the emotional turmoil, and what he probably sees as something that would be more demanding than what he's looking for right now.

 

If you're wondering if there's something you can do to change his mind - maybe, though I wouldn't bet the bank on it. Having been in this position and left it, and gone back on the expectation of change - while he might decide to officially say you're in a relationship if he misses both the sex and closeness - he's likely to stick to or fall back into old habits pretty fast - and you'll be in the same position, just with a title to call it. And that's cold comfort when you're giving someone more precedence in your life than they're giving you in theirs. Unfortunately, if he's not ready to give a real relationship priority, there's nothing that can make him ready, his feelings for what he wants out of life have to change, and that tends to take something major in personal growth.

 

Not saying it's impossible - but I wouldn't count on him changing his perceptions in a hurry. And if he's to change at all - what you DON'T want to hear, he's gonna have to miss you to realize what you have, and decide how significant a hole you make in his life without you right there. He has NO incentive at all to think on this right now, because you're there, he has the comfort of your continued presense and friendship and support.

 

I'd sit down and really think long and hard about what you want from a relationship... and if this guy can't give it to you, if you're ready to accept that and find someone who can. If this guy isn't ready for anything else, would you still want to or be able to be just friends with him? I know it's a lot to think about, but there's really only three options here unless you want to let this drag on as is - he decides he wants you in a relationship, he's not ready, but you feel able to keep him as a friend, no benefits, or you have to cut him completely loose and look for someone who can reciprocate what you're willing to invest into them.

 

Good luck, and hope that wasn't too blunt!