Moving forward

[.piper.]

Tonight we talked and decided that we would take some time off from one another - we agreed that friday night (august 7th) we go out for a bit to eat and talk about things.

 

Tonight he told me that he loves me and wants to only be in a relationship with me but he just is not ready to be in a relationship at this present moment. He felt that the commitment was too much and it scared him. He told me he is 50/50 with getting back with me or just moving on.

 

When I told him that I can't just be friends he asked me why? For some reason he does not want to give me up. He wants me to be there. When he is around me he can't help but kiss me and tell me how much he does want me.

 

I am really sad about all this and feel like I am going in waves. One minute I am fine with everything - if he doesnt want me then thats his loss, I deserve much better. But then the next minute I just remember all the good times we spent together and how I really miss him.

 

Its only been 3 days since he told me he wanted to "screw it" and get back together. He said "Take me back, baby... I am so sorry for being like this" I was so happy when I heard those words but realized that in an hour he might tell me that he can't be with me anymore.

 

He tells me he know that it is not fair to me to do this to me but he doesnt want to lose me all together.

 

I know he went on the party bus last weekend after he promised me that he would not go - facebook is the devil isnt it? I delete him from facebook today so that I cannot obsessively look at his profile 10 times a day when in fact nothing has changed.

 

I am giving this one more shot with him - i am not going to contact him until Friday. This will be hard so everything I get the urge I am just going to write here what I am feeling...

 

Here's to getting stronger.

[.piper.]

Well its the next morning since i have seen him. I have to get through today, tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night and the next day before I talk to him again. I am finding it very hard not to text him or pick up the phone and call him.

 

We have tried to keep it going as friends with benefits, just friends, just friends not seeing anyone else, seeing other people, we have tried it all except actually taking a break. So now we are just not going to talk until Friday. Its hard for me. He tells me that is it hard for him but he doesnt give in and call me because he doesnt want to lead me on as he is not ready for a relationship.

 

I have to keep myself busy today. I am going to try extremely hard to do that. Today is a holiday here so I don't have to work. I have a family function later on tonight. I have to get back to work tomorrow and then again friday. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I actually got some work done at work. Not up to my normal levels but it was still work.

 

I just feel so alone and hate that he isnt here to make me feel wanted.

[.piper.]

ok so I called him this afternoon but only because I saw those pictures and he promised me that he would not go on the party bus. I don't care that he went on the party bus, it was the promise he made to me not to go on that stupid thing. I asked what else he lied to me about and he said nothing, thats it. He told me to call him later or to come see him later. I told him that this is killing me!!!!! If he doesnt want a relationship with me then why does he keep stringing me along.... he said its because he loves me and doesnt want me out of his life forever. He just needs this right now and needs to be single.

 

He said the phone call is going to come when he calls me to ask me back - i honestly don't believe thats coming. I told him when that happens I probably wont be here.

 

He knows i am going on a date tomorrow with another guy, he just asks me not to be physical with him.

 

i agreed to not call him anymore and he said he will be by friday and we will have a date night. This is seriously screwed up.

[.piper.]

I just made it into work. Only 1.5 hours late - I was feeling so sick when I woke up, even moving my head I thought I was going to throw up. I think it might have been the fish stew that I had ate last night. I still feel really gross sitting here at work and my belly is doing turns.

 

I left my phone home today so I would not be looking at it every 10 minutes - not that he is going to call me. Last night wasnt so bad actually... I got to sleep pretty good and I don't think I woke up until morning.

 

Tomorrow is the day that we are supposed to get together. I don't know if I can. If I tell him that, he will just say ok which hurts. Anyway Lets get through today.

[.piper.]

Still at work and trying to concentrate. Its not working as I am constantly getting a wave of nervousness or something over my entire body, starting at the top of my head.

 

I know I am playing havoc with my body as I am not eating right at all. Somedays I don't eat a thing, while others day I will have a little bit. I did eat last night but now I feel like throwing up still.

 

I can't stop thinking about him. I don't feel like crying which I guess is a good step.

 

He wants to get the movie ET and watch it tomorrow.

 

I saw his truck last night at Tim Hortons - I wonder if he saw me. His parents saw me and my friend yesterday in my car and they blew their horn. I didn't know it was them until they were passed us.

 

He told me he doesnt tell people we are broke up - he tells them we are working on things. His facebook does say single though.

 

I wish I could go for a day and not think about him at all... just one day.

[.piper.]

Can't stop thinking... need to get my thoughts out there and hopefully get mad.

 

When we originally broke up I did it. I told him if he was moving out then how would it work? He didn't want it but then agreed.. He called me the next day and told me he made a big mistake and he loves me and wants me back. Then he told me that he needs to be single and needs time for himself because he felt too tied down. I didn't talk to him for 3 days and text him and told him I missed him. He asked me to hang out and I said sure. He told me this is 100% going to go somewhere just not right now, he asked if we could hang out and take it slow and eventually process back into a relationship. I said yes. We hung over everyday for a week; however, he would not sleep at my house which I got upset about because I wanted him to make me feel wanted.

 

I know I pushed him for a relationship, I begged and pleaded with him to get back together now. He told me that he can't because he is involved in big things and doesnt want me to get hurt. He told me he needs to wait until it all blows over.

 

Last weekend he told me he loved me and wanted to get back (mind you he was drunk). Then the next day he never called when he said he would and then went out and never took his phone with him. He saw my missed called when he got his phone but never called me back. I called him at 4 am and asked him why he didn't respond and he never gave me and answer. He called me at 8:30 am and said he was going out of town and we would talk when he got back. I asked if I could go and he said no.

 

He told me he had to go away for a month and couldn't take his cell phone so I couldn't talk to him anymore. He told me he got a call 11:15 the night before, which i called his bluff because he didn't have his phone with him. He said oh it must of been in the morning not the night. I cried and cried and I left. He called me not longer after and gave me the same lines - I love you and your my best friend and this is very hard for me.

 

He said its on the tip of his tongue to ask me back out whenever he sees me because he is so attracted to me. He knows I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I'm pretty, smart, come from a good family, got a career, my own house, car, money etc. But he said he can't right now and needs to be stern about this.

 

My emotions are allllllllll over the place here.

[.piper.]

wrote this a few days ago when he asked me what I wanted... I never did give it to him.

 

 I want you to want to be with me

 I want you to think about me when your not with me

 I want you to want to include me in your plans

 I want to feel like you care about me

 I want you to call me for no reason

 I want you to text me for no reason

 I want you to tell me the truth about everything

 I want you in my life, but only if you want to be there

 I want to feel like I am more important than anything else in your life

 I want to make you feel like you’re the best thing that ever happened to me

 I want to share experiences with you – I want to have fun together and with other people

 I want you to kiss me like you mean it

 I want you to crave me

 

It hurts reading that when I know he doesnt feel that way about me.. Or do I? He tells me he just needs space and things will be back to the way they were...

 

I found out one of my "best friends" has been messaging my mom on facebook telling her that he has cheated on me in the past and that he is a bad guy and that I should not be around him and that I am seeing him without letting anyone know. I am a little pissed off with this.

[.piper.]

So its friday... the day he is supposed to come over at 5. He told me to call or text him today in case he forgot - jokingly I hope. Its 9:00am and I wanted to call him now to make sure but I know its too early. Half of me doesnt want to call at all and hope he just shows up but the other half of me needs to know if he is coming. I don't know what to do.

[.piper.]

Why do I want him back so bad? Why am I sitting here crying at work?