My relationship is in limbo...all advice is welcome.

[sugarplum]

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 1/2 years now and have been on "a break" for almost 2 months. here's the story (sorry its very long:

 

in january things between heand i started to go downhill, i can take responsibility for this and say i was creating a lot of problems by constantly picking fights and making him feel as if i were not happy. although we tried several times to relieve the stress we always wound up fighting again.

 

the week of valentines day my boyfriend confessed he wanted a break--with everything else that was going on in his life he did not want the stress that was coming from the relationship. he felt if we took some time off from one another we would be able to relieve some tension and come back to each other with a renewed feeling about our relationship---he also felt that in time the tension would die down giving us a better place to work at saving the relationship. he was very clear that he did not want to break up but just needed some time away and would come back to us.

 

we decided valentines day would be our last day together for a month--it was amazing, laughter, tears, promises--i felt really good about things.

 

unfortunately, i could not stick to the break out of my own fear and began calling him a week into it. although he always took my calls and was very nice i could tell with each call he became more and more annoyed with me and wondered if the break would ever happen. not to mention i was constantly questioning him and nagging him about what he was doing/feeling when i would call him.

 

i should also mention we both mutually agreed that we could see other people while on the break. he began dating someone two weeks into the break which really hurt me. he said their relationship was casual and had no bearing on ours--he also said he was not looking to commit to her but wanted to explore dating. he felt he had been with me for so long and from such a young age (he was 21 when we got together, he's now 25 and only really started dating around age 20) that he never had the opportunity to date. i guess in a way he wants to sow his wild oats. i can somewhat understand this as i have had several friends go through the same thing.

 

shortly after finding out he was dating someone i ran into him on the street and lost it. he brought me to his house to calm me down and said the break was over. that he never meant for me to go through so much pain over this and thought i was okay with it. he said he loved me and would rather be with me than needing to explore his freedom for awhile--basically the break wasnt worth putting me through this pain and he said ultimately he wanted to be with me anyways.

 

i was excited at first but than i realized if he had these feelings i should let go of my selfishness and fear and give him this time. if i didnt chances were it would manifest itself into problems later down the road. he still didnt feel comfortable going on the break so we comprimised by agreeing to a "controlled separation." sort of the same as a break except we go on one date a week and have one 10-minute call a week as well. in addition a list of comfort rules were established that we had to abide to (e.g. no holding hands with another person in public, no one is allowed at our houses except each other, being upfront with the people we are dating that we are still together, etc).

 

we agreed the separation would end april 16th--i know setting a date seems arbitrary but he felt this was important. he didnt want some ambigious break where there is no real goal in the end. he also understood that things might not be all tied up nicely on that day to come back to the relationship but he felt we need to make a committment to one another to begin focusing on the relationship by a certain day. my therapist says this was a great move on his part as it showed that regardless of what was happening he was willing to leave it all behind to put in the work to make us happen.

 

well, here's where it all goes to hell. even under such conditions i couldnt relax and became more obssesive by calling him, pressuring him, questioning him, etc it got to the point where he would be so stressed out he would start to say mean things and doubt whether or not this could work any longer. he still didnt want to break it off though because he realized it was a hrad situation and the stress could be clouding his feelings.

 

after last week though i wonder if i ruined it for good. basically i called him everyday and we fought. almost to the point where he broke up. i pushed him to tell me why he was still staying with me if he was so unhappy and he seemed so indifferent at times--basically he said i was a big part of his life that he couldnt just walk away from and maybe if the situation was different things could work. he did admit though that with all the fighting he had lost all hope and was "over it" but there was no harm in trying. basically, it seems like he's frustrated to the point of no return but for whatever reason wont let go or at least will give it a try even if he thinks it's not going to work out.

 

i just dont know what to do now to bring back his hope and make those horrible feelings fade. i feel like in the beginning if i had just backed off things would be okay but now i have driven him inot a corner. he says he doesnt know how he feels anymore and the fighting doesnt make it any easier. when i push him to tell me why he's still staying he just yells at me "to relax and let things be..."

 

do you guys think i have ruined things forever or is there still hope? is he just wrapped up in his frustration and thus cant see the positive or have i driven him to the point of no return. i still feel hopeful because he hasnt completely broken it off but now i feel more than ever i need to act and plan accordingly because i am walking on eggshells and dont want to lose this opportunity again. he must still feel something right or he would have just told me to leave forever....

[GeeCee]

Goodness, you could not do more to push this guy away. I agree that the break was a good way for you to both assess your feelings for each other. Personally, I don't think you dating others helped in that process, but as you both agreed with it, it worked for you.

 

Now you need to calm down, I know this is hard, but you have not given him or yourself any time to reflect and decide that this is what you want. Your constant calling, arguing and harassing him has not helped at all. Believe me, I know that this is difficult, but I think that you realise now that you have made some mistakes (and who here hasn't!!).

 

Take some time now, I would start by apologising to him. And allow him the month that he asked for. In that time, try your level best not to make contact with him. If he initiates it, of course you should be civil and friendly.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[sugarplum]

hi guys,

 

thanks for your advice it is quite helpful. i know i need to give him space but putting that in action is so hard sometimes...

 

even though it's only a small step i can give myself a little credit for resisiting the urge to call him this week--the last time i talked to him was sunday night--he actually ended the conversation by hanging up me. this was not a complete surprise, he did threaten to do so if i did not stop with all of the questions...

 

basically in that conversation he said the week had been so hard on us that he didnt know what he thought or felt about me/us anymore. i kept pushing him to tell me why he bothered staying then--was i a safety net or is he afraid to leave me? he answered no to both these questions. he actually sounded so drained and frustrated all he could say was "i really dont know why i am staying with you anymore...i am pretty much over it but you are such a big part of my life i cant let you go so easy especially when things are like this, perhaps the frustration is clouding my thoughts and in the end there really is no harm in trying."

 

he asked me to give him some space to calm down and clear his head and that in a week or so we would talk and make plans to spend some time together--it's weird he sounds like he's lost all hope yet there is a part of him (albeit small...) that is still hanging in there.

 

i know i need to give him space and i have so far this week. in fact he called me on monday (the very next day after hanging up on me...) and left a message asking if i wanted him to go to the hospital with me (i have a doctor's appt). he didnt say anything about the night before but i thought it was strange he called so soon.

 

i decided to not call him back this time and give us both some space and when/if he calls agin i will return that call within a day. as much as i love him and i was pressuring him i did not appreciate the way he spoke to me so i felt it was okay to not return his call and give myself some time to calm down and actually see if he notices of misses me since I have always responded quickly to him in the past.

 

i also wanted to question why you felt seeing other people was not a good idea...it seems that he is really questioning whether or not he can take it to the next level with me and i feel part of that is seeing what it is like to be single again (sowing your wild oats, so to speak...) as i said he's been with me awhile since he was pretty young and only dated a year before me and i am also 4 years older than him with a lot more experience under my belt.

[LostinVan]

I agree with GeeCee.

 

You gotta get a grip and take stock. I'm about to say something harsh, but please take it for what its worth - and as advice. You're fighting major insecurity issues within yourself, and that's your first battle right there. Work on yourself. Stop relying constantly on any kind of self-esteem boost or ego massage from "having a boyfriend"... work on feeling good about yourself and your sitch.

 

You're in a very lucky place, but you can't see light for day. You have an ex who wants to work things out. You have an ex who wants to be with you. But he's sending you messages - you have to be happy with yourself.

 

Make that mission #1. Everything else sounds like it will fall into place if you can make progress on the biggest problem.

 

LostinVan.

[sugarplum]

please dont apologize for your advice--you are right i am fighting major insecurity issues that have become even more intensified with the knowledge he is dating other people.

 

it's just hard, and i know i am making it even harder on myself by the actions i am choosing to do but i am determined to not slip up this time.

 

and although i must sound like a lost cause right now i have been taking positive steps--there have been weeks i have gone without calling, i have taken up yoga, i see a therapist now, i have made new friends, i am reading more, i am more focused on my studies---it just seems like last week i suffered a major setback and i need to forgive myslef and continue moving on positvely.

 

i think the reason being on break seems so much harder than breaking up is because there is nothing final--you are essentially in limbo. a part of you wants to move on but at the same time because of the situation that you both have agreed upon you cannot completely let go because of the hope you have to work things out in the future.

[DealingWithIt]

i was in a similar situation over a year ago.

 

all i can say is....MOVE ON! why keep hanging on to a relationship when youre the only one who seems to be the one interested in keeping it? i know its hard to accept it but you have to. save yourself some heartache and get over this guy.

[LostinVan]

I don't agree with Dealingwithit's advice at all.

 

Any relationship founded on true love is worth saving. Not at all costs, but at most costs.

 

You want the relationship. Your ex wants the relationship. Just work individually on the problems you've already identified (and the ones you may identify soon), and I'm betting things will get back on track if you take care of yourself first.

 

LostinVan.

[sugarplum]

thanks for your support lostinvan--i agree to, that this relationship is worth saving. i know it may sound hopeless to many of the readers due to his recent responses but the bottom line is he is still with me and that has to mean something.

 

like him, i often wonder if "hanging in there" is worth so much stress and often feel like it may not work out in the end. sometimes i think it would be better to completely move on but this relationship has been a significant part of my life and there really is no harm in trying. even if it is only a small part of each of us that is curious and hopeful to be together that may be enough to forge a new beginning--if nothing else it is at least an open door to the possibilty.

 

so i do understand why dealingwithit thinks i should just move on but it doesnt hurt to hold a little optimism. and in many ways i am moving on by trying to get stronger but that doesnt mean i have to leave him behind in the process.

 

in fact, the moving on process will probably aid in our reconciliation...