getting back after being on and off for 7 months

[justice]

I dated my girlfriend for four years. Toward the end of the relationship she moved in I got cold feet and she move out. There were a few times during our relationship where we would stop seeing each other, I would date during these off periods. Over the past seven months during our on periods she advised that she knew about the dating and felt that I cheated on her. She also stated that if I dated while we were off I was probably doing it while we were on. I admitted to the dating as I did not feel it wrong and advised her that I only dated after she told me she did not want to see or talk to me again and that I loved her she was all that I needed. During our on periods the dating thing sabatoged our relationship and we would be off again. About 12 weeks ago we decided to give it another try and she gave me a list of things she felt needed to be cleared up or worked on if the relationship was going to work. I complied with all of her requests except one. One of the requests was that we go to joint counseling which we did. The one request that I did not comply with was the termination of one of my secretaries. This secretary has had a crush on me since day one. I did not hire her. The secretary divulged her feelings to others and my girlfriend found out. No messing around between myself and the secretary has occurred nor will it ever. I told my girlfriend that if and when the secretary messed up I would terminate her, but that I would not terminate her for no reason and if I did I would feel like I was admitting to something. Further it was just plain wrong. This was not good enough and she broke it off, stating that if I really loved her I would do this. After 10 days of no contact she called said she was sad and wanted to get back together, but that I still had to fire my secretary immediately. I gave her the same response that I would do it for cause only. No contact for 12 days followed. We started communcating via email, then by phone. She stated that she missed me and loved me, but that I would have to fire my secretary for it to work. I again gave her the same response. She stated it was over that she never wanted to see or hear from me again.

 

I was prepared to marry this woman, I even purchased the ring, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without her, but I feel she is being unreasonable. HELP

[ElephantRider]

Tell her if she doesn't come back that you don't care, you'll just start gitting it on with your secretary because you are now single. Tell her you wouldn't do it before cause you were committed to her, but now she has forced you to have sex with the secretary

[GeeCee]

I agree that your ex is being unreasonable. I cannot see a way forward on this one. You and your ex were parted when you were dating, however, I understand that she felt hurt that you were dating. I agree with you, you did nothing wrong. However, that does not negate any pain your ex felt. Sometimes, when we split with partners, we want them to do well, we wish them all the best, but we don't want them to do TOO well TOO quickly. Clearly, when you split with your ex, you had told her that you loved her and you were getting along with your life, but she has found that difficult to accept. It has dented her self-confidence.

 

So what to do now? Well, I entirely agree with you - you cannot mess up someone elses life, you cannot fire someone because your ex does not like them or the fact that they have a crush on you - hell - American and British economy would go into nose-dive if we hired and fired on this basis.

 

Quite apart from anything else, you could find yourself hauled in front of a tribunal - the secretary has done nothing wrong - other than have a crush on you and sometimes that is written into the Job Description!!!

 

So, now what I think that you have to do is reassure your ex, and reassure her some more. You have made a decision and it is a good moral one. Give her some more time to think about it. Impress upon her that you love her, that you are willing to work hard at your relationship, but you cannot do this, that you believe that it is morally wrong.

 

Good luck, I hope this works out for all of you.

 

G xx

[Hopingpraying]

I don't think you are the one being unreasonable. She should not be asking you to do that. Not to mention I would think you could be opening yourself up to a lawsuit if you were to do what she is advising you to do. I don't think it is ethical to fire someone just because your girlfriend thinks your secretary has a crush on you.

 

Stick to your guns if nothing else she should respect that. Maybe if you pointed out if she was in your secretaries position would what she is saying be fair? You have made it known you find this guy attractive and now you should be fired for it? What the heck is that all about.

 

The way I see it if she doesn't trust you then she is not worth the problems anyways. I know the fact that you love her makes it a bit more complicated but that is the reality of it.

[Athena]

Justice,

 

Trust is a difficult thing to buid, it takes time, and even more difficult is re-building trust. Whether or not it's justified (I can't give an oppinion on that cause I'm only hearing one side of the story) but regradless, she doesn't trust you. And, in my opinion, if that is how she feels, she absolutly should not marry you and you should not want her to.

 

There are bigger issues here than a goo-goo secretary stroking your ego.

 

-A

[justice]

Thanx for the posts. My ex called last night and stated that she wanted to get back together with me. I told her that I was not ready and that we needed to work at some of the core issues because our previous blind approaches had led to failure. She stated that she wanted all or nothing and if I was not willing to make the jump that she would consider this a no and if that was my answer we would once again no longer be in contact. Her reasoning was that because the off and on period had been 7months there was no time for soul searching or talking about anything other than getting back together. I told her that I just was not prepared to give a definite yes or no and that I wanted sometime time for us to discuss and soul search together. She insisted and said it was all or nothing. When I would not give her a yes or no answer she said she took that as I no and we would not be speaking. As I stated in my last post our last on period was about 12 weeks. Our conversation ended with her saying "I'm taking that as a no". I do not want to get back on the never ending merry go around of being off and on, but I do not want to lose her. Advice????

[GeeCee]

Justice

 

Thanks for your PM. Well, this is very tricky. Your ex is clearly very hurt and very stubborn. I don't know what more to advise. I think that you need to arrange a face-to-face and discuss this the whole situation with the ex, calmly and rationally. She cannot accept that this is reasonable behaviour.

 

Beyond that, you will have to make the decision as to whether she is worth fighting for.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[justice]

Thanx GeeCee, I'm going to give it some thought over the weekend in order to get my thoughts together. She can be very emotional and that often clouds her ability to be rational. Should I give beyond the weekend to compose herself or should make contact next week?