no contact?but she calls

[ilios69]

hello,ive been having trouble with my girlfriend for about 1 yr now,we have been dating 4yrs.anyway i posted here about 2 wks.ago.i have been giving her space and not calling her but she calls me.we hadnt seen each other for 2 wks,last weekend we spent the weekend together and there was no tension and no fighting.i didnt call her since, and last night she called me and sounded upset,i asked her whats wrong and she kept telling me nothing.i dont understand women.so now it seems to just be the same thing all over again,and im the one feeling upset.it seems like she gets upset when i dont call her,i dont bring up our problems anymore,and i just told her its up to her to decide what she wants.i dont understand how we can have a great weekend together,and then 2 days later shes distant towards me again.i dont think the no contact rule is working,i think its just making things worst.i didnt get to many replies on my other post maybe this one will help me a little more.

[Hopingpraying]

Harcam,

 

Woman are tough to figure out, but maybe you should break no contact for a bit to explain to her that you are confused... Let her know you are trying to do for her what you think she wants.. Which it sounds like she wants space so you are trying to give it to her. If that is not what she wants or needs then she should tell you what she wants or needs.

The problem your going to run into is you have to be very delicate when explaining these things. You cannot sound like you are blaming her. If anything you need to sound apologetic and be sincere about it.

I think a lot of times we as men are so wanting to be right we forget that if we want to be in a relationship we have to be wrong sometimes too whether we feel we are wrong or not.

 

You need to let her know you want more than anything to be there for her, to cherish her, and to be a loving part of her life, she just needs to clearly tell you what she needs. Keep in mind a lot of women think, " If he really loves me he will know what I need."

 

That is a big load of crap!!

[sweetharmony]

well, the no contact rule can't work if you are still hanging out. you said you spent last weekend with her. i'm not sure if you had sex or not, but if you did, then you must call her. that's basically like being in a relationship. you didn't mention who broke up with who. the on/ off seeing/ not seeing eachother thing is not healthy. the no contact rule must be exactly that. not seeing or talking to each other at all, until bth of you figure out what you want- ie get back together. if she needs her space, then give it to her. talk to her first and let her know that you are confused and that you want to give her space until she figures out whether or not she wants to be with you. until then, these random hanging out on the weekends w/o any sort of commitment is confusing to both her and you, b/c you don't know where you stand. i've been in that situation before/ having sex with exes and them not calling for a week. too upsetting, too confusing- not knowing of we're getting back together or not. you need to know where both of you stand and make a firm commitment to your choice. establish whether or not you are going to need time apart or just friends w/ benefits or try9ing to work on getting back together- you both obviously haven't communicated this. once you establishe the boundaries, then both of you can work towards that. you can't do the hang out/ not call cycle. that's not the point of no contact- that's not letting you grow and learn how to be on your own- that sounds more like game playing to me. just my 2 cents.

[ilios69]

sweet harmony,i was not the one that had pulled away she is,yes this weekend we did have sex.we have never officially broken up.we would have our fights.it has just gotten to the point that we always fight i explained my situation,in another post maybe you can read it and give me more of a womens point of view.i have asked her what she wants and she always tells me she dosent know.we still love each other its just the tension and fighting is to much.i have explained to her that i love her and want her as my girlfriend.please read the other post.its titled as having serious relationship trouble(kind of long) i think its in the breaking up section.thank you .

[sweetharmony]

harcam, sorry i did not read your previous post. i think i have a clearer picture now. i was in a similar situation. i was also in a rocky relationship for four years. we decided to be friends at the end of the relationship- i broke up w/ him and us seeing each other did not make me miss him. it sort of made me more confused whether or not i wanted to continue a relationship. once he stopped calling, i missed him so much and realized what i had lost- but it was too late. as the cliche goes, absense makes the heart grow fonder. sometimes people need some time apart to figure out what they truly want, what they are missing. you can't keep this back and forth friendship thing- esp. jumping into it immediately after a four yr relationship. if she really just wants to be friends, then both of you need time to heal. you can't just jump right into it, w/ all the emotions and feelings still there. you need to ask her what she wants, if she says friends, tell her that is a possibility in the future, but right now, you need some time to heal and you don't know how long it will be. if she wants to work on the relationship, she needs to be firmly committed to it and really needs to stop the push/ pull act- (i can relate to that- humans are such confusing creatures, we never know what we want- until we're frightened of losing it forever). you being there for her when she wants is just letting her be wishy-washy. she needs to know that you will not stand for this pulling away attitude, it's just not healthy for both of you. she needs to fear that she will lose you forever and that she needs to make up her mind. if she doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be. it may be a while that you are apart, but eventually she will make up her mind, but you need to be firm w/ her decision. if she says she needs time apart, then make it that- no meeting and sex on occasions- all contact must be severed for a while. even though she's the one to pull away, she probably still equates sex w/ emotions and it's hard that you don't call for a week after- that is heartbreaking for many women-even if it was their decision in the first place. let her know that you really care and want this to work, but if she can't commit to trying, then you need your time apart and don't call her at all, and if she calls you, make the conversations short and don't agree to meet her until she makes up her mind- again, no sex- unless you both are okay w/ it (which it sounds like she isn't, getting upset and all).

 

w/ my 4 year relationship, i was confused. my boyfriend was great, but the passion was gone. the fantasy of romance and we were stuck in a humdrum every day boring life. we lived together, had a dog together, i felt like i was married and it wasn't fun! i was scared that this would be like this for th rest of my life. granted, this guy was my best friend and i could tell him anything, but i couldn't continue like this forever w/ o seeing what else is out there. in wished for that intense passion that you get when you first meet someone, well i realized, that passion can never last and it subsidesd a bit and that security i had (and was afraid of and didn't want anymore) was now what i long for. we often don't realize what we had until we lose it. that's what she needs to realize.

 

also, about the trusting thing, do you still have issues with it? is that what your fights are still about? i'm not sure how you get past that one.

[ilios69]

i will be honest with you,ever since i realized that my trusting issues had pushed her away,they have gone away for the most part but it does cross my mind every now and then.i know i need to fully get over that 100%before we can be back together for good but its so hard.i cant just not see her,she has 2 daughters that i have been the only man in there life and they rely on me my girlfriend is a widow and owns her own home,so i still feel its my job to go do the "guy stuff"around her house when she cant.i mean if i follow the no contact and she needs help with something and calls me i just cant say no.