kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Hi everyone, I am new here and currently going through a really sad break up (i wanted to work it out, he doesn't..the usual!) anyway that is for another time. Whilst reading through pages and pages of some incredibly sad but also some uplifting stories I thought I would put my past experience of being dumped on here, as I learnt a hell of a lot from it. But this is not my current situation, rather one I was in a few years back. Whilst at university I met a 'wonderful' guy, we were inseperable and lived together for our 2nd year of university, after going out for about a year. In what seemed a matter of days I could sense something was wrong, yes the old intuition which never fails me was rearing its ugly head. One night whilst he was out, I had this sudden urge to call him and ask him if everything was alright. He just says 'Look i'm coming home, we have to talk'. Devastation hit me almost instantly as I knew that was not good. He comes home, and without saying anything starts to pack his bags. I was speechless and said to him what was happening, the day before he said he couldn't be happier with me! He says the whole 'I just need space, I just need to be alone' blah blah, which deep down I knew was a bunch of crap. Anyway he leaves, I am in absolute pieces wondering what I did wrong. I think I cried for weeks and weeks. I did all the things you should not do, went to see him when i found out he was at our friend's place, begged on the phone, cried and yelled at him, I even phoned his parents lol! When we talked properly (when I caught him unawares at his friend's house) I could see he was completely different, doing that horrible cold stone face. I will never forget how he said 'When I was in bed with you it felt so wrong, I just wanted to be away from you, I am not in love with you anymore and have not been for a while.' That was quite hard to stomach, but after that convo I found I started to heal a little. a little. A few weeks pass by, and by this point he has moved back home. No contact at all since I talked to him last time. I was out and one of our mutual friends decides to tell me that he had started an affair (whilst we were still together) with a friend of mine. I flipped and got drunk and phoned him and hurled abuse at him. I thought it was so weird as this girl seemed the complete opposite of me, and I am not saying this in a nasty way, but really not very attractive, well what I thought was attractive and what I thought my bf thought was attractive (if that makes any sense!). Here is where I learnt lesson one. 1) Looks do not matter much, especially when it comes to infidelity. If they are there when your bf is going through doubts, he will undoubtedly start to want to be with her. After learning this information, I gave up on him completely, let him go and eventually started to have a blast and re-build my confidence. I had a great time for the rest of the second year and look back on it with fondness now! Here is when I learnt lesson two. 2) When a guy gives up on what seems to be a great relationship, it generally means there is something else going on. The 'I want to be alone' stuff is rarely the whole story. About 7 months after all this I am happy again and I move into halls for my third year. One night I am out and all of sudden I see the girl he left me for, make a bee-line for me. 'Oh-oh' I felt a bit nervous to say the least. She wants to talk me and starts bawling about how he had got her pregnant (she got an abortion) then dumped her. I was sympathetic and told her I was sorry he had done that and indulged her in a big man hating session, she so clearly needed. So that was that and lesson three. 3) Karma is a very dangerous thing. She even admitted that it felt so good when she 'stole' my boyfriend away from me, as she thought I was very pretty. Very strange thing to say and think, but I had to admire her guts and honesty. A while after this happens I see my ex walk past my halls to go to the bar I always go to. God it was weird, I literally starting shaking with some kind of repressed fury. I called my friend and said, we must go to this bar, I felt the need to face him after all this time. We get there and he starts talking, being very flirty and stuff, finally he says he was planning to come out that night and if I would like to go too. I said yes, no idea why really. That night, he starts saying how much he regretted everything, how he still loved me and never moved on. For me it was too late, but he tried to get back with me for a few years (yes years lol) after that, the tables seemed to turned completely. Begging and pleading do not come close to what he tried to do to get me back. Now this is important, when I asked him why he went out with her and cheated on me with her his response was that it was because she was the complete opposite to me, he got scared off by the seriousness of our relationship and she was just there. Sounds heartless and cruel but that is how it went, and he went out with her for 6 months, knowing he had no true feelings for her. and here is lesson 4. 4) This kind of rebound relationship will not work out in the long run, it took him six months to realise what he had lost (even longer to ask me to get back together). So if your guy has gone off with someone completely opposite to you in every way, chances are he just wanted something different for a while, it is much easier to run away from you then. Lesson 5) No contact is crucial. for as long as you are really hurting, do not speak with them, ever. Once you feel strong is when they will come back, and by that time you will have probably moved on anyway! He tried to get back with me periodically since then, but only recently has he come to accept that I could never trust him again, and he seems to be moving on, and this makes me happy for him. Lesson 6) What people say when they break up with you is mostly not true. The person likely feels very confused and just says whatever it is they think will get you to leave them alone. So do not take it too personally! Lesson 7) Don't go out with such horrible losers! lol unfortunately the pretty much EXACT same thing is happening to me now (with a different guy whom I have had a blissful 3.5 year relationship with), but this time the devastation is a whole other level of horrible. plus I have to see her comments on his bloody facebook, cause I have not had the strength to delete the bugger yet!! but yes, no contact is the way to go, if they want to come back they do eventually, but usually it is a case of too little too late. Maybe this time will be different! It is so strange how I swore to myself I would never love like that again (after the uni incident), but I did and I have ended up being hurt again, except this time I know I can meet someone else eventually, so I will not be closing myself off, and I am trying to see this most recent break up in a more positive light. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, this is so so true! Plus I needed to lose a few pounds anyway PS. A day after current ex tore my heart to shreds, I also got made redundant! Two massive rejections in the space of a few days! LOL, you gotta laugh really. Onwards and upwards my friends, always try and better yourself, they will come back and when they do you can kick them where it hurts, or welcome them back with open arms, whatever you feel is right! My other 'not so serious' boyfriends, also all came back for a second chance, I gave one the benefit of the doubt, but that didn;t work out but we are good friends now! You really need to act like yes, you have mourned the relationship, but now you are freeee!! free as a bird! and happy! So to any dumpers out there, who realise their mistake, you must not leave it too long be brave and swallow your pride, that person you thought was going to wait around crying after you forever is very likely to not be there much longer! Sorry for the novel, just thought this might help people thinking they will never get over the loss of someone who was once their everything. Nothing is ever as cut and dry as it seems, if you think your lovely ex bf or gf, is oh so 'happy' it is probably not true, not if your relationship had substance to it and in time they will miss you, just do whatever it takes to get through the time and never ever 'wait' for them. Ofcourse my experiences are one of a million possibilities, human nature is quite hard to predict, no matter what books and therapists try and say. x Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 Oh yes, I fantasized about it loads too, even though I never in a million years thought it would go the way it did! He wrote me letters and songs and came to London (he lives up north) to try and get me to talk to him and once sat outside my flat for the whole night. It was strange though, at first he was all 'I'm sorry I'll wait forever blahblah' but when he saw I wasn't playing ball, he started to turn a bit nasty and sent me some horrible texts. At this point, I had been considering a reunion, but when he started getting nasty, (when he was the one who cheated and got my friend pregnant!!) I knew I could never take him back. I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of months and then he would try again, leaving me voicemails saying I was his true love. I have to admit it did feel good, but so much time had passed it just ended up confusing me. He dumped, he moved on, then expected me not to have done the same! He even tried to get me back when I was going out with my now ex. That is why I say not everything is as cut and dry as it seems, when you think its truly over, is when they are most likely to come back, and if they don't its probably better as it can get very confusing! Its funny though, I did learn alot, but... when it came to my current ex leaving me, I did all those 'mistakes' again, but to a lesser degree. I have only called him crying twice in the month (and he also starts bawling, really unpleasant) we have been apart, but from now, definitely no contact at all, although he says he really wants to be my friend on facebook as he cannot bear losing me forever, lol go figure! so now I have to see comments the yuck girl he is with now (he got with her 2 days after we broke up) writes him. The thing with rebounds is, no matter what you say, they will always focus on the other person, as the new relationship is likely to get really intense really quickly (unfortunately i saw some emails they exchanged, I would NOT recommend this, as it was truly horrifying), before it runs its course. so never say anything horrible about the person they are with, EVER, it will only push them together. Gives them something to talk about I suppose lol. and I tell myself, even if he will end up marrying her, I know for a fact that even years down the line, he will realise what he lost. Maybe it is my way of keeping sane and not hurling abuse at her!! x Link to comment
vertigoxo Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 This is a very excellent and uplifting post. Really made my day. It takes guts to move on and I applaud you for it, kitty fanta. You rock! Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 Wow awesome, I'm doing everything you did! I haven't called her mom yet but damned if I don't consider it every single day! lol I know, wrong move. I completely agree 'space' 'break' are code for something else, I don't want to believe that but deep down inside I know it's crap. Oh well, hard to say, as you say no one can predict human nature. oh and LOL Saffron, good one! Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 don't do it Jonas! all it will do is make you cringe!!! if you think about doing something, think how you would look back on it in the future. would it be embarrassing? don't do it! lol i'm sure you won't, I really feel what your going through. I have to literally sit on my hands to stop myself texting my ex stupid things that will get me nowhere! Saffron, the stages are the key! I found that when I moved onto the anger stage, the pain was highly diminished, I guess it was replaced by the anger! after that, it was all healing healing healing. One day you will wake up and you won't have that crazy panic inside you, and my god, that feels soooo good!!! so just look forward to that day! x Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 oh and vertigo, it took more time than guts to move on LOL! x Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 kitty awesome post. i love it. how long of a time did it take for him to realize his mistakes? i am in the same boat just like you. my ex wanted space and time to find herself, to go out on dates with others. she is 28 and i am 31. she said she felt like she was always in a relationship and wanted time to see what else is out there and even had the nerve to say she will probably regret it one day and that when she realizes this she will come back for me because she always gets what she wants. can you believe she said this?? it just kills me. thanks for the awesome awesome post. Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 oh sunny, all the things I have heard in my days (and I'm only 27 lol) it does not surprise me at all that she said that. she knows she holds all the power, power is a very funny thing. One minute she holds all the power, but when you move on, that is when things start to change, you'll find the tables turning. But for that to happen she needs to know you are perfectly fine without her, infact you are quite ok with your new found freedom! No late night calls or texting!! I think it is ok if we do these crazy things shortly after breaking up, like within the first few weeks, as everything is so muddled anyway it'll just get gobbled up in all the chaos! but a month or so after you really have to start pulling it together, especially if you want to get back with them. By pulling it together I mean leaving them to their own devices. I don't know.. what do you guys think? In a way I think it is necessary to have the big blow outs, for your own sanity at least, as you do feel slightly better afterwards lol, at least I do! x Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 oh sorry just realised I didn't answer your question! well the ex from uni, he said it took him about 2 months to realise he had majorly messed up, but it took about another 5 months + before he even said anything to me about it! so a very long time really! x Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 thanks kitty for both answers. its been a little over 8 months and my ex hasn't indicated anything to me that she has messed up. but strict nc has only been going on for a month and half now so she probably needs a lot more time for me to show her i have really moved on. wow for being 27 you have really seen a lot. you really seem to have your stuff together and thats a great thing. this second guy is an idiot for letting you go. he will realize that that soon enough. thanks for responding. you are helping me. believe it or not i almost had a breakdown and texted her tonight. thanks for confirming that i should stay strict nc Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 18, 2009 Author Share Posted July 18, 2009 yes a month of nc is really just a pebble drop in an ocean. if she realizes she wants you back it won't be for a while I think. but obviously i could be totally wrong! move on, but never let that love and hope die, but make sure it is well locked away till it is ready to come out! To be honest I'm finding NC alot harder this time round, not sure why, maybe it is because at uni i had more distractions. that's what you need, distraction and then some more distraction! if you get the urge to text her, call a friend, post on here, do anything until it passes and the anxiety subsides. its as bad a cigarette addiction!! x Link to comment
dimnickel1980 Posted July 18, 2009 Share Posted July 18, 2009 kitty this a great post! it's so helpful to hear from ppl who have gone through the process! Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 i have gone through it, although at the time i didn't know i was even doing NC, didn;t even know of the concept, but he moved away so eventually I just sort of gave up, or forced myself to get over him, but then when I saw him all those months later and I knew I had to confront my demons for better or for worse! I'm glad the post is helping in some small way, I was a bit scared to write it all out put it out there to be honest! x Link to comment
quirky Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I don't know.. what do you guys think? In a way I think it is necessary to have the big blow outs, for your own sanity at least, as you do feel slightly better afterwards lol, at least I do! x Kitty fanta, what a great post! I realised from your first post you're british and just reading it I was going awwww..! London is my second home, I was in the UK for 9 years xx Now, about the big blow outs. This is currently concerning me as I left my boyfriend recently but the way he went about it was real trickery and manipulative making me feel and look stupid. Breaks NC, calls me up crying asking for another chance (given him too many already), asking him to call him when I have an answer only to text me after 2 days that he's done with it. Taking all the glory, like HE made the decision! I know, it's petty really but I'm telling you I was livid!! It's my ego that got hurt. So I somehow wanted to make sure he knew that I ended this. I wrote these "below the belt" emails venting my anger, showing disdain towards him. I WANTED SO MUCH TO SEND IT! But I didn't. And I'm happy for that. It did concern me that this might lead to built up resentment LIVING for that day when he contacts me and I rub it in his face. But now I know that any resentment I may have, I'll just work on it and get rid of it. I think it's pointless explaining to someone something that is so obvious to you. Link to comment
agtc Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I like this post. Thank You. Lots of great points and advice! Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 don't do it Jonas! all it will do is make you cringe!!! if you think about doing something, think how you would look back on it in the future. would it be embarrassing? don't do it! lol i'm sure you won't, I really feel what your going through. I have to literally sit on my hands to stop myself texting my ex stupid things that will get me nowhere! x lol Well I try, but I just made the giant mistake of pouring my heart out in an email, then calling. I thought I could be cool and friendly but ended up emotional and needy. It was truly sad. Though I felt better for a time since she treated me so poorly on the phone. It didn't last. That night I dreamed of us together having fun on the town. Then woke up thinking of her calling and 'saying I'm sorry, let's try again!' lol That was like 2 seconds after I woke up, it was strange and a little disturbing to say the least. /hanginginthere,hopefully Link to comment
JonasWaingaro Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 i have gone through it, although at the time i didn't know i was even doing NC, didn;t even know of the concept, but he moved away so eventually I just sort of gave up, or forced myself to get over him, but then when I saw him all those months later and I knew I had to confront my demons for better or for worse! I'm glad the post is helping in some small way, I was a bit scared to write it all out put it out there to be honest! x omg I'm sooo glad you started this one. I'm a might older and a lot less wise. This is a great thread! Thank ya! Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 hi kitty, great advice. i am definilty just doing my own thing but i am never letting the hope fade away. i agree with you, its going to take her more time if anything to miss me and feel what it is like without me in her life. these things take time and she just has to miss me. in the meantime i will just keep doing things that make me happy and not feel the pressure to go out there looking for someone else. i used to think i had too, if she was out doing her thing, maybe i needed to find somebody new. but thats not me, i mean if it happens, it happens, but i am not actively pursueing it. i'm not ready for that. i'm just ready to get to know myself again and realize that i am not that bad of a person and she is really missing out on a great person. Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I once read somewhere that it takes on average 6 weeks to truly miss someone. It was a study or something. If you bother them every 3, they arent ever gonna miss you and will start to resent you bothering them. So instead of remembering the good and starting to miss you, they remember the resentment and say good riddence. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 thanks puckdog. i think you are right. reaching out to contact them every so often i think is probably the worst thing a dumpee can do. we need to do complete nc so we give them enough time to actually miss us and not resent us. otherwise if they resent us it just closes the door that much harder Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 thanks puckdog. i think you are right. reaching out to contact them every so often i think is probably the worst thing a dumpee can do. we need to do complete nc so we give them enough time to actually miss us and not resent us. otherwise if they resent us it just closes the door that much harder I have some friends that broke up a week and a half ago. 3 month relationship and he has been a total mess. texts her all the time saying how she has no soul and has destroyed him. I have the insight of getting to see both sides of this story. She is utterly disgusted by him. Utterly disgusted. Its hard to be attracted to someone who seems needy and sick. The heart usually wants what it cant have, not what it can take at anytime. Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 thanks for the insite puckdog. what advice are you giving your friend? nc?? acting needy is not an attractive thing at all Link to comment
sunnyv Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 oh yes, i miss the friends that got lost along the way. it is by having this time of self reflection that we miss these friends. the same applies to our exs, let them have their meaningless fun right now, as time goes by they will miss us and our friendship and our love. we just have to let time go by. think about it, how long did it take for you to feel that you missed your lost friends? days? months? years? probably years huh? it takes time for one to realize what they miss truly in life and what is truly important to them. Link to comment
kitty_fanta Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Hey saffron and everyone Saffron did this 'friend' come along before the relationship ended? Often when people want to distance themselves, for whatever reason, usually after a long relationship it is a case of the dumper getting freaked and thinking they can find better, the best way to do it is to establish the classic 'friendship', this in turn can turn into a rebound relationship. This is what happened to me twice so far when I was in a LTR. Ofcourse I do not know if this will happen/ has happened in your case, no one does unfortunately! But it is a possibility. Rebound relationships can be formed weeks before the actual break up, then the dumper feels 'free' to pursue this person as soon as the relationship is over, be it a day or a few weeks after! What I can say with most certainty is that the foundation for their strong friendship probably had a lot to do with you! Ironic I know, maybe he started to confide in her the problems you guys were having. By breaking up and going NC you are taking away one of the foundations of this friendship. People bond in adversity, as long as he knows you are there and contacting him, he will talk about this to his new friend, they will grow closer. At least that is what I think. You disappear and so does a large part of what they talk about! lol I would not be surprised if there was more than your ex is letting on, I only found out as I could sense he was lying (my current ex, not the ex in the original post) and I got into his email, something that is really really a terrible idea, I will never do it again! Seeing the evidence in black and white, the words he told her that once he only had for me, now that will haunt me for a while!! No matter how much it kills you inside, you have to let this friendship run its course, in fact you need to show you are not bitter, not while they are friends at least. x Link to comment
Puckdog27 Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 thanks for the insite puckdog. what advice are you giving your friend? nc?? acting needy is not an attractive thing at all I told him he's acting ridiculous, and this is more to do with not getting his way then heartache, and he knows that. She made it clear from the get go that she wanted nothing serious. He got to needy and she ended it. I told him to no contact and he says he isnt, but she tells me what goes on. I say no more because if he tells me he isnt, there isnt anything else I can say. Whats ironic is his last girlfriend has been doing what he is doing, to him for a year now. Irony is something else. Karma. Link to comment
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